High anxiety

We're in Week 3 of FF now. I'm learning a lot about myself through this class and my awareness level has really gone up. Sometimes I don't feel as committed to this weight loss journey as I wish I was. I'm still not walking regularly and my eating is way off. I know that I'm doing better than I have in a long time but I think I'm discouraged because I haven't lost any weight in the last 3 months. Fall is here which means cooler weather and I'm not sure I'll get myself out there to walk. I'm going to have to do something for the fall and winter though. I don't want to gain anymore weight. I need to get back into a routine.

I'm up in the middle of the night because I'm having anxiety. It's so bad it woke me up. I'm not sure why I'm having anxiety though. It sure doesn't feel good. I think that seeing the reality of where I'm at in this journey may be contributing to the anxiety tonight. I haven't given up though. I'm not going to throw my hands up in the air and say 'well, that's my last chance'. As long as I'm breathing there is opportunity for change.

I know that I am afraid of losing weight. I'm afraid to look good again. I'm not sure what the fear is though. It's probably not a real fear as much as it is old stuff coming up again. I think that if I lose weight that then I'll think that things have to be perfect. I know that's not true though. I guess I should spend some time thinking about what's really going on and dealing with it. I need to talk to Marianne about it going forward. I'd like to figure out what the fear is all about. I'd like to say that I'll get up in the morning and go for a walk, but I just don't know if I will or not. Being up in the middle of the night doesn't help much. David would be home to watch Harley so I could do my 40 minute walk. It would feel good to do it again. All my walks lately have been short because I take Harley with me and he can't and shouldn't do 40 minutes yet.

This freakin' anxiety is really bugging me. I ran out of one of my medications (Abilify) and I'm not sure what part that is playing in this. The rx is $200 for three months. It's just too expensive. But I also don't want to feel like this either. I'm afraid to go back to bed because I don't want to lie in bed and feel anxious. Maybe if I take some Tylenol it will help me to get back to sleep without the anxiety. I am sore and that might be contributing to the anxiety too.

Anyway, I'd like to get back on track and be walking every day and eating better. I actually had a Cherry Coke earlier tonight. Hey, wait a minute. Maybe that's why I'm having anxiety. The caffeine in the Cherry Coke is probably getting to me. I haven't had a soda in about 3 months. It can't be a coincidence that I have a Coke and I wake up from anxiety. I won't drink one of those again. It's not worth it. And I didn't really enjoy it much anyway. It gave me the hiccups and made me burp a lot. Yuck! I bet that's it. It's the Cherry Coke haunting me like Jacob Marley.