Quick morning walk

It's 9am and I've already completed my walk and had breakfast (Boost). I walked for about 45 minutes today although it seemed like I was only out there for about 15 minutes. In the first part of the walk I was sure that I was going to turn around and go back to the car. I just didn't feel prepared for my walk this morning. I got up around 6:45am. I had a weird dream and just wanted to get out of the house. I left without taking my medicine. I did however drink some Boost before I went for my walk. I also forgot to bring some tissues. My nose always gets runny out there walking. I did remember to wear a hat today. There were some shady spots on the first half of the hike but the second half was very sunny. It was cool enough though that I could keep up a good pace. Yesterday I felt like I was out there for such a long time and today it felt so short. I was out twice as long yesterday but today just flew by.

I'm feeling pretty sore today so I think I'll just do a short walk tomorrow. I'm also still not feeling 100%. I still need to take my meds. That will help some. I'm ready for my morning nap. This afternoon I have to go to JCPenney's to get some shorts for David. That will be good for me to stretch my legs. I didn't use the camel pack this morning either. I was in too much of a hurry to get out of the house. So I just put a water bottle in my pocket in case I needed a drink. The walk was so quick that I didn't feel like I needed water until I got back to the car.

I'd like to take the short loop at Palmer Park in the morning but I'd also like to try someplace new, but not too far from the house. I should check out the Stetson Hills Open Area (High Chapparal is what I thinked it's called). I'll probably do that this afternoon too.

Off to take my meds and take a nap. Later gator.

Nature walk

I started out my day with some Boost and my meds. That was easier and quicker than making a protein shake before I left. I just wanted to give my body something for energy before I went to walk. I didn't get up until 6:40 and I wanted to get out the door. I planned on making a protein shake when I got home.


It was a great morning for a walk. It was overcast, just enough to keep the sun from beating down on me. I started at the Grandview Overlook but there weren't any trails, they were back down the road. Since I wasn't familiar enough with them I decided to go back up to Mesa Trail. Gorgeous up there today, as usual.

I stopped to take a lot of pictures of wildflowers today, so that made my walk time longer. I'd say I walked at least an hour which probably translates into about 2+ miles.

The left side of my lower back and my left hip gave me some trouble today but I was able to get through it and keep walking. I wanted to stop even before I started today. I almost turned around at the little loop when I got there. But I kept on going. It was good to get up there an hour earlier. Lots of people on the trail with their dogs.

I felt safe with so many people and dogs up there. The dogs get to be off leash. Only one of them growled at me today but it ended up being super friendly. I think I just caught it off guard. I somehow walked on a different part of the trail than I did yesterday and the wildflowers were everywhere. They were all different colors too. My little phone camera didn't do a great job of capturing their beauty and color. Tomorrow I may bring my digital camera.

I walked a little bit slower today and stopped more than I did yesterday. I still got a good workout in. I even went up the big hill to the Mesa overlook. It was amazing. It overlooked the city as well as Garden of the Gods and Pikes Peak. Simply amazing.


It was quite the incline but I was able to do it. Well worth the effort to get a view like this. I was hoping there was a clearly marked trail that would loop around from the top, but I couldn't find one. I ended up backtracking and going down the hill. The whole walk was pretty amazing. Even though it was more difficult because of the back and hip pain, I still enjoyed the walk. That's my shadow in the next picture.



I was surprised when I looked at my phone and it was almost 8:30am. I didn't realize I'd been out there that long. I felt like I had really accomplished something. Chewing a piece of gum while I walk sure does make a difference. I only had to sip on my water once or twice. I drank a lot more when I got back to the car.

When I got home I made my protein smoothie. I put in skim milk, protein powder, a splash of orange juice, some raspberries and banana. I mixed it all up in the blender. Wow! Was it delicious. My meds started kicking in and I started to feel sleepy so I went in for a nap. I slept for over an hour. I had a snack after I woke up - cashews. They were yummy and hit the spot.

Now I have to go take my shower. I see Marianne this afternoon at 3pm. Even though I only saw her a couple of days ago, it seems like it's been longer since I've done so much inbetween times. I'm excited to talk to her about my walking and eating and how they have improved. I'm not going to walk to the mailbox today since I walked so long this morning. I can definitely feel some soreness in my hips. That's a good thing though because I definitely have weight to lose there.

Time to hit the shower.

Awesome walk today in Palmer Park

I got up this morning and took my meds and made my protein smoothie. I drank about 1/4 of it and saved the rest for after my walk. Then I went up to Palmer Park, the Mesa Trail and walked. I walked at least a mile, probably more like a mile and a half. It felt really good. There were a few slight inclines that gave me a work out. There were lots of dogs on the trail today. One of them ran up to me and barked. That was a little scary. But overall the dogs were well behaved. I didn't really know which trail to take so I just meandered around. I kept up a good pace today. I really felt like I got a workout. My back seems to be doing okay. I may be sore later though.

On most of the trail the sun was beating down on me. It got hot. I chewed a piece of gum so I wouldn't get dry mouth and I brough a bottle of water. Doing both of those things helped me to walk longer. Next time I might wear my hat to keep the sun off my head and face. My face was very red after I finished walking. The drive home was nice. There is a cool breeze today. When I got home I finished up my protein smoothie. It was delicious. I probably should have made more though. I'll make more of it tomorrow. After I had my smoothie I changed into comfy clothes. I'll take a shower later. I'm feeling pretty tired right now, more from the meds than from the walk.

I think I'll hike in Palmer Park again tomorrow but I'll take a different trail. The Grandview Trail is about 1.3 miles. I may try to wak that tomorrow. It's an out and back. If I get too sore or tired I can always just turn around and go back. I think I can push myself though to do the whole out and back. I'd like to get there earlier before the sun becomes so much of an issue. I'll try to get there at 7am tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to walking again.

I have both doors open in the house and a nice breeze is coming in. It's nice to relax after actually doing something. I need to plan something for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll do the stir fry chicken tonight. I will look through the cabinets and see what I have for meals. I think I'll do an inventory again and post it on the fridge. That really helped me the last time I did it.

I'm feeling impatient about waiting on the weight loss. I want to see it happening today. I know I didn't get into this overnight and I won't get out of it overnight either.I'm really going to have to practice patience with the weight loss. My body is so used to keeping it's fat stores because I wasn't feeding it as often as I should have and I definitely wasn't feeding it healthy stuff. I'm not going to weight myself though. I want to feel the weight loss not just look at a number.

I can't believe I walked as far as I did today. I'm very happy with the progress I am making.

Middle of the night nonsense ;)

So, it's 1am and I'm up. This is the first night that I've been up that I thought about food. I'm not going to eat in the middle of the night. That's a bad habit to start. So I won't.

I went to bed thinking about what my day would be like today. I was thinking about my morning walk. I'm going to go up to Palmer Park and walk the Mesa Trail. Depending on how I feel I might expand the walk from what we did yesterday. I want to feel like I've had a workout when I'm done. I am a little nervous about walking alone even though I used to walk and hike alone all the time. I'll be okay. Definitely will watch out for rattlesnakes.

I'm trying to decide on whether I should have my protein shake before or after walking. I'll have to do some research on that. And I'll bring a bottle of water with me on the walk. By this weekend we'll have our Camel Packs and that will make bringing water easier and much more convenient. I really need to drink more water. I know I'm dehydrated to some extent because I barely drink water during the day. I've got to start slogging down the water at all times.

I thought hard on what this journey means to me. It's a long and serious undertaking. When I think that it will take about a year to get myself back in shape, I get nervous. Can I stay committed? Will I actually see results at some point? It's hard to even imagine. I'm hoping that this blog will keep me going throughout the process. I want to be the skinny girl that I once was. I know that at my age things will go a little slower but I still think it can be done.

I've been feeling restless the last couple of nights. I feel like my sleep is fitful. I'm not sure what that's about. Maybe it's because I'm actually walking again. I have pent up energy that needs to be disbursed. Heck, I don't know what I'm saying. It's after 1am and I should be back in bed. I don't feel like going to bed though. Maybe I'll just stay up for a while and head to bed when I'm feeling more tired. Allergies are effecting me tonight. I need to go take some Benadryl. That will help me to sleep.

Okay, off to take my Benadryl and research whether it's better to have the protein smoothie before or after the walk.

Shopping is done

I got the grocery shopping done and pretty much stuck to the list. There were just a couple things that I forgot to put on the list so I picked them up while I was there. I felt pretty good walking around the store. I didn't feel as drained as I usually do. At the check out, they are using brown paper bags instead of the small plastic bags. The guy loaded up the bags to the point that I wasn't sure I could carry them. There were only four of them but that was two trips into the house. My lower back is sore now. I'm going to rest for a few minutes and then get myself some lunch.

I know that there are a lot of people who don't even think twice about going shopping but it is definitely a work out for me. I can see the progress that I'm making though. There are lots of things that are a work out for me that didn't used to be. I've taken those things for granted before. Now I'm thrilled whenever I can do anything that involves activity. It does feel good to get out there and move.

I got what I needed to breakfast, lunch and dinners. I'm going to try the stir fry and see if I can tolerate the meat cooked like that. Just plain meat doesn't appeal to me anymore. I also got a six pack of protein Boost. That's always a good, quick, healthy meal. I and got some healthier snacks too (graham crackers, wheat thins, raisins, etc.). If I can't control myself with the snacks then I just won't get any again. I think I'll do okay though. Today I'm going to have my last french bread peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I need to limit my white bread intake along with the sugary stuff (jelly). I did get a low sugar, low calorie jelly this time.

I'm looking forward to getting out there at Palmer Park and walking tomorrow. It won't be long before I'll be able to do the 3 mile loop. I'll stick to the short loop for now. I can always do it twice if I feel like I haven't walked enough. It's really beautiful up there. I'll remember to take pictures tomorrow. ;)

I've been off my anti-inflammatory meds for a few days now. I think I'm doing okay with it. It worries me that my kidneys are effected by my meds. I'm hoping it's the Relafen, otherwise I'll have to talk to the Dr. and figure out which other med could effect my kidneys. I'd like to get off all my meds at some point. I think if I keep up the activity and eat better that mentally and physically I'll feel better. One tihing at a time though.

Well, I'm rested enough now to make my lunch.

Food addiction

I found this quote today. I think it's very interesting.

"The physiological and psychological dependency of food can best be broken when the individual recognizes that they are powerless to combat it alone. They must look to God, who alone is able to provide help and healing in this and all areas of human helplessness. “For I am the LORD who heals you" (Exodus 15:26b). God is as much concerned with our physical well being as He is with our spiritual relationship to Him. As an individual seeks Him, he will find health and healing and recovery. “Dear friend, I am praying that all is well with you and that your body is as healthy as I know your soul is” (3 John 2)."

Marianne told me that Dr. Bird describes addiction as:

"A pathological relationship to a mood-altering experience."

That definitely describes my relationship with food. Pathological means excessive or extreme. Food sure does alter my mood. If I'm anxious all I have to do is eat and I feel calm. But it never lasts for long. So then I have to eat again. Finding other ways to alter my mood is important. There are all the DBT skills, the 911 list and other things to do to change the way I feel. Walking is a way to deal with anxiety too. Eating is just punishing myself. That's not what I want to do. I want to be healthy, lose weight and be an active participant in my own life.

Marianne asked if I could have David come to my Thursday session. He said he would be there for the 2nd half of the appointment. I need to get across to him that I am dealing with an addiction and it's difficult for me to not slip when he's asking me to get junk food and drinks. I also want to let him know that I may slip and I need for him to not chastise me in jest or for real. I'd like his support but I would settle for his understanding. I know that at some point I will have junk food. I don't want David making a big deal about it when I do. Saying 'no' to him each time makes me feel guilty. What if he asks and I say 'no' and then I do want something? Will he get mad at me? I can't be worried about that. I just need to do what is right for me.

Tomorrow Lisa and I are going to go over to Palmer Park so she can show me where the trailheads are. That will be fun. I'm looking forward to it.

Trying not to be disappointed

I did my official Monday morning weigh - I went up from 273 to 273.2. Drats! I'm obviously going to have to change my eating. I'm getting way too many carbs in my current diet. I need to knock off the cereal and have protein shakes in the morning. And I'm eating way too much bread (sandwiches). That'll have to stop too. I'm not eating a very balanced diet so I need to switch things up. I'm not completely disappointed because I was at 276.4 when I started this. So I'm still down a few pounds. I'm not going to fixate on the numbers though. I'm feeling better and able to walk more so I am making progress. And I'm staying away from Coke and junk food too. That's a very big deal.

This morning I drove over to Palmer Park and took a short walk around the playground. I didn't enjoy the walk very much since it was on pavement. After the walk I drove up on the Mesa and tried to find the loop trail but couldn't find it. It was beautiful up there though.



I'll have to get Lisa to go over there with me so she can show me where the trails are. I'd much rather walk trails than pavement. But I did get out there. That's a good sign. I'm home now and don't feel like doing anything and I do have stuff to do (store, CU, post office, fax, Marianne) so I'm going to have to get myself going even though I don't feel like doing anything. I know that's the depression effecting me. I want to go take a nap but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to stay up and get things done.

I'm going to have to do a better job of planning out meals. I'm not walking enough yet to burn up the calories that I'm eating. Getting rid of the carbs is the hardest thing for me (cereal, break, potatoes, corn). I'm going to do my best though to change my eating. I don't have much food here at the house so I'll have to plan and make a list so I can pick up some things at the grocery store. My eating habits have to change.

I may try to go out for another walk this afternoon, that is if it's not raining. With the short walks that I'm doing I could easily do 2 walks a day. I'll have to see how that goes. I think I'm a little sore from all the walking at the Zoo yesterday.


Walking around for 2 1/2 hours is a lot for me. We did rest quite a bit but there still was lots of walking.

Well, I better get started on things before I end up in bed. The desire to nap is strong but the force is stronger. ;)

At the Zoo

What an awesome day today! We got up early and went to breakfast. I got 2 scrambled eggs, some bacon and 3 small pancakes. I didn't eat everything. It was a bigger breakfast than usual for me so I couldn't eat it all. Then from breakfast we went to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. It was gorgeous up there today. David asked if I wanted to stop in the cafe and get something to drink while we were walking the Zoo. I said no. We spent 2 1/2 hours at the Zoo! We did a lot of walking and stair climbing. We rested every now and again since I'm not used to being out that long. It felt good to be outdoors for the day. David enjoyed the walk too.


On the ride home David asked me 3 times if I wanted to stop for a Coke or a Sundae. I said no all 3 times. I am proud of myself. That's a usual habit for us when we go out (stopping somewhere on the way home to get a snack or meal). Instead we came home and I made us PB&J sandwiches. Much more satisfying than Coke, candy bars and ice cream. I felt like it would just take away all the walking we did at the Zoo if we got junk food. It was hard to say no so many times but I am determined to lose weight.


When we got home we watched NASCAR for a while. I downloaded our photos from the Zoo to facebook. Then I went in and took a well deserved nap. It's 4pm now. I still have some laundry to do so I'll get that going again in a few minutes. I'm not sure what I'm going to have for dinner tonight. I know I don't want anything heavy. I don't like having a big meal near the end of the day. Maybe I'll just have a bowl of cereal.

I need to check to see if I have the ingredients for protein shakes. I'd like to have a protein shake to start off my day tomorrow. I have some errands to run tomorrow (post office, credit union) and an appointment with Marianne at noon. I'm looking forward to seeing her again. I want to let her know how I'm doing with the weight loss.

Shellie called with my lab results from the 5th. My cholesterol numbers are totally on track. The only thing she is concerned about is my GFR results. She thinks that the medicine I take for inflammation may be effecting my kidneys. Her suggestion was to stop the Relafen for 3 months and see how I do. I'm not sure how the pain will be without the anti-inflammatory but if it means healthier kidneys if I stop, then I'll stop. I may be able to get the kidney function back. I'll also need to check with Dr. Fouss to see if any of the meds he has me on could effect my kidneys. I'm not going to worry about it. I'll make the change and get blood work again in 3 months. I'm just glad that my cholesterol numbers are where they should be. Eating better is making a difference.

So all in all it was a wonderful day. I didn't think I'd make it walking through the Zoo, but I did. It feels good to be active.

On the go

It's almost 4am. I'm not sure why I'm up. I thought that maybe I have something to say. So here we are at the blog. I'm trying not to be too excited about losing 5 1/2 pounds but I am. It's nice to see my efforts rewarded. I know there will be times when it feels like I'm not getting anywhere and during those times I need to remember the small victories. Why is it so much easier to gain weight than it is to lose it? I think it's because sitting and eating are such passive activities while walking and eating healthy are proactive activities. You have to put more into losing weight.

I'm hoping I feel strong enough to go to the Zoo later this morning. There are a lot of hills and tons of walking around. I'm looking forward to the challenge but don't want to over do and stress myself past my limits. We'll be stopping a lot to watch the animals so we both should do okay. If not we'll just leave the Zoo. We have an annual pass and can go back anytime we want to.

I think I'll bring some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and fruit so when we leave the Zoo we will be less apt to stop for something to eat. It's figuring out that kind of trigger that is helpful. Usually we would stop at McDonald's or some such place to bring lunch/dinner home. I'm not going to do that today. One meal at McDonald's and I would gain back all the weight I've lost. Not a good deal.

When I was looking at pictures again last night, it really struck me that I was always on the go. I had a life. I don't have much of a life now but I'm trying to get it back. I've become scared of doing things or know I will feel uncomfortable so I just stopped.

I had somewhere to go back then. I was on the move. I don't particularly remember exercising in those days but I know I walked a lot and was always outdoors. My life has become sedentary in the last 15 years. I think part of the reason why I sit around so much is because of all the meds I'm on. I'd like to think that I can get myself well enough that I won't have to take so much medicine. Just having a life was enough back then.

So many people look for an easy way out of weight loss but there isn't one. I have to eat less than my body is burning in calories. I have to eat healthier foods, especially fruits and vegetables. And water, I've got to drink more water. I'm only drinking about a bottle a day and that's not near enough. Drinking water will also help me to lose weight. There are no magic exercise machines, pills or food to lose weight. It's just common sense and the ability to keep on moving. I really think I will look and feel better at 50 than I have in my 30's and 40's. That's a goal to achieve.

I look at these pictures and wonder where I was going. I know that John and I were always going somewhere, a place that involved hiking or walking (or for him, running) or biking. Junk food wasn't such a problem back then. It seems to have insinuated itself into ever aspect of our lives. In the grocery store you have to walk past the Starbucks, cruise on by all the junk food that is postioned at eye level and on end shelves, and try to make it past all the candy that is up at the registers. I can't avoid it and I always have to be aware of the marketing strategy. They set you up to fail. Then you feel bad because you fail, so you go back to there products for comfort. It's a Catch-22.

The other thing I notice about pictures of me way back when is that I was always somewhere other than home. I always was on an adventure. Now, not so much, but that can change. My goal is to have adventures again and include them in this blog. I want people to see that even if you're really out of shape like me you can still do things. You just have to do it in babysteps. If I tried to overdo I would defeat myself. I don't want to be my own worst enemy anymore.

So now it's 4:35am and I'm going to start doing some laundry and put dishes in the dishwasher. My back still feels cramped up but I'm looking forward to going to the Zoo anyway. It will be an adventure and I need more of those.

Accentuate the positive

Didn't do so well today but that's okay. I'm going to concentrate on the positive things, not the negative. My positive for today is that I weighed myself and I weigh 272.2 pounds. I'm headed in the right direction. I'm hoping to have a better day tomorrow. I see Marianne in the afternoon. I'm looking forward to seeing her.

This time of night

I have the dishes in the dishwasher. I paid a couple of bills that came in the mail. I went through all the paperwork sitting on the table and took care of that and I cleaned up my table. David still isn't up so I had a piece of cheese and a plain bagel for dinner. He may sleep through the night. He's been going to work very early and working a lot of hours so he is tired.

This time of night is most difficult for me because this is usually when I would eat junk food. I get bored and want to eat. So instead of just sitting here thinking about junk food I'm getting a few things done. I'm also watching the Red Sox/Yankees game (BoSox are up 6-5). That's keeping my mind somewhat occupied. I'm not going to the 7-11 to get junk food so I need to do whatever it takes to get through this difficult time of day.

I feel better now that I've done a few things. It makes me feel like the day wasn't a complete waste.

Challenge

I didn't wake up until 8:30 this morning. It's very cloudy outside and it's only 50 degrees. It's June 10th and it's only 50 degrees. What happened to summer? Anyway, the cloudy weather and low temperature are excuses not to go walking this morning. It's not raining out so I definitely could go for my walk but I'm procrastinating again. I had my bowl of cereal and took my meds instead. Maybe today I'll save the walk for this afternoon and go over and get the mail. Even if it's raining I can go for a walk.

I'm surprised at how much of a struggle this all is. I thought that once I made my mind up to change things that things would just change. But it hasn't worked out that way. I have to fight through so many feelings. In the end it will be worth the struggle. I like a challenge and this certainly is challenging.

Facing Reality

This is what I look like tonight. I don't look happy. I need to see pictures of myself so I can face the reality of my situation. I can play mind games with myself and think that I look better than I really do. That is not helpful. I need to see the effects that food has on me. Not to beat myself up but to motivate and lift me up. The skinny girl is in there. I can see her. :-)

Another 'Woohoo' for me

I went for my daily walk. As soon as I stepped out the door I was greeting by the sweet smell of lilacs. It was heavenly. It followed me on my walk. It made the walk delightful. I wish I could walk more but for now I'm doing what I can do. My lower back started hurting at about the same point in the walk that it did yesterday. But it already feels fine. The ups and downs of the walk make it challenging and I expend more energy at points throughout the walk. That's a good thing. I may take another walk later to get the mail.

Bad dreams

I've been having a lot of bad dreams lately that involve my family of origin. I woke up from one this morning at about 4:30am. I felt so anxious that I had a bowl of cereal (which I would have had anyway later in the morning) and took my morning meds. I'm not mad at myself for eating a bowl of cereal. What I am having difficulty with is that instead of writing about the dream or just sitting with the discomfort, I ate. Then I went back to bed and got up about 20 minutes ago (around 9am). I usually get a stomach ache if I eat and go back to bed and I did this morning. I'm not feeling so good this morning. Because I don't feel good I don't want to go out for a walk. I could always walk later today but I should just get out ther and do it now. I'll be going over to Lisa's today so I need to get my day going. But once again I'm procrastinating.

Procrastination is horrible. Whatever I'm procarstinating about stays with me, like a storm cloud over my head, until I do what I need to do. I don't feel good when I put things off. I feel haunted. Why not just do it and be done then? There must be a payoff for procrastinating. I'll need to think about what it is.

I think I'm going to take some allergy medicine and go for a walk. It looks nice out there so I'm going to get out there and enjoy the day.

Negativity

It's interesting how easily I can get into a negative frame of mind. I can't pinpoint why I'm feeling this way. I just am. I want to eat to ease the anxiety but I'm not going to do that. I could so easily justify eating right now. I could so easily give in. So instead of eating, I am blogging. I need to discover what is at the base of these feelings. Anxiety is just covering up something else (fear?). If I sit long enough with it maybe I'll figure it out. I'll do some subconscious thinking and maybe I'll hit on it.

Marianne suggested that I ask myself how I can get the same feeling that eating gives me without food. Right now, I honestly don't know. It's so automatic for me to just eat when I feel this way. It's a lot of work to NOT eat. I have to be very intentional about not eating. I've already had dinner and desert so I don't need anything else, physically, but mentally I could use something to get rid of this feeling.

What is it that I'm feeling? Not on the surface, but deep down. I think that I am afraid of failing and afraid of succeeding. What if I've started this blog and then give in on the first day? What if I succeed and lose weight? Could I endure the attention either way? When I was talking to Marianne earlier I remembered telling her that the question I hear in my head when I tell myself it's okay to take care of myself is "who do you think you are taking care of yourself?". My mom would have said that to me. Just who do I think I am trying to be? Do I think I'm something special that I deserve to take care of myself? Argh!

Yes, I do deserve to take care of myself. I deserve that more than I deserve to stuff myself and my feelings because I don't understand them. What does taking care of myself look like? It's eating healthier foods and eating less food overall. It involves walking and exercising. It also means that I should be kind to myself and cut myself some slack. I'm not going to be perfect at this. Ever. I'll just always do the best I can each day.

There's a commercial on TV for an exercise machine (looks stupid really) and the lady in the commercial looks great. I want to look like that. I want to be able to go over to the pool without feeling ashamed of how I look. I have fat in places that I didn't even know it was possible to have fat. I'm going to have to do this slowly so that I'm not left with hanging skin all over.

Deep sigh. I know that I was sleeping a lot so I could avoid eating. Now I need to avoid eating for comfort while I'm awake. I'm going to have to use a lot of the skills I have learned in counseling to get me through these tough times. What are some of the things I can do to help myself?

> listen to soothing, calming music or sounds (like the ocean or rain)
> distract myself from the feelings by drawing
> have a cough drop or a piece of gum
> do a collage (I need to pick up some magazines at the club house)
> go out for a walk
> call a friend
> get out of the house
> no more eating in the car alone (my secret little hideaway)
> eat my meals and snacks each day
> get some Ensure or Boost
> make a protein shake
> watch TV
> read a book
> blog

There are lots of things that I can be doing for myself that don't involve eating junk food. I don't eat a lot of healthy food but I was eating a lot of junk food. A lot! Some nights I would eat a bag of licorice, a candy bar, a donut and a drink a Cherry Coke. I was making myself sick doing that yet I kept doing it. Some days I would wake up and still feel full from the day before but keep eating. Man, these must be some scary feelings I'm trying to avoid to put myself through all of that.

My pledge to myself is to walk every day even if it's just a short walk. I can walk over to the mailboxes until I'm not hurting doing that. Then I'll go a little further (or is it farther, I always get those two confused). Oh, another thing I can do is drink more water. Not only is it good for me but it will make me feel full so I won't want to eat junk.

I remember when I was at Two Rivers and I weighed about 235. That seemed so fat but now it would be a blessing to weigh that much. I'll get there again. I will. I am determined. So I've done a pretty good job of describing what I'm feeling right now and I think it has helped me to do some blogging. I'm feeling better now.

06/08/2009 morning walk

This is the view of Pikes Peak this morning.

I did it. I got dressed (which was a major production in and of itself) and I went out for a short walk. It's a beautiful day with a light, cool breeze. I feel better now that I've done the walk. My lower back started hurting just about when I was turning the corner for the house. On other walks it had started hurting long before that, so I think there is some improvement already. Now it's time for a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and a small glass of orange juice. After I eat I'll take my morning medicine and either lay down for an hour because my medicine makes me so tired or I'll jump in the shower. I'm thinking that an hour nap will win out. LOL

I can't believe how out of shape I am. I wear myself out just by getting dressed. That's ridiculous, but it's okay. I'll do what I can when I can and be grateful for being able to do it. I was able to get dressed and I was able to go for a walk. That is progress.

Stuck in the mud

I feel like I'm stuck in the mud this morning. I am feeling anxious about doing anything. I want to go out for a walk but my hair is a mess. I'm letting that keep me from exercising. That's not good. I've been having this 'stuck in the mud' problem for months now. That's why I've gained more weight. It's not easy to get back to a lifestyle of movement and activity when I'm so used to just going back to bed when I can't decide what to do. I need to be good to myself and this morning that means going for a short walk.

I'm thinking that I have to change into my walking clothes and that's got me stuck too. I don't know why I have such anxiety about going out into the world. I know that I'm afraid that 'people' are looking at me and judging me, laughing at me. Who are these people I fear and why do I think that they are judging me. I guess I feel this way because I grew up in a family full of people who did judge me and who did laugh at me. I've transferred their poor behavior onto the world at large. How do I get past that? Or do I get past it? Maybe I just need to get out there and walk regardless of how I'm feeling.

I remember being told that feelings are NOT facts. I treat my feelings like they are fact though. I need to change that behavior. I need to push through the discomfort and get out there and walk. But I'm not convinced quite yet. This is harder than you can imagine. There is a fear of failure at even starting. What if I can't lose the weight? Shouldn't I be focusing on the process, not the outcome. The process is what is important, not the outcome.

I can feel the anxiety in my chest and in my stomach. It is such an uncomfortable feeling. I hate it. I need to get myself to push through this and get out there and walk. Just doing a little bit each day will help. I want to blog about this anxiety though so I can try to understand it better. I'd like to know where these feelings are coming from and what distortion I am operating under. My thinking is distorted when it comes to feeling anxiety. I trust the feeling more than I trust the truth. No one is going to judge me or laugh at me and even if they did, I would live through the experience. I am fat and I do draw attention for being fat. That's the reality of things.

Well, I've taken a few deep breaths and the anxiety had let up just a bit. I'm going to go and change into my walking clothes and walk to the mailboxes. I'd like to do more but I know that's about all I can tolerate at this point. I used to be able to walk a mile around the community without very much trouble, but I'm so out of shape now that just making it to the mailboxes is a victory.

Here I go, fighting the anxiety all the way. I'll let you know how the walk goes.