with myself. I'd like to blame this on David but it's not his fault. He's not really any help but I'm an adult and I need to take responsibility for what I do. He didn't force me to do it. He did catch me when I was feeling anxious and vulnerable though. But again that's not his fault. I could have said 'no' instead of saying 'yes'. I feel like I'm making this more difficult for myself. I want to say "what's the point of trying", but I know that I'm doing more positive things than negative things and that's important for me to remember. I'm walking almost every day. That's a huge change for me. I'd like to be walking AND eating better but I'm going to give myself credit for adding in the walking each day. I have to admit though that I'm not feeling anxious or vulnerable anymore. Food is a mood altering experience for me. I wish David could understand that this is like a drug or alcohol addiction and that tempting me isn't very fair. Tonight I really feel like I have got to get this under control or I'm not going to do well. I hate giving in to the food. It makes me feel like a failure and like I'm weak. I try not to judge myself but I fail at that too. Go figure. I'm thinking of making tomorrow my day off this week. I feel like I'm not worth anyone helping me. I see Marianne tomorrow and I'm feeling bad that I keep giving in to David. I have to learn how to stand firm and do what's best for me. I wanted something to eat though to get rid of the anxiety. I had other things available to me, fruit and veggies, but I chose junk food instead. It was my choice. I made a bad decision.
I was just thinking that I should read some stuff on addicts to see what they go through when they are making changes to stop the bad behavior. Maybe it would help if I knew it wasn't just me feeling and acting this way. I'm not looking for an excuse for my behavior. I'm just looking for more support. My friends are being very supportive and that means a lot to me. And I can't say enough about Marianne's help with all of this. She's been great. But I just don't feel worthy of all the help and support. I have to stop being so hard on myself, don't I?
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