Stuck in the mud

I feel like I'm stuck in the mud this morning. I am feeling anxious about doing anything. I want to go out for a walk but my hair is a mess. I'm letting that keep me from exercising. That's not good. I've been having this 'stuck in the mud' problem for months now. That's why I've gained more weight. It's not easy to get back to a lifestyle of movement and activity when I'm so used to just going back to bed when I can't decide what to do. I need to be good to myself and this morning that means going for a short walk.

I'm thinking that I have to change into my walking clothes and that's got me stuck too. I don't know why I have such anxiety about going out into the world. I know that I'm afraid that 'people' are looking at me and judging me, laughing at me. Who are these people I fear and why do I think that they are judging me. I guess I feel this way because I grew up in a family full of people who did judge me and who did laugh at me. I've transferred their poor behavior onto the world at large. How do I get past that? Or do I get past it? Maybe I just need to get out there and walk regardless of how I'm feeling.

I remember being told that feelings are NOT facts. I treat my feelings like they are fact though. I need to change that behavior. I need to push through the discomfort and get out there and walk. But I'm not convinced quite yet. This is harder than you can imagine. There is a fear of failure at even starting. What if I can't lose the weight? Shouldn't I be focusing on the process, not the outcome. The process is what is important, not the outcome.

I can feel the anxiety in my chest and in my stomach. It is such an uncomfortable feeling. I hate it. I need to get myself to push through this and get out there and walk. Just doing a little bit each day will help. I want to blog about this anxiety though so I can try to understand it better. I'd like to know where these feelings are coming from and what distortion I am operating under. My thinking is distorted when it comes to feeling anxiety. I trust the feeling more than I trust the truth. No one is going to judge me or laugh at me and even if they did, I would live through the experience. I am fat and I do draw attention for being fat. That's the reality of things.

Well, I've taken a few deep breaths and the anxiety had let up just a bit. I'm going to go and change into my walking clothes and walk to the mailboxes. I'd like to do more but I know that's about all I can tolerate at this point. I used to be able to walk a mile around the community without very much trouble, but I'm so out of shape now that just making it to the mailboxes is a victory.

Here I go, fighting the anxiety all the way. I'll let you know how the walk goes.