Learning a lesson

I actually got up in the morning on Thursday and went walking. I was afraid that I wouldn't go because I took Wednesday off. But I got out there and walked. It was only about 68 degrees with a cool breeze. Very nice walking weather. I walked the loop in a bit under 40 minutes. I got up there at about 7:40am, kind of late, but there were enough people out there that I felt safe walking. It was a difficult walk mentally. I keep wanting to quit or shorten the walk. I kept giving myself little goals and told myself that if I could get there then I could decide on whether to continue or turn around and go back. I kept wanting to quit but I never did. I walked the whole loop. I really felt like I had accomplished something when I finished.

When I got back home I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and went in to take a nap. I also had a bowl of cereal for lunch. I had an appointment with Marianne at 3pm so I showered and left at 2:30pm. We had a very interesting session. I left feeling sad. When I got home I asked David if he wanted to go out to dinner, for pizza. He said he would like to do that so we went to NYPD Pizza. We hadn't been there in quite a while. The pizza wasn't as good as it has been in the past. I don't think it was the fault of the pizza maker but it was that I just couldn't enjoy eating all those carbs. I didn't eat it all but enough to make me full (which I hadn't been doing for a while). I got lemonade to drink. The stuff was loaded with sugar but had no carbonation. I should have known then that I was not going to have a good night when it came to food.



From dinner we drove over to Garden of the Gods for our nightly deer run. We did see a couple of does. They were beautiful. But I knew my real reason for wanting to stay out driving was so I could get a candy bar for the ride home. When I got into the Loaf 'n Jug I didn't stop at the candy bar. I also got a Hawaiin Punch drink. Talk about pure evil to drink. It's loaded with sugar, coloring, etc. But I didn't let that deter me. I also got us each a little pack of salted peanuts. Then I went for the king size Milky Way candy bar. On the drive home I ate some of the peanuts and gave the remainder to David. I drank some of my fruit punch. It tasted sickeningly sweet but I drank it anyway. When we got home I ate the whole king size Milky Way. I started feeling sick almost right away. I knew I had overindulged on too much junk food.

I did all the mental gymnastics along the way to tell myself that it was okay to indulge (when I knew it really wasn't). I justified and rationalized myself into eating so much that I felt sick. So here I am at 2:45am, up because I felt like I needed to throw up. Thankfully I didn't but I felt very sick. I took some Pepto Bismol to quiet the burn in my throat. Now I'm sitting up writing about my travails and hoping I don't feel worse. The Pepto seems to be working though. I'm embarassed and ashamed of my eating all that junk but I have learned a valuable lesson through all of this. Junk food is just that - JUNK! I need to take healthy snacks with me when we go on a drive so I can avoid the store. I also need to bring water with me so that I am not tempted to get a nasty drink (like the fruit punch). It's poor planning on my part. I have to make sure I have the healthy foods available at home so it's easy to take something with me when we go for a drive

Anyway, lesson learned - junk food makes you feel junky. The end.

Got an "A" on my test

Up in the middle of the night again. I realize that I made it through the testing. I didn't ask David to get me anything at Wendy's and I said no when he offered me some of his food. I thought I would feel angry or anxious but instead I feel empowered. I don't need or deserve to put junk food into my body. What I need and what I deserve is to take care of myself and to be as healthy as I can be in this moment. It would have been easy to give in yesterday because I was feeling defeated. I want to feel some weight loss and I don't. I'm sure something is happening and it's so subtle that I'm just not picking up on it. This is not a mile race, it is a marathon. It is not a microwave but a slow cooker. It is about each step that leads to the next step. Weight loss will show itself soon enough, but until it does I can take solace in all the small victories. I made it without eating junk food. That is a victory.

My elbows are hurting because of inflammation. They feel very sore and uncomfortable. I also have a sore spot on my right knee. If I twist it just so it feels like I might fall down. And I also have 2 teeth that are hurting. Whine, whine, whine. LOL Inflammation is no fun do deal with. I may have to try some Tylenol is the pain everywhere persists.

Later this morning I am going to take a shower to start the day. I'll have a Boost for breakfast. Then David and I can go somewhere for a walk (maybe Garden of the Gods).


The weather is supposed to be beautiful today. I'm looking forward to being out there and enjoying the Garden. I'd like to get in at least a 20 minute walk. I think that David could do that without too much trouble. If he can't we'll just turn back. I may want to walk around the community today to increase my distance time for the day.

I'm already looking forward to Monday morning and going back up to Palmer Park to do the 45 minute loop. i want to get up there early (by 7am) so heat isn't an issue. I'll try out the camel pack and see how it works. If it works okay (meaning: I can still walk while carrying it) then I can take it with me on Monday morning.

I am so happy that I chose not to eat junk food. That's a big step for me. I wanted to give in and get some junk but I used my wise mind and decided it wasn't worth the momentary high. It would have made me feel like I was starting all over again and I don't want that feeling. I want to move forward. I know there might be some slips and I'll have to deal with those when they happen. I know that I won't be perfect at doing this but I'm going to do my best everyday. I want to see the pounds go away.

I've been very tempted to weigh myself. I hope that I'll see a smaller number and that I'll feel like I've accomplished something. But I've decided not to weigh myself and I'm going to stick with that decision. My sense of accomplishment is going to have to come from eating healthier and walking daily. I truly want to be in better shape for the 2nd half of my life than I have been up until now.

feeling antsy

I would like to eat some junk food tonight. I'm not going to do that. I had some raw, baby carrots instead of junk food. Not quite as satisfying but it took the edge off and there really is an edge to take off. I know I'm going through sugar and food withdrawals. Knowing it doesn't always help but if I can tell myself I can get through this moment, I'll do okay. It doesn't help that there are constant commercials on TV for food. Hmm. Think I'll just turn the TV off. Duh! LOL The TV is off right now. David will turn it on when he gets up from his nap. I'll just have to distract myself with other things, maybe pencil coloring. Or I could get out my paints and do something with those. I keep forgetting to stop by the clubhouse and pick up magazines so I can do collages. I really like doing them. They are a way for me to relax myself.

I need to do something to distract myself. I'm feeling antsy.

This time of night

I have the dishes in the dishwasher. I paid a couple of bills that came in the mail. I went through all the paperwork sitting on the table and took care of that and I cleaned up my table. David still isn't up so I had a piece of cheese and a plain bagel for dinner. He may sleep through the night. He's been going to work very early and working a lot of hours so he is tired.

This time of night is most difficult for me because this is usually when I would eat junk food. I get bored and want to eat. So instead of just sitting here thinking about junk food I'm getting a few things done. I'm also watching the Red Sox/Yankees game (BoSox are up 6-5). That's keeping my mind somewhat occupied. I'm not going to the 7-11 to get junk food so I need to do whatever it takes to get through this difficult time of day.

I feel better now that I've done a few things. It makes me feel like the day wasn't a complete waste.