Indulgence vs. Deprivation

I woke up at 7am this morning and I took my morning meds and went back to bed until 10:30am. I got up then and took a shower. We headed out to Garden of the Gods. We were going to walk the trail from the South Canyon Trailhead but it was raining and lightning out so we nixed that idea. It's still raining and lightning from the east side to the foothills. I'm hoping to get a walk in later in the day. I took time to talk to David this morning. I explained to him that my thinking is very rigid and also very black and white. I talked about food, eating out, money and exercise. I realize that for me it's either indulgence or deprivation. There has been no middle ground. So I'm going to try to live in the gray area as much as I can and when it's appropriate. I talked to David about how I set ridiculously high standards for myself and set myself up to fail. I also told him that I apply those standards to him too and that it's not fair of me to do that.

Since I've kind of figured out what's going on in my head I've had a much easier time hanging out with David and enoying all the things we are doing. I can't tell you how much better I feel now that I know that my expectations were unreasonalbe and too high. I can relax a little now and enjoy my life today. And that's what I'm going to do, take it one day at a time.

I see Marianne tomorrow. In the back of my mind I tell myself that I'm just giving in. But that is the critical parent in my head, the one that says that I am not allowed to enjoy anything. I've set up rules that I don't want to follow anymore. It makes me feel uncomfortable but also relieved. Most of the rules involve telling myself I wont' do something AT ALL (will not allow myself to not go walking, will not allow myself to eat anything "bad", or not allow myself to spend any money). They are all okay things to do in moderation, but I have trouble with moderation. It's either all or nothing for me. I want to change that. I want to get my mom's voice out of my head because all she does is criticize me. I'm tired of that.

All this to say that I'm really working on making things different in my life. Today I feel like they can be different.