First week of Faithfully Fit

Okay, so I've started the FF class. I've copied the scriptures and food for thought for each day. It's amazing to see how little I have trusted in God on this journey. I realize while I've been on my walks that God's creation is awesome and I really appreciate it up on the Mesa but I haven't turned over this journey to the Lord. I haven't given myself over to the Lord. I've been trying to do this in my power and I'm sure that's why I haven't walked since we got Harley. I've been having such a hard time getting into a routine but I can't let that be an excuse. I need to ask God for help getting back into a routine. I can't do it on my own. Harley takes up so much of my day, in a good way, that I forget to take care of myself. I haven't even been eating most days because I get so involved with Harley.

I miss my walks and I need to get back to walking again. I miss Palmer Park too. It's so beautiful up there. I struggle with whether I should take Harley up there with me because there are so many dogs off leash. I wouldn't want him to get traumatized by another dog. That would make things difficult. So, I just don't walk because I don't want to leave him home alone every morning. He needs to get used to that though until I feel safe bringing him up on the Mesa.

My eating has been atrocious this week. Actually it's been bad for about 2 months now (since David took vacation in July). I was doing so much better when I was walking and eating healthier. During vacation we ate out all the time and we've kept doing that for the last 2 months! It's got to stop. I think I've shopped for groceries maybe once in the last 2 months. That tells you how things have been. I almost don't miss good food anymore and that's not a good thing at all. If I can just get myself out there and walk then I know that I'll eat better. They always go hand in hand.

I have been keeping busy and moving a lot with Harley. I'm not just sitting in my chair and staring. I don't have time to do that. I try to get out there and walk Harley as often as I can but I'm not doing that enough either. I've got to walk him at least 2 times a day. If I could take him on my walk in the morning and to the mailbox in the afternoon he'd probably do a whole lot better (although he is quite perfect now ;) ). But it's not the 40 minutes that I'm used to walking each day.

I'm going to cut myself some slack here though because I am doing the best I can considering all the changes that have happened in the last few weeks. I'm a bit nervous about the weekend because we usually eat out a lot and I just don't want to do that. I need to go to the grocery store and get things that I know that I will eat. Most food just doesn't appeal to me anymore. Fast food appeals to me because it's so bland and nondescript. And it's already cooked. I don't have to deal with raw foods and preparing foods. It's not that I'm lazy, I get sick just thinking of raw foods. Yuck!

Okay, that's it for tonight. I'm going to try to at least blog every day about how I'm doing and what I'm thinking. It's a good way for me to stay accountable. And I'll ask God to help me with this whole journey.

Getting back on track

I start the Faithfully Fit class on Monday. It will be interesting to see how it effects my hiking, which I haven't done for 2 weeks now because of back pain caused by bending over for Harley. I need to get back on track and FF is the answer. I need to be accountable again. It's a six week course so that will give me a firm foundation again. I have been getting out to walk Harley around the cul de sac or to the mailbox. Walking doesn't seem to bother my back. It hurts when I'm lying down or getting up or down. I can feel the pain in my back when I sit but it's not overwhelming. I know that walking would make it feel better and help it to get stronger. I'd like to try to go walking later this morning but I'm not sure I'll get out there because I'm up now. I wasn't going to weigh myself until I saw Dr. Fouss but I'll probably have to weigh in for the FF class. I'll have to drag the scale out from underneath the bed.

I'm excited to start the FF class. I can use the motivation and support through the forum. Being accountable is important to me. This class will keep me accountable. There are already forms out there to be filled out. I'll probably work on them sometime today. I don't have the book yet so I won't be able to do all of the assignments. I can be patient though.

I've been so busy with Harley that I haven't been taking care of myself as far as the hiking goes. I want to get out there and walk again.

Hurt my back

I hurt my back yesterday and wasn't able to walk this morning. I think I'm just going to not worry about walking until next week. Gabe is here so I want to spend as much time with him as I can and I'm still getting Harley into a routine. Once I'm back to a routine he'll fit nicely into it. The vet said that I shouldn't walk him until he's done with all his puppy shots which won't be until mid October but I can walk him around the cul de sac to get him used to leash training. Anyway, my back is killing me. I am having trouble getting up and getting down. I'm not sure how it will feel walking so I'm just going to give it all a rest until I get back into the routine next week.

My eating hasn't been the best because I haven't really been hungry and I'm still not liking food too much. Cereal is my friend.

Good news!

I haven't walked for a few days but it's not because of my knee. It's because we got a puppy, a nine week old puppy. He's a Retriever named Harley. We've only had him for a few days so we're still getting everything worked out. I think that I should be able to start walking again tomorrow though because Gabe is coming out and David has the next five days off. He'll be able to watch Harley Wednesday and Friday morning while I walk. Thursday they might be gone early to play golf so I may take that day off or go later after they get home (weather conditions permitting). We've been having some incredible hail storms. I hope to never get caught in one of those.


It's interesting but I'm not feeling bad about not walking. Don't get me wrong, I want to get out there and walk, but I'm not getting on myself about not getting out there. It's kind of stressful adapting to having a puppy in the house and I'm going to give myself a break here. I know I'll get out there, not only because I want to, but I'm looking forward to when I can bring Harley with me up to Palmer Park. It will be a great place to socialize him. Although, he's pretty social already.

I feel better when I'm walking. My knee's not hurting very much anymore. I think that getting out there and walking really helped. It's still a bit sore but not nearly as bad as it was just last week. My crown is still broke but it's not bothering me either. I have a dentist appointment next Tuesday and I'll have them take care of it then (or at least schedule it to be taken care of). The only thing that I can complain about it being tired, but I think that's my meds. I'm sleeping better through the night now that Harley is here. I still take my morning nap after meds but I don't sleep all day now. I feel like I have a purpose with Harley being here and part of that is to get out there and walk. So, I'm going to do my best to get out there and walk tomorrow and Friday for sure and maybe even Thursday.

Some good news: I'm able to wear the size 44 jeans now instead of the 46 (they are mens jeans). That's progress. I feel like I'm doing okay. I'm still eating too much junk but I'll get that under control slowly but surely. Still haven't had a soda. I was almost tempted yesterday because I was so stressed after my first day with Harley, but I thought better of it and decided to just have water and lemonade from home. I'm glad that I didn't give in to the temptor (Coke a Cola lol).

So I'm being kind to myself and also doing my best to be healthier. I'm happy with that.

The knee bone is connected to the broken crown

I don't know if I'll get a walk in tomorrow morning. A crown I had put in 3 months ago broke last night and there is a sharp edge that's hurting my tongue. It's making me feel miserable. Anyway, the dentist opens at 8am tomorrow so I'll need to be there then. I've got to get this taken care of ASAP. Also, my knee is killing me tonight. It actually felt better while I was walking than it has the whole rest of the day. It's frustrating. I want to get out there and walk. I'm not going to make any changes in my weight if I can't exercise. And because I'm feeling so discouraged tonight I ate some junk food. I've already taken my night meds along with a pain killer and hope to have some relief soon. I'll probably go to bed soon so I can get my knee feeling comfortable.

I will be doing a lot of walking around tomorrow at the doggie adoption fairs so that will be good but I still want to get in my walk up at Palmer Park. I'll have to just see how things go tomorrow. I bet if I could take an anti-inflammatory I wouldn't even have this problem. It's frustrating that I can't take one anymore because of the GFR issue. But I guess I'd rather have pain than lose kidney function.

I actually haven't had much to eat today anyhow because of this crown hurting my tongue. Just swallowing hurts. Even drinking hurts. But what I did eat wasn't very healthy. Glad I couldn't eat much of it.

My meds are kicking in so I'm going to quit blogging for now.

I DID IT

I did it! I went for a walk this morning and I did my usual loop (about 40 minutes). My knee hurt a bit but I was able to keep up my normal pace. Woohoo! My low back also hurt some but it's already feeling better. It felt so good to get out there and walk.

I was thinking last night that I've made a rule for myself that I need to go walk as soon as I get up and that if I don't get up early enough I can't go for a walk. That's silly. It doesn't matter what time I get up. I can go walking anytime during the day. And it doesn't have to be when I first get up although I do prefer to walk then and get it done with and have an accomplishment chalked up early in the morning. So I'm going to banish that old rule and the new rule is that there is no rule. ;)

Tomorrows stumbling block to get over is David being home. I don't know why that should have such an impact but it does. I usually feel uncomfortable when I leave the house while he's home. That's something I need to continue working on in therapy. I know there's nothing wrong with me going for a walk and leaving David home but I don't feel like it's okay. He could always choose to come with me but I don't really see that happening most of the time. So I need to get comfortable with getting out there on my own even if David is home.

I'm still struggling over the dog issue. Is it the right thing to do or not? I know I don't have to get a dog. There's no pressure there. I want my next dog to be the right dog for David and for me. I can't let this stress get to me and allow me to overeat or eat junk food. I'm definitely going to watch what I eat today.

Stinkin' knee pain

My leg was hurting again today when I got up. The cramping in the hamstring was terrible. So, I didn't walk again today. It feels a whole lot better now though. I can only hope that it will feel okay in the morning and I'll be able to get out there and walk. It stinks not being able to walk for exercise. I feel like I ate too much today because we went out for dinner tonight. It's David's birthday so we went out to celebrate. I only ate half of my meal but I did drink a lot of tea. That's probably why I feel so full.

I got up at 9:30am this morning and I haven't taken a nap at all. That's huge for me. I'd like to have a similar type day tomorrow. I know Saturday I'll be up and excited since the adoption fairs will be happening. And since I'll be up early I'll try to get out there and walk at Palmer Park.

I did a lot of good work with Marianne today. The more I can learn about myself the less messed up I will feel. And the better I feel the less I'll compulsively eat. I know I need to eat more than I am but it needs to be veggies and fruits and whole grains. I'm still not eating the right stuff. My big accomplishment is not having had soda for quite a while now. I don't even crave it anymore. And even though I haven't walked for a week I know I've walked more than not over the last two months. I'm miles ahead of where I was in the beginning of June.

Well it's getting late so I better get to bed. I know I'll be up during the night so I need to get a few hours in before I'm up again. I can't even remember the last time I slept through the night. It's literally been years. Oh well, I make up for it during the day. lol

The knee bones connected to the hamstring...

I still haven't been out walking. Not only is my knee hurting back now my hamstring area is hurting too. I'm thinking that it's getting worse because I'm not walking. So, tomorrow I'll get out there and walk and see what happens. My eating has been atrocious the last week. I definitely need to do something about that. Still haven't had a soda though. I think I've been eating poorly because I am stressed and sad. I am sad about giving up my dogs. I miss all of them. I really regret giving them up. I talked to David and told him I'd like to think about getting another dog, a therapy dog. I'm still not quite sure how I feel about getting another dog so I'm holding off on making any decisions. I know I'm lonely being home all day by myself and I feel like I have no reason to even get up each day. I don't know if those are good reasons to get a dog though. Mostly I just want one. So I'm stressed thinking about this again and I'm eating constantly (or what seems to be constantly) and I'm mostly eating junk. Not a good place to be.

Today I slept the whole day away. I didn't get up finally until 1:30pm. I would wake up every few hours and get something to eat but then I'd just go back to bed again. I feel like I have no purpose so what's the point in being up. Once I did get up I did some stuff around the house. That made me feel better. I wish I could feel better though even when I'm not doing something.

I thought about walking this afternoon but changed my mind when I saw the temperature - 90 degrees! Way too hot for me to go walking. I can just be patient and go up to Palmer Park in the morning. I like it up there that time of day. I wish I could get myself to go walking in the evenings, just when the sun is going down and it's cooling off but it's hard for me to get out there that time of day. So, early in the morning is going to have to be my walk time until it starts cooling down during the day.

I don't look forward to winter coming. I worry so much about driving in bad weather. The road up to Palmer Park is steep and curvy so I'd be afraid to drive up there in bad weather. I could just walk around the neighborhood on those days when the roads aren't so good.

One good thing that sleeping all day did for me is that my leg doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did last night. I really think it's hurting because I'm NOT walking. Going for a walk would stretch it out and probably make it feel better so I'll make an attempt tomorrow morning. I miss walking and want to get back to it.

Doing the right thing

I didn't walk again on Sunday because of my right knee. I can tell that staying off of it is helping. Also, Lisa suggested that I ice it and that helped too. I think I'll take one more day off and then try to do my usual walk. I can always cut it short if my knee hurts too much. My eating wasn't too bad on Sunday. I seemed to have more control that most days. I wanted junk, I just chose not to get it. I need to start eating healthier meals though. I'm running on empty with just eating cereal and PB&J sandwiches. I need to get fruits and veggies back in the diet. The problem is that they just don't appeal to me right now. I'm going to have to make myself eat healthy foods whether they appeal to me or not. If I make fruits and veggies available to myself by having them at the house, there is a better chance I would chose them over carb loaded foods.

I feel like I've actually gained weight. I know I'm not going to lose any weight until I change my eating habits. I've also been drinking too much sugar laden drinks (lemonade, oj, fruit punch, raspberry tea, etc.). My walking isn't making a difference except to help me maintain the weight I'm at and that's not the point. The point is to lose weight. I see Dr. Fouss in 4 or 5 weeks and I really wanted to have lost some weight. It's great that I'm walking and not drinking sodas but now I need to work on the eating. I have stuff for protein shakes so I need to use it. I need to turn things around mentally too. I'm really depressed and that keeps me from wanting to do anything. I feel like I just don't know how to get into a routine, which would help me tremendously.

I'm not sure why I feel like the wheels are falling off on this journey I'm on but I do feel that way. I've got to spend some time thinking about how I can get on track and stay on track. It seems like something is always getting in the way. I don't know how to allow myself to make my life a priority. I struggle with needed to take care of other people first and getting to me when I can. I think that's just a cop out though. Is it that I don't really want to do any of this? Sometimes I think the answer to that question is 'yes'. I feel like it's pointless to try at my age. I don't know why I feel like that though. Lots of people my age get in shape. I can do it too if I just put my mind to it. Who am I kidding? It's not that simple. I have to fight through this depression all the time - the loss of interest, the concentration problems, the sadness. It's too much on most days. I can decide that I'm going to have a good day and then I just don't. I need to get to a point where it doesn't matter how I'm feeling, that I get out there and walk and I eat right.

I need to be patient with myself. I am making changes. I need to give myself some credit for that. It didn't happen overnight that I got to weigh 276 pounds and it's not going to happen overnight that I lose 116 pounds either. I just know that I want to weigh less on my 50th birthday than I do on my 49th. Significantly less.

I'm up in the middle of the night again and really should get back to bed. I have an appointment with Marianne later today so I better get my sleep.

Still in pain

My knee has been hurting all day. I took a pain killer but it hasn't helped much at all. It feels inflamed but I can't take anything for it. I'll have to research what I can do for inflammation besides takes meds. I missed walking today. I hope it feels better by tomorrow.

My eating hasn't been great today but not bad either. We went out to lunch with David's brother, Ronnie, and I had a half a burger and some fries with water to drink. In the afternoon I had a butterscotch shake. It's 7:15pm and I haven't had anything for dinner yet. I'm not really hungry because of all I've had to eat today. Lisa posted a couple of pictures on facebook of their trip to Chicago and there was this great looking hot dog. Made me want a real hot dog. At least I got to see the picture. I won't even mention the picture of the pastry shop they stopped at (yummy!).

Must. Not. Think. About. Pastries.

lol

Pain

I didn't walk this morning because my knee HURTS! It hurts just walking around the house. It feels like it could be the miniscus or MCL. If it hurts through the weekend I'll have to go see Dr. Jenkins. I don't want it to get any worse because it sure is painful. I'm going to keep an eye on it and if the pain goes away I may try going for a short walk later today. But the way it's feeling right now, I don't think that's going to happen. David's brother is here visiting and he is going to take us out to lunch. I'm going to go easy on the leg today.

Continuation

It's 3:30am and I'm up. My knee doesn't hurt quite as much now that's I've rested it for a few hours. That's hopeful. I sure don't want a knee problem to get in the way of my walking.

I can't remember what I was going to blog about regarding the Cripple Creek trip. Guess I'll have to go back and look at the entry and remind myself.

**

So, as I was saying in the other post, I was doing my best to let me be my reference point. When I did that the conversation got a lot more interesting. I realized that I do have ideas and opinions of my own. ;)

I got home at about 5:30pm and David was in bed taking a nap. As soon as I hit the house the stress came back which meant that the eating came back too. I had a hot dog for dinner and an ice cream for dessert. Around 8:30pm David asked if I wanted to go for a drive. We went to the CU and then to Sonic where I had another ice cream. I didn't feel too good after eating it. I should have said 'no' when David asked me to go there. Why do I have such a hard time saying 'no' to him? I think that part of the reason why I give in is because he's trying to do something to make me happy (he thinks) and I don't want to take that joy away from him. Realistically though I know that he just wants an ice cream and it's more comfortable for him if I participate in the 'activity' by getting an icr cream too. Not healthy behavior.

So I'm thinking that my walking is necessary just to keep me from gaining more weight. Losing the weight isn't going to happen if I keep eating the junk food. I've got to make a commitment to eating healthy foods and saying 'no' to junk food. I don't know how much I weigh but I know it's a lot. I'm afraid that I may have gained weight by eating all the junk food lately. But at least I am walking and I have cut out soda. Those are two very important pieces of this puzzle.

I am making progress. I need to remind myself of that. It may be baby steps but at least I'm heading in the right direction. Overall I feel pretty good about yesterday because I got myself out of the house and didn't eat snacks all day long like I did the day before. Thankfully there is only one package of snacks left (yes, I ate most of the other stuff that my sister sent). If she offers again to send a 'care package' I need to tell her not to send snacks. I was doing the same thing with her that I do with David - I was saying 'yes' so I wouldn't hurt her feelings or disappoint her. But it did hurt me and I need to stop doing that to myself.

I should go back to bed. We have company coming in the morning and I need to get up early to get a walk in. Hopefully my knee will hold out.