It's 3:30 in the morning and I'm feeling sick from all the crap I ate all weekend. It was a festival of junk food and fast food and I don't mean that in a good way. I'm really frustrated with the situation with Harley and I'm anxious so I'm eating a lot to calm myself. Not a good plan. I need to be out there walking to calm my nerves, not eating junk food. I haven't been walking yet. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. There have been some beautiful days, weather wise, but I haven't taken advantage of them at all. I need to get out and start walking in the morning again, not every day, but a few times a week to start. I wish I could get Harley out there with me but I'm not sure he's ready for all that excitement yet. I don't like leaving him home in his kennel knowing that he has separation anxiety so I just don't go walking. Maybe that's what is contributing to the problem getting worse with Harley. I need to just do my thing. I can take him into account but not let what he does rule my day.
So, in my frustration this weekend I turned to junk food and fast food. I can't even tell you how many times we've been to McDonald's this past week. It's ridiculous. I'm at a saturation point where fast food and junk food make me ill just thinking about it. I don't want anymore junk food or fast food. I'm going to go to the store later today and pick up just a few things to help me eat better (fruit, bagels, and cereal). I'm going to start off slow and easy. I'm not going to change everything overnight. If I can get myself to have a bowl of cereal with skim milk and a banana in the morning, that would be progress. Then for lunch I can have another piece of fruit (probably an apple) and a bagel with cream cheese. Where I really get stuck is on dinner.
Nothing appeals to me for dinner. I don't like meat very much and I don't want to prepare a lot of food. I have some bagged salad in the fridge alone with a cucumber but haven't even touched it. I'd like to eat a salad every night for dinner adding a sandwich or soup to it. I no longer want heavy, filling meals at night. David always wants to eat around 4pm and I'm never quite ready to eat then. I just don't want to be cooking. I'm going to have to figure something out for dinner though. It has to be simple and nutritious yet not totally boring.
So, I'm eating more junk food than my body can tolerate and not exercising at all. What a horrible combination. Nothing good will come of that. All I can do is take baby steps and go slow. There's no point in me making myself do things or eat things that are going to make things more difficult than they already are. I have to do something that will make me feel good and show me that I can be successful at this. This easiest thing I can do is to add fruit and veggies to my diet. I haven't been eating any at all of either. In the last month I've had one salad and 2 pieces of fruit. I don't even know how I'm surviving on the crap diet that I'm on.
There really has to be some payoff for treating myself like this. I know some of it is that I don't have to worry about anyone expecting great things from me. Some of it is the fear of losing weight. And some of it is a huge fear of committing to being healthy and then giving up. I don't require any discipline of myself. I do whatever I want to do (or mostly, don't do). Why does feeding my face feel like a reward to me? Why don't I respect myself enough to take care of me? Seeing pictures of me lately have me feeling distressed. I can do something about this but instead I fall deeper into it. Why do I want to be fat? Really. I must want to be fat because I don't do anything that would help me to not be fat. Being fat is a protective wall around me. Nobody will want me and nobody will expect anything from me.
Why don't I expect anything of myself? What do I care what everybody else thinks? What am I getting out of this? These are questions that I have to ask myself. I need to come up with answers though. I know what I'm doing I'm just not sure why I'm doing it. Maybe I needed to get this low before I could make any changes. I don't want to weigh 300 pounds. I don't even want to weigh 200 pounds. Losing 100 pounds would be optimal and would get me back to a good BMI. All I need to concentrate on right now though is losing 1 pound. I get so overwhelmed by knowing that I have 100 pounds to lose that I just never try because I know I will not be successful. What a horrible attitude to be stuck with. I've got to do something different. I've got to do something that works and that I can stick with. I need to have small successes along the way and see my efforts paying off. I definitely need to figure out where all the fear is coming from including the fear of commitment to losing weight.
Okay, I'm really tired now. It's 4am and I need to get back to bed. I have an appointment with Marianne later today. I'm not sure what to talk about with her. There is just so much going on right now - school, weight, exercise, eating, Harley, blah, blah, blah. What do I need to spend my time on though? I need to stay focused on me and not go off on a Harley tangent. I need to stay focused on me and what's going on inside of me. It's not easy to do but I've got to commit to doing it. It's that or I'm going to die at an early age. I want to be able to enjoy my coming years and not feel like I'm stuck sitting in a chair all the time. I don't want to be in pain all the time either and right now I am. I'm too young to be in this predicament.
Okay, really going to bed now. Later.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Junk food junkie
I'm not doing very well today - maple bars for breakfast and McDonald's for lunch. Yuck! Why do I do this to myself? I know that after I eat I'll feel sick yet I can't seem to remember that when I'm ordering or buying food though. Now I'll feel sick the rest of the day.
I had some very bizarre dreams this morning that I think are related to losing weight. Basically what the dreams came down to were that I have a fear of losing weight because it will make me feel physically venerable to "look good". I've had my issues in the past that obviously still live a lot closer to me than I realized. I'm going to have to delve into these things if I'm ever going to lose any weight.
I think I'm feeling anxious today because I need to make a decision about school. It looks like I got approved for student loans so now I have to figure out if I want to go into debt to go to school. I have 3 options: 1. teach myself stuff by buying books, etc. 2. cash flow one class at a time 3. take at least 2 classes so I'd be eligible for the student loans. I asked David about it and his response really made me think. He was wondering what the loan payment would be. I know I wouldn't have to pay back until I stopped going to school but I'm not sure I want to go to school every semester. Do I really want to take on debt for school or am I just wanting money to spend? I need to be honest about this. Taking a student loan is a big deal. I have to give it a lot of thought. I guess what it comes down to is do I really want to go sit in a classroom for hours to learn. I could check out online classes but they are more expensive than on campus classes. I would need student loans to do online courses.
Anyway, I'm feeling anxious about this so I'm eating a lot to lessen the anxiety. Nothing I'm eating is good either and it really isn't taking away the anxiety but causing more because I feel bad about eating all this junk. I have a lot of work to do with Marianne.
I had some very bizarre dreams this morning that I think are related to losing weight. Basically what the dreams came down to were that I have a fear of losing weight because it will make me feel physically venerable to "look good". I've had my issues in the past that obviously still live a lot closer to me than I realized. I'm going to have to delve into these things if I'm ever going to lose any weight.
I think I'm feeling anxious today because I need to make a decision about school. It looks like I got approved for student loans so now I have to figure out if I want to go into debt to go to school. I have 3 options: 1. teach myself stuff by buying books, etc. 2. cash flow one class at a time 3. take at least 2 classes so I'd be eligible for the student loans. I asked David about it and his response really made me think. He was wondering what the loan payment would be. I know I wouldn't have to pay back until I stopped going to school but I'm not sure I want to go to school every semester. Do I really want to take on debt for school or am I just wanting money to spend? I need to be honest about this. Taking a student loan is a big deal. I have to give it a lot of thought. I guess what it comes down to is do I really want to go sit in a classroom for hours to learn. I could check out online classes but they are more expensive than on campus classes. I would need student loans to do online courses.
Anyway, I'm feeling anxious about this so I'm eating a lot to lessen the anxiety. Nothing I'm eating is good either and it really isn't taking away the anxiety but causing more because I feel bad about eating all this junk. I have a lot of work to do with Marianne.
This is how I feel about the snow...
and why it's so difficult for me to get out there in the weather. It's a poem I wrote about "Snow".
Here's the youtube link so you can see a bigger version of it.
Here's the youtube link so you can see a bigger version of it.
What I'm missing out on...
This is the trail up at Palmer Park that I'm missing out on. It's so beautiful up there but somehow I can't bring myself to go there for a walk. I really am missing out on the beauty of nature. I got Harley to be my hiking buddy but that hasn't quite panned out. I don't walk, so he doesn't walk. Am I just lazy or is there something going on in my head that I haven't figured out yet? Anyway, just looking at this picture makes me feel better, more hopeful. I need to get back up there and start walking again.
Photos from 3/17/2010
This is what I looked like on March 17, 2010. It's hard for me to look at these pictures. My hair color looks cool but my face is almost featureless. I don't like looking at myself with my clothes off anymore. I look hideous. I don't even like just looking at my face. I can see how much I've given up on myself, how much I have indulged myself too. Just wanted to post these pictures so you can see that I'm not exaggerating. I have gained a lot of weight. I don't look good these days and I don't feel good either. Somethings gotta give.
Bringing things up to speed
Has it really been almost 6 months since I've blogged in here? Yikes! First, a quick update. Everything turned out fine with my kidney issues. I stopped taking Relafen and things got back to normal with the kidney lab numbers. I have more pain than I used to since stopping the Relafen though which is kind of a bummer but at least I'm not losing kidney function. Winter wasn't a very productive time for me. I quit walking and started eating junk food again. That's where I'm at right now. I want to go walking but it seems like we get a winter storm every other day. March can be our snowiest month here in Colorado Springs. This year seems to be no exception. My excuses for not walking are pitiful. I don't want to go out in the cold and I'm afraid to drive up to the Mesa because of possibly icy roads. The road is shaded by trees and doesn't get the melt off. I could walk around the neighborhood but I dread that boring walk. I haven't been walking Harley either. I keep coming up with excuses for not walking him too. I really need to get back into the swing of things.
I weighed myself the other day and I'm at 271 pounds. Not my heaviest weight but certainly not good. In a little over 2 weeks I'll be turning 50 years old and I'm in the worst shape of my life. I know I can't change everything in 2 weeks time but maybe I can at least get back on track a little bit. It definitely would help if I stopped drinking pop and eating a diet high in candy and snacks. I rarely eat real food these days. I can tell too. I feel tired and sick most of the time. I have zero energy because I stopped eating fruits, vegetables and protein. I have a bowl of honey nut cheerios every morning with skim milk. That's the only "real" food I get each day. The rest of the day I'm eating junk food or fast food. I've been getting up in the middle of the night and eating too. Usually it's candy or other junk food. I haven't had anything this morning though because I feel so sick from all the junk I ingested last night (fast food, pop, & candy). My stomach is constantly rumbling and feels achy most of the time. I'm making myself miserable.
I talked to Marianne about my eating the other day. I told her that along with sleeping too much during the day and shopping online too much that I'm out of control with my eating. She asked me to think about my level of commitment to myself and also to think about how I'm punishing myself. I'm not sure what I'm punishing myself for though. I know that I feel like I don't deserve anything good in my life. Instead of taking care of myself, I'm constantly doing what is bad for me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Why am I afraid to make a commitment to myself? Why do I think eating, shopping and sleeping are rewards? What are some healthy rewards I could give myself instead?
I find it so easy to give in to my impulses, whether it's sleeping, eating or online shopping. I rarely do anything during the day and instead wait to begin my activities when David gets home. I either sleep or sit around doing nothing during the day. When David gets home I still don't want to do anything so it's usually fast food for dinner. That's getting really old. Real food just doesn't have any appeal to me. I can't remember the last time I made a sandwich. Not even PB&J. Everything but junk food makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it, especially meat. I'm not sure what the aversion is to meat but it's a strong aversion. I can get away with scrambled hamburger once in a while or chicken but that's not very often these days.
So unfortunately I have been slowly losing myself still but in the wrong way. I want to lose myself by being healthy (lose weight) not lose who I am in sickness and compulsion. I'm thinking about going back to school as a Freshman at PPCC this summer. I'm concerned about fitting into the chairs that will be available. I'm worried about being able to walk around campus without constantly being out of breath. It would do me some good to get out of the house away from the junk food and away from my bed and laptop. And moving around, even if it's just a little more than I'm doing now, could really help me to feel better physically and to feel better about myself.
I got my hair dyed on March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. It's a coppery color again. Lisa took some pictures of me with the new do and I was appalled at what I look like. I didn't realize just how fat and old I look now. It really got me feeling down. The hair came out great but it's on this body of mine which is out of control. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I've lost the features in my face. I have rolls of fat on my belly. I'm just in the worst shape I've ever been in. And I'm sad about that. I don't want to die because I'm not taking care of myself. I want to be able to make a commitment to myself, regardless of what David is doing, and eat healthier and get more exercise. Heck, get any exercise. I'm not getting any at this point.
One of the problems that I have is that I make everything into a big project. I do tons of research and planning to start out but I lose interest fast and food goes to waste and I don't keep up with the walking. I have a hard time just adding in a small change in my life. I feel like I have to "get with the program" though I'm not sure who's program it is. It's always an overwhelming program too. I expect myself to do a 180 with eating and exercising and I usually end up doing a 360 and wind up back where I started. It's disappointing.
I was losing a little weight but as soon as anyone made a comment noticing the weight loss I started eating poorly again. What am I so afraid of? What do I think will happen if I lose weight? I can't feel any worse than I do already. All my limbs ache from the inactivity and I'm so fatigued from not getting good nutrition. I think that one of my sub-conscious fears is that if I start losing weight that "people" will expect me to continue to lose weight. I don't like the responsibility of that. It's difficult for me to make a commitment to losing weight because I'm so afraid of failing so instead I do nothing and end up gaining weight. If I do nothing, then nothing will be expected of me. Of course, the million dollar question is "who's expecting anything from me?". No one gives me a hard time about my weight except me. I'm my harshest critic. I demand more of myself than is possible. I just can't give myself a break.
I set the bar so unrealistically high and then get bummed out that I can't reach it. It's a good excuse to throw in the towel. I don't require anything of myself. I have no concept of self-accountability. I know that the way I grew up and the people who surrounded me had a huge impact on my views of weight and health but that can't be an excuse my whole life. I'm already having trouble getting around. And I'm not even 50 yet! I'm going to be a very miserable old person if I don't make some changes in my life. Maybe this is the first step to changing things - just acknowledging that I have a problem.
I try to hide the fact that I'm eating junk and overeating which is silly because everyone can see by looking at me that I'm eating myself into an unhealthy state. What's the hiding about? Why do I think that no one will know what I've been doing and not doing? I feel like I've somehow hid it from Marianne and I know that's not the case. I know that she sees me gaining weight. I just haven't had the courage to face myself and deal with this problem and it is indeed a problem. I feel better just being honest with Marianne about my situation. It didn't keep me from eating all kinds of junk food and fast food though. It's like I keep telling myself that I'll eat junk just one more time and then I'll quit but I never do. I try to take a stand by throwing stuff away (junk food and pop) but then I just buy it again.
All of this is having a negative effect on the financial bottom line too. Our expenses for groceries (mostly junk these days), restaurants and junk food is sapping our budget. We easily spend $25 a day on crap. We've spent over $4,000 on "recreation" since the first of the year. That includes all the unhealthy eating and compulsive shopping. That could have easily gone to the emergency fund which stands at zero right now. Why is it so easy for me to give up my security like this? Is food and stuff really more important to me than feeling secure financially and mentally? Unfortunately I have to say that food and stuff is more important right now and I need to figure out why it is.
What do I get out of doing all these unhealthy things? There has to be a payoff or I wouldn't be doing them. I guess the less I expect of myself the less everyone else can expect of me. I'm just the fat, lazy friend who doesn't take care of herself. That's how I see myself. No one has ever told me that they feel that way about me. I make it all up in my head and think that because it's a thought in my head it must be reality. Why do I want attention for doing the wrong things? Wouldn't it be more fun and healthier to get attention for doing good things for myself? Why can't I see that? I guess that growing up I did get attention for doing the wrong things and was never praised for doing the good things. The good things were just expected and never rewarded. Bad behavior always got me attention even if it was negative. Maybe I'm still living that scenario out.
How do I change this though? What do I change first? How much should I take on? I don't want to take on so much that I feel overwhelmed and quit. I think I'm going to have to do a lot of observing how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking during this process. I need to question why I do and don't do things. What's my rationale? What's the payoff? I know a lot of it is that if I expect little of myself then others will expect little, if anything, from me too. But why is that important?
It's kind of like the going to school thing. I've already told everyone that I'm going to go but now I'm having second thoughts because what if I fail? What if I can't stick with it? What will people say about me? What will I say about myself? It wouldn't be easier to just not try than to try and fail. I know that doesn't make sense though. Why do I think I'm going to fail when I succeed at most things that I try to do? Why do I give up so easily?
So many questions and so few answers right now. I guess that the fact that I'm actually aware of all of this and asking questions is a good thing. I don't want it to stop there though. I want it to lead to taking care of myself, wanting to be healthier, for me. I have to do this for me, not for anyone else. Honestly, no one else is that interested in this. I am not the center of everyone's universe. It also doesn't help David that I'm constantly bringing junk food and fast food into the house. He has Type II Diabetes yet I continue to ply him with junk food. Why am I doing that? Why is it so hard for me to say no to myself? Is it because I was always told no growing up and that I rebel against telling myself no? When will this foolishness stop?
I always plan that I'll start making changes "tomorrow" or "Monday" or the "beginning of the month or week" but I never do. I'm always putting it off. I don't feel accountable for myself and I don't feel accountable to anyone else either. Maybe I can work with Marianne on this and use her as my accountability partner. That is what she's there for, right? So what can I do today to take one babystep on this journey? Blogging is definitely a step in the right direction. Facing reality is so important in this process. If I can't look at what the reality is, I'll never feel like I have to make any changes. I still see myself as looking good when I don't, not at all. I'm not being mean to myself here, I'm just stating the facts. I am about 100 pounds overweight. I am living an unhealthy lifestyle. I'm going to die sooner rather than later if I keep up this foolishness.
Do I feel like I have a reason to live a longer life? What's the point? I mean, really, what is the point of living a life like this? I'm unhappy with who I am and what I look like and how I feel. Why am I doing this to myself?
I'm starting to feel anxious so I'm going to stop blogging now. I'll let these questions rattle around inside for a while and see if I can find any direct causation between who I've become and who I was growing up. That should keep me busy for a while. ;)
I weighed myself the other day and I'm at 271 pounds. Not my heaviest weight but certainly not good. In a little over 2 weeks I'll be turning 50 years old and I'm in the worst shape of my life. I know I can't change everything in 2 weeks time but maybe I can at least get back on track a little bit. It definitely would help if I stopped drinking pop and eating a diet high in candy and snacks. I rarely eat real food these days. I can tell too. I feel tired and sick most of the time. I have zero energy because I stopped eating fruits, vegetables and protein. I have a bowl of honey nut cheerios every morning with skim milk. That's the only "real" food I get each day. The rest of the day I'm eating junk food or fast food. I've been getting up in the middle of the night and eating too. Usually it's candy or other junk food. I haven't had anything this morning though because I feel so sick from all the junk I ingested last night (fast food, pop, & candy). My stomach is constantly rumbling and feels achy most of the time. I'm making myself miserable.
I talked to Marianne about my eating the other day. I told her that along with sleeping too much during the day and shopping online too much that I'm out of control with my eating. She asked me to think about my level of commitment to myself and also to think about how I'm punishing myself. I'm not sure what I'm punishing myself for though. I know that I feel like I don't deserve anything good in my life. Instead of taking care of myself, I'm constantly doing what is bad for me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Why am I afraid to make a commitment to myself? Why do I think eating, shopping and sleeping are rewards? What are some healthy rewards I could give myself instead?
I find it so easy to give in to my impulses, whether it's sleeping, eating or online shopping. I rarely do anything during the day and instead wait to begin my activities when David gets home. I either sleep or sit around doing nothing during the day. When David gets home I still don't want to do anything so it's usually fast food for dinner. That's getting really old. Real food just doesn't have any appeal to me. I can't remember the last time I made a sandwich. Not even PB&J. Everything but junk food makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it, especially meat. I'm not sure what the aversion is to meat but it's a strong aversion. I can get away with scrambled hamburger once in a while or chicken but that's not very often these days.
So unfortunately I have been slowly losing myself still but in the wrong way. I want to lose myself by being healthy (lose weight) not lose who I am in sickness and compulsion. I'm thinking about going back to school as a Freshman at PPCC this summer. I'm concerned about fitting into the chairs that will be available. I'm worried about being able to walk around campus without constantly being out of breath. It would do me some good to get out of the house away from the junk food and away from my bed and laptop. And moving around, even if it's just a little more than I'm doing now, could really help me to feel better physically and to feel better about myself.
I got my hair dyed on March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. It's a coppery color again. Lisa took some pictures of me with the new do and I was appalled at what I look like. I didn't realize just how fat and old I look now. It really got me feeling down. The hair came out great but it's on this body of mine which is out of control. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I've lost the features in my face. I have rolls of fat on my belly. I'm just in the worst shape I've ever been in. And I'm sad about that. I don't want to die because I'm not taking care of myself. I want to be able to make a commitment to myself, regardless of what David is doing, and eat healthier and get more exercise. Heck, get any exercise. I'm not getting any at this point.
One of the problems that I have is that I make everything into a big project. I do tons of research and planning to start out but I lose interest fast and food goes to waste and I don't keep up with the walking. I have a hard time just adding in a small change in my life. I feel like I have to "get with the program" though I'm not sure who's program it is. It's always an overwhelming program too. I expect myself to do a 180 with eating and exercising and I usually end up doing a 360 and wind up back where I started. It's disappointing.
I was losing a little weight but as soon as anyone made a comment noticing the weight loss I started eating poorly again. What am I so afraid of? What do I think will happen if I lose weight? I can't feel any worse than I do already. All my limbs ache from the inactivity and I'm so fatigued from not getting good nutrition. I think that one of my sub-conscious fears is that if I start losing weight that "people" will expect me to continue to lose weight. I don't like the responsibility of that. It's difficult for me to make a commitment to losing weight because I'm so afraid of failing so instead I do nothing and end up gaining weight. If I do nothing, then nothing will be expected of me. Of course, the million dollar question is "who's expecting anything from me?". No one gives me a hard time about my weight except me. I'm my harshest critic. I demand more of myself than is possible. I just can't give myself a break.
I set the bar so unrealistically high and then get bummed out that I can't reach it. It's a good excuse to throw in the towel. I don't require anything of myself. I have no concept of self-accountability. I know that the way I grew up and the people who surrounded me had a huge impact on my views of weight and health but that can't be an excuse my whole life. I'm already having trouble getting around. And I'm not even 50 yet! I'm going to be a very miserable old person if I don't make some changes in my life. Maybe this is the first step to changing things - just acknowledging that I have a problem.
I try to hide the fact that I'm eating junk and overeating which is silly because everyone can see by looking at me that I'm eating myself into an unhealthy state. What's the hiding about? Why do I think that no one will know what I've been doing and not doing? I feel like I've somehow hid it from Marianne and I know that's not the case. I know that she sees me gaining weight. I just haven't had the courage to face myself and deal with this problem and it is indeed a problem. I feel better just being honest with Marianne about my situation. It didn't keep me from eating all kinds of junk food and fast food though. It's like I keep telling myself that I'll eat junk just one more time and then I'll quit but I never do. I try to take a stand by throwing stuff away (junk food and pop) but then I just buy it again.
All of this is having a negative effect on the financial bottom line too. Our expenses for groceries (mostly junk these days), restaurants and junk food is sapping our budget. We easily spend $25 a day on crap. We've spent over $4,000 on "recreation" since the first of the year. That includes all the unhealthy eating and compulsive shopping. That could have easily gone to the emergency fund which stands at zero right now. Why is it so easy for me to give up my security like this? Is food and stuff really more important to me than feeling secure financially and mentally? Unfortunately I have to say that food and stuff is more important right now and I need to figure out why it is.
What do I get out of doing all these unhealthy things? There has to be a payoff or I wouldn't be doing them. I guess the less I expect of myself the less everyone else can expect of me. I'm just the fat, lazy friend who doesn't take care of herself. That's how I see myself. No one has ever told me that they feel that way about me. I make it all up in my head and think that because it's a thought in my head it must be reality. Why do I want attention for doing the wrong things? Wouldn't it be more fun and healthier to get attention for doing good things for myself? Why can't I see that? I guess that growing up I did get attention for doing the wrong things and was never praised for doing the good things. The good things were just expected and never rewarded. Bad behavior always got me attention even if it was negative. Maybe I'm still living that scenario out.
How do I change this though? What do I change first? How much should I take on? I don't want to take on so much that I feel overwhelmed and quit. I think I'm going to have to do a lot of observing how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking during this process. I need to question why I do and don't do things. What's my rationale? What's the payoff? I know a lot of it is that if I expect little of myself then others will expect little, if anything, from me too. But why is that important?
It's kind of like the going to school thing. I've already told everyone that I'm going to go but now I'm having second thoughts because what if I fail? What if I can't stick with it? What will people say about me? What will I say about myself? It wouldn't be easier to just not try than to try and fail. I know that doesn't make sense though. Why do I think I'm going to fail when I succeed at most things that I try to do? Why do I give up so easily?
So many questions and so few answers right now. I guess that the fact that I'm actually aware of all of this and asking questions is a good thing. I don't want it to stop there though. I want it to lead to taking care of myself, wanting to be healthier, for me. I have to do this for me, not for anyone else. Honestly, no one else is that interested in this. I am not the center of everyone's universe. It also doesn't help David that I'm constantly bringing junk food and fast food into the house. He has Type II Diabetes yet I continue to ply him with junk food. Why am I doing that? Why is it so hard for me to say no to myself? Is it because I was always told no growing up and that I rebel against telling myself no? When will this foolishness stop?
I always plan that I'll start making changes "tomorrow" or "Monday" or the "beginning of the month or week" but I never do. I'm always putting it off. I don't feel accountable for myself and I don't feel accountable to anyone else either. Maybe I can work with Marianne on this and use her as my accountability partner. That is what she's there for, right? So what can I do today to take one babystep on this journey? Blogging is definitely a step in the right direction. Facing reality is so important in this process. If I can't look at what the reality is, I'll never feel like I have to make any changes. I still see myself as looking good when I don't, not at all. I'm not being mean to myself here, I'm just stating the facts. I am about 100 pounds overweight. I am living an unhealthy lifestyle. I'm going to die sooner rather than later if I keep up this foolishness.
Do I feel like I have a reason to live a longer life? What's the point? I mean, really, what is the point of living a life like this? I'm unhappy with who I am and what I look like and how I feel. Why am I doing this to myself?
I'm starting to feel anxious so I'm going to stop blogging now. I'll let these questions rattle around inside for a while and see if I can find any direct causation between who I've become and who I was growing up. That should keep me busy for a while. ;)
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