It was drizzling, overcast and 40 degrees but we went walking anyway. It actually felt good to be out there. Because of the cold we were walking faster than usual and I could tell that I was getting winded easier. I was able to make the whole loop though. At some points I thought that I would keel over and not be able to finish but I didn't give in to those irrational thoughts.There were other people out there walking, running and biking so we weren't the only crazy ones braving the weather to get some exercise in for the day. Oh yeah, and it was foggy driving over to Palmer Park, sometimes as thick as pea soup. It was an accomplishment for me to not only get out and walk in weather but also to drive in foggy conditions. I was determined to do it though and I did.
Unfortunately I ate so much junk food yesterday that I negated the exercise that I got. I'm up in the middle of the night with extreme heartburn. I took a pill to help with that. I hope it kicks in soon. I'll be up until it does. My eating was out of control yesterday. Even though I felt full I would eat more. Maybe I needed to do this just one more time to remind myself how horrible it feels and to stop doing it. I have to lose weight. I won't be able to accomplish a lot of my goals on my 101 in 1001 list if I don't slim down. I need to be able to fit into a NASCAR racecar if I want to experience a ride along at 160mph. I need to be able to fit into airplane seats, helicopter seats and stadium seating if I want to experience all the things that I want to experience in the next 2.75 years. Traveling requires good health, stamina and a healthy physique. I won't be able to travel well if I'm this fat.
There are other reasons for losing weight. The most obvious one is health. I'll die earlier than I should if I keep up these bad habits. The life I live from now until the end would be miserable if I stay at my current weight. It's all about my eating habits and the junk food that I choose to shove down my gullet. You know you've eaten too much when you constantly feel like you need to throw up. That's where I was at yesterday and I'm still paying for it today. I already take medicine for GERD and I know better than to eat like I did yesterday but I threw all that to the side and kept eating. I guess it's back to working with Marianne on this problem. I can't drop it at all or I'll make myself sick.
I know that a part of this is about control. I "control" what food I eat and I allow myself to eat what I want to show myself that I'm in charge of me. But that's not what happens in the end. In the end the food is winning out and controlling me. "They" market the food to me and I eat it. I wish that I had a passion for salads, vegetables and fruits instead of in junk food and fast food. I think that I feel like so much of my life is doing what other people want me to do (even if I don't want to) and I can do what I want to do with food. I know it's all just mind games that have to stop. It's time to move on from being immature when it comes to taking care of myself. If I don't take care of myself then I'm just going to fall apart. There will be no one else to blame except me.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I eat more than I should? Why do I choose the worst foods to eat? What am I punishing myself for? Why can't I take care of myself and care about what I'm doing to my own body, spirit and mind? Lot's of good questions that I just don't have any answers for. Why does a reward for me mean pigging out and overeating? How is that helping me? What do I get out of stuffing myself to the gills with junk food? There are so many healthy alternatives that I just blow off. Maybe I should do one of those cleansing routines and get all the junk out of my system. Then I would feel so much better about eating well. I keep thinking that it's pointless to change my eating habits when I feel this sick. It doesn't make sense but it is the way I think about this.
Gosh, do I feel bad tonight. The heartburn is horrible. I can feel the burning all the way up my throat. Why am I so mean to myself? Why am I so thoughtless? What's the payoff for eating more than I should? I must be getting something out of it or I wouldn't do it. I think that sometimes it feels like it's the only thing I have some say in (what I eat). No ones going to tell me what I can and can't eat. Pictures of my mom popped up right away when I typed that. She wanted to control my eating and I rebelled in the only way I knew how - to eat in secret so she couldn't say anything. And I'm still doing that. It's obviously not a secret because I look like I weigh 270 pounds. It's not that I'm able to hide it all all.
Well, I'm getting tired and I need to go back to bed. It's 2:22am and I'm sure that I could benefit from some more sleep. I have 1 and half months until school starts. I need to make that time count. I need to use that time to get myself healthier so school won't be so difficult. I'm going to have a hectic schedule and I don't need to compound the stress I will feel by feeling sick all the time. I need to do what is best for me and to make what is best for me eating healthier. If nothing else I don't want to die being fat. I want to live being healthy. I know I can do it if I will just pay attention to why I'm doing what I'm doing. Nothing bad will happen to me if I refuse to eat junk food and fast food. Logically I know that but somewhere inside it makes more sense to indulge myself. Not a great plan.
Walking again with Kitty on Tuesday morning. I see Marianne on Monday. Maybe working with her will help me to understand why I do the things I do. I seem to have no self control when it comes to food. I know that's not true, but it appears to be that way. I need to start keeping a food log and looking at what I am eating every day. I think I will be shocked. Maybe just knowing that I'll have to write it down will be enough to make me stop and think about what I am eating.
There is no better time than now to start on this journey. My first goal will be to lose about 10 pounds so I'll be back down to 260. I'm not looking to make and land/speed records with this just to change bad habits to good as I go along. I have struggled with food all my life. I don't want to let it run my life anymore.
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