Evening hike on the Siamese Twins Trail, July 5, 2009

Tonight David and I went over to Garden of the Gods and walked on the Siamese Twins Trail. The trail had lots of elevation and was very uneven. It was a challenge to hike it. We went up to the Siamese Twins rock formation, took some pictures up there and then headed back down the trail. Unbelievable views from up there.


We had fun hiking the trail. I would have liked to do more of the trail but I didn't have my hiking boots on. It was pretty rocky so I would have needed my hiking boots to continue on. We'll do the whole loop some time though.



A high five for us because we didn't get something to eat out (although we discussed it). Instead we went home and had the rest of the spaghetti that Lisa and I made the other day. It was still delicious. For dessert we had fruit (watermelon, cantaloupe, honey dew, pineapple and grapes). It was a really good decision to eat at home.


Tomorrow morning we're going to get up early and go for a walk. We'll probably go to Palmer Park because I miss walking there. It's been a few days.

Indulgence vs. Deprivation

I woke up at 7am this morning and I took my morning meds and went back to bed until 10:30am. I got up then and took a shower. We headed out to Garden of the Gods. We were going to walk the trail from the South Canyon Trailhead but it was raining and lightning out so we nixed that idea. It's still raining and lightning from the east side to the foothills. I'm hoping to get a walk in later in the day. I took time to talk to David this morning. I explained to him that my thinking is very rigid and also very black and white. I talked about food, eating out, money and exercise. I realize that for me it's either indulgence or deprivation. There has been no middle ground. So I'm going to try to live in the gray area as much as I can and when it's appropriate. I talked to David about how I set ridiculously high standards for myself and set myself up to fail. I also told him that I apply those standards to him too and that it's not fair of me to do that.

Since I've kind of figured out what's going on in my head I've had a much easier time hanging out with David and enoying all the things we are doing. I can't tell you how much better I feel now that I know that my expectations were unreasonalbe and too high. I can relax a little now and enjoy my life today. And that's what I'm going to do, take it one day at a time.

I see Marianne tomorrow. In the back of my mind I tell myself that I'm just giving in. But that is the critical parent in my head, the one that says that I am not allowed to enjoy anything. I've set up rules that I don't want to follow anymore. It makes me feel uncomfortable but also relieved. Most of the rules involve telling myself I wont' do something AT ALL (will not allow myself to not go walking, will not allow myself to eat anything "bad", or not allow myself to spend any money). They are all okay things to do in moderation, but I have trouble with moderation. It's either all or nothing for me. I want to change that. I want to get my mom's voice out of my head because all she does is criticize me. I'm tired of that.

All this to say that I'm really working on making things different in my life. Today I feel like they can be different.

Independence Day 2009

I slept in today and didn't go for a walk because we had a long road trip planned for the day. We went from the Springs to Woodland Park, up to Deckers. From Deckers we went to Cheesman Reservoir where we stopped and had lunch. After lunch we continued on to Pine Junction, Jefferson and stopped at Jefferson Lake. We came out of Jefferson Lake and took the Tarryall Road through Park County. The road from Tarryall took us to Lake George. We took Highway 24 home from there. We missed most of the rain but could see that rain had fallen along the way. We did get out and walk around at a couple of stops. It felt good to stretch my legs.

I didn't do very well with my eating today. Breakfast was a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. I brought lunch for us (fruit, sandwiches) and found a perfect picnic stop at Cheesman Reservoir. I had a 100 calorie pack of cookies after lunch. I didn't realize we were going to be out for 7 hours and didn't bring anything for dinner. We ended up stopping at Wendy's. I got some asian chicken and fries. No pop though. David asked if I wanted to stop and I said 'yes'. No coersion necessary today. I wanted to eat fast food. Then when we got home I had some more cookies. Ugh! Oh well. There's always tomorrow.



I did do some thinking today about what I was trying to say yesterday and I finally figured it out. My thinking is VERY black and white. So when it comes to eating it's either no junk at all or failure. It's not realistic to think I'm going to go without treats once in a while. And it's okay to have a treat occaissionally. Not every day. Just once in a while. Living in that gray area is really hard for me. I see it as either success or failure and I need to see it as doing the best I can each day and that I can feel good for the progress I am making. So I didn't do my 40 minute morning walk but instead walked for shorter times throughout the day. That's okay. I didn't fail because it wasn't the Palmer Park walk this morning. I don't have to do a 40 minute walk every day. It's okay if some days it's 40 minutes total scattered throughout the day. The gray area.

I'm doing my best not to get on myself for not walking and not eating perfectly today. I hold myself to a standard that is so high that I can't possibly attain it. And I realize that I'm trying to hold David to that standard too. I always want to blame him for tempting me but it's my choice to walk or not walk and eat junk or not eat junk. I have to be able to take care of myself and do what's right for me no matter what anyone else is doing. This isn't about deprivation. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Somewhere in my brain I think that deprivation equals success. It doesn't though and I know that now.

Tomorrow the plan is for us to go over to Red Rock Canyon Open Space and go for a walk. I'm looking forward to doing that. I may sleep in again tomorrow and not beat myself up for doing it. I know that I'll get more walking in tomorrow. I just need to keep the standard realistic now.

Chill out

I took the day off from walking yesterday and cleaned the house and cooked with Lisa. It was a good day. David is on vacation now so I probably won't get to blog as much since we'll be out doing stuff. Today we took a drive up Old Stage Road. It was beautiful up there. Some parts of the road were very scary to me (drop offs on both sides - Yikes!) but I did fine. We took the highway back down from the turn to Cripple Creek. We didn't go to CC since we went there the other day. The weather was nice all day. I was afraid that it would rain and the dirt road we were on would get slick. Thankfully it was good weather all day.

I've been doing well with my eating today. I had a great protein smoothie for breakfast after my walk at Palmer Park with Lisa. Then I had a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch. Today I feel like I need to chill out a bit. I'm too strict with myself when it comes to food and I'm holding David to that same standard too. I'm making myself feel like I can never have a treat or if I do I'm a failure. I need to be more realistic about all of this. I'm certainly not going back to drinking pop and eating junk like I was doing but I want to be kinder to myself. I'm not sure I'm making any sense with this. I'll think on it and write more about it later. Maybe then I can figure out what I'm trying to say.

Evening Drive

Tonight David and I went for a drive to see the sunset over Pikes Peak from Garden of the Gods. It was beautiful out there. It would have been a nice time to walk because it was so cool but it was already getting dark out. It was still nice to get out.

On the way home David stopped at the store. He asked me if I wanted anything to drink. I said 'no'. I already made one mistake today, no need to make it worse. I was glad that I said no. I am having water now that I'm home.

David will be off for 10 days starting Friday. He usually likes to go out to eat when he's home on vacation. It's going to be hard to say 'no' all the time. I'll need to have food in the house so we can get by without going out to eat. I just need to be prepared. I want to keep walking every day too. It's so easy for me to give up on my routine when David is home all week. But I'm going to do my best to keep up the habits I've begun.

I am so frustrated...

with myself. I'd like to blame this on David but it's not his fault. He's not really any help but I'm an adult and I need to take responsibility for what I do. He didn't force me to do it. He did catch me when I was feeling anxious and vulnerable though. But again that's not his fault. I could have said 'no' instead of saying 'yes'. I feel like I'm making this more difficult for myself. I want to say "what's the point of trying", but I know that I'm doing more positive things than negative things and that's important for me to remember. I'm walking almost every day. That's a huge change for me. I'd like to be walking AND eating better but I'm going to give myself credit for adding in the walking each day. I have to admit though that I'm not feeling anxious or vulnerable anymore. Food is a mood altering experience for me. I wish David could understand that this is like a drug or alcohol addiction and that tempting me isn't very fair. Tonight I really feel like I have got to get this under control or I'm not going to do well. I hate giving in to the food. It makes me feel like a failure and like I'm weak. I try not to judge myself but I fail at that too. Go figure. I'm thinking of making tomorrow my day off this week. I feel like I'm not worth anyone helping me. I see Marianne tomorrow and I'm feeling bad that I keep giving in to David. I have to learn how to stand firm and do what's best for me. I wanted something to eat though to get rid of the anxiety. I had other things available to me, fruit and veggies, but I chose junk food instead. It was my choice. I made a bad decision.

I was just thinking that I should read some stuff on addicts to see what they go through when they are making changes to stop the bad behavior. Maybe it would help if I knew it wasn't just me feeling and acting this way. I'm not looking for an excuse for my behavior. I'm just looking for more support. My friends are being very supportive and that means a lot to me. And I can't say enough about Marianne's help with all of this. She's been great. But I just don't feel worthy of all the help and support. I have to stop being so hard on myself, don't I?

Morning walk - July 1, 2009

I'm still not feeling great today but I am able to push myself to get things done. I went out to Palmer Park and did my 40 minute walk. That felt good. When I got home I had a banana to keep me going until I could have breakfast. Then I took a shower. Not a big deal to most people but when your dealing with depression even the simple every day things are hard to do. I was really glad that I was able to get my shower out of the way. After my shower, I made a protein smoothie. There's still something lacking in the recipe. I think I'm going to get those supershots (drinkable yogurt) and try making the smoothies with them. The smoothie is just a little bit bland and I'd like it to have more flavor. So it's 9am and I've already walked, showered and had breakfast. Woot!

I'm still craving food this morning. Not so much junk food, but just something else to eat. Hopefully the smoothie will kick in and take away the craving.

I was thinking about making scrambled eggs this morning but it made me feel woozy to think about doing it. There's something about food preparation that is gross to me. I'm going to have to figure out ways to eat protein without having to do preparation. For example, I could get egg beaters instead of eggs. It's not that I don't want to spend the few minutes it takes to make my own scrambled eggs, it's that it really does make me sick to think of preparing food right now. Stuff made from vegetables and fruit doesn't bother me too much. Even peanut butter is gross to me right now. I don't know why it's like this all of a sudden. It's a mystery.

I got nipped at by a dog on the trail this morning. He ran up to me and grabbed at my shirt. It scared the heck out of me. I was okay but the owner seemed mortified by what her dog had done. She put him back on his leash. I didn't make a big deal out of it. I just let her know that he bit at me and that I was okay.

I've got to finish cleaning up the kitchen today so it'll be ready for Lisa and I tomorrow morning. We'll go shopping first then come back home to cook. We're going to make a spaghetti sauce that is easy and quick. I should feel better tomorrow because I will have something to look forward to. Most of my days I just don't have anything to do after I walk except laundry, dishes and cleaning. That's just not that exciting. For some reason I don't look forward with great anticipation to doing laundry and dishes. Call me crazy. ;)

I only took one picture today of a cactus. Dangerous but beautiful looking. It's my shot of the day so far.


There are lots of cacti out there. They were in bloom last month but not this month so much. I still like looking at them. I keep my eyes open on the trail to make sure I don't get too close to the side of the trail where all the cacti are.

It's been a good start to the day. Hopefully I can keep up with the day and continue to do positive things. But even if this is all I do today it's a whole lot more than I did yesterday.