Fitness Clubs (19 & 24)

I called Fitness 19 and 24 Hour Fitness and neither of them have a walking track. Hmm. That's interesting. I guess if you want to want you have to do it on a treadmill. Fitness 19 doesn't have a pool either. So, looks like that's out. I really should just get out there at Palmer Park and walk. I could go there after I drop Bayou off at daycare on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Even if I can only walk 5 minutes I'd be walking where I want to be. Walking around the neighborhood is boring to me. I'd rather be at Palmer Park. It's just the driving that bothers me. I'll already be out though and down that way if I'm dropping off Bayou though. If I bring water I can start and stop as often as I need to. I just need to get going. If it wasn't so windy out today I might have gone but we're having high wind warnings and I'm sure it's windy up on the Mesa.
I'm kind of surprised that the clubs don't have walking tracks when that's the best thing for you. 24 Hour Fitness does have a basketball court but they didn't say it could be used for walking so I guess not. There's another fitness club down on Powers but I don't know the name of it. I could try to check that out and see what they have. We often get ads in the mail for them. There really aren't that many days thought that I can't walk at Palmer Park. And there is the exercise room over at the clubhouse. I shouldn't forget about that. I should check that out tomorrow too. I could go there on days that driving doesn't work for me. The road up to Palmer Park is windy and hilly and snow would make it pretty treacherous for me.
At least I called the clubs. I don't know that I'd get my moneys worth out of a club anyway at my current weight. Maybe once I drop the weight I want to lose a club might be an option. In the mean time, I can try the Palmer Park thing on M, W & F after dropping off Bayou. I think it's supposed to be nice tomorrow so I can start then. If it's not nice, I can see if they have equipment in the clubhouse exercise room that I could use instead. There are options out there and I need to take advantage of them. The only thing I would really like is a pack that holds 2 water bottles that would fit me. I'll check online for that because I have some swagbucks to use on Amazon.
Okay off to look for a pack. More later.

Very strange night and morning

For some reason I got up last night and ate chips and a WW lemon bar. In the middle of the night! Then this morning I stopped at the 7-Eleven and got 2 raised glazed donuts for breakfast and 2 Hawaiian Punch juice drinks. I still have 16 points remaining for the day so I'm not too upset about it. I'm just not sure why I went cookoo over night. I need to have more 0-3 value snacks for when those times hit me.

It's now hours later than when I first started this post. I got so sleepy that I had to lay down. I feel much better now, still a little sleepy but better. I just had one of the WW lemon bars. They are not as good in the light of day as they are when I'm half asleep at night. I don't really need any special foods since no food is off limits with the WW program. I just have to plan ahead and have better snacks available. Today for lunch I'll have a nacho plate. It's easy and just the right number of points.

I was thinking about the lady I spoke to after WW last night and remembered that she gave me some tips that her doctor gave her for losing weight. She said that I shouldn't swap my activity points for food points, that I should try not to use the 49 allowance points as a matter of course and that I should take two points off my daily target points. They all seem to make sense to me. The less I eat and the more I can move, the more weight I will lose. The last bit of advice she had for me was to drink water! Ugh! I'm still having a hard time with getting that accomplished. The fatigue I'm feeling is so great that I just don't want to do anything. I joined WW one week ago. Today is my one week anniversary and I feel like things are going better than I ever thought they would. I'm still not making the healthiest choices but I'm traking it all anyway. I know that as I go forward that making better selections will come.

There are lots of things that I could be doing to feel fuller and maybe even feel less tired but I'm grateful for the strides that I'm making this first week. I'm actually eating some fruits and vegetables and real meals instead of just candy, junk food and fast food. It's been a week since I've had fast food. That's quite an accomplishment. I know that as I lose weight I'll get more motivated and will do things that are healthier so I can keep losing weight. I'm hoping for an overall weight loss of 5 pounds tomorrow when I weigh in. I really want to go hiking but I know I wouldn't make it far before I got totally out of breath. Oh yeah, that reminds me that I was going to check on gyms today. I'll go do that and post again later.

Losing Weight Motivates

In addition to joining Weight Watchers I've also joined Dr. Oz's challenge. I went to the WW meeting tonight and my weight went from 298.4 to 291.8!! Progress in the right direction. That's what I want to see. That's with the dietary changes only. I can't imagine what it will be like when I can start walking and hiking again. The WW meeting was packed tonight. It's for folks who want/need to lose 50 or more pounds and that's definitely me. I felt very comfortable there and not just because of the weight thing but because the speaker was great! She was motivating, supportive and encouraging. I think I'll try to go to that meeting whenever I can. I think I will keep going to the Friday meeting too because I like the lady that spoke at that meeting too.
I'm really excited to really be doing something about my weight loss and health. I know that my lab values aren't where they need to be and I'm hoping that in just 3 months time I can not only lose weight but get some of those numbers in the normal area. My ultimates goals are to lose weight and to get off some of the meds and supplements I have to take just by eating better and exercising more.
I can't wait for my first hike at Palmer Park. When I get hike again for 45 minutes I'll know that I'm doing a whole lot better. Right now just walking from the car to the start of the trail would tire me out. And I don't think that's exaggeration at all at this point. I want to walk on a flat surface to start so I'm not exhausted and hurting and end up quitting before I even begin. I may join a health club if they have a track and a pool. I'll check into that tomorrow. I have no appointments or meetings so I have time to do that. I want it to be close by so I don't feel like I'm spending more time driving than I am walking. I'm motivated to do it though so I want to strike while the iron is hot.
I think having WW and the Dr. Oz challenge is really going to help me. The accountability is what I need. Just having a place to check into each day is a great help. The WW meetings make that accountability very real and rewarding. I've already met my target for point values today and even though I want some ice cream I'm not going to have any because stepping on that scale and seeing a lower number was far more satisfiying than eating ice cream would be and that's saying a lot!

Tougher Day Today

I went to another meeting today. The lady who was speaking yesterday was speaking again today. She remembered me and invited me into the meeting. I could see making friends there if I could loosen up some. I'm not used to being around other people so it's hard to get into the groove of socializing. I know it will come though.


One of the issues I'm having, that I've always had, is that when I'm out I want to stop on the way home and get a snack. Yesterday and today I stopped and got a donut and a soda. I really don't need either but I was able to fit it into the plan but suffered by not eating healthier things today. So, I bought a box of treats from WW that I can have instead but didn't eat one but got the donut (2 in fact!) instead. I know there are going to be harder days and that's okay. I didn't go off the deep end and that's a good thing. And I did stop in to the meeting. I'm going to the 5:30pm meeting tomorrow because it's specifically for people who want to lose 50+ pounds. There should be a different speaker than the 2 I've already heard. If I like that meeting I may go to that one and the Friday one and let the Friday one be the one where I weigh in.


I did eat a big salad for dinner tonight along with a baked potato. I splurged again and had ice cream for a snack. I did limit how much I had. I don't feel like I need to eat the whole pint at one sitting. So, I'm out of points for the day (unless I use some of my 49) but not feeling hungry so I should be okay. I'm going to try to make better choices tomorrow though. If I make healthier choices I get more food which helps me to feel full and to not feel guilty for eating junk. I didn't even drink the whole soda today so I actually can subtract that from my day.


I am tracking everything I eat. I like the tracking part of this program. I'm having difficulty drinking water so I'm not getting my smiley faces on etools there. I have to come up with a game plan for getting myself to drink more water. I keep forgetting to ask for help with that at the meetings. I'll try to do that tomorrow night.


I'm going to head to bed by 9pm tonight because I'm so tired. Shellie (my physician's assistant) called today and said that my triglycerides are not where they need to be so I have to increase my Lipitor by 10mg (30mg total) and my B12 is about 400 and should be between 600-800 so I have to take a Vitamin B12 supplement too. I'm hoping that if eat healthier and can soon start walking again, that my lab values will naturally adjust to normal values. I've gained so much weight that my knees are killing me. Getting up and down is so painful. Thankfully they don't hurt when I'm sitting or walking, though walking is harder with all of this weight. I do want to get back to hiking. I miss doing that. I'd like to be able to take Bayou with me up to Palmer Park to hike with me. I'll have to see about that because she's still a crazy dog around other people and dogs.


Can't stop yawning. Maybe I'll go to bed earlier. I have to wear the O2 sensor on my finger all night tonight to see if my CPAP is set correctly. It will be interesting to see what my O2 is like for the whole night. Another thing I hope that will go away once I lose weight (the CPAP). I've really messed up my health being this heavy. I'm glad I've found the WW program. Better late than never!

The Beginning of the Weight Watchers program

I've researched WW before and it never clicked with me. I've probably signed up 2 or 3 times and just never could get into the plan. I must not have been ready back then. This time it clicked immediately. I felt like I understood the plan and liked the online tools so much that not only did I sign up but I actually started following the plan right away. I have been to 2 meetings in the last 4 days. I'm checking out different meetings to see which one fits for me. So far the 2 I've gone to have been fun, entertaining and informative. I'm learning more and more every day. I bought the monthly pass so I can go to as many meetings as I want to go to each month. Typically people go to 1 meeting a week. I may go to more than that for a couple of reasons. First, if I go more I get more for my money and second, I can use the support and encouragement. It's also nice to get out and see other people who are doing the same thing that I'm doing - losing weight!


My starting weight was 298.4. I'm grateful that I hadn't broken 300 pounds when I started. There are all kinds of little rewards for losing 5 pounds, 5% of your weight, etc. I like that they focus on the now and reward what you are doing. I don't even feel like I have to think about the total weight I want to lose. It really is a day by day, week by week, program. That is great for me physically and mentally.


Here's what I like about the plan the most - you can eat or drink anything you want. There are no off limit foods. The less healthy foods use up your points faster but if that's what I want to do then I can do it. Like today, I really wanted an Orange Crush soda and an apple fritter. I decided that an apple fritter would put me way over for the day so I got a donut because I knew how many points it was and that it would fit in my daily point values better. I didn't have to do without out. Mentally that is a great thing for me. Denying myself only leads to me eating more. I didn't make the best choice today but I made a choice that worked with my plan. The plan is very flexible and I really like that.


Here's how it works. I am allowed 44 points per day. Fruits and most vegatables are 0 points. All other foods and drinks have point values. I have to eat within that 44 point limit. I also have 49 points extra for the week that I can use as I want. I can use them all at one time (oy!) or so many points a day. That allows for eating my meals and snacks every day and being able to splurge a bit too. Very practical plan! Friday I was over on points, Saturday I was right on, Sunday I was under and today I'm right on again. I can't carry any points over (day to day or week to week) and I'm supposed to use my 44 points every day. Yesterday I just couldn't eat any more. I feel like I'm getting to eat so much food, healthy food, that it's hard to fit it all in but that's good because I don't feel denied.


WW's week goes from Sunday to Saturday. So the meeting topic will be the same from Sunday until Saturday. Each time I go to a meeting this week the topic will be the e-tools that WW has available. What will be different will be the speaker and some of the side topics. Meetings are quick (30 to 60 minutes) but packed with information. The 2 speakers I've seen so far have been great. They are lifetime members how have lost a lot of weight and know their stuff. They have been great speakers too. Very funny. That's probably why the meetings seem to go by so fast. I weighed in on Friday. I'm not sure if I'll keep that as my weigh in day or change it to Sunday. I'd like to do the weeks the same as WW does. I don't think that really matters though. Mostly it's just weighing in the same day and time every week. Since I'm just starting and still checking out meetings I'm not locked in to a day. Actually, your never locked in. You can change your weigh in day whenever you want but it's best to keep it consistent.


So, 5 days in and all is well! I've already used my points for today but might use some of my 49 to have a scoop of vanilla ice cream and jimmies. I have salad ready for David. He had to work 2:30am until 2:30pm today and wasn't feeling well earlier and had to go lay down but ti's ready when he is. I'm surprised that I feel full and I'm not craving tons of junk. That's probably because I can have a little mini candy and count it toward my points without feeling like I'm cheating. With this WW plan I don't think you have to "cheat" because they make it so flexible. There are WW's foods, and I might try some of them, but for the most part, I'll just get regular foods at the grocery store. I may get some of their bars to have when I want or need something quick to calm an urge to eat when I don't really need to eat. I've heard some people talk about them and they say they are good. I don't know if they  are available at the store or if I'll have to get them at a meeting. I'll check online and see where I can get them.


So, I'm feeling pretty good about this which is nice for a change. My last entry wasn't very positive so I'm glad that I am beginning this WW program on an up note.

Things have changed, they've gotten worse

I've gained even more weight and must be near or over 300 pounds now. Just seeing that makes me sad. I can't believe I've let myself get to this point. All I eat is junk food and fast food. All I drink is Coke or OJ. I rarely have water anymore. I'm hurting physically from carrying around all this weight. My right leg especially is hurting. My knee feels like it has a meniscus problem. It's sore all the time now. What am I going to do about this? I keep telling myself that I'll get back on track but obviously I never do. I've made this a much bigger battle than it needed to be. I can't remember how long it takes me to walk the neighborhood loop but I can do that and leave Bayou home right now since she's so little. I don't want to push her and end up hurting her. I will start taking her on short walks soon though. I want to be able to take her to Petsmart so she can walk around and socialize. She needs to see different places, people and dogs. I'm not sure I want to wait until puppy class in March to get that going. Bringing her out would get me out. Getting her on a schedule (food and exercise) will hopefully get me on a schedule too. Something had got to change. I'm eating myself to death. David even commented on how "big" I am now. It hurt to hear that but I know it's the truth. I hate looking like this and feeling like this too. Am I going to do anything about it or just let it get worse? I hope I have the intestinal fortitude to change things. I'm definitely shaving years off my life at this point. I know I can turn that around by being healthy but will I really make the necessary changes?

I'm always waiting for better weather, the perfect time or the perfect mood to get started and that is just not gonna happen. I can't wait until the stars all align. I need to just get out there and do this. Why am I gaining so much weight? There must be some kind of psychological reason for this. But even that doesn't matter. If I wait until I figure it out to get started, again, I'll never get started. I have to lose weight. I need to lose half of myself. I named this blog "Slowly Losing Myself" but I didn't know that not only would it be slow but it would be going in reverse. Time for things to change.

Eight months later...

I now weigh about 290 lbs. I feel terrible and have all kinds of pain and discomfort from gaining so much weight. Marianne moved out of town last August and since I haven't had her to talk to I've been eating to deal with things. It has to stop though. Lisa took pictures on Christmas Eve and I was shocked at how big I am. I don't know why I can't see it in myself every day but I can see it in a picture. I have an appointment with Dr. Fouss on Thursday and I'm embarrassed about him seeing me looking like this. I'm embarrassed for anyone to see me. I'm supposed to go out to lunch Tuesday with Lisa but I feel like I need to get together with her without eating. I've been telling myself that one meal won't make a big difference but that's how I got to this point to begin with. All I eat is junk food and fast food. I hardly ever eat real food. I drink a lot of Cherry Coke and very little water. Why am I doing this to myself?

I have to make changes now. I have a Cherry Coke sitting next to me. I should dump it out but I keep thinking that it will be the last one so I should enjoy it. I just don't get it. I should be dumping it out but instead I'm letting it sit there. I'll have to talk to Dr. Fouss about what's going on. There is no way to hide this problem. I carry it around with me every second of every day. I know what I need to do but I just don't do it.

I'm just going to go to bed. It's after 1am and I need to stop thinking right now. There's nothing I can do this second so I'm going to bed.