I was really jonesing for junk food tonight but I tried to distract myself by watching the 6th game of the Stanley Cup Playoffs (way to win, Pens!) and talking to Brad and Lynn on the phone. It worked. I got through the anxious feeling without eating junk food. That's huge for me. It is a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. I'm already looking forward to going for my walk in the morning. Both Kitty and Lisa have invited to go for walks and I think I will take them up on that. It will make walking more fun being with clever, witty friends. And if I stumble and fall, there will be someone there to laugh at me, I mean, pick me up. ;)
I was thinking a lot today about food and my mom and how I realized that relating with food was the only positive experience I had with her. Getting together over food was comforting and positive (in a negative sort of way). I need to figure out what the feeling is that I am trying to recapture and how I can recreate it without food. There are other activities I can engage in instead of eating but I don't have an emotional attachment to those things so they don't comfort me yet. At some point I know that more positive activities will become second nature to me. I'm looking forward to that day.
I also realized that this really isn't about losing the weight. It's about changing my frame of mind. If I can change my behavior then weight loss will just be a nice side benefit. Becoming more comfortable and at ease with myself is the real goal. No matter what weight I am. I've lost about three pounds so far, which isn't very much, but it's made a major change in how I look at things now. I see myself headed in the right direction now. I feel more positive and ready for whatever life has for me.
I think that drinking lots of water tonight was an excellent way to tamp down the hunger. It's giving me hiccups though. lol I'm going to slowly increase the amount of water I'm drinking daily. That can only be a good thing. I wish these dang hiccups would stop. lol
I know that my mom used food as a comfort drug. Eating calmed her down and gave her a chance to breath in the midst of some sort of crisis. She was definitely an emotional eater and I learned very well from her to be an emotional eater too. But I want that to stop. When I'm feeling anxious, sad, happy, nervous, I don't want to head to food for the answer to all my ills. I need to find some replacement activities that can give me the same feeling that food does. I need to find things to do that bring me comfort, that sooth me. Lisa had some suggestions today that I really need to think about.
Part of my problem is that I'm home too much and I end up eating so I feel like I'm doing something. Lisa suggested taking my drawing stuff and get outside and draw. That is a splendid idea. I have it all portable so taking it with me would be easy. But that brings me to another issue. I wasn't always afraid to go out into the world and be amongst them, but in the last few years I realize that I have a very difficult time considering engaging in activities outside my comfort zone. And my comfort zone doesn't seem to extend beyond my chair in the living room these days. I need to take my drawing stuff or my laptop and get out there into the world. I need to find places to walk that are interesting and beautiful. There are lots of those here in town.
My goal is to one day be able to hike Waldo Canyon again. I miss hiking that trail. But I am no way in shape to hike Waldo. But one day soon, I'll be there again. Palmer Park seems like a realistic place to hike. I know I just need to get out there and put one foot in front of the other. I need to sweat, to know I've done something. Hiking makes me feel like I'm alive and a part of the world. I have such good memories of hiking Waldo. There is the up and back portion (about 3 1/2 miles) and the loop which adds another 4 miles to the hike. It's so beautiful up there this time of year, especially if the creek is running.
Every time I go out to walk I need to keep Waldo on my mind to motivate me. Right now I don't even think I could walk up the steps at the beginning of the trail. It's never been an easy hike, but that's what I love most about it. It is a challenge every time. I get a bit scared at times thinking that I won't ever be able to do the things that I want to do because of my weight.
I have a very restrictive lifestyle. Not that I have the money to fly anywhere but if I could fly I'd like to be able to fit comfortably in those tiny little seats. I don't want to have to check a place out and see where it's safe for me to sit down (I worry about collapsing chairs or getting stuck in a soft couch). I have to say no to things that I would like to do because I know that it will be hard on me physically. I get out of breath so easily. I don't want it to be that way. But it's kind of a catch 22. I worry about walking because I get so out of breath and so sore but if I don't walk I'll be even worse.
If I can just keep the walking added in each day, that will make a change in how I feel and maybe eventually how I look. A lot of this has to do with how I feel mentally. I'm in the house so much and by myself so much that I can easily whip myself into a frenzy over nothing. If I was out more and spent more time with other people, I think I would have a better attitude about most things. So I'm going to continue to walk and stay away from the cherry cokes and candy and donuts. Just doing that will make things happen.
In the last few weeks I've noticed that I'm not too much into eating meat anymore. It's just kind of gross to me (hamburger, steak, chicken). I need to expand my horizons and come up with meals that have protein but no or little meat. I need to do things because it's the right thing to do, not waiting on motivation to get me up and going. I want to cook some scrabled eggs in the morning for breakfast and have a protein shake for lunch. I could do that. Dinner is the more difficult meal. I need to figure out how to cut down/cut out meat for me but still have it available for David. I guess I could tell him that I'd be happy to make the side dish or salad, but the cooking of the meat would be up to him. It's a waste to cook meat for me. I can work around that though.
Feelings are not facts. I need to remember that how I feel does not need to determine what I do or don't do.
I guess I should head to bed since it's almost 11:30pm. I want to get up in the morning and go for my morning walk. And in the afternoon I'll walk to get the mail. And I'm really going to do my best to not nap. I don't burn many calories while sleeping. At least being up and awake will burn off a few more calories.
My small victory for today: getting two short walks to the mailboxes in on one day
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