Driving always gets me

When I was driving to my appointment I realized that I usually leave early so I have time to get a snack and if I'm coming home later in the day I want to stop to pickup fast food too. I didn't do either today but I thought about doing both. Driving and eating are synonymous for me. I think it will take a while before I don't feel like eating while I'm out driving.

When I get up tomorrow I'll see how I feel and that will determine my walk. I don't want to over do. The camel packs that David bought came in today. I think it will work okay. I'll give it a try tomorrow.

I'm hoping I can do another long walk in the morning. I really like walking in Palmer Park.

What are you doing?

David just called. I know he doesn't mean anything by it when he asks me what I'm doing, but it always makes me feel guilty if I'm not doing something. Sometimes I even feel guilty when I am doing something because I don't feel like I'm doing enough. This would be a good topic to discuss with Marianne. Where are these expectations coming from? I can't blame everything on my mom. I've been with David for 20 years now and I still feel that way with him. Does he expect something of me that I'm not doing? Or is it that I expect something more of myself. Something I need to look at.

Looking forward

I look forward to the day when taking a shower and getting dress doesn't tire me out. That's how out of shape I am though. I need to keep up with the walking and eating better to see real progress. I'm a little bit sore but not too bad. I thought about getting some Tylenol but then I'd just be taking that all the time and Tylenol has negative effects on the liver. So I'll just stick with my muscle relaxer and my pain medicine.

Since I've been getting out and walking, I don't feel like the house is my cave anymore. I have the doors open again today. The breeze is making the windchimes play. It sounds so pretty. I always liked just being shut up in the house and not seeing anyone or more importantly, not letting anyone see me. Now I feel more freedom than I did before I started walking. I've been wearing shorts again too. I know I don't look great in them but it's warm out and it's nice to be able to wear shorts. I'm going to try not to be self conscious about how I look.

I almost weighed myself after my shower because I haven't put the scale away yet. I'll go do that right now. brb

It's out of my bathroom now. Out of sight is out of mind. I really don't need to weigh myself. I'll know by the way my clothes fit how I'm doing with weight. It's difficult having a food addiction because then you also have a weight addiction. I want to see those numbers to confirm that I'm doing a good job. But like Lisa said, weight can vary day to day, independent of exercise and eating (i.e. water retention). So it's not a good idea to weigh myself every day because if the numbers aren't going in the right direction I'll get bummed out and may give up. I don't want to do that.

I've been thinking about how long a process this is going to be. Sometimes that seems daunting, other times I'm grateful that I don't have to do it all today. I have to remind myself that the journey is what is important. Changing my behaviors with exercise and eating are the key thing. I've only been doing this for 2 weeks so I can't expect big results. And honestly, I don't want big results. It's been proven that if you lose weight fast you are more apt to gain it back plus some. I want this to be real weight loss. I just keep thinking about being in better shape at 50 than I've been in my 30's and 40's. That will be nice.

I have an hour and a half until I leave for my appointment. I'm doing my laundry and I'm trying to motivate myself to get up and put clean dishes away and put dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I haven't worked up the energy yet. No matter what I do the rest of the day, I've already accomplished a lot. I've done so much more than I was doing before I started walking.

I keep thinking about walking over to the mailbox but that would just be overdoing it. I don't want to exercise obsessively just like I don't want to eat obsessively. I'm already looking forward to this weekend and going out for walks with David. His eating has changed somewhat because mine has but I'm trying to not let his issues figure into what I decide to do. I can't lose weight for him and I don't want the responsibility anyway. It's enough just taking care of myself.

I'm glad I started this blog. It gives me a place to get out all the thoughts in my head. Instead of them just constantly running around my mind, I get to put them here and let them go. It's nice.

I just thought that I also look forward to the day when I don't have to think about food so much. If I can get in shape and keep exercising then what I eat won't be so critical. Not that I'll go back to junk food all the time, but I can have a treat now and then and not worry about it going straight to my hips. But for now I need to be conscious of what I'm eating and what I want to eat. I have times, frequently, that I want to eat out of sheer boredom or because I'm anxious. That's not the time to eat. I don't want to condone that habit. Things really need to change for me to be a success at losing weight.

I can't wait for the day that I just blend into the crowd because I'm not fat any more. That will be a happy day. But for now I'm feeling happier than I was just a couple of weeks ago. That's progress too. I wasn't having very many happy moments before. Now even though I'm still battling the depression and food addiction, I can find happy moments and be glad for them. Life is good today.

Nature walk

I started out my day with some Boost and my meds. That was easier and quicker than making a protein shake before I left. I just wanted to give my body something for energy before I went to walk. I didn't get up until 6:40 and I wanted to get out the door. I planned on making a protein shake when I got home.


It was a great morning for a walk. It was overcast, just enough to keep the sun from beating down on me. I started at the Grandview Overlook but there weren't any trails, they were back down the road. Since I wasn't familiar enough with them I decided to go back up to Mesa Trail. Gorgeous up there today, as usual.

I stopped to take a lot of pictures of wildflowers today, so that made my walk time longer. I'd say I walked at least an hour which probably translates into about 2+ miles.

The left side of my lower back and my left hip gave me some trouble today but I was able to get through it and keep walking. I wanted to stop even before I started today. I almost turned around at the little loop when I got there. But I kept on going. It was good to get up there an hour earlier. Lots of people on the trail with their dogs.

I felt safe with so many people and dogs up there. The dogs get to be off leash. Only one of them growled at me today but it ended up being super friendly. I think I just caught it off guard. I somehow walked on a different part of the trail than I did yesterday and the wildflowers were everywhere. They were all different colors too. My little phone camera didn't do a great job of capturing their beauty and color. Tomorrow I may bring my digital camera.

I walked a little bit slower today and stopped more than I did yesterday. I still got a good workout in. I even went up the big hill to the Mesa overlook. It was amazing. It overlooked the city as well as Garden of the Gods and Pikes Peak. Simply amazing.


It was quite the incline but I was able to do it. Well worth the effort to get a view like this. I was hoping there was a clearly marked trail that would loop around from the top, but I couldn't find one. I ended up backtracking and going down the hill. The whole walk was pretty amazing. Even though it was more difficult because of the back and hip pain, I still enjoyed the walk. That's my shadow in the next picture.



I was surprised when I looked at my phone and it was almost 8:30am. I didn't realize I'd been out there that long. I felt like I had really accomplished something. Chewing a piece of gum while I walk sure does make a difference. I only had to sip on my water once or twice. I drank a lot more when I got back to the car.

When I got home I made my protein smoothie. I put in skim milk, protein powder, a splash of orange juice, some raspberries and banana. I mixed it all up in the blender. Wow! Was it delicious. My meds started kicking in and I started to feel sleepy so I went in for a nap. I slept for over an hour. I had a snack after I woke up - cashews. They were yummy and hit the spot.

Now I have to go take my shower. I see Marianne this afternoon at 3pm. Even though I only saw her a couple of days ago, it seems like it's been longer since I've done so much inbetween times. I'm excited to talk to her about my walking and eating and how they have improved. I'm not going to walk to the mailbox today since I walked so long this morning. I can definitely feel some soreness in my hips. That's a good thing though because I definitely have weight to lose there.

Time to hit the shower.

Dinner sucks!

Dinner is done. It wasn't very healthy - hot dogs on a plain bagel. I have to do better for dinner. I just don't like cooking very much and now that meat doesn't appeal to me it's hard to figure out what I want to eat. I had a few raw baby carrots to get something healthy in there. Oh woe is me. I've got to get this figured out. Maybe I could do a second protein smoothie for dinner. That would be the easy thing to do. I could make David a dinner and have a smoothie for myself. I wish I didn't have to think about food. It frustrates me. Honestly, I wish I didn't have to worry about making dinner for David right now. I just don't like eating something that is heavy on my stomach this late in the day. I'm going to have to give this some thought.

I'm looking forward to my walk in the morning. I'm going to get out there earlier than I did today so it won't be quite so hot. I'm going to walk the Grandview trail (the easy one). I'm sure the views will be spectacular.

Walk to the mailbox

It doesn't take very long to go to the mailboxes. My lower back was hurting a little bit but I'd expect that now that I'm not taking the anti-inflammatory. It is just too beautiful out there today. The sky is amazing. It's nice because I can feel my muscles working when I walk over to the mailboxes but I'm not huffing and puffing afterward. I am making progress.

Lunch

I was so tired that I fell asleep for about an hour. I feel better now. I'm a little bit sore but nothing I can't handle. I had a high protein Boost for lunch. I may walk over to the mailbox to pick up the mail. It's beautiful outside, up in the 70's. Another short walk would help to stretch all the sore muscles. Okay, off I go.