Anxiety

I'm having a lot of anxiety today. It sucks.

Feeling better

I took a shower this morning and went out for lunch with David and Gabe. It used up all my energy but it feels good to have gotten out. My right leg/back is still hurting and sitting at lunch aggravated it some. I'm going to call Dr. Jenks office next week and see if I can get an appointment scheduled for steroid injections in my SI joints. Getting the injections always makes me feel better overall. I think that it's because of the PMR (polymyalgia rheumatica). I can feel my shoulders getting more sore each day which is a sign that the PMR is bothering me. The injections, even though they are in my back, help my shoulders too. I'm hoping it will help with everything that is going on right now. I still feel really depleted but not near as bad as I did last week. I could barely walk around the house this past week but now it's better. I'll be following up with my PA, Shellie, next week too. I've already left her a message about CLL running in my family. I just need her to check my labs and see if the tests they ran cover checking for CLL. I don't think I have it but I want to follow up just to be sure.

I ordered an electric blanket and a space heater because I'm having such a hard time staying warm these days. Warming up the bed at night helps me to sleep better. I'll use the space heater in the living room to keep me warm. I'm not sure why I'm having such a hard time keeping warm. I guess it's either lack of movement or from having so much pain right now. Or maybe a combination of both. Either way, I've got to warm up. Shaking makes my leg/hip/back hurt more and makes it difficult to sleep through the night. I hope the electric blanket helps.

David and Gabe are out running errands for Gabe. It gets tiring being home alone so much and feeling like I'm stuck in the house. I may try to get out this coming week (maybe ask a friend to take me out for a drive or lunch). I need to drive myself more too. I just haven't felt up to driving though especially with the pain medicine I'm taking for my leg and back. Plus, I hate this time of year when there is ice/snow on the roads. The main roads are clear but the side streets are still snowy. I can't wait for spring time to get here and for it to warm up. I really think it's time for us to consider moving to a warmer climate where there is no snow. I just can't take the winters anymore.

Almost time for a nap. My meds are making me tired. More later.

Anxiety sucks

I've been dealing with anxiety for months now. It was gone for a few days and I felt better but ti's been back the last 2 days. It sucks. I don't know what to do about it. Taking meds doesn't help because it just makes the anxiety worse when the med wears off. I'm trying to deal with it and handle it the best I can each day but it's been terrible. It's cold today too which is just making it worse. I feel trapped. Feeling bad on top of this is even worse. I just want to feel better. I can't get to the doctor because I can't drive myself. I don't know what to do to make this better. There's not much the doctors can do anyway. Drugs just seem to make it worse. If I didn't have Bayou I think I would be in the hospital (the mental hospital probably) but I do have her so I need to be home. That doesn't help. David is at the end of his rope with all of this and I don't blame him. I am too. I wish he were home. I can get more done when he is home because I'm not as afraid then. I'm still anxious about things breaking down and don't want to run the dishwasher or washing machine. I hate feeling like this. I need a shower too but am afraid of taking one while I am alone. I'll try to get stuff done when David gets home this afternoon. He went into work early and I was hoping he'd get home early but I think he'll be getting home at 3pm as scheduled.

I sent David and email at work because I was feeling so bad. I needed to get some things off my mind and I hope he understands. I had to ask him to pick up my prescriptions for me today. I know he doesn't like doing that kind of stuff but I need my pain med and I just couldn't go get it myself.

The anxiety is getting worse so I'm going to quit posting for now.

I need help

David just asked me if I had a good day today. I was honest and told him it was nice to spend time with him but it has really been a crummy day for me. The pain in my right groin and hip is unending and uncomfortable. I've also been having anxiety off and on all day today. Not sure why that's happening. I can't wait to follow up with the doctor (not sure if it's this week or next week though because of the holidays). It wasn't a terrible Christmas since I got to be with David but it sure could have been a whole lot better.

Part of the problem is that I wasn't brave enough to ask people for help. With help this could have been a whole lot better. Hopefully I can ask for help going forward, even if I have to pay someone. I need help with dishes, laundry and grocery shopping and some things around the house. Until I can get to feeling better I'm going to need help to keep up with all of this stuff. David's doing all he can but working full time and taking care of me is enough for him to do. I'll find someone who can help me.

Anyway, it's almost bedtime and hopefully I'll sleep better tonight (the leg pain is waking me up). Tomorrow I'll be on the trail for help around here. I'll do what I can but I'll need some help with some of it. I'll find help one way or another.

Pain

I'm dealing with pain in my back and legs tonight. Too much sitting and not enough getting up and down is bothering my back. A lot! I took some pain meds so hopefully soon it will be okay. I realized that I forgot to take my sleep med last night so I'm sure that's partially why I had such a bad night last night. I won't forget tonight though.

Earlier today we went to the store. I was able to get what I needed and get checked out without too much difficulty. I was glad that David drove though. I did have an anxiety attack on the way to the store though. I felt claustrophobic in the car. Thankfully it didn't last long. I'm glad I could get to the store though. I was able to get stuff for a Christmas meal. I'll probably cook tomorrow though so we'll have meal and leftovers for Christmas.

It's only 8:20pm and I'm ready for bed already. I sure hope I don't have the massive leg cramps and pain tonight like I did last night. That was horrible.

I'm still touched that my nephew called me because he is worried about me. He said that it would be like losing his mom if he lost me. You can't ask for more love than that. I still didn't mean to worry him though. I guess a lot of people are worried about me right now. I'm grateful for the prayers and concern. I'm also grateful for the information that has been shared with me. There's stuff I just wouldn't have known without posting on facebook. I don't think I have CLL but I'm glad I found out that it runs in our family. It's something to follow up on for sure.

I'm going to try to stay up until this medicine kicks in and then take my sleep med and then head to bed shortly after that. There's nothing on TV tonight so I'm getting kind of bored anyway.

I did finally pick up my prescriptions. I used the inhaler earlier. It didn't seem to make much difference but who knows what it will do "long" term. I'll start the antibiotic tonight too. I really don't know if I have bronchitis but if the ER doc thought so then maybe I do. I know it has nothing to do with my back and leg pain though. I'll have to see if I can get some steroid injections scheduled to make that feel better.

Miserable, miserable, miserable. That's all I can say.

Worrying people with how sick I feel

I got a call from my nephew tonight. He was concerned that I was REALLY sick, as in might die. I told him that as far as I know this is just bronchitis and the CLL that runs in our family probably isn't an issue since my blood work has come back negative. I didn't mean to worry anyone about all this. I am feeling bad and am worried myself but didn't want to concern anyone else. Mostly I was posting on facebook to get information and prayers (which I got) and to update everyone at the same time since calling everyone would be hard right now. My heart was deeply touched that my nephew was worried about me and wanted to make sure that I was okay. I'm hoping that CLL isn't in the picture and will follow up with my doctor as soon as I can to make sure it's not. I do feel ill though and don't want to water it down because I need the prayers. I never would have found out about CLL if I hadn't posted on facebook about how I'm feeling. So, as much as I'm sorry that I worried anyone I'm glad that it allowed my nephew to call and check on me. That means the world to me.

Miserable night

I had a miserable night with leg cramps. I think it came on because of the ultrasound they did at the ER the other night. It was a very painful procedure. My breathing feels a little bit better though. I think the breathing treatment they gave me helped. I still don't think I can go to the store. What a mess I'm in. I don't know what to do. My anxiety is bad too. This is going to be a terrible Christmas with no Christmas meal. I'll have to see if someone can help me out. I just can't do this on my own this year. What am I going to do?

Sick at the holidays

I've been feeling ill for quite some time now. Tonight I am in a lot of pain and feeling physically uncomfortable. I know I could use a couple of steroid shots in my back to help with all the pain but it's the holidays and I don't know when I could get it to see Dr. Jenks. I'll have to call and see when they are back in the office. The fatigue I'm dealing with is so extreme. It's hard to do anything. I had 2 ER visits in 10 days time. I don't feel a whole lot better after the visits. I don't feel like they are treating me for what is going on really. The breathing treatment they gave me did help though. The holidays are a terrible time to be sick. And it doesn't help that David has the duty pager until after Christmas. He's done his best though to take care of me. I don't know what I would do without him. Driving has been difficult so he's been bringing me everywhere. I can't wait to get back in to see Shellie and follow up with her. I need to talk to her about a genetic cancer (CLL) that runs in my family. I'm sure I don't have it because nothing is showing up on my labs but I want to be sure that it's not what is causing the fatigue. I think I'm going to go to bed in just a little bit. I'm not comfortable laying down for long periods of time but it's better than sitter here and feeling so terrible. The pain is overwhelming. Somehow I have to get this under control. The steroid shots usually help make me feel better overall so I may go that route. I just don't want the steroids to make the breathing problem worse.

Who would have thought that my life would have turned out to be like this. This is horrible. Somehow I have to get to the store or have someone go for me. I don't know how I'm going to make a Christmas meal. I wish someone could provide one for us. I'll do what I can but I have trouble just brushing my teeth so I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish more than that right now. I'm doing all I can, which isn't much.

Anyway, I just needed somewhere to post about this and facebook didn't seem like the place tonight. People on there have been supportive but I have too much to say tonight. It will get better eventually. Following up with Shellie (my PA) will be key to feeling better. Wish me luck.