Doing the right thing

I didn't walk again on Sunday because of my right knee. I can tell that staying off of it is helping. Also, Lisa suggested that I ice it and that helped too. I think I'll take one more day off and then try to do my usual walk. I can always cut it short if my knee hurts too much. My eating wasn't too bad on Sunday. I seemed to have more control that most days. I wanted junk, I just chose not to get it. I need to start eating healthier meals though. I'm running on empty with just eating cereal and PB&J sandwiches. I need to get fruits and veggies back in the diet. The problem is that they just don't appeal to me right now. I'm going to have to make myself eat healthy foods whether they appeal to me or not. If I make fruits and veggies available to myself by having them at the house, there is a better chance I would chose them over carb loaded foods.

I feel like I've actually gained weight. I know I'm not going to lose any weight until I change my eating habits. I've also been drinking too much sugar laden drinks (lemonade, oj, fruit punch, raspberry tea, etc.). My walking isn't making a difference except to help me maintain the weight I'm at and that's not the point. The point is to lose weight. I see Dr. Fouss in 4 or 5 weeks and I really wanted to have lost some weight. It's great that I'm walking and not drinking sodas but now I need to work on the eating. I have stuff for protein shakes so I need to use it. I need to turn things around mentally too. I'm really depressed and that keeps me from wanting to do anything. I feel like I just don't know how to get into a routine, which would help me tremendously.

I'm not sure why I feel like the wheels are falling off on this journey I'm on but I do feel that way. I've got to spend some time thinking about how I can get on track and stay on track. It seems like something is always getting in the way. I don't know how to allow myself to make my life a priority. I struggle with needed to take care of other people first and getting to me when I can. I think that's just a cop out though. Is it that I don't really want to do any of this? Sometimes I think the answer to that question is 'yes'. I feel like it's pointless to try at my age. I don't know why I feel like that though. Lots of people my age get in shape. I can do it too if I just put my mind to it. Who am I kidding? It's not that simple. I have to fight through this depression all the time - the loss of interest, the concentration problems, the sadness. It's too much on most days. I can decide that I'm going to have a good day and then I just don't. I need to get to a point where it doesn't matter how I'm feeling, that I get out there and walk and I eat right.

I need to be patient with myself. I am making changes. I need to give myself some credit for that. It didn't happen overnight that I got to weigh 276 pounds and it's not going to happen overnight that I lose 116 pounds either. I just know that I want to weigh less on my 50th birthday than I do on my 49th. Significantly less.

I'm up in the middle of the night again and really should get back to bed. I have an appointment with Marianne later today so I better get my sleep.