It's 3:30 in the morning and I'm feeling sick from all the crap I ate all weekend. It was a festival of junk food and fast food and I don't mean that in a good way. I'm really frustrated with the situation with Harley and I'm anxious so I'm eating a lot to calm myself. Not a good plan. I need to be out there walking to calm my nerves, not eating junk food. I haven't been walking yet. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. There have been some beautiful days, weather wise, but I haven't taken advantage of them at all. I need to get out and start walking in the morning again, not every day, but a few times a week to start. I wish I could get Harley out there with me but I'm not sure he's ready for all that excitement yet. I don't like leaving him home in his kennel knowing that he has separation anxiety so I just don't go walking. Maybe that's what is contributing to the problem getting worse with Harley. I need to just do my thing. I can take him into account but not let what he does rule my day.
So, in my frustration this weekend I turned to junk food and fast food. I can't even tell you how many times we've been to McDonald's this past week. It's ridiculous. I'm at a saturation point where fast food and junk food make me ill just thinking about it. I don't want anymore junk food or fast food. I'm going to go to the store later today and pick up just a few things to help me eat better (fruit, bagels, and cereal). I'm going to start off slow and easy. I'm not going to change everything overnight. If I can get myself to have a bowl of cereal with skim milk and a banana in the morning, that would be progress. Then for lunch I can have another piece of fruit (probably an apple) and a bagel with cream cheese. Where I really get stuck is on dinner.
Nothing appeals to me for dinner. I don't like meat very much and I don't want to prepare a lot of food. I have some bagged salad in the fridge alone with a cucumber but haven't even touched it. I'd like to eat a salad every night for dinner adding a sandwich or soup to it. I no longer want heavy, filling meals at night. David always wants to eat around 4pm and I'm never quite ready to eat then. I just don't want to be cooking. I'm going to have to figure something out for dinner though. It has to be simple and nutritious yet not totally boring.
So, I'm eating more junk food than my body can tolerate and not exercising at all. What a horrible combination. Nothing good will come of that. All I can do is take baby steps and go slow. There's no point in me making myself do things or eat things that are going to make things more difficult than they already are. I have to do something that will make me feel good and show me that I can be successful at this. This easiest thing I can do is to add fruit and veggies to my diet. I haven't been eating any at all of either. In the last month I've had one salad and 2 pieces of fruit. I don't even know how I'm surviving on the crap diet that I'm on.
There really has to be some payoff for treating myself like this. I know some of it is that I don't have to worry about anyone expecting great things from me. Some of it is the fear of losing weight. And some of it is a huge fear of committing to being healthy and then giving up. I don't require any discipline of myself. I do whatever I want to do (or mostly, don't do). Why does feeding my face feel like a reward to me? Why don't I respect myself enough to take care of me? Seeing pictures of me lately have me feeling distressed. I can do something about this but instead I fall deeper into it. Why do I want to be fat? Really. I must want to be fat because I don't do anything that would help me to not be fat. Being fat is a protective wall around me. Nobody will want me and nobody will expect anything from me.
Why don't I expect anything of myself? What do I care what everybody else thinks? What am I getting out of this? These are questions that I have to ask myself. I need to come up with answers though. I know what I'm doing I'm just not sure why I'm doing it. Maybe I needed to get this low before I could make any changes. I don't want to weigh 300 pounds. I don't even want to weigh 200 pounds. Losing 100 pounds would be optimal and would get me back to a good BMI. All I need to concentrate on right now though is losing 1 pound. I get so overwhelmed by knowing that I have 100 pounds to lose that I just never try because I know I will not be successful. What a horrible attitude to be stuck with. I've got to do something different. I've got to do something that works and that I can stick with. I need to have small successes along the way and see my efforts paying off. I definitely need to figure out where all the fear is coming from including the fear of commitment to losing weight.
Okay, I'm really tired now. It's 4am and I need to get back to bed. I have an appointment with Marianne later today. I'm not sure what to talk about with her. There is just so much going on right now - school, weight, exercise, eating, Harley, blah, blah, blah. What do I need to spend my time on though? I need to stay focused on me and not go off on a Harley tangent. I need to stay focused on me and what's going on inside of me. It's not easy to do but I've got to commit to doing it. It's that or I'm going to die at an early age. I want to be able to enjoy my coming years and not feel like I'm stuck sitting in a chair all the time. I don't want to be in pain all the time either and right now I am. I'm too young to be in this predicament.
Okay, really going to bed now. Later.
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