Negativity

It's interesting how easily I can get into a negative frame of mind. I can't pinpoint why I'm feeling this way. I just am. I want to eat to ease the anxiety but I'm not going to do that. I could so easily justify eating right now. I could so easily give in. So instead of eating, I am blogging. I need to discover what is at the base of these feelings. Anxiety is just covering up something else (fear?). If I sit long enough with it maybe I'll figure it out. I'll do some subconscious thinking and maybe I'll hit on it.

Marianne suggested that I ask myself how I can get the same feeling that eating gives me without food. Right now, I honestly don't know. It's so automatic for me to just eat when I feel this way. It's a lot of work to NOT eat. I have to be very intentional about not eating. I've already had dinner and desert so I don't need anything else, physically, but mentally I could use something to get rid of this feeling.

What is it that I'm feeling? Not on the surface, but deep down. I think that I am afraid of failing and afraid of succeeding. What if I've started this blog and then give in on the first day? What if I succeed and lose weight? Could I endure the attention either way? When I was talking to Marianne earlier I remembered telling her that the question I hear in my head when I tell myself it's okay to take care of myself is "who do you think you are taking care of yourself?". My mom would have said that to me. Just who do I think I am trying to be? Do I think I'm something special that I deserve to take care of myself? Argh!

Yes, I do deserve to take care of myself. I deserve that more than I deserve to stuff myself and my feelings because I don't understand them. What does taking care of myself look like? It's eating healthier foods and eating less food overall. It involves walking and exercising. It also means that I should be kind to myself and cut myself some slack. I'm not going to be perfect at this. Ever. I'll just always do the best I can each day.

There's a commercial on TV for an exercise machine (looks stupid really) and the lady in the commercial looks great. I want to look like that. I want to be able to go over to the pool without feeling ashamed of how I look. I have fat in places that I didn't even know it was possible to have fat. I'm going to have to do this slowly so that I'm not left with hanging skin all over.

Deep sigh. I know that I was sleeping a lot so I could avoid eating. Now I need to avoid eating for comfort while I'm awake. I'm going to have to use a lot of the skills I have learned in counseling to get me through these tough times. What are some of the things I can do to help myself?

> listen to soothing, calming music or sounds (like the ocean or rain)
> distract myself from the feelings by drawing
> have a cough drop or a piece of gum
> do a collage (I need to pick up some magazines at the club house)
> go out for a walk
> call a friend
> get out of the house
> no more eating in the car alone (my secret little hideaway)
> eat my meals and snacks each day
> get some Ensure or Boost
> make a protein shake
> watch TV
> read a book
> blog

There are lots of things that I can be doing for myself that don't involve eating junk food. I don't eat a lot of healthy food but I was eating a lot of junk food. A lot! Some nights I would eat a bag of licorice, a candy bar, a donut and a drink a Cherry Coke. I was making myself sick doing that yet I kept doing it. Some days I would wake up and still feel full from the day before but keep eating. Man, these must be some scary feelings I'm trying to avoid to put myself through all of that.

My pledge to myself is to walk every day even if it's just a short walk. I can walk over to the mailboxes until I'm not hurting doing that. Then I'll go a little further (or is it farther, I always get those two confused). Oh, another thing I can do is drink more water. Not only is it good for me but it will make me feel full so I won't want to eat junk.

I remember when I was at Two Rivers and I weighed about 235. That seemed so fat but now it would be a blessing to weigh that much. I'll get there again. I will. I am determined. So I've done a pretty good job of describing what I'm feeling right now and I think it has helped me to do some blogging. I'm feeling better now.

06/08/2009 morning walk

This is the view of Pikes Peak this morning.

I did it. I got dressed (which was a major production in and of itself) and I went out for a short walk. It's a beautiful day with a light, cool breeze. I feel better now that I've done the walk. My lower back started hurting just about when I was turning the corner for the house. On other walks it had started hurting long before that, so I think there is some improvement already. Now it's time for a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and a small glass of orange juice. After I eat I'll take my morning medicine and either lay down for an hour because my medicine makes me so tired or I'll jump in the shower. I'm thinking that an hour nap will win out. LOL

I can't believe how out of shape I am. I wear myself out just by getting dressed. That's ridiculous, but it's okay. I'll do what I can when I can and be grateful for being able to do it. I was able to get dressed and I was able to go for a walk. That is progress.

Stuck in the mud

I feel like I'm stuck in the mud this morning. I am feeling anxious about doing anything. I want to go out for a walk but my hair is a mess. I'm letting that keep me from exercising. That's not good. I've been having this 'stuck in the mud' problem for months now. That's why I've gained more weight. It's not easy to get back to a lifestyle of movement and activity when I'm so used to just going back to bed when I can't decide what to do. I need to be good to myself and this morning that means going for a short walk.

I'm thinking that I have to change into my walking clothes and that's got me stuck too. I don't know why I have such anxiety about going out into the world. I know that I'm afraid that 'people' are looking at me and judging me, laughing at me. Who are these people I fear and why do I think that they are judging me. I guess I feel this way because I grew up in a family full of people who did judge me and who did laugh at me. I've transferred their poor behavior onto the world at large. How do I get past that? Or do I get past it? Maybe I just need to get out there and walk regardless of how I'm feeling.

I remember being told that feelings are NOT facts. I treat my feelings like they are fact though. I need to change that behavior. I need to push through the discomfort and get out there and walk. But I'm not convinced quite yet. This is harder than you can imagine. There is a fear of failure at even starting. What if I can't lose the weight? Shouldn't I be focusing on the process, not the outcome. The process is what is important, not the outcome.

I can feel the anxiety in my chest and in my stomach. It is such an uncomfortable feeling. I hate it. I need to get myself to push through this and get out there and walk. Just doing a little bit each day will help. I want to blog about this anxiety though so I can try to understand it better. I'd like to know where these feelings are coming from and what distortion I am operating under. My thinking is distorted when it comes to feeling anxiety. I trust the feeling more than I trust the truth. No one is going to judge me or laugh at me and even if they did, I would live through the experience. I am fat and I do draw attention for being fat. That's the reality of things.

Well, I've taken a few deep breaths and the anxiety had let up just a bit. I'm going to go and change into my walking clothes and walk to the mailboxes. I'd like to do more but I know that's about all I can tolerate at this point. I used to be able to walk a mile around the community without very much trouble, but I'm so out of shape now that just making it to the mailboxes is a victory.

Here I go, fighting the anxiety all the way. I'll let you know how the walk goes.