Trail hunting

I got up late today (7am). That's funny that it seems like 7am is late to me now. Anyway, I drove over to the High Chaparral Open Space to check out the trail over there. First problem was that you can't turn into the open space going west on Stetson Hills so I had to go up the road and turn around to get to the entrance. There was a trail map there but I just don't know how to read those darn things. If there had been some signs I might have been okay but I didn't see anything beyond the trail map. So I went off down a gravel road first but that only led to a neighborhood street so I turned around and went back to the entrance. Then I followed the paved path. The path itself was nice but it was completely downhill on the way out and had quite a drop in elevation. All I could think of was the hike back uphill with the elevation gain. I walked for a couple of minutes, realized that the trail was all downhill and decided to turn around and go back to the car. It was a pretty good little hike but I didn't enjoy it at all. Strike one.

I left the High Chaparral area and went down to the wetlands on Stetson Hills. I drove around the neighborhood but couldn't find a path down to what appeared to be a trail. I was getting a little frustrated and decided to go home. Strike two.

On the way home I decided that I needed to get a walk in somewhere and I didn't feel like walking around the community so I headed to Palmer Park. But on my way there I realized that it was an overcast day and that would make it a perfect day to try the stairs at Waldo Canyon. So I drove up Ute Pass to the Waldo Canyon trail.


I figured out pretty quickly that I wasn't really in shape to walk the whole up and back but I wanted to go as far as I could. First I had to get past the first flight of stairs.


I made it up the first flight of stairs. Woohoo! That was a major accomplishment. I walked on the trail to the second set of stairs. I looked at them and thought that there was no way that I could make myself get up those stairs. But I did!


It was a major ordeal, but I made it up the stairs. All of them! I thought about turning back but decided to try to make it to the Highway 24 overlook. It wasn't easy. I realized after I got off the stairs that I had left my water bottle in the car so I knew I wouldn't be going too far. (By the way, I had my water pack ready to go this morning only to realize that it had a leak where the hose came out the bottom. I was disappointed that I couldn't use it. Never thought to try David's though. Duh!) So I kept going up the trail hoping to make it to the overlook. And by gosh, I did it. I got to the overlook and stopped to catch my breath and take a picture.


It was definitely worth the walk up to get to the overlook. The view was amazing. And since it was overcast I could sit there for a few minutes without burning up. I tried going further up the trail but realized it wasn't a good idea without water, so I turned around and headed down the trail. I wish I could have done more if only to see the beautiful trail up ahead. But I didn't want to push my luck so I headed back down. The hike down was a whole lot easier than going up but the stairs were still ahead of me. I got down the stairs a lot easier than I thought I would. I was expecting my knees to really bother me but that wasn't the case. Even my right knee, which is sore a lot of the time, did okay. I was so psyched.

When I got down to the parking lot I drank some water. I should have brought a snack to eat afteer the hiking but I didn't do that. I stopped at the Loaf 'n Jug and got a small bag of peanuts. I only had a couple dollars with me. If I had had a bit more I probably would have stopped to get an ice tea too. But I'm glad I didn't. Too much sugar in those things.

So I'm home resting now, with my shoes off and my feet up. I feel like it was a major accomplishment to hike up as far as I did in Waldo Canyon. I look forward to a day when I'm better prepared with water and a snack to go even further up the trail. I know I could do the up and back now with the right preparation. It would be hard and it would take me a while, but I know I could do it.

Since I didn't get a lot of walking in this morning, I'm going to walk over to the mailbox this afternoon. It's still overcast and in the high 70's so it will be an easier walk than when the sun is beating down on me. I did miss Palmer Park today and look forward to going up there tomorrow. It's 11:20am so I'm going to get myself some lunch. Not sure what I'll have yet but I am hungry. I'm still craving junk food. I'll be glad when that is over with. I keep telling myself that I can have some junk "just once" and I'm walking so I should be okay with eating it, but I know I'm just trying to convince myself that it's okay to do when it's not. I feel like it will be a struggle today to stay away from junk food but I'm up for the challenge. I'm not sure I can prevail, but I know I can try.

It's the small victories

I was really jonesing for junk food tonight but I tried to distract myself by watching the 6th game of the Stanley Cup Playoffs (way to win, Pens!) and talking to Brad and Lynn on the phone. It worked. I got through the anxious feeling without eating junk food. That's huge for me. It is a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. I'm already looking forward to going for my walk in the morning. Both Kitty and Lisa have invited to go for walks and I think I will take them up on that. It will make walking more fun being with clever, witty friends. And if I stumble and fall, there will be someone there to laugh at me, I mean, pick me up. ;)

I was thinking a lot today about food and my mom and how I realized that relating with food was the only positive experience I had with her. Getting together over food was comforting and positive (in a negative sort of way). I need to figure out what the feeling is that I am trying to recapture and how I can recreate it without food. There are other activities I can engage in instead of eating but I don't have an emotional attachment to those things so they don't comfort me yet. At some point I know that more positive activities will become second nature to me. I'm looking forward to that day.

I also realized that this really isn't about losing the weight. It's about changing my frame of mind. If I can change my behavior then weight loss will just be a nice side benefit. Becoming more comfortable and at ease with myself is the real goal. No matter what weight I am. I've lost about three pounds so far, which isn't very much, but it's made a major change in how I look at things now. I see myself headed in the right direction now. I feel more positive and ready for whatever life has for me.

I think that drinking lots of water tonight was an excellent way to tamp down the hunger. It's giving me hiccups though. lol I'm going to slowly increase the amount of water I'm drinking daily. That can only be a good thing. I wish these dang hiccups would stop. lol

I know that my mom used food as a comfort drug. Eating calmed her down and gave her a chance to breath in the midst of some sort of crisis. She was definitely an emotional eater and I learned very well from her to be an emotional eater too. But I want that to stop. When I'm feeling anxious, sad, happy, nervous, I don't want to head to food for the answer to all my ills. I need to find some replacement activities that can give me the same feeling that food does. I need to find things to do that bring me comfort, that sooth me. Lisa had some suggestions today that I really need to think about.

Part of my problem is that I'm home too much and I end up eating so I feel like I'm doing something. Lisa suggested taking my drawing stuff and get outside and draw. That is a splendid idea. I have it all portable so taking it with me would be easy. But that brings me to another issue. I wasn't always afraid to go out into the world and be amongst them, but in the last few years I realize that I have a very difficult time considering engaging in activities outside my comfort zone. And my comfort zone doesn't seem to extend beyond my chair in the living room these days. I need to take my drawing stuff or my laptop and get out there into the world. I need to find places to walk that are interesting and beautiful. There are lots of those here in town.

My goal is to one day be able to hike Waldo Canyon again. I miss hiking that trail. But I am no way in shape to hike Waldo. But one day soon, I'll be there again. Palmer Park seems like a realistic place to hike. I know I just need to get out there and put one foot in front of the other. I need to sweat, to know I've done something. Hiking makes me feel like I'm alive and a part of the world. I have such good memories of hiking Waldo. There is the up and back portion (about 3 1/2 miles) and the loop which adds another 4 miles to the hike. It's so beautiful up there this time of year, especially if the creek is running.

Every time I go out to walk I need to keep Waldo on my mind to motivate me. Right now I don't even think I could walk up the steps at the beginning of the trail. It's never been an easy hike, but that's what I love most about it. It is a challenge every time. I get a bit scared at times thinking that I won't ever be able to do the things that I want to do because of my weight.

I have a very restrictive lifestyle. Not that I have the money to fly anywhere but if I could fly I'd like to be able to fit comfortably in those tiny little seats. I don't want to have to check a place out and see where it's safe for me to sit down (I worry about collapsing chairs or getting stuck in a soft couch). I have to say no to things that I would like to do because I know that it will be hard on me physically. I get out of breath so easily. I don't want it to be that way. But it's kind of a catch 22. I worry about walking because I get so out of breath and so sore but if I don't walk I'll be even worse.

If I can just keep the walking added in each day, that will make a change in how I feel and maybe eventually how I look. A lot of this has to do with how I feel mentally. I'm in the house so much and by myself so much that I can easily whip myself into a frenzy over nothing. If I was out more and spent more time with other people, I think I would have a better attitude about most things. So I'm going to continue to walk and stay away from the cherry cokes and candy and donuts. Just doing that will make things happen.

In the last few weeks I've noticed that I'm not too much into eating meat anymore. It's just kind of gross to me (hamburger, steak, chicken). I need to expand my horizons and come up with meals that have protein but no or little meat. I need to do things because it's the right thing to do, not waiting on motivation to get me up and going. I want to cook some scrabled eggs in the morning for breakfast and have a protein shake for lunch. I could do that. Dinner is the more difficult meal. I need to figure out how to cut down/cut out meat for me but still have it available for David. I guess I could tell him that I'd be happy to make the side dish or salad, but the cooking of the meat would be up to him. It's a waste to cook meat for me. I can work around that though.

Feelings are not facts. I need to remember that how I feel does not need to determine what I do or don't do.

I guess I should head to bed since it's almost 11:30pm. I want to get up in the morning and go for my morning walk. And in the afternoon I'll walk to get the mail. And I'm really going to do my best to not nap. I don't burn many calories while sleeping. At least being up and awake will burn off a few more calories.

My small victory for today: getting two short walks to the mailboxes in on one day