Monday, September 28, 2009
Not doing well today
I'm having a really difficult time getting going this morning. The only reason I'm dressed right now is that I have an appointment with Marianne. I should have taken Harley out for a walk this morning and I didn't. I didn't want to get dressed and I didn't want to go out. I'm worried that I'll just never feel like getting into a routine. I feel like I wasted the whole morning just sitting around thinking about the things I could have been doing. I'm overeating and overspending. My impulse control is very low. I didn't even take a shower this morning. A lot of the reason why is that I don't want to have Harley barking or whining while I'm out of the room but still within earshot. I've got to get this figured out. This time of year is so difficult for me because I worry so much about the weather and being stuck in the house. ~sigh~
Saturday, September 19, 2009
What am I doing to myself?
I'm watching The Biggest Loser. I'm as big or bigger than some of the people on the show. I think that I'm taller than they are but that doesn't really matter. I am morbidly obese. I am 5'9" and I weigh about 280 pounds. The heaviest person on season 8 weighed over 470 pounds. I don't want to get that heavy. I want to stop it now before it gets any worse. I need to commit again to staying away from the junk food whether David does or not. I need to commit to walking with Harley every day. I know I can do this. I just need to do it. I've given myself a pass for far too long. I'm putting myself in danger. Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I keep eating crap? I have fruit here and yet I ended up eating 6 VERY large cookies in the last 24 hours. What is wrong with me? What feelings am I avoiding? I'm stuffing my feelings with food. I'm watching The Biggest Loser and I just finished drinking a Hawaiian Punch. The irony of it all.
I'm not writing about this stuff to be mean to myself. I need to face the reality of my situation. David and I have really gone down hill in the last year. I'm embarrassed and ashamed but mostly, I'm disgusted.
I haven't been there for Harley the way I need to be because I haven't wanted to push myself to get out there and walk. It's not good for me and it certainly is not good for Harley. He needs to be out there walking twice a day and so do I. I'm going to end up having problems and so is Harley if we don't get out there and walk.
I wonder what it will take to get me motivated enough to get out there and walk every day.
I'm not writing about this stuff to be mean to myself. I need to face the reality of my situation. David and I have really gone down hill in the last year. I'm embarrassed and ashamed but mostly, I'm disgusted.
I haven't been there for Harley the way I need to be because I haven't wanted to push myself to get out there and walk. It's not good for me and it certainly is not good for Harley. He needs to be out there walking twice a day and so do I. I'm going to end up having problems and so is Harley if we don't get out there and walk.
I wonder what it will take to get me motivated enough to get out there and walk every day.
Bad day
It's noon time. I didn't get out of bed until 10:30am. I don't feel like doing anything today except sleeping. My allergies are really bad and I just want to sleep. That and eat. I actually ate a cookie when I got up during the night. I never do that. I'm not sure what prompted me to do it. I've been eating cookies all morning. I know I should have gone out for a walk but I just didn't want to do it. I'm starting to become afraid that I'm not going to walk anymore. I want to have some kind of routine but it's so difficult for me to get going. It's just a bad day today, that's all. I'll probably feel better later today or tomorrow. I'm not giving up but I am giving in. And that's okay for today.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Motivation and determination
I'm up again in the middle of the night. I've been taking in so much sugar lately that I'm having great difficulty sleeping. I need to get this out in the open - I haven't been walking but I have been eating lots of junk food. That is not a good combination. I've only been doing short walks with Harley and that's not every day either. Yesterday all I had to eat was junk - sugary cereal for breakfast (Honey Nut Cheerios), McDonalds for lunch, and junk food for dinner (candy bar, pastry and Hawaiian Punch). I feel like crap right now. All this junk food and lack of exercise is going to kill me, literally, if I don't stop. I haven't had a piece of fruit in days. I haven't had vegetables in I don't know how long. I'm not getting any good sources of protein (that I'm aware of anyway). I've slid completely down the slippery slope. That's the bad news.
The good news is that I can do something about it starting right now. Not drinking soda is a great thing but if I'm getting just as much sugar, or actually more sugar, by eating so much junk food I'm not doing myself any favors. I need to lay off the sugar and fats. I'm sure I've gained weight but I'm too afraid to weigh myself this week. I don't want to see the reality in the numbers on the scale but a dose of reality is just what I need at this point. I've been doing the FF class and I am becoming more aware of what I'm doing but if I don't change anything then what's the point? I think I'm rebelling right now. I'm not sure what I'm rebelling against. What I do know though is that I couldn't feel much worse than I do right now.
I have a partial bottle of Punch in the fridge. I'm going to pour it out right now. There, I just poured it out. I don't have any other junk food in the house at this point but I also don't have much in the way of healthy food either (just a few apples). I can make scrambled eggs for breakfast later this morning and have a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch. A salad for dinner would be a good idea. And water! I need to drink plenty of water and nothing else. I don't need oj or lemonade. All I need is water. Those two things are just chock full of sugar.
In FF today, the lesson is about having gratitude for food, healthy food. Food has been my enemy because I've made it that by my choices. I can make different choices though and add in lots of fruits and veggies to my diet and have food as a friend again. I need to eat and drink the right things in order to have energy to go out and walk. I want to get myself out there in the morning and walk my 40 minute loop. I can't let the weather dictate if I get out there or not. I am in desperate need of exercise. Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally I can be helped by taking time to go for a walk and by choosing healthy foods to eat.
While I'm at it I need to get something else out there - I can't remember the last day I took a shower. I know it was days ago though. And I haven't been brushing my teeth every night. So tonight when I got up I washed my hands and brushed my teeth. That made me feel a whole lot better. I'll take a shower in the morning after my morning walk up at Palmer Park (think positive!). We'll have puppy class in the afternoon so that will be an hour and a half of activity. That will help me to feel better in the long run.
I've been satisfying every desire for junk food instantly. Instant gratification is not going to be a help to me. I need to think of the short and long term consequences of eating whatever I want whenever I want. It's not doing me any good to give in to myself every time. No more 7-11 or other convenience stores. I'll bring a bottle of water when we are in the car so I don't have to go into the store just to get a bottle of water and come out with a drink loaded with sugar and with candy or some other kind of junk food. I need to plan and prepare for my day so that I know that I have healthy choices available. I can't remember the last time I actually shopped for healthy food at the store. Usually I make quick runs in to get cereal, peanut butter and some kind of junk food along with a flat of water. How ridiculous is that. The oj and lemonade isn't a healthy choice. I know that. But I've been trying to trick myself into thinking that at least it's fruit. What was I thinking.
I feel like all of a sudden my eyes are open and I can see things for what they are. It's not that I look and see all the bad things I'm doing only but I'm seeing the ways I can change things for the better. My whole life needs a makeover. I've been letting Harley become my excuse - I just don't have time to take care of myself because I have to take care of Harley. That's crap and I know it. Harley needs to be a part of my life, not me becoming a part of his. I need to do the things that are good for me regardless of Harley. I can't let him become and excuse. He does okay when I'm away so I can afford to go out for a walk each morning then walk him when I get home. That's before either of us eat breakfast. He'll get his nutritional kibble and I'll start eating real food again. Healthy food! Food that will give me energy and make me feel better than I do right now. I really can't believe that I've let things get this bad.
I have plenty of time in the day to go for a walk, take Harley for a walk, plan and prepare meals and snacks and eat healthy. I have my whole day to take care of myself. I want to look good again and feel good again. I'm afraid that if I do look and feel good that I'll change and not for the better. In the past, during times that I looked good I often got involved in things that were out of character for the real me. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not especially because I look different, better. I need to start visualizing myself being more active, eating healthier and losing weight and still being my authentic self. I don't have to pretend to be anything other than who I am anymore.
I miss my walks. They helped me not just physically but spiritually, emotionally and mentally also. I felt more confident when I was walking. I felt like I was accomplishing something every day. Now I just feel like a slug. I don't want to let Harley become an excuse for ruining my health. I need to be in shape to take care of him. Eventually he'll be walking with me up at Palmer Park so I need to be ready for that. I have to quit giving in to laziness. The "I'll do it later" thing just isn't working for me. I never do it later. I've got to live in the here and now and do things as soon as I can. There is no guarantee that I have plenty of time to get to being healthy. I need to just look at where I am right now and what I can do right now (like pouring out that Punch).
Well, it's 2:30am so I should head back to bed so I can get some sleep so that I can get up and go walking later this morning. I can drag out some of the winter attire to help combat the cold and rain, if there is any to contend with. So, I need to come up with a plan for a routine that I can begin right away. I have to keep Harley in mind and work him into my day. My world does revolve around me and I need to let it do that. There's nothing wrong with taking care of myself.
So, what could a typical day look like? Here's an idea:
* get up and let Harley out to do his business
* get dressed to go for a 40 minute walk (sans Harley)
* when I get home, take Harley for a walk
* eat breakfast and then give Harley his breakfast
That would be a good start to any day. I can work on the rest of the day later on. Right now I need to concentrate on getting going in the morning. I think that Harley will improve his behavior and temperament by being a part of this. I need to set him straight on who is in charge in this relationship. And that would of course be me!
So I have a skeleton of a plan. I can work with that until I come up with what needs to be added next. One thing that I do need to do later today is go to the store and get healthy, real food, not junk food. And I need to get a haircut. My hair looks really sloppy which makes me want to isolate myself from the real world. But I can get that taken care of in the morning at Cost Cutters. Getting a haircut will help me to feel better about myself. I want my hair out of my eyes and looking like all one length instead of what I have now.
Dang it! I've got the hiccups. Where did they come from? It's all that crap I've been ingesting lately.
So there it all is. No more secrets, no more hiding things (mostly from myself). It feels good to cleaer the air and put things into perspective. My goal, that I don't work toward, is to be in better shape at age 50 than I have been in my 30's and 40's. I still have hope that I can attain that goal. It will take focus, determination and sacrifice but I'm willing to do it to reach my goal. It all can get going in the right direction by just getting out there and taking a walk. Do I have the motivation and determination to do it? I guess we will see.
The good news is that I can do something about it starting right now. Not drinking soda is a great thing but if I'm getting just as much sugar, or actually more sugar, by eating so much junk food I'm not doing myself any favors. I need to lay off the sugar and fats. I'm sure I've gained weight but I'm too afraid to weigh myself this week. I don't want to see the reality in the numbers on the scale but a dose of reality is just what I need at this point. I've been doing the FF class and I am becoming more aware of what I'm doing but if I don't change anything then what's the point? I think I'm rebelling right now. I'm not sure what I'm rebelling against. What I do know though is that I couldn't feel much worse than I do right now.
I have a partial bottle of Punch in the fridge. I'm going to pour it out right now. There, I just poured it out. I don't have any other junk food in the house at this point but I also don't have much in the way of healthy food either (just a few apples). I can make scrambled eggs for breakfast later this morning and have a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch. A salad for dinner would be a good idea. And water! I need to drink plenty of water and nothing else. I don't need oj or lemonade. All I need is water. Those two things are just chock full of sugar.
In FF today, the lesson is about having gratitude for food, healthy food. Food has been my enemy because I've made it that by my choices. I can make different choices though and add in lots of fruits and veggies to my diet and have food as a friend again. I need to eat and drink the right things in order to have energy to go out and walk. I want to get myself out there in the morning and walk my 40 minute loop. I can't let the weather dictate if I get out there or not. I am in desperate need of exercise. Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally I can be helped by taking time to go for a walk and by choosing healthy foods to eat.
While I'm at it I need to get something else out there - I can't remember the last day I took a shower. I know it was days ago though. And I haven't been brushing my teeth every night. So tonight when I got up I washed my hands and brushed my teeth. That made me feel a whole lot better. I'll take a shower in the morning after my morning walk up at Palmer Park (think positive!). We'll have puppy class in the afternoon so that will be an hour and a half of activity. That will help me to feel better in the long run.
I've been satisfying every desire for junk food instantly. Instant gratification is not going to be a help to me. I need to think of the short and long term consequences of eating whatever I want whenever I want. It's not doing me any good to give in to myself every time. No more 7-11 or other convenience stores. I'll bring a bottle of water when we are in the car so I don't have to go into the store just to get a bottle of water and come out with a drink loaded with sugar and with candy or some other kind of junk food. I need to plan and prepare for my day so that I know that I have healthy choices available. I can't remember the last time I actually shopped for healthy food at the store. Usually I make quick runs in to get cereal, peanut butter and some kind of junk food along with a flat of water. How ridiculous is that. The oj and lemonade isn't a healthy choice. I know that. But I've been trying to trick myself into thinking that at least it's fruit. What was I thinking.
I feel like all of a sudden my eyes are open and I can see things for what they are. It's not that I look and see all the bad things I'm doing only but I'm seeing the ways I can change things for the better. My whole life needs a makeover. I've been letting Harley become my excuse - I just don't have time to take care of myself because I have to take care of Harley. That's crap and I know it. Harley needs to be a part of my life, not me becoming a part of his. I need to do the things that are good for me regardless of Harley. I can't let him become and excuse. He does okay when I'm away so I can afford to go out for a walk each morning then walk him when I get home. That's before either of us eat breakfast. He'll get his nutritional kibble and I'll start eating real food again. Healthy food! Food that will give me energy and make me feel better than I do right now. I really can't believe that I've let things get this bad.
I have plenty of time in the day to go for a walk, take Harley for a walk, plan and prepare meals and snacks and eat healthy. I have my whole day to take care of myself. I want to look good again and feel good again. I'm afraid that if I do look and feel good that I'll change and not for the better. In the past, during times that I looked good I often got involved in things that were out of character for the real me. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not especially because I look different, better. I need to start visualizing myself being more active, eating healthier and losing weight and still being my authentic self. I don't have to pretend to be anything other than who I am anymore.
I miss my walks. They helped me not just physically but spiritually, emotionally and mentally also. I felt more confident when I was walking. I felt like I was accomplishing something every day. Now I just feel like a slug. I don't want to let Harley become an excuse for ruining my health. I need to be in shape to take care of him. Eventually he'll be walking with me up at Palmer Park so I need to be ready for that. I have to quit giving in to laziness. The "I'll do it later" thing just isn't working for me. I never do it later. I've got to live in the here and now and do things as soon as I can. There is no guarantee that I have plenty of time to get to being healthy. I need to just look at where I am right now and what I can do right now (like pouring out that Punch).
Well, it's 2:30am so I should head back to bed so I can get some sleep so that I can get up and go walking later this morning. I can drag out some of the winter attire to help combat the cold and rain, if there is any to contend with. So, I need to come up with a plan for a routine that I can begin right away. I have to keep Harley in mind and work him into my day. My world does revolve around me and I need to let it do that. There's nothing wrong with taking care of myself.
So, what could a typical day look like? Here's an idea:
* get up and let Harley out to do his business
* get dressed to go for a 40 minute walk (sans Harley)
* when I get home, take Harley for a walk
* eat breakfast and then give Harley his breakfast
That would be a good start to any day. I can work on the rest of the day later on. Right now I need to concentrate on getting going in the morning. I think that Harley will improve his behavior and temperament by being a part of this. I need to set him straight on who is in charge in this relationship. And that would of course be me!
So I have a skeleton of a plan. I can work with that until I come up with what needs to be added next. One thing that I do need to do later today is go to the store and get healthy, real food, not junk food. And I need to get a haircut. My hair looks really sloppy which makes me want to isolate myself from the real world. But I can get that taken care of in the morning at Cost Cutters. Getting a haircut will help me to feel better about myself. I want my hair out of my eyes and looking like all one length instead of what I have now.
Dang it! I've got the hiccups. Where did they come from? It's all that crap I've been ingesting lately.
So there it all is. No more secrets, no more hiding things (mostly from myself). It feels good to cleaer the air and put things into perspective. My goal, that I don't work toward, is to be in better shape at age 50 than I have been in my 30's and 40's. I still have hope that I can attain that goal. It will take focus, determination and sacrifice but I'm willing to do it to reach my goal. It all can get going in the right direction by just getting out there and taking a walk. Do I have the motivation and determination to do it? I guess we will see.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Brrr. Chill. Brrr.
Somehow I made it through the night and slept a little bit too. I was having very weird dreams all night long so I don't feel rested. It's cold and wet out this morning so I'm not going walking yet. I think it's supposed to be cold and wet most of the day today. I'll have my bowl of cereal in just a few minutes. Then I'll take my meds and probably head back to bed for a little while. It'll be warmer in bed! It's only 46 degrees out right now. Brrr. Chill. Brrr. It's probably nice walking weather out there since it's so cool but I'd like it to get just a bit warmer before I walk. I think the high today is only supposed to reach 60 degrees. Off to have my bowl of cereal.
High anxiety
We're in Week 3 of FF now. I'm learning a lot about myself through this class and my awareness level has really gone up. Sometimes I don't feel as committed to this weight loss journey as I wish I was. I'm still not walking regularly and my eating is way off. I know that I'm doing better than I have in a long time but I think I'm discouraged because I haven't lost any weight in the last 3 months. Fall is here which means cooler weather and I'm not sure I'll get myself out there to walk. I'm going to have to do something for the fall and winter though. I don't want to gain anymore weight. I need to get back into a routine.
I'm up in the middle of the night because I'm having anxiety. It's so bad it woke me up. I'm not sure why I'm having anxiety though. It sure doesn't feel good. I think that seeing the reality of where I'm at in this journey may be contributing to the anxiety tonight. I haven't given up though. I'm not going to throw my hands up in the air and say 'well, that's my last chance'. As long as I'm breathing there is opportunity for change.
I know that I am afraid of losing weight. I'm afraid to look good again. I'm not sure what the fear is though. It's probably not a real fear as much as it is old stuff coming up again. I think that if I lose weight that then I'll think that things have to be perfect. I know that's not true though. I guess I should spend some time thinking about what's really going on and dealing with it. I need to talk to Marianne about it going forward. I'd like to figure out what the fear is all about. I'd like to say that I'll get up in the morning and go for a walk, but I just don't know if I will or not. Being up in the middle of the night doesn't help much. David would be home to watch Harley so I could do my 40 minute walk. It would feel good to do it again. All my walks lately have been short because I take Harley with me and he can't and shouldn't do 40 minutes yet.
This freakin' anxiety is really bugging me. I ran out of one of my medications (Abilify) and I'm not sure what part that is playing in this. The rx is $200 for three months. It's just too expensive. But I also don't want to feel like this either. I'm afraid to go back to bed because I don't want to lie in bed and feel anxious. Maybe if I take some Tylenol it will help me to get back to sleep without the anxiety. I am sore and that might be contributing to the anxiety too.
Anyway, I'd like to get back on track and be walking every day and eating better. I actually had a Cherry Coke earlier tonight. Hey, wait a minute. Maybe that's why I'm having anxiety. The caffeine in the Cherry Coke is probably getting to me. I haven't had a soda in about 3 months. It can't be a coincidence that I have a Coke and I wake up from anxiety. I won't drink one of those again. It's not worth it. And I didn't really enjoy it much anyway. It gave me the hiccups and made me burp a lot. Yuck! I bet that's it. It's the Cherry Coke haunting me like Jacob Marley.
I'm up in the middle of the night because I'm having anxiety. It's so bad it woke me up. I'm not sure why I'm having anxiety though. It sure doesn't feel good. I think that seeing the reality of where I'm at in this journey may be contributing to the anxiety tonight. I haven't given up though. I'm not going to throw my hands up in the air and say 'well, that's my last chance'. As long as I'm breathing there is opportunity for change.
I know that I am afraid of losing weight. I'm afraid to look good again. I'm not sure what the fear is though. It's probably not a real fear as much as it is old stuff coming up again. I think that if I lose weight that then I'll think that things have to be perfect. I know that's not true though. I guess I should spend some time thinking about what's really going on and dealing with it. I need to talk to Marianne about it going forward. I'd like to figure out what the fear is all about. I'd like to say that I'll get up in the morning and go for a walk, but I just don't know if I will or not. Being up in the middle of the night doesn't help much. David would be home to watch Harley so I could do my 40 minute walk. It would feel good to do it again. All my walks lately have been short because I take Harley with me and he can't and shouldn't do 40 minutes yet.
This freakin' anxiety is really bugging me. I ran out of one of my medications (Abilify) and I'm not sure what part that is playing in this. The rx is $200 for three months. It's just too expensive. But I also don't want to feel like this either. I'm afraid to go back to bed because I don't want to lie in bed and feel anxious. Maybe if I take some Tylenol it will help me to get back to sleep without the anxiety. I am sore and that might be contributing to the anxiety too.
Anyway, I'd like to get back on track and be walking every day and eating better. I actually had a Cherry Coke earlier tonight. Hey, wait a minute. Maybe that's why I'm having anxiety. The caffeine in the Cherry Coke is probably getting to me. I haven't had a soda in about 3 months. It can't be a coincidence that I have a Coke and I wake up from anxiety. I won't drink one of those again. It's not worth it. And I didn't really enjoy it much anyway. It gave me the hiccups and made me burp a lot. Yuck! I bet that's it. It's the Cherry Coke haunting me like Jacob Marley.
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