What have I been doing for the last month?

David ended up going into the hospital for 4 days at the end of April. He had to have an unplanned gallbladder surgery. I haven't walked since he went in the hospital. Kitty got sick too and that also kept me from walking. Well, not really. I could have got out there on my own and walked but I didn't. I weighed myself yesterday and I now weigh 278 pounds! Good lord, what is wrong with me? I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be as big as I am yet I continue to eat junk food, fast food and drink soda. I looked back at my last entry and saw that I had a good plan for the week but I just didn't stick to it. I have an appointment with Marianne tomorrow and I'm going to talk to her about this. I really need an accountability partner for eating and spending. David is having his own issues with eating and spending so he can't be an accountability partner for me. I'm hoping that I can partner with Marianne and have her as my accountability person. The spending and eating is a really big issue for me that I have been mostly avoiding. It really is time to get help with this.

I don't think that 278 is the most I've ever weighed but I sure don't want to get any fatter than I already am. I'm embarrassed by how big I am. It's taking all the energy out of me and causing me a great deal of physical and emotional pain. I've been spending most of my time sleeping because I'm so tired and hurt so much. I'm scheduled to go walking with Kitty on Thursday. I really would like to get out there 6 of 7 days again. I really need to lose weight and use my muscles. I think another reason I hurt so much is that my diet is so poor. I've been living on fast food and junk food for months now. I rarely eat anything healthy. I desperately need help with this. Saturday I stayed in bed until 5:30pm; Sunday I stayed in bed until 1:30pm and today I stayed in bed until 2pm. I'm wasting my life. I dropped all my summer classes because I can't go to school feeling like this. My arms and hands hurt. My back, knees and hips ache. I'm a mess. I had lab work done last week and everything came back normal. I know the pain is real. I know there is something wrong with how I'm living. I am paying a huge price for being lazy.

Maybe I need to see Marianne more than 2x/week right now. I just feel so out of control. I don't even want to look back over the last 5 months to see how much we've spent on restaurants and junk food. I have a separate category just for junk food. I thought it would help me to stop spending on candy and soda but it hasn't.

Well, I just looked at YNAB and we have spent $1,300 on eating out and junk food in just 5 months. That's an average of $260 a month!! Holy cow! This is insane. I really do need help with this. I have to learn to say no to David and to myself. We're killing ourselves financially and physically. This madness has to stop. I am so ashamed that I've let it get to this. We've also spent $1,300 on groceries in 5 months. That's $2,600 on food and junk! That's outrageous! And I end up wasting a lot of food too because I'm not eating healthy stuff. I let things go to waste. Junk food and prepared and packaged foods cost more also. Ugh!

I get so overwhelmed when I think of eating right. The thought of having to prepare meals makes me anxious. Literally. I just need to get out there and walk and eat better. There is no magic pill, machine or book that will do that for me. It's very simple - eat right and exercise - but I can't seem to do it. I feel like I deserve to eat junk. It's my reward, my way of medicating myself. I really need to talk to Marianne about this tomorrow. My sister will be here in August and I don't want to be this fat when she gets here. I want to be able to get out there and do stuff and not have to sit around because I'm too fat and out of shape to do anything. I really want to enjoy my time with her. And all of this isn't helping David's Type 2 Diabetes any either. We're both going to die a lot earlier than we want because we just won't take care of ourselves.

As for the plan, can I really commit to:

1. staying away from junk food, fast food and soda?
2. working with Marianne?
3. walking at least 3x/week?
4. eating 5 small meals a day?
5. keeping a food journal?
6. staying out of the convenience stores?
7. planning meals, making a grocery list and sticking to them?
8. adding in healthy foods to my diet (fruits, veggies, healthy proteins)?

Am I asking too much to start? Should I just concentrate on working with Marianne to begin with and then go from there? I know I can't just do all this starting tomorrow. What is reasonable to expect of myself? I know I can work with Marianne starting tomorrow and I can keep a food journal too. I need to take this one day at a time. I always expect too much of myself. My expectations are always so high that I can't reach them so I just give up. I don't want to do that this time.

I named this blog "Slowly Losing Myself" for a reason. I want to lose the weight slowly so that it stays off and I want to slowly lose the lazy and fat me. It's not going to happen overnight, I realize that. There has to be a starting point though, a day when I draw a line in the sand and so 'no more foolishness'. Maybe, with Marianne's help, I can draw that line in the sand tomorrow. Maybe I need to look at it like the Baby Steps in TMMO (financial plan) - small steps instead of giant leaps. I need to work my financial plan and my eating plan concurrently. One will always help the other. If I curb spending I won't be wasting money on junk food and if I stop with the junk food then I won't be spending as much. We've been debt free for years but haven't been able to save and keep money in the credit union. We are 'instant gratification' people. When we want something we don't wait until it's the right time to get it, we just get it right then. Doing that has not served us well. We need to practice discipline, patience and grow the hell up! We eat and spend like children - have to have it now - instead of adults.

So the answer to my question - what have I been doing for the last month - is that I've been eating, spending and drifting through my life without any purpose. I am signed up for one class in the fall (Cultural Anthropology). I'm going to take the class at school, not online. I know I can do one class. Four classes would just be too much to start. But I don't want to be the fat girl in class who doesn't fit in her seat. I really do worry about that. I worry about it with everything. Even things like going to the Rockies game in August - will I fit in the seat? It's horrible to have to worry about stuff like that but I've done it to myself. It's no ones fault but my own. Yeah, my mom taught me bad lessons when it comes to food but she's been gone for 10 years now and I'm 50 years old. It's time to live MY life, not the life she wanted me to live.

I wonder if it would help to email Marianne each day about what I'm eating that's not healthy and what I'm spending outside the budget? I really need to have someone I can be honest with about both activities. It's so easy to spend and eat. I certainly don't do either without guilt though. I know every time I bite into a candy bar or drink a Cherry Coke that I'm not helping myself. It's not about right or wrong. It's more about what's good for me and what's bad for me. Obviously weighing in at 278 pounds is bad for me. Spending money on things I don't need (especially the eating out and junk food) is bad for me. Neither thing helps me to be happy. I get an initial feeling of satisfaction when I eat and spend but the feeling doesn't last very long anymore. Mostly I feel like a failure and I feel ashamed. I don't want to feel that way anymore. Things have to change!

So, I need to talk to Marianne tomorrow and see what she thinks would be a good plan of attack. If I could email her each day about my eating, spending, walking, staying out of convenience stores and planning meals, I think it would help. I really have to be honest though. Mostly I have to be honest with myself. I have to admit how difficult it is to stay away from spending and eating without giving in to the urges. I often get to the point, when I'm trying to cut back, of getting so over emotional about not getting what I want. There have been many times when I felt to bad emotionally and mentally that I've wanted to cry. Instead of crying though, I give in and eat or spend. I have to find other things to do when the times get rough (call Marianne, journal, do some art work, read, study, clean out closets, etc.). What I can't do is allow myself to sleep my life away to avoid things.

Last Thursday Marianne and I talked about my dad and the abuse and dysfunction when I was growing up. I know that plays into this even though I'm not quite sure how. I think I don't like to think about it so I eat and spend. They are my avoidance activities. But I've been avoiding for 50 years now. It needs to stop. I need to face these things head on, slowly, thoughtfully but finally deal with them. I've avoided my life for 50 years. I want to start living intentionally now. I don't know how much longer I have to live but I'd like the rest of my life to be purposeful and intentional. I'd like to feel content and unashamed.

So, what is the weight covering up? Why do I feel like I need all of this fat for protection? What am I protecting myself from? Why can't I see that I'm not loving myself or taking care of myself by over indulging? Why does rewarding myself mean spending and eating? I guess I know part of the answer to that is how my mom brought us up. Eating and spending were indeed rewards for all the difficult times we had growing up. We were very poor, living on welfare and social security, so when money came in we spent it all on food and other things. It was our reward for going through the bad times. Yet if we had put the money away then there wouldn't have been so many bad times. I'm still living that "King for a day, Pauper for a lifetime" mentality. Except for me it's "King for a few seconds and an Pauper for years on end" instead. My high moments don't even last a day. It makes me sad to realize that.

All I can do at this point is ask Marianne how much she is willing to help me and be there for me and how honest I can commit to being to myself and to her. I'm scared. I'm not going to lie. This frightens the hell out of me. I've depended on spending and eating for so long that I honestly don't know what else to do. I need to put things in place to replace the eating and spending before I can work on eliminating those things. I know that if I eat healthier and plan out 5 small meals/snacks a day that I'll be eating much more than I'm eating now. That should bring me some solace but instead it brings me anxiety. I have times recently where I saved instead of spending so I know I can do it. There are so many things I'd like to cut out of the budget but it's not going to happen (cable, cell phone, internet, lawn guy, house cleaner, to name a few). I could cut back though and try to get some of these costs decreased. The big snafu is having to pay all of David's medical bills. They are streaming in and have to be paid. I also need to save money for David's trip to Wisconsin in July and my sister's vacation out here in August. How can I do all of that? David has got to work some overtime but I don't know that much more OT will be coming. We blew all the OT money he's made this year on the tv and golf league/stuff. I guess I shouldn't say we've blown it. David deserves to get a TV and join the gold league because he has been working so hard. But we should have worked on our emergency fund first. We could have made due with the TV we had and David could have gone one more year without joining the golf league but we live in that world of scarcity that tells us to take advantage now because the opportunity may never come back round again. It's a poor way to live.

I guess I should go back to bed since it's after midnight but I have so much going through my head that I don't know that I can sleep. There are things that I need to do tomorrow and I need to make a list on the iTouch so I won't forget anything. Okay, I just entered it all in the iTouch so at least that won't be keeping me up tonight. Mostly what's keeping me up is wanting to talk to Marianne. I need help so desperately. I'm tired of being fat. I don't want to always have to think about whether I will fit in a chair or not. I even worry about breaking flimsy furniture with my weight. I don't want to have to worry about sitting down for the rest of my life.

There's not much junk food in the house right now. If I can stay out of the convenience stores I'll make a lot of progress. Staying out of the fast food joints will help too. I know I can do this. I just need some help and I'm going to ask for it tomorrow. I'll also need to sit down with David and tell him no more junk food, eating out or spending outside the budget. And since we have to money to allot to anything except the four walls and saving, that should take care of most spending problems.

I'm going to stoop blogging now or I'll go on all night.

Baby steps

It's almost 2am and I've been up for a while. What's new. I have heartburn again tonight from overeating yesterday. I really need to make a commitment to staying away from junk food, fast food and soda. I'm sure it's the soda that's causing the heartburn. Today is Monday, a good day to start something new. So, I'm going to stay away from junk food, fast food and soda for the next week. I'm also going to make a commitment to eating 3 healthy meals/day. That is going to involve some planning and effort but I have to do it. Walking isn't going to do me a lot of good if I keep eating and drinking all this junk. I can feel that I have gained more weight. I don't even want to weigh myself because I'm afraid I'm up to 280 pounds. I've really got to start fighting this. I will definitely have to enlist the help of Marianne to do this. She always helps  me to see things more clearly.

I need to figure out why I think it's okay to overeat even when I know it's not okay. Why am I giving in to overeating so much lately? There must be something that is causing me anxiety. My first thought is that it is school. I know I'm very nervous about  taking 4 classes to start off. I know I don't have to take 4 classes. I can just take 1 class if I want but I want to try to go to school full time. My goal is to get my AA degree as soon as I can. I may not go to school full time year round, but I feel like I want to start taking classes this summer. I know that I am afraid of failing. I'm afraid that I won't be able to juggle 4 classes. All I can do is try to do it. If it doesn't work then I'll back off. I have so much time available to do something besides sleep. I need to get into a better routine ASAP.

There's no time like the present to start changing things for the better. Starting today I'm going to keep a food journal so I can be accountable for what I am taking in food and drink wise. I can use my iTouch to keep track. It's small enough to always be with me so I can log things right away. I'm going to have to start making smarter choices. I need to just take this a week at a time. No big goals just some baby steps to get where I eventually want to be. I have to stay away from the convenience stores and only get what is on my shopping list when I do the weekly shopping. I have to add in fruits and veggies. Something besides mashed potatoes. Corn, peas, potatoes and bananas are all starchy foods that I need to stay away from. Of course, those are some of my favorite foods (besides all the junk).

So here's the plan for the week:

1. I will commit to staying away from fast food, junk food and soda
2. I will work with Marianne on the emotional and mental side of my overeating
3. I will start forming a daily routine that includes walking at least 3x/week and eating 5 small meals/day
4. I will keep a food journal on my iTouch
5. I will stay out of the convenience stores
6. I will make a grocery list on the iTouch and stick to it
7. I will add in fruits and vegetables to my diet as well as some healthy protein

I think that is a realistic start to changing things. I have to do this in baby steps or I will get overwhelmed and I don't want to fail before I even begin. I think that using the iTouch as much as I can will make this more fun and less boring. It will also keep my accountability up to the minute. I also need to figure out which medicine(s) is making me so sleepy all day. I'm not going to get much done if I'm sleeping all day long. I know I can do this. I see myself as a thin person. I am always shocked when I actually look at myself and see just how big I have become. There are so many things that I want to do in my life but I won't get most of them done if I'm overweight, having trouble breathing and in pain all the time from the weight. I don't want to just survive life, I want to live it to it's fullest.

I'm going to get my iTouch right now and start keeping track of the things I've listed above. I know that it will also help money wise since I won't be blowing money on junk food. It really does add up. We have to cut back on the restaurant trips too. We're going through money like crazy because of these bad eating habits. I want to save money. I don't want to always be living paycheck to paycheck. A commitment has got to be made to being smart and living smart.

The only thing that I worry about is having the power to say 'no' to myself. I always feel like I deserve to eat junk and overeat. It is how I reward myself. I have to find another way to reward myself. Maybe I can combine my goals and pay myself for following my plan. That way I'd be living a healthier lifestyle and saving money to do fun things. I'll try that and see how it goes. All I can do is try.

It won't be easy, especially at first but I know that in a month's time I could be on a whole new path. It takes about that long to get rid of a bad habit and introduce a good habit. Accountability is the thing with me. I have to stop living this secret life with food. I have to stop eating in secret. Everyone knows that I'm overeating just by looking at me. I guess I need to look at me too.

Self sabotage

It was drizzling, overcast and 40 degrees but we went walking anyway. It actually felt good to be out there. Because of the cold we were walking faster than usual and I could tell that I was getting winded easier. I was able to make the whole loop though. At some points I thought that I would keel over and not be able to finish but I didn't give in to those irrational thoughts.There were other people out there walking, running and biking so we weren't the only crazy ones braving the weather to get some exercise in for the day. Oh yeah, and it was foggy driving over to Palmer Park, sometimes as thick as pea soup. It was an accomplishment for me to not only get out and walk in weather but also to drive in foggy conditions. I was determined to do it though and I did.

Unfortunately I ate so much junk food yesterday that I negated the exercise that I got. I'm up in the middle of the night with extreme heartburn. I took a pill to help with that. I hope it kicks in soon. I'll be up until it does. My eating was out of control yesterday. Even though I felt full I would eat more. Maybe I needed to do this just one more time to remind myself how horrible it feels and to stop doing it. I have to lose weight. I won't be able to accomplish a lot of my goals on my 101 in 1001 list if I don't slim down. I need to be able to fit into a NASCAR racecar if I want to experience a ride along at 160mph. I need to be able to fit into airplane seats, helicopter seats and stadium seating if I want to experience all the things that I want to experience in the next 2.75 years. Traveling requires good health, stamina and a healthy physique. I won't be able to travel well if I'm this fat.

There are other reasons for losing weight. The most obvious one is health. I'll die earlier than I should if I keep up these bad habits. The life I live from now until the end would be miserable if I stay at my current weight. It's all about my eating habits and the junk food that I choose to shove down my gullet. You know you've eaten too much when you constantly feel like you need to throw up. That's where I was at yesterday and I'm still paying for it today. I already take medicine for GERD and I know better than to eat like I did yesterday but I threw all that to the side and kept eating. I guess it's back to working with Marianne on this problem. I can't drop it at all or I'll make myself sick.

I know that a part of this is about control. I "control" what food I eat and I allow myself to eat what I want to show myself that I'm in charge of me. But that's not what happens in the end. In the end the food is winning out and controlling me. "They" market the food to me and I eat it. I wish that I had a passion for salads, vegetables and fruits instead of in junk food and fast food. I think that I feel like so much of my life is doing what other people want me to do (even if I don't want to) and I can do what I want to do with food. I know it's all just mind games that have to stop. It's time to move on from being immature when it comes to taking care of myself. If I don't take care of myself then I'm just going to fall apart. There will be no one else to blame except me.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I eat more than I should? Why do I choose the worst foods to eat? What am I punishing myself for? Why can't I take care of myself and care about what I'm doing to my own body, spirit and mind? Lot's of good questions that I just don't have any answers for. Why does a reward for me mean pigging out and overeating? How is that helping me? What do I get out of stuffing myself to the gills with junk food? There are so many healthy alternatives that I just blow off. Maybe I should do one of those cleansing routines and get all the junk out of my system. Then I would feel so much better about eating well. I keep thinking that it's pointless to change my eating habits when I feel this sick. It doesn't make sense but it is the way I think about this.

Gosh, do I feel bad tonight. The heartburn is horrible. I can feel the burning all the way up my throat. Why am I so mean to myself? Why am I so thoughtless? What's the payoff for eating more than I should? I must be getting something out of it or I wouldn't do it. I think that sometimes it feels like it's the only thing I have some say in (what I eat). No ones going to tell me what I can and can't eat. Pictures of my mom popped up right away when I typed that. She wanted to control my eating and I rebelled in the only way I knew how - to eat in secret so she couldn't say anything. And I'm still doing that. It's obviously not a secret because I look like I weigh 270 pounds. It's not that I'm able to hide it all all.

Well, I'm getting tired and I need to go back to bed. It's 2:22am and I'm sure that I could benefit from some more sleep. I have 1 and half months until school starts. I need to make that time count. I need to use that time to get myself healthier so school won't be so difficult. I'm going to have a hectic schedule and I don't need to compound the stress I will feel by feeling sick all the time. I need to do what is best for me and to make what is best for me eating healthier. If nothing else I don't want to die being fat. I want to live being healthy. I know I can do it if I will just pay attention to why I'm doing what I'm doing. Nothing bad will happen to me if I refuse to eat junk food and fast food. Logically I know that but somewhere inside it makes more sense to indulge myself. Not a great plan.

Walking again with Kitty on Tuesday morning. I see Marianne on Monday. Maybe working with her will help me to understand why I do the things I do. I seem to have no self control when it comes to food. I know that's not true, but it appears to be that way. I need to start keeping a food log and looking at what I am eating every day. I think I will be shocked. Maybe just knowing that I'll have to write it down will be enough to make me stop and think about what I am eating.

There is no better time than now to start on this journey. My first goal will be to lose about 10 pounds so I'll be back down to 260. I'm not looking to make and land/speed records with this just to change bad habits to good as I go along. I have struggled with food all my life. I don't want to let it run my life anymore.

Moving in the right direction

I should be in bed right now getting some sleep because I'm going walking with Kitty at 10:30am. Instead I'm up blogging. I've been walking 3 times/week which is a big accomplishment for me. I'm grateful that Kitty asked me to walk with her. It's foggy and wet outside. I hope the weather is a bit more clear for our walk. It's only 39 degrees out too.I think it's supposed to warm up to 50 degrees though. It should be a lot warmer by 10:30am.

I'm still eating too much junk food. I'm going to have to work with Marianne on this issue. The junk food eating has to stop. I'm not getting any good nutrition into my body. I haven't been drinking much water either. I need to be in shape physically so I can get through school easier. I can't sleep as much as I am these days. I can't just sit in my chair doing nothing. At least not for hours on end. It's okay to have down time but my days lately are nothing but down time. So getting out there and walking, eating right, and having some sort of schedule will be a real good thing for me.

I think I need to add in at least one fresh fruit or vegetable each week. I also need to drink a lot more water than I am drinking. I think that my allergies are bad because I don't drink enough water to flush out the junk in my system. I need to start eating a salad with every meal too. That would be a great way to fill up on something healthy to eat.

Being committed to walking a dog could have been a great thing for me mentally and physically but I was too lazy to get out there every day. Now I'm starting off right, walking 3x/week, instead of walking every day. It would be too difficult to walk every day at this point. I'm sore enough as it is. I know I'll get more walking time in as I progress. It's good that I'm starting in the Spring too. I'll have through at least October to keep up the walking. I really want to lose weight. I want to be healthy and be able to enjoy all the things I want to do in my life. I can't ride in a NASCAR racecar if I weigh this much. I need to lose about 100 pounds before that can happen. But I'm not looking at it as 100 pounds. That would be overwhelming. I'm just looking at it 10 pounds at a time. That's a more reasonable goal to look at. At least I'm moving in the right direction these days.

Thursday walk

We went for our Thursday morning walk. It was beautiful out there today. Kitty brought Sammy along. He enjoyed meeting all the other dogs. It was pretty warm out there. I didn't have to wear long sleeves. When we finished our walk there was a lady at the parking area who was giving out bottles of water. She was a realtor trying to drum up business. I thought it was really nice of her to give out water. Especially considering how warm out it was. It felt like a long walk today. I'm not sure why that was. I was a little bit sore so maybe it was that. We'll be walking again on Saturday morning, weather permitting. It looks like it will be rainy and cold that day but we're hoping that the morning will be okay to walk. I invited Lisa to go with us. It would be nice if all 3 of us could get together to walk. That's about it for today. I'm tired tonight (even though I got a little nap in earlier) so I'm going to head to bed early.

Still walking!

Kitty and I did go for a walk on Sunday morning. I was sore but still was able to walk the loop without stopping. We walked again on Tuesday. I loosened up after the first half of the walk but then near the end my back cramped up a bit. It still was a pleasant walk though. I'm really enjoying going for walks 3 times a week. It's so good to get out there again. We'll be walking tomorrow and then Saturday (Kitty has something planned for Sunday). I'm glad we could switch days so we don't miss a day. The biggest struggle I have is not eating healthy. I'm so used to eating junk that the idea of eating healthy food just doesn't occur to me. I'm not sure how to change that yet. At least I'm walking though. I know that the nutritious diet will come in time. I'm not going to push it right now. One thing at a time.

Going for a walk again tomorrow

I'm going walking tomorrow morning with Kitty. I've been sore since we walked on Thursday. My feet and shins hurt the most. I think that walking tomorrow will help with the soreness. I weighed myself at the doctor's office on Friday. I weighed 271 (with clothes and shoes on). It's not as bad as I thought it would be but I've got to start moving the numbers in the opposite direction. Going for a walk a few times a week will definitely help with that. I'm looking forward to going up on the Mesa again tomorrow. It's so beautiful up there. It should be warm and sunny. Good walking weather.

I can't believe how tired I got after walking on Thursday. I really did almost fall asleep in the car in the garage. LOL If I get that tired tomorrow I can always come home and take a nap. I got my birthday cake, ice cream and flowers today. The cake is very tempting but I'm going to wait until Monday for it. It's a small one layer cake. It'll be just enough to enjoy it. I got small containers of vanilla and chocolate ice cream too. Today we went to Estela's for lunch (since they are not open on Monday). I had a few tortilla chips, one chicken enchilada and some french fries. I took more than half of my meal home for leftovers. I probably won't eat it until Tuesday though. I don't want to eat Mexican food the night before I go for a helicopter ride (if you know what I mean). I'll probably have breakfast tomorrow morning and that will be it for the day. I have a coupon for Perkins so we'll have breakfast there.

We'll go to breakfast early so I can be home by 10am so I can leave for walking. I really hope that walking helps a bit with the soreness. It always feels good to get out there and walk. I sure wish things would have worked out with Harley so he could have been my hiking buddy but it didn't so onward and upward.

Went for a walk today

This is what it looked like out on the trail today. It was a gorgeous day.

I did it. I went for a walk this morning with Kitty. We did my usual loop in about 40 minutes. I was so happy to be back up there again. I felt sad that I didn't have Harley with me but I did okay. I actually was very surprised that I could do 40 minutes of walking after not doing it for months on end. I could tell when I was finished that I was going to feel achy and I do. I was so tired when I got home after the walk that I almost fell asleep in the car. I did fall asleep in my chair though. My feet and lower legs ache the most. Thankfully my back isn't bothering me much at all. I hope that I don't feel achier tomorrow.

Kitty and I are going to walk again on Sunday morning at 10:30. I'm already looking forward to it. I thought about going again by myself tomorrow but I'm thinking that I should take it slow for the first few weeks. No need to push myself too much right now. I did eat junk food again today. I was feeling anxious and that's what I do when I feel that way. I need to come up with something else I can do that will help with the anxiety that doesn't involve junk food. I did eat a banana and some peas today. I got in one fruit and one vegetable. That's more than I've had in the last few months combined. How sad is that?

I made my reservation today for my helicopter ride. I'm taking Lisa with me. It's going to be fabulous. I just made the weight limit (280). We're going to do a sunrise flight over the Broadmoor, Garden of the Gods, Glen Eyrie and downtown. It will take about thirty minutes. I'm going to have them record the flight. If it's a VHS I'll ask Kitty to convert it to a DVD for me. They encourage you to bring a camera so I'll have mine at the ready. I'll probably send a pic to facebook while we are flying. It's going to be so cool.

In spite of the fact that I ate junk food today, I really do want to lose weight. I hate being this big. I feel so limited and restricted by my weight. The world will become a whole new place for me when I way about 160 pounds. But that means I have to lose about 100 pounds. That's a lot of weight to lose. I know it's not going to happen overnight. It will probably take the rest of this year and into 2011 to lose the whole amount but I'm willing to be patient and do what I need to do. Right now my goal is to lose 10 pounds. I'm going to break it up like that so I don't get overwhelmed by the magnitude of the weight I need to lose.

Back in January I had my yearly physical and all my lab work came back okay. It was a surprise to me that I wasn't in bad shape, lab wise. But that's no excuse to not try to lose weight. My labs might be good now but I'm sure it wouldn't take much for them to get out of the normal range if I keep up the habits I've gotten into. David has to go see Shellie tomorrow at 10:15am. I know his labs are not going to be good. I also know that he'll in some way blame that on me bringing junk into the house. I don't make him eat it though. That's his choice. Just like it's my choice and I haven't been making healthy choices lately. But that will change. I know he's afraid of what Shellie has to tell him. He also sees his heart doctor next week. The heart doctor is not going to be happy with David's weight gain. I'm not sure what will motivate him to lose weight. I'm going to motivate myself with goals I want to reach in the next 3 years. A lot of them won't be able to be met if I'm still 270 pounds. I really do want to be more fit after 50 than I was before 50.

So, I'm going to try to lay off the junk food starting now. I am going to allow myself to have cake and ice cream on my birthday though. I really want to celebrate turning 50. I'm going to get a small cake and a small container of ice cream. I don't want it to be around for days because I would just eat it all anyway. I thought about not starting to lay off the junk food until next Tuesday but there's no reason why I can't just start now. The good thing is that I really didn't enjoy eating the candy bars today. I ate them out of habit but it made me feel sick. When I go shopping this weekend I'll get healthier food than I have been getting. It will benefit David too if I don't bring junk food into the house.

The adventure continues. It's going to be a long road but as long as I stop along the way to notice all the beauty, the goal will be attainable. I'm looking forward to being a healthy weight again. It will make all the difference in the world.

First walk tomorrow

Well, it's almost 10pm and I'll be heading to bed soon. I basically spent the whole day sitting in my chair playing on the laptop. I needed a diversion from Harley being gone. It didn't really work though. Tomorrow morning I'm going to meet Kitty up at the Mesa to go for a walk. I'm not sure how much walking I will be able to do this first time out. I am soooo out of shape. I've gained at least 12 pounds (259 to 271). Ugh! I can feel all the weight too. It does not feel good. But I'll get back on the trail and start walking tomorrow. Hopefully there's not much more snow in the forecast and I'll be able to walk at least 3 times each week. I thought about going walking this morning but when I got up I saw that it had snowed last night. Yikes! It's April people!

I did eat junk food again today. I've got to knock off that bad habit. I know I can do it because I've done it before. It always feels so good to get past the intense cravings for Cherry Coke and candy. It takes a while though and it's not always easy but it is definitely worth it. There is no sense in going walking if I'm going to continue to eat junk food every day. Having something once in a while is okay but I've really overdone it these last few months. I'm paying the price now with all this weight. This first walk tomorrow is going to be painful but I've got to do it. I'll report on how the walk goes when I have time tomorrow evening.

I'm tired now and I'm going to head to bed. Goodnight all.

I miss you Harley

My walking buddy is gone

I'm re-posting this from the Dog Blog. He never really was my walking buddy but I always held out hope.

Harley is gone. I reached my breaking point on Monday and called Cindy at Sit Means Sit. She was the only one who offered to take him. I called in the afternoon on Monday and she called me back within minutes and said that I could bring him to her house out in Black Forest. It was a very sad day. I love Harley and wish that I could have kept him but the biting was just too much for me. Everything I did every day revolved around Harley. I felt like I was suffocating with him. I have tears in my eyes already just thinking about him. Cindy seemed confident that she could work with Harley and she thinks that he is a great dog. He's just not great for me. I loaded up his food, treats, bison bones, Buster Cubes and Ultra Balls to take with him. I used one of the chain leashes when I let him out of the car. He seemed fine of course. He wasn't very happy at first to see me drive away but then they walked him toward the house and he seemed fine. I cried for the rest of the day.

I wondered what his first night was like away from me. Then the next day I wondered how he was doing at his new house. Cindy lives out in Black Forest with some land. I hope Harley is able to enjoy being there. Cindy may not be the one who keeps Harley. He might go with another trainer or a client. I know that wherever he ends up he will be very happy. Cindy thinks that she can get him to start behaving in a week or so. If I could have afforded it I would have done the training with them but I'm out of money and couldn't afford to spend any more money on Harley. I feel bad that money came into play but it wasn't the main reason for giving him up. I thought that having Harley was going to be a completely different experience than it ended up being. He was never the hiking buddy that I wanted which makes me sad.

It's only been 2 days since I let him go but for some reason today was really difficult. The house seemed so empty without him. It was just so quiet today. I wasn't getting up every five minutes to let him in and out. I'm relieved at all the things that I don't have to work around anymore but that does not lessen my sadness. I feel foolish that I have given up 5 dogs in as many years. I really had good intentions with all of them but I guess I'm just meant to not have a dog. I still would love to have one but it would have to be trained before I got it for it to work out.

Oh how I miss Harley, Skooter, Moped, Huxley and Blitz. I am not over giving up any of them. I was foolish to think that it could work out with Harley. Hopeful, but foolish. I really intended that I would never give Harley up but I never counted on him biting me all the time. I hope that it was just me he is like that with and that whoever ends up with him will find his gentle side. He does actually have one.

So, here I sit, once again, crying over giving up my dog. Cindy said I could ask about him if I wanted but I think it's best if I just let him go. I don't know how it would make me feel if I hear that he is doing well. I think I would feel like I made a mistake and that he was salvageable. I'd rather just know that I've done the right thing for me and for Harley and leave it at that. David is having a very difficult time with this and I can't blame him. He didn't get to say goodbye to Harley like I did. I told Harley that I love him and that he would be okay. David wasn't home from work when I brought Harley to Cindy. David misses Harley greeting him when he gets home from work. On the other hand, I feel relieved that he's not attacking me and my shoes when I come in the house.

Harley was spending far too much time tethered or in his kennel. He also had started to tear up the bushes in the back yard. He was already digging along the fence but when he started digging up the bushes, that was kind of the final straw. I really, really hope that Harley will do okay with someone else. My only fear was that he would behave so badly that Cindy would want me to take him back. He's not that bad though. He really is a great dog. I just don't know how to handle a dog so that he or she is at her best. Harley made Huxley and Blitz look like a walk in the park. I still had issues with them though. Blitz was always waking me up at night and they were always getting into the trash. Oh well, that situation is over too. I need to move on.

Now it's time to build my life again. I know that The Dog Blog will continue because it will take a long time, if ever, to not miss all my dogs. And as ridiculous as it sounds maybe one day, years from now, I'll be at a place in my life where a dog would actually make sense. But I'm not anywhere near that point in my life right now. Now I can think about walking again and going back to school without worrying about leaving Harley for hours on end which just made him act worse. I hope it doesn't come across as me being selfish because that's not it at all. I did have Harley's interests in mind when I made my decision. I had sat and cried in Marianne's office for one hour before making the decision at Lisa's house to call Cindy. I thought I was feeling bad about my 50th birthday coming up on Monday like if I didn't celebrate it this year I would never have a reason to celebrate. I think what I was really feeling though was that if I didn't let go of Harley right now, I never would. That thought was overwhelming.

I wish that I didn't have to post this. I'm embarrassed and feel so bad that I've given up Harley. Even though I know it was the right thing to do, I still feel bad and sad. The tears will continue to come. I'm sure of that. At some point they will stop. I'm sure of that too. But in the mean time I'll just grieve over my loss. Again.

Changes are coming

I'm still eating lots of junk food and fast food. I haven't started walking yet either. I need to sit down with David and have a talk with him about the things that we are eating and drinking. It's got to stop or at least slow way down. I checked the history on the scale and I was at 259 lbs recently and now I'm over 270 again. I know I can lose the weight by eating better and by walking more. I have a good excuse to walk because Harley needs to get out there every day for a walk. It would be good for both of us to get out and walk.

I need to take some time today to clear out the fridge. I hate when there's so much stuff in there. I need to clear out the cupboards too. I'm sure I've got a few meals already in there just with the stuff I have on hand. A few groceries added and we'll have meals for the whole week.

I realized that this past month has been terrible for me when it comes to eating, shopping and sleeping. I haven't wanted to face my life every day so I would eat, sleep or shop to distract myself. That needs to stop. I can't afford to gain any more weight, we'll drown financially if I keep spending and I'll miss out on my life if all I do is sleep. I want to take some classes this summer but I won't be able to if I can't get into a healthier, more routine schedule. I can't wait until I start school to start the routine. I've got to be in a routine before then. There are 2 months until summer classes start. That will give me plenty of time to get a schedule going.

My plan is to take 4 classes this summer - 3 online (Math, Anthropology & Music Appreciation) and 1 on campus (Computer Literacy). That will be in addition to my 2 weekly appointments with Marianne and at least 2 dog walking dates with Lisa and/or Kitty. I know it will be a lot for me coming from such a sedentary lifestyle but if I take baby steps for the next month I should be able to get myself in a good place. Then I'd have another month to live it out. Part of this too will be eating healthier. I can't survive on junk food. I feel tired all the time right now because all I eat is junk. I need to add a lot more fruits and veggies to my diet. And water! I definitely need to drink a lot more water than I am drinking. I'm sure that contributes to the fatigue as well.

So, slowly losing this old self is the plan. It will take time and effort but I'm willing to do both. I think I have hit my saturation point on junk food so I'm hoping that leaving the junk food alone won't be as hard as I'm imagining it will be. I don't like feeling so sluggish and blah. What I eat sure does contribute to how I feel mentally, emotionally and physically. I eat crappy food and I feel crappy. No big mystery there. I think one of the reasons I haven't felt good too is that I don't like my hair cut. It's too fringey for me. I like a more blunt cut. So I'm going to call Hector and see if he'll adjust the cut for me. I was supposed to go in on April 22nd but that's too far away. I hope he can get me in soon. I won't feel as sloppy with a better cut. I'm just not into this whispy stuff.

Even though I have a lot of work to do, I know that taking baby steps is the best way to approach it. Trying to do it all at once is nothing but a recipe for disaster. I need to give myself the opportunity to succeed. I don't want to set myself up for failure. It will take some time to change my eating and sleeping habits but in the long run it will be worthwhile. And the spending only adds more stress to my life. Saving makes me feel a whole lot better. I need to stop wasting money on Harley. I'm buying way too much stuff for him that won't last but a few minutes. I'm going to stick with the 2 toys he hasn't destroyed - the Buster Cube and the Ultra Balls. I have 2 Buster Cubes already and 2 Ultra Balls so I don't need to buy anything else for Harley. I should try to sell the other toys that I have that he can't use. I'd like to try to put a few things out in the back yard (the huge blue balls) for Harley to play with. He has nothing in the yard to play with right now so he is destroying the yard and bushes. That's not cool.

I need to get out into the yard with Harley and start throwing a ball for him. It would be as good for me as it would be for him. I've got to stop just sitting around the house all day or sleeping all day. I'll never be able to get through 4 classes if all I do is sleep. I have to be committed to getting the work done, especially since 3 of the classes will be online. I'm hoping that I'll have enough financial aid left over in July to get a new laptop and some new clothes for school (just a couple of pairs of jeans and some new shoes and tops). David would have the laptop I'm working on now as his laptop and hopefully I'll have a new one. Unfortunately all my financial aid won't be disbursed until July which is halfway through the summer session but I can wait to get the laptop. I will need to buy a digital voice recorder before school starts though. I'm going to get the same one that Lisa has, the Zoom H2. Recording my on campus class will be important. With the pain I have in my hands I don't think I could take notes for 2 hours. I'll have to see how things go though.

Back to the weight loss. I know if I just add in some fruits and veggies and a daily walk, I'll lose weight. The hard part is continuing to lose weight after people start noticing I'm losing weight and make comments. The comments are all positive and meant in a good spirit but I get nervous for some reason after someone notices and start eating like crazy again. I'll have to work closely with Marianne on that.

Well, it's after 3am. I should get back to bed. I'm glad I took time to blog about this stuff though. I seem to think better in the middle of the night. I guess it's because I have no distractions (no TV, no David, no Harley). I can just sit and think clearly. That's a nice place to be.

I think I've hit a new low

It's 3:30 in the morning and I'm feeling sick from all the crap I ate all weekend. It was a festival of junk food and fast food and I don't mean that in a good way. I'm really frustrated with the situation with Harley and I'm anxious so I'm eating a lot to calm myself. Not a good plan. I need to be out there walking to calm my nerves, not eating junk food. I haven't been walking yet. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. There have been some beautiful days, weather wise, but I haven't taken advantage of them at all. I need to get out and start walking in the morning again, not every day, but a few times a week to start. I wish I could get Harley out there with me but I'm not sure he's ready for all that excitement yet. I don't like leaving him home in his kennel knowing that he has separation anxiety so I just don't go walking. Maybe that's what is contributing to the problem getting worse with Harley. I need to just do my thing. I can take him into account but not let what he does rule my day.

So, in my frustration this weekend I turned to junk food and fast food. I can't even tell you how many times we've been to McDonald's this past week. It's ridiculous. I'm at a saturation point where fast food and junk food make me ill just thinking about it. I don't want anymore junk food or fast food. I'm going to go to the store later today and pick up just a few things to help me eat better (fruit, bagels, and cereal). I'm going to start off slow and easy. I'm not going to change everything overnight. If I can get myself to have a bowl of cereal with skim milk and a banana in the morning, that would be progress. Then for lunch I can have another piece of fruit (probably an apple) and a bagel with cream cheese. Where I really get stuck is on dinner.

Nothing appeals to me for dinner. I don't like meat very much and I don't want to prepare a lot of food. I have some bagged salad in the fridge alone with a cucumber but haven't even touched it. I'd like to eat a salad every night for dinner adding a sandwich or soup to it. I no longer want heavy, filling meals at night. David always wants to eat around 4pm and I'm never quite ready to eat then. I just don't want to be cooking. I'm going to have to figure something out for dinner though. It has to be simple and nutritious yet not totally boring.

So, I'm eating more junk food than my body can tolerate and not exercising at all. What a horrible combination. Nothing good will come of that. All I can do is take baby steps and go slow. There's no point in me making myself do things or eat things that are going to make things more difficult than they already are. I have to do something that will make me feel good and show me that I can be successful at this. This easiest thing I can do is to add fruit and veggies to my diet. I haven't been eating any at all of either. In the last month I've had one salad and 2 pieces of fruit. I don't even know how I'm surviving on the crap diet that I'm on.

There really has to be some payoff for treating myself like this. I know some of it is that I don't have to worry about anyone expecting great things from me. Some of it is the fear of losing weight. And some of it is a huge fear of committing to being healthy and then giving up. I don't require any discipline of myself. I do whatever I want to do (or mostly, don't do). Why does feeding my face feel like a reward to me? Why don't I respect myself enough to take care of me? Seeing pictures of me lately have me feeling distressed. I can do something about this but instead I fall deeper into it. Why do I want to be fat? Really. I must want to be fat because I don't do anything that would help me to not be fat. Being fat is a protective wall around me. Nobody will want me and nobody will expect anything from me.

Why don't I expect anything of myself? What do I care what everybody else thinks? What am I getting out of this? These are questions that I have to ask myself. I need to come up with answers though. I know what I'm doing I'm just not sure why I'm doing it. Maybe I needed to get this low before I could make any changes. I don't want to weigh 300 pounds. I don't even want to weigh 200 pounds. Losing 100 pounds would be optimal and would get me back to a good BMI. All I need to concentrate on right now though is losing 1 pound. I get so overwhelmed by knowing that I have 100 pounds to lose that I just never try because I know I will not be successful. What a horrible attitude to be stuck with. I've got to do something different. I've got to do something that works and that I can stick with. I need to have small successes along the way and see my efforts paying off. I definitely need to figure out where all the fear is coming from including the fear of commitment to losing weight.

Okay, I'm really tired now. It's 4am and I need to get back to bed. I have an appointment with Marianne later today. I'm not sure what to talk about with her. There is just so much going on right now - school, weight, exercise, eating, Harley, blah, blah, blah. What do I need to spend my time on though? I need to stay focused on me and not go off on a Harley tangent. I need to stay focused on me and what's going on inside of me. It's not easy to do but I've got to commit to doing it. It's that or I'm going to die at an early age. I want to be able to enjoy my coming years and not feel like I'm stuck sitting in a chair all the time. I don't want to be in pain all the time either and right now I am. I'm too young to be in this predicament.

Okay, really going to bed now. Later.

Junk food junkie

I'm not doing very well today - maple bars for breakfast and McDonald's for lunch. Yuck! Why do I do this to myself? I know that after I eat I'll feel sick yet I can't seem to remember that when I'm ordering or buying food though. Now I'll feel sick the rest of the day.

I had some very bizarre dreams this morning that I think are related to losing weight. Basically what the dreams came down to were that I have a fear of losing weight because it will make me feel physically venerable to "look good". I've had my issues in the past that obviously still live a lot closer to me than I realized. I'm going to have to delve into these things if I'm ever going to lose any weight.

I think I'm feeling anxious today because I need to make a decision about school. It looks like I got approved for student loans so now I have to figure out if I want to go into debt to go to school. I have 3 options: 1. teach myself stuff by buying books, etc. 2. cash flow one class at a time 3. take at least 2 classes so I'd be eligible for the student loans. I asked David about it and his response really made me think. He was wondering what the loan payment would be. I know I wouldn't have to pay back until I stopped going to school but I'm not sure I want to go to school every semester. Do I really want to take on debt for school or am I just wanting money to spend? I need to be honest about this. Taking a student loan is a big deal. I have to give it a lot of thought. I guess what it comes down to is do I really want to go sit in a classroom for hours to learn. I could check out online classes but they are more expensive than on campus classes. I would need student loans to do online courses.

Anyway, I'm feeling anxious about this so I'm eating a lot to lessen the anxiety. Nothing I'm eating is good either and it really isn't taking away the anxiety but causing more because I feel bad about eating all this junk. I have a lot of work to do with Marianne.

This is how I feel about the snow...

and why it's so difficult for me to get out there in the weather. It's a poem I wrote about "Snow".






Here's the youtube link so you can see a bigger version of it.

What I'm missing out on...

This is the trail up at Palmer Park that I'm missing out on. It's so beautiful up there but somehow I can't bring myself to go there for a walk. I really am missing out on the beauty of nature. I got Harley to be my hiking buddy but that hasn't quite panned out. I don't walk, so he doesn't walk. Am I just lazy or is there something going on in my head that I haven't figured out yet? Anyway, just looking at this picture makes me feel better, more hopeful. I need to get back up there and start walking again.

Photos from 3/17/2010

This is what I looked like on March 17, 2010. It's hard for me to look at these pictures. My hair color looks cool but my face is almost featureless. I don't like looking at myself with my clothes off anymore. I look hideous. I don't even like just looking at my face. I can see how much I've given up on myself, how much I have indulged myself too. Just wanted to post these pictures so you can see that I'm not exaggerating. I have gained a lot of weight. I don't look good these days and I don't feel good either. Somethings gotta give.

Bringing things up to speed

Has it really been almost 6 months since I've blogged in here? Yikes! First, a quick update. Everything turned out fine with my kidney issues. I stopped taking Relafen and things got back to normal with the kidney lab numbers. I have more pain than I used to since stopping the Relafen though which is kind of a bummer but at least I'm not losing kidney function. Winter wasn't a very productive time for me. I quit walking and started eating junk food again. That's where I'm at right now. I want to go walking but it seems like we get a winter storm every other day. March can be our snowiest month here in Colorado Springs. This year seems to be no exception. My excuses for not walking are pitiful. I don't want to go out in the cold and I'm afraid to drive up to the Mesa because of possibly icy roads. The road is shaded by trees and doesn't get the melt off. I could walk around the neighborhood but I dread that boring walk. I haven't been walking Harley either. I keep coming up with excuses for not walking him too. I really need to get back into the swing of things.

I weighed myself the other day and I'm at 271 pounds. Not my heaviest weight but certainly not good. In a little over 2 weeks I'll be turning 50 years old and I'm in the worst shape of my life. I know I can't change everything in 2 weeks time but maybe I can at least get back on track a little bit. It definitely would help if I stopped drinking pop and eating a diet high in candy and snacks. I rarely eat real food these days. I can tell too. I feel tired and sick most of the time. I have zero energy because I stopped eating fruits, vegetables and protein. I have a bowl of honey nut cheerios every morning with skim milk. That's the only "real" food I get each day. The rest of the day I'm eating junk food or fast food. I've been getting up in the middle of the night and eating too. Usually it's candy or other junk food. I haven't had anything this morning though because I feel so sick from all the junk I ingested last night (fast food, pop, & candy). My stomach is constantly rumbling and feels achy most of the time. I'm making myself miserable.

I talked to Marianne about my eating the other day. I told her that along with sleeping too much during the day and shopping online too much that I'm out of control with my eating. She asked me to think about my level of commitment to myself and also to think about how I'm punishing myself. I'm not sure what I'm punishing myself for though. I know that I feel like I don't deserve anything good in my life. Instead of taking care of myself, I'm constantly doing what is bad for me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Why am I afraid to make a commitment to myself? Why do I think eating, shopping and sleeping are rewards? What are some healthy rewards I could give myself instead?

I find it so easy to give in to my impulses, whether it's sleeping, eating or online shopping. I rarely do anything during the day and instead wait to begin my activities when David gets home. I either sleep or sit around doing nothing during the day. When David gets home I still don't want to do anything so it's usually fast food for dinner. That's getting really old. Real food just doesn't have any appeal to me. I can't remember the last time I made a sandwich. Not even PB&J. Everything but junk food makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it, especially meat. I'm not sure what the aversion is to meat but it's a strong aversion. I can get away with scrambled hamburger once in a while or chicken but that's not very often these days.

So unfortunately I have been slowly losing myself still but in the wrong way. I want to lose myself by being healthy (lose weight) not lose who I am in sickness and compulsion. I'm thinking about going back to school as a Freshman at PPCC this summer. I'm concerned about fitting into the chairs that will be available. I'm worried about being able to walk around campus without constantly being out of breath. It would do me some good to get out of the house away from the junk food and away from my bed and laptop. And moving around, even if it's just a little more than I'm doing now, could really help me to feel better physically and to feel better about myself.

I got my hair dyed on March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. It's a coppery color again. Lisa took some pictures of me with the new do and I was appalled at what I look like. I didn't realize just how fat and old I look now. It really got me feeling down. The hair came out great but it's on this body of mine which is out of control. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I've lost the features in my face. I have rolls of fat on my belly. I'm just in the worst shape I've ever been in. And I'm sad about that. I don't want to die because I'm not taking care of myself. I want to be able to make a commitment to myself, regardless of what David is doing, and eat healthier and get more exercise. Heck, get any exercise. I'm not getting any at this point.

One of the problems that I have is that I make everything into a big project. I do tons of research and planning to start out but I lose interest fast and food goes to waste and I don't keep up with the walking. I have a hard time just adding in a small change in my life. I feel like I have to "get with the program" though I'm not sure who's program it is. It's always an overwhelming program too. I expect myself to do a 180 with eating and exercising and I usually end up doing a 360 and wind up back where I started. It's disappointing.

I was losing a little weight but as soon as anyone made a comment noticing the weight loss I started eating poorly again. What am I so afraid of? What do I think will happen if I lose weight? I can't feel any worse than I do already. All my limbs ache from the inactivity and I'm so fatigued from not getting good nutrition. I think that one of my sub-conscious fears is that if I start losing weight that "people" will expect me to continue to lose weight. I don't like the responsibility of that. It's difficult for me to make a commitment to losing weight because I'm so afraid of failing so instead I do nothing and end up gaining weight. If I do nothing, then nothing will be expected of me. Of course, the million dollar question is "who's expecting anything from me?". No one gives me a hard time about my weight except me. I'm my harshest critic. I demand more of myself than is possible. I just can't give myself a break.

I set the bar so unrealistically high and then get bummed out that I can't reach it. It's a good excuse to throw in the towel. I don't require anything of myself. I have no concept of self-accountability. I know that the way I grew up and the people who surrounded me had a huge impact on my views of weight and health but that can't be an excuse my whole life. I'm already having trouble getting around. And I'm not even 50 yet! I'm going to be a very miserable old person if I don't make some changes in my life. Maybe this is the first step to changing things - just acknowledging that I have a problem.

I try to hide the fact that I'm eating junk and overeating which is silly because everyone can see by looking at me that I'm eating myself into an unhealthy state. What's the hiding about? Why do I think that no one will know what I've been doing and not doing? I feel like I've somehow hid it from Marianne and I know that's not the case. I know that she sees me gaining weight. I just haven't had the courage to face myself and deal with this problem and it is indeed a problem. I feel better just being honest with Marianne about my situation. It didn't keep me from eating all kinds of junk food and fast food though. It's like I keep telling myself that I'll eat junk just one more time and then I'll quit but I never do. I try to take a stand by throwing stuff away (junk food and pop) but then I just buy it again.

All of this is having a negative effect on the financial bottom line too. Our expenses for groceries (mostly junk these days), restaurants and junk food is sapping our budget. We easily spend $25 a day on crap. We've spent over $4,000 on "recreation" since the first of the year. That includes all the unhealthy eating and compulsive shopping. That could have easily gone to the emergency fund which stands at zero right now. Why is it so easy for me to give up my security like this? Is food and stuff really more important to me than feeling secure financially and mentally? Unfortunately I have to say that food and stuff is more important right now and I need to figure out why it is.

What do I get out of doing all these unhealthy things? There has to be a payoff or I wouldn't be doing them. I guess the less I expect of myself the less everyone else can expect of me. I'm just the fat, lazy friend who doesn't take care of herself. That's how I see myself. No one has ever told me that they feel that way about me. I make it all up in my head and think that because it's a thought in my head it must be reality. Why do I want attention for doing the wrong things? Wouldn't it be more fun and healthier to get attention for doing good things for myself? Why can't I see that? I guess that growing up I did get attention for doing the wrong things and was never praised for doing the good things. The good things were just expected and never rewarded. Bad behavior always got me attention even if it was negative. Maybe I'm still living that scenario out.

How do I change this though? What do I change first? How much should I take on? I don't want to take on so much that I feel overwhelmed and quit. I think I'm going to have to do a lot of observing how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking during this process. I need to question why I do and don't do things. What's my rationale? What's the payoff? I know a lot of it is that if I expect little of myself then others will expect little, if anything, from me too. But why is that important?

It's kind of like the going to school thing. I've already told everyone that I'm going to go but now I'm having second thoughts because what if I fail? What if I can't stick with it? What will people say about me? What will I say about myself? It wouldn't be easier to just not try than to try and fail. I know that doesn't make sense though. Why do I think I'm going to fail when I succeed at most things that I try to do? Why do I give up so easily?

So many questions and so few answers right now. I guess that the fact that I'm actually aware of all of this and asking questions is a good thing. I don't want it to stop there though. I want it to lead to taking care of myself, wanting to be healthier, for me. I have to do this for me, not for anyone else. Honestly, no one else is that interested in this. I am not the center of everyone's universe. It also doesn't help David that I'm constantly bringing junk food and fast food into the house. He has Type II Diabetes yet I continue to ply him with junk food. Why am I doing that? Why is it so hard for me to say no to myself? Is it because I was always told no growing up and that I rebel against telling myself no? When will this foolishness stop?

I always plan that I'll start making changes "tomorrow" or "Monday" or the "beginning of the month or week" but I never do. I'm always putting it off. I don't feel accountable for myself and I don't feel accountable to anyone else either. Maybe I can work with Marianne on this and use her as my accountability partner. That is what she's there for, right? So what can I do today to take one babystep on this journey? Blogging is definitely a step in the right direction. Facing reality is so important in this process. If I can't look at what the reality is, I'll never feel like I have to make any changes. I still see myself as looking good when I don't, not at all. I'm not being mean to myself here, I'm just stating the facts. I am about 100 pounds overweight. I am living an unhealthy lifestyle. I'm going to die sooner rather than later if I keep up this foolishness.

Do I feel like I have a reason to live a longer life? What's the point? I mean, really, what is the point of living a life like this? I'm unhappy with who I am and what I look like and how I feel. Why am I doing this to myself?

I'm starting to feel anxious so I'm going to stop blogging now. I'll let these questions rattle around inside for a while and see if I can find any direct causation between who I've become and who I was growing up. That should keep me busy for a while. ;)