Negativity

It's interesting how easily I can get into a negative frame of mind. I can't pinpoint why I'm feeling this way. I just am. I want to eat to ease the anxiety but I'm not going to do that. I could so easily justify eating right now. I could so easily give in. So instead of eating, I am blogging. I need to discover what is at the base of these feelings. Anxiety is just covering up something else (fear?). If I sit long enough with it maybe I'll figure it out. I'll do some subconscious thinking and maybe I'll hit on it.

Marianne suggested that I ask myself how I can get the same feeling that eating gives me without food. Right now, I honestly don't know. It's so automatic for me to just eat when I feel this way. It's a lot of work to NOT eat. I have to be very intentional about not eating. I've already had dinner and desert so I don't need anything else, physically, but mentally I could use something to get rid of this feeling.

What is it that I'm feeling? Not on the surface, but deep down. I think that I am afraid of failing and afraid of succeeding. What if I've started this blog and then give in on the first day? What if I succeed and lose weight? Could I endure the attention either way? When I was talking to Marianne earlier I remembered telling her that the question I hear in my head when I tell myself it's okay to take care of myself is "who do you think you are taking care of yourself?". My mom would have said that to me. Just who do I think I am trying to be? Do I think I'm something special that I deserve to take care of myself? Argh!

Yes, I do deserve to take care of myself. I deserve that more than I deserve to stuff myself and my feelings because I don't understand them. What does taking care of myself look like? It's eating healthier foods and eating less food overall. It involves walking and exercising. It also means that I should be kind to myself and cut myself some slack. I'm not going to be perfect at this. Ever. I'll just always do the best I can each day.

There's a commercial on TV for an exercise machine (looks stupid really) and the lady in the commercial looks great. I want to look like that. I want to be able to go over to the pool without feeling ashamed of how I look. I have fat in places that I didn't even know it was possible to have fat. I'm going to have to do this slowly so that I'm not left with hanging skin all over.

Deep sigh. I know that I was sleeping a lot so I could avoid eating. Now I need to avoid eating for comfort while I'm awake. I'm going to have to use a lot of the skills I have learned in counseling to get me through these tough times. What are some of the things I can do to help myself?

> listen to soothing, calming music or sounds (like the ocean or rain)
> distract myself from the feelings by drawing
> have a cough drop or a piece of gum
> do a collage (I need to pick up some magazines at the club house)
> go out for a walk
> call a friend
> get out of the house
> no more eating in the car alone (my secret little hideaway)
> eat my meals and snacks each day
> get some Ensure or Boost
> make a protein shake
> watch TV
> read a book
> blog

There are lots of things that I can be doing for myself that don't involve eating junk food. I don't eat a lot of healthy food but I was eating a lot of junk food. A lot! Some nights I would eat a bag of licorice, a candy bar, a donut and a drink a Cherry Coke. I was making myself sick doing that yet I kept doing it. Some days I would wake up and still feel full from the day before but keep eating. Man, these must be some scary feelings I'm trying to avoid to put myself through all of that.

My pledge to myself is to walk every day even if it's just a short walk. I can walk over to the mailboxes until I'm not hurting doing that. Then I'll go a little further (or is it farther, I always get those two confused). Oh, another thing I can do is drink more water. Not only is it good for me but it will make me feel full so I won't want to eat junk.

I remember when I was at Two Rivers and I weighed about 235. That seemed so fat but now it would be a blessing to weigh that much. I'll get there again. I will. I am determined. So I've done a pretty good job of describing what I'm feeling right now and I think it has helped me to do some blogging. I'm feeling better now.