Has it really been almost 6 months since I've blogged in here? Yikes! First, a quick update. Everything turned out fine with my kidney issues. I stopped taking Relafen and things got back to normal with the kidney lab numbers. I have more pain than I used to since stopping the Relafen though which is kind of a bummer but at least I'm not losing kidney function. Winter wasn't a very productive time for me. I quit walking and started eating junk food again. That's where I'm at right now. I want to go walking but it seems like we get a winter storm every other day. March can be our snowiest month here in Colorado Springs. This year seems to be no exception. My excuses for not walking are pitiful. I don't want to go out in the cold and I'm afraid to drive up to the Mesa because of possibly icy roads. The road is shaded by trees and doesn't get the melt off. I could walk around the neighborhood but I dread that boring walk. I haven't been walking Harley either. I keep coming up with excuses for not walking him too. I really need to get back into the swing of things.
I weighed myself the other day and I'm at 271 pounds. Not my heaviest weight but certainly not good. In a little over 2 weeks I'll be turning 50 years old and I'm in the worst shape of my life. I know I can't change everything in 2 weeks time but maybe I can at least get back on track a little bit. It definitely would help if I stopped drinking pop and eating a diet high in candy and snacks. I rarely eat real food these days. I can tell too. I feel tired and sick most of the time. I have zero energy because I stopped eating fruits, vegetables and protein. I have a bowl of honey nut cheerios every morning with skim milk. That's the only "real" food I get each day. The rest of the day I'm eating junk food or fast food. I've been getting up in the middle of the night and eating too. Usually it's candy or other junk food. I haven't had anything this morning though because I feel so sick from all the junk I ingested last night (fast food, pop, & candy). My stomach is constantly rumbling and feels achy most of the time. I'm making myself miserable.
I talked to Marianne about my eating the other day. I told her that along with sleeping too much during the day and shopping online too much that I'm out of control with my eating. She asked me to think about my level of commitment to myself and also to think about how I'm punishing myself. I'm not sure what I'm punishing myself for though. I know that I feel like I don't deserve anything good in my life. Instead of taking care of myself, I'm constantly doing what is bad for me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Why am I afraid to make a commitment to myself? Why do I think eating, shopping and sleeping are rewards? What are some healthy rewards I could give myself instead?
I find it so easy to give in to my impulses, whether it's sleeping, eating or online shopping. I rarely do anything during the day and instead wait to begin my activities when David gets home. I either sleep or sit around doing nothing during the day. When David gets home I still don't want to do anything so it's usually fast food for dinner. That's getting really old. Real food just doesn't have any appeal to me. I can't remember the last time I made a sandwich. Not even PB&J. Everything but junk food makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it, especially meat. I'm not sure what the aversion is to meat but it's a strong aversion. I can get away with scrambled hamburger once in a while or chicken but that's not very often these days.
So unfortunately I have been slowly losing myself still but in the wrong way. I want to lose myself by being healthy (lose weight) not lose who I am in sickness and compulsion. I'm thinking about going back to school as a Freshman at PPCC this summer. I'm concerned about fitting into the chairs that will be available. I'm worried about being able to walk around campus without constantly being out of breath. It would do me some good to get out of the house away from the junk food and away from my bed and laptop. And moving around, even if it's just a little more than I'm doing now, could really help me to feel better physically and to feel better about myself.
I got my hair dyed on March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. It's a coppery color again. Lisa took some pictures of me with the new do and I was appalled at what I look like. I didn't realize just how fat and old I look now. It really got me feeling down. The hair came out great but it's on this body of mine which is out of control. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I've lost the features in my face. I have rolls of fat on my belly. I'm just in the worst shape I've ever been in. And I'm sad about that. I don't want to die because I'm not taking care of myself. I want to be able to make a commitment to myself, regardless of what David is doing, and eat healthier and get more exercise. Heck, get any exercise. I'm not getting any at this point.
One of the problems that I have is that I make everything into a big project. I do tons of research and planning to start out but I lose interest fast and food goes to waste and I don't keep up with the walking. I have a hard time just adding in a small change in my life. I feel like I have to "get with the program" though I'm not sure who's program it is. It's always an overwhelming program too. I expect myself to do a 180 with eating and exercising and I usually end up doing a 360 and wind up back where I started. It's disappointing.
I was losing a little weight but as soon as anyone made a comment noticing the weight loss I started eating poorly again. What am I so afraid of? What do I think will happen if I lose weight? I can't feel any worse than I do already. All my limbs ache from the inactivity and I'm so fatigued from not getting good nutrition. I think that one of my sub-conscious fears is that if I start losing weight that "people" will expect me to continue to lose weight. I don't like the responsibility of that. It's difficult for me to make a commitment to losing weight because I'm so afraid of failing so instead I do nothing and end up gaining weight. If I do nothing, then nothing will be expected of me. Of course, the million dollar question is "who's expecting anything from me?". No one gives me a hard time about my weight except me. I'm my harshest critic. I demand more of myself than is possible. I just can't give myself a break.
I set the bar so unrealistically high and then get bummed out that I can't reach it. It's a good excuse to throw in the towel. I don't require anything of myself. I have no concept of self-accountability. I know that the way I grew up and the people who surrounded me had a huge impact on my views of weight and health but that can't be an excuse my whole life. I'm already having trouble getting around. And I'm not even 50 yet! I'm going to be a very miserable old person if I don't make some changes in my life. Maybe this is the first step to changing things - just acknowledging that I have a problem.
I try to hide the fact that I'm eating junk and overeating which is silly because everyone can see by looking at me that I'm eating myself into an unhealthy state. What's the hiding about? Why do I think that no one will know what I've been doing and not doing? I feel like I've somehow hid it from Marianne and I know that's not the case. I know that she sees me gaining weight. I just haven't had the courage to face myself and deal with this problem and it is indeed a problem. I feel better just being honest with Marianne about my situation. It didn't keep me from eating all kinds of junk food and fast food though. It's like I keep telling myself that I'll eat junk just one more time and then I'll quit but I never do. I try to take a stand by throwing stuff away (junk food and pop) but then I just buy it again.
All of this is having a negative effect on the financial bottom line too. Our expenses for groceries (mostly junk these days), restaurants and junk food is sapping our budget. We easily spend $25 a day on crap. We've spent over $4,000 on "recreation" since the first of the year. That includes all the unhealthy eating and compulsive shopping. That could have easily gone to the emergency fund which stands at zero right now. Why is it so easy for me to give up my security like this? Is food and stuff really more important to me than feeling secure financially and mentally? Unfortunately I have to say that food and stuff is more important right now and I need to figure out why it is.
What do I get out of doing all these unhealthy things? There has to be a payoff or I wouldn't be doing them. I guess the less I expect of myself the less everyone else can expect of me. I'm just the fat, lazy friend who doesn't take care of herself. That's how I see myself. No one has ever told me that they feel that way about me. I make it all up in my head and think that because it's a thought in my head it must be reality. Why do I want attention for doing the wrong things? Wouldn't it be more fun and healthier to get attention for doing good things for myself? Why can't I see that? I guess that growing up I did get attention for doing the wrong things and was never praised for doing the good things. The good things were just expected and never rewarded. Bad behavior always got me attention even if it was negative. Maybe I'm still living that scenario out.
How do I change this though? What do I change first? How much should I take on? I don't want to take on so much that I feel overwhelmed and quit. I think I'm going to have to do a lot of observing how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking during this process. I need to question why I do and don't do things. What's my rationale? What's the payoff? I know a lot of it is that if I expect little of myself then others will expect little, if anything, from me too. But why is that important?
It's kind of like the going to school thing. I've already told everyone that I'm going to go but now I'm having second thoughts because what if I fail? What if I can't stick with it? What will people say about me? What will I say about myself? It wouldn't be easier to just not try than to try and fail. I know that doesn't make sense though. Why do I think I'm going to fail when I succeed at most things that I try to do? Why do I give up so easily?
So many questions and so few answers right now. I guess that the fact that I'm actually aware of all of this and asking questions is a good thing. I don't want it to stop there though. I want it to lead to taking care of myself, wanting to be healthier, for me. I have to do this for me, not for anyone else. Honestly, no one else is that interested in this. I am not the center of everyone's universe. It also doesn't help David that I'm constantly bringing junk food and fast food into the house. He has Type II Diabetes yet I continue to ply him with junk food. Why am I doing that? Why is it so hard for me to say no to myself? Is it because I was always told no growing up and that I rebel against telling myself no? When will this foolishness stop?
I always plan that I'll start making changes "tomorrow" or "Monday" or the "beginning of the month or week" but I never do. I'm always putting it off. I don't feel accountable for myself and I don't feel accountable to anyone else either. Maybe I can work with Marianne on this and use her as my accountability partner. That is what she's there for, right? So what can I do today to take one babystep on this journey? Blogging is definitely a step in the right direction. Facing reality is so important in this process. If I can't look at what the reality is, I'll never feel like I have to make any changes. I still see myself as looking good when I don't, not at all. I'm not being mean to myself here, I'm just stating the facts. I am about 100 pounds overweight. I am living an unhealthy lifestyle. I'm going to die sooner rather than later if I keep up this foolishness.
Do I feel like I have a reason to live a longer life? What's the point? I mean, really, what is the point of living a life like this? I'm unhappy with who I am and what I look like and how I feel. Why am I doing this to myself?
I'm starting to feel anxious so I'm going to stop blogging now. I'll let these questions rattle around inside for a while and see if I can find any direct causation between who I've become and who I was growing up. That should keep me busy for a while. ;)
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