Still walking!

Kitty and I did go for a walk on Sunday morning. I was sore but still was able to walk the loop without stopping. We walked again on Tuesday. I loosened up after the first half of the walk but then near the end my back cramped up a bit. It still was a pleasant walk though. I'm really enjoying going for walks 3 times a week. It's so good to get out there again. We'll be walking tomorrow and then Saturday (Kitty has something planned for Sunday). I'm glad we could switch days so we don't miss a day. The biggest struggle I have is not eating healthy. I'm so used to eating junk that the idea of eating healthy food just doesn't occur to me. I'm not sure how to change that yet. At least I'm walking though. I know that the nutritious diet will come in time. I'm not going to push it right now. One thing at a time.

Going for a walk again tomorrow

I'm going walking tomorrow morning with Kitty. I've been sore since we walked on Thursday. My feet and shins hurt the most. I think that walking tomorrow will help with the soreness. I weighed myself at the doctor's office on Friday. I weighed 271 (with clothes and shoes on). It's not as bad as I thought it would be but I've got to start moving the numbers in the opposite direction. Going for a walk a few times a week will definitely help with that. I'm looking forward to going up on the Mesa again tomorrow. It's so beautiful up there. It should be warm and sunny. Good walking weather.

I can't believe how tired I got after walking on Thursday. I really did almost fall asleep in the car in the garage. LOL If I get that tired tomorrow I can always come home and take a nap. I got my birthday cake, ice cream and flowers today. The cake is very tempting but I'm going to wait until Monday for it. It's a small one layer cake. It'll be just enough to enjoy it. I got small containers of vanilla and chocolate ice cream too. Today we went to Estela's for lunch (since they are not open on Monday). I had a few tortilla chips, one chicken enchilada and some french fries. I took more than half of my meal home for leftovers. I probably won't eat it until Tuesday though. I don't want to eat Mexican food the night before I go for a helicopter ride (if you know what I mean). I'll probably have breakfast tomorrow morning and that will be it for the day. I have a coupon for Perkins so we'll have breakfast there.

We'll go to breakfast early so I can be home by 10am so I can leave for walking. I really hope that walking helps a bit with the soreness. It always feels good to get out there and walk. I sure wish things would have worked out with Harley so he could have been my hiking buddy but it didn't so onward and upward.

Went for a walk today

This is what it looked like out on the trail today. It was a gorgeous day.

I did it. I went for a walk this morning with Kitty. We did my usual loop in about 40 minutes. I was so happy to be back up there again. I felt sad that I didn't have Harley with me but I did okay. I actually was very surprised that I could do 40 minutes of walking after not doing it for months on end. I could tell when I was finished that I was going to feel achy and I do. I was so tired when I got home after the walk that I almost fell asleep in the car. I did fall asleep in my chair though. My feet and lower legs ache the most. Thankfully my back isn't bothering me much at all. I hope that I don't feel achier tomorrow.

Kitty and I are going to walk again on Sunday morning at 10:30. I'm already looking forward to it. I thought about going again by myself tomorrow but I'm thinking that I should take it slow for the first few weeks. No need to push myself too much right now. I did eat junk food again today. I was feeling anxious and that's what I do when I feel that way. I need to come up with something else I can do that will help with the anxiety that doesn't involve junk food. I did eat a banana and some peas today. I got in one fruit and one vegetable. That's more than I've had in the last few months combined. How sad is that?

I made my reservation today for my helicopter ride. I'm taking Lisa with me. It's going to be fabulous. I just made the weight limit (280). We're going to do a sunrise flight over the Broadmoor, Garden of the Gods, Glen Eyrie and downtown. It will take about thirty minutes. I'm going to have them record the flight. If it's a VHS I'll ask Kitty to convert it to a DVD for me. They encourage you to bring a camera so I'll have mine at the ready. I'll probably send a pic to facebook while we are flying. It's going to be so cool.

In spite of the fact that I ate junk food today, I really do want to lose weight. I hate being this big. I feel so limited and restricted by my weight. The world will become a whole new place for me when I way about 160 pounds. But that means I have to lose about 100 pounds. That's a lot of weight to lose. I know it's not going to happen overnight. It will probably take the rest of this year and into 2011 to lose the whole amount but I'm willing to be patient and do what I need to do. Right now my goal is to lose 10 pounds. I'm going to break it up like that so I don't get overwhelmed by the magnitude of the weight I need to lose.

Back in January I had my yearly physical and all my lab work came back okay. It was a surprise to me that I wasn't in bad shape, lab wise. But that's no excuse to not try to lose weight. My labs might be good now but I'm sure it wouldn't take much for them to get out of the normal range if I keep up the habits I've gotten into. David has to go see Shellie tomorrow at 10:15am. I know his labs are not going to be good. I also know that he'll in some way blame that on me bringing junk into the house. I don't make him eat it though. That's his choice. Just like it's my choice and I haven't been making healthy choices lately. But that will change. I know he's afraid of what Shellie has to tell him. He also sees his heart doctor next week. The heart doctor is not going to be happy with David's weight gain. I'm not sure what will motivate him to lose weight. I'm going to motivate myself with goals I want to reach in the next 3 years. A lot of them won't be able to be met if I'm still 270 pounds. I really do want to be more fit after 50 than I was before 50.

So, I'm going to try to lay off the junk food starting now. I am going to allow myself to have cake and ice cream on my birthday though. I really want to celebrate turning 50. I'm going to get a small cake and a small container of ice cream. I don't want it to be around for days because I would just eat it all anyway. I thought about not starting to lay off the junk food until next Tuesday but there's no reason why I can't just start now. The good thing is that I really didn't enjoy eating the candy bars today. I ate them out of habit but it made me feel sick. When I go shopping this weekend I'll get healthier food than I have been getting. It will benefit David too if I don't bring junk food into the house.

The adventure continues. It's going to be a long road but as long as I stop along the way to notice all the beauty, the goal will be attainable. I'm looking forward to being a healthy weight again. It will make all the difference in the world.

First walk tomorrow

Well, it's almost 10pm and I'll be heading to bed soon. I basically spent the whole day sitting in my chair playing on the laptop. I needed a diversion from Harley being gone. It didn't really work though. Tomorrow morning I'm going to meet Kitty up at the Mesa to go for a walk. I'm not sure how much walking I will be able to do this first time out. I am soooo out of shape. I've gained at least 12 pounds (259 to 271). Ugh! I can feel all the weight too. It does not feel good. But I'll get back on the trail and start walking tomorrow. Hopefully there's not much more snow in the forecast and I'll be able to walk at least 3 times each week. I thought about going walking this morning but when I got up I saw that it had snowed last night. Yikes! It's April people!

I did eat junk food again today. I've got to knock off that bad habit. I know I can do it because I've done it before. It always feels so good to get past the intense cravings for Cherry Coke and candy. It takes a while though and it's not always easy but it is definitely worth it. There is no sense in going walking if I'm going to continue to eat junk food every day. Having something once in a while is okay but I've really overdone it these last few months. I'm paying the price now with all this weight. This first walk tomorrow is going to be painful but I've got to do it. I'll report on how the walk goes when I have time tomorrow evening.

I'm tired now and I'm going to head to bed. Goodnight all.

I miss you Harley

My walking buddy is gone

I'm re-posting this from the Dog Blog. He never really was my walking buddy but I always held out hope.

Harley is gone. I reached my breaking point on Monday and called Cindy at Sit Means Sit. She was the only one who offered to take him. I called in the afternoon on Monday and she called me back within minutes and said that I could bring him to her house out in Black Forest. It was a very sad day. I love Harley and wish that I could have kept him but the biting was just too much for me. Everything I did every day revolved around Harley. I felt like I was suffocating with him. I have tears in my eyes already just thinking about him. Cindy seemed confident that she could work with Harley and she thinks that he is a great dog. He's just not great for me. I loaded up his food, treats, bison bones, Buster Cubes and Ultra Balls to take with him. I used one of the chain leashes when I let him out of the car. He seemed fine of course. He wasn't very happy at first to see me drive away but then they walked him toward the house and he seemed fine. I cried for the rest of the day.

I wondered what his first night was like away from me. Then the next day I wondered how he was doing at his new house. Cindy lives out in Black Forest with some land. I hope Harley is able to enjoy being there. Cindy may not be the one who keeps Harley. He might go with another trainer or a client. I know that wherever he ends up he will be very happy. Cindy thinks that she can get him to start behaving in a week or so. If I could have afforded it I would have done the training with them but I'm out of money and couldn't afford to spend any more money on Harley. I feel bad that money came into play but it wasn't the main reason for giving him up. I thought that having Harley was going to be a completely different experience than it ended up being. He was never the hiking buddy that I wanted which makes me sad.

It's only been 2 days since I let him go but for some reason today was really difficult. The house seemed so empty without him. It was just so quiet today. I wasn't getting up every five minutes to let him in and out. I'm relieved at all the things that I don't have to work around anymore but that does not lessen my sadness. I feel foolish that I have given up 5 dogs in as many years. I really had good intentions with all of them but I guess I'm just meant to not have a dog. I still would love to have one but it would have to be trained before I got it for it to work out.

Oh how I miss Harley, Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz. I am not over giving up any of them. I was foolish to think that it could work out with Harley. Hopeful, but foolish. I really intended that I would never give Harley up but I never counted on him biting me all the time. I hope that it was just me he is like that with and that whoever ends up with him will find his gentle side. He does actually have one.

So, here I sit, once again, crying over giving up my dog. Cindy said I could ask about him if I wanted but I think it's best if I just let him go. I don't know how it would make me feel if I hear that he is doing well. I think I would feel like I made a mistake and that he was salvageable. I'd rather just know that I've done the right thing for me and for Harley and leave it at that. David is having a very difficult time with this and I can't blame him. He didn't get to say goodbye to Harley like I did. I told Harley that I love him and that he would be okay. David wasn't home from work when I brought Harley to Cindy. David misses Harley greeting him when he gets home from work. On the other hand, I feel relieved that he's not attacking me and my shoes when I come in the house.

Harley was spending far too much time tethered or in his kennel. He also had started to tear up the bushes in the back yard. He was already digging along the fence but when he started digging up the bushes, that was kind of the final straw. I really, really hope that Harley will do okay with someone else. My only fear was that he would behave so badly that Cindy would want me to take him back. He's not that bad though. He really is a great dog. I just don't know how to handle a dog so that he or she is at her best. Harley made Huxley and Blitz look like a walk in the park. I still had issues with them though. Blitz was always waking me up at night and they were always getting into the trash. Oh well, that situation is over too. I need to move on.

Now it's time to build my life again. I know that The Dog Blog will continue because it will take a long time, if ever, to not miss all my dogs. And as ridiculous as it sounds maybe one day, years from now, I'll be at a place in my life where a dog would actually make sense. But I'm not anywhere near that point in my life right now. Now I can think about walking again and going back to school without worrying about leaving Harley for hours on end which just made him act worse. I hope it doesn't come across as me being selfish because that's not it at all. I did have Harley's interests in mind when I made my decision. I had sat and cried in Marianne's office for one hour before making the decision at Lisa's house to call Cindy. I thought I was feeling bad about my 50th birthday coming up on Monday like if I didn't celebrate it this year I would never have a reason to celebrate. I think what I was really feeling though was that if I didn't let go of Harley right now, I never would. That thought was overwhelming.

I wish that I didn't have to post this. I'm embarrassed and feel so bad that I've given up Harley. Even though I know it was the right thing to do, I still feel bad and sad. The tears will continue to come. I'm sure of that. At some point they will stop. I'm sure of that too. But in the mean time I'll just grieve over my loss. Again.

Changes are coming

I'm still eating lots of junk food and fast food. I haven't started walking yet either. I need to sit down with David and have a talk with him about the things that we are eating and drinking. It's got to stop or at least slow way down. I checked the history on the scale and I was at 259 lbs recently and now I'm over 270 again. I know I can lose the weight by eating better and by walking more. I have a good excuse to walk because Harley needs to get out there every day for a walk. It would be good for both of us to get out and walk.

I need to take some time today to clear out the fridge. I hate when there's so much stuff in there. I need to clear out the cupboards too. I'm sure I've got a few meals already in there just with the stuff I have on hand. A few groceries added and we'll have meals for the whole week.

I realized that this past month has been terrible for me when it comes to eating, shopping and sleeping. I haven't wanted to face my life every day so I would eat, sleep or shop to distract myself. That needs to stop. I can't afford to gain any more weight, we'll drown financially if I keep spending and I'll miss out on my life if all I do is sleep. I want to take some classes this summer but I won't be able to if I can't get into a healthier, more routine schedule. I can't wait until I start school to start the routine. I've got to be in a routine before then. There are 2 months until summer classes start. That will give me plenty of time to get a schedule going.

My plan is to take 4 classes this summer - 3 online (Math, Anthropology & Music Appreciation) and 1 on campus (Computer Literacy). That will be in addition to my 2 weekly appointments with Marianne and at least 2 dog walking dates with Lisa and/or Kitty. I know it will be a lot for me coming from such a sedentary lifestyle but if I take baby steps for the next month I should be able to get myself in a good place. Then I'd have another month to live it out. Part of this too will be eating healthier. I can't survive on junk food. I feel tired all the time right now because all I eat is junk. I need to add a lot more fruits and veggies to my diet. And water! I definitely need to drink a lot more water than I am drinking. I'm sure that contributes to the fatigue as well.

So, slowly losing this old self is the plan. It will take time and effort but I'm willing to do both. I think I have hit my saturation point on junk food so I'm hoping that leaving the junk food alone won't be as hard as I'm imagining it will be. I don't like feeling so sluggish and blah. What I eat sure does contribute to how I feel mentally, emotionally and physically. I eat crappy food and I feel crappy. No big mystery there. I think one of the reasons I haven't felt good too is that I don't like my hair cut. It's too fringey for me. I like a more blunt cut. So I'm going to call Hector and see if he'll adjust the cut for me. I was supposed to go in on April 22nd but that's too far away. I hope he can get me in soon. I won't feel as sloppy with a better cut. I'm just not into this whispy stuff.

Even though I have a lot of work to do, I know that taking baby steps is the best way to approach it. Trying to do it all at once is nothing but a recipe for disaster. I need to give myself the opportunity to succeed. I don't want to set myself up for failure. It will take some time to change my eating and sleeping habits but in the long run it will be worthwhile. And the spending only adds more stress to my life. Saving makes me feel a whole lot better. I need to stop wasting money on Harley. I'm buying way too much stuff for him that won't last but a few minutes. I'm going to stick with the 2 toys he hasn't destroyed - the Buster Cube and the Ultra Balls. I have 2 Buster Cubes already and 2 Ultra Balls so I don't need to buy anything else for Harley. I should try to sell the other toys that I have that he can't use. I'd like to try to put a few things out in the back yard (the huge blue balls) for Harley to play with. He has nothing in the yard to play with right now so he is destroying the yard and bushes. That's not cool.

I need to get out into the yard with Harley and start throwing a ball for him. It would be as good for me as it would be for him. I've got to stop just sitting around the house all day or sleeping all day. I'll never be able to get through 4 classes if all I do is sleep. I have to be committed to getting the work done, especially since 3 of the classes will be online. I'm hoping that I'll have enough financial aid left over in July to get a new laptop and some new clothes for school (just a couple of pairs of jeans and some new shoes and tops). David would have the laptop I'm working on now as his laptop and hopefully I'll have a new one. Unfortunately all my financial aid won't be disbursed until July which is halfway through the summer session but I can wait to get the laptop. I will need to buy a digital voice recorder before school starts though. I'm going to get the same one that Lisa has, the Zoom H2. Recording my on campus class will be important. With the pain I have in my hands I don't think I could take notes for 2 hours. I'll have to see how things go though.

Back to the weight loss. I know if I just add in some fruits and veggies and a daily walk, I'll lose weight. The hard part is continuing to lose weight after people start noticing I'm losing weight and make comments. The comments are all positive and meant in a good spirit but I get nervous for some reason after someone notices and start eating like crazy again. I'll have to work closely with Marianne on that.

Well, it's after 3am. I should get back to bed. I'm glad I took time to blog about this stuff though. I seem to think better in the middle of the night. I guess it's because I have no distractions (no TV, no David, no Harley). I can just sit and think clearly. That's a nice place to be.