Medication status

I've been taking the Ativan and the Lithium since Monday night. On a scale of 0 - 10 I'd say the meds are having an effect of about a 3 at most. I'm still anxious about driving. It is helping decrease the shaking and chest tightness though. So it is making a difference. I still feel depressed though because the anxiety is keeping me from doing things I would like to do. I did take a shower today and wasn't afraid near as much of the shower breaking. I did wait until David was home and up before I showered though. Tomorrow will be interesting because David has to work all day so if I need to go anywhere or use any appliances I'll be doing it  on my own. David went to bed around 7:30pm tonight. I'll probably join him in an hour or so. I already took my meds. Gabe and Katie went up to Estes Park today. I would love to be able to do that but just going 2 miles to the store gets me so anxious I feel ill so I think that a day long ride isn't in the cards for me right now. I wouldn't be able to trust the car making it the whole way. Maybe if we rented a car I could do it but even then I don't know. David is off for 4 days next weekend but we won't be able to go anywhere because of this anxiety. I feel bad about that but there's not much I can do about it. I was anxious today too because Maria, my house cleaner, is moving out of state and I have to find a new house cleaner. I emailed one on Angie's List but haven't heard back from her yet. If I don't hear from her by Monday I'll give her a call. I need to get someone in for an estimate and to get them scheduled. I'll definitely be charged more than the $45 that Maria charged me so I'll have to work that into the budget. Too many things that are making me anxious. At least the Ativan makes it bearable right now. I'll be calling Dr. Fouss on Monday to let him know how I'm feeling. I'm not sure what he'll do, if anything, about adjusting my meds. I need to get some lab work done but I'm anxious about driving to the lab. Maybe I can get myself to do it Monday after I drop off Bayou. I also have to set up my physical and annual exam with Shellie. I need to get that scheduled. The driving is such an issue. I have to do it though. Driving all the way up Powers really psychs me out, especially since they are repaving the road and it's and bumpy. I'll just have to do my best and get it done.

Ironically, I've been sitting her for hours watching NASCAR. It's not making me anxious at all to see them racing. I wish I could trust in my car the way they trust in theirs. Sigh.

Bad night

I'm not sure why but I had a really bad night tonight. I felt anxious all night. I think part of it was because I was alone. It gets tiring being alone so much. It gives me too much time to think about things I don't need to be thinking about. I also think it was because I wanted to go out to pick up something to eat but couldn't talk myself into doing it. I was afraid of it getting dark and I'd have to turn on the lights on the car. I keep thinking that the lights and AC will suck all the power out of the car and it will stall. So I had popcorn for dinner tonight because I couldn't go out to get a meal. I took the Ativan but it didn't do much for me. I know it's probably too soon to get noticeable results from the Ativan or the Lithium. Dr. Fouss seemed to intimate that I should maybe feel something in a weeks time. If not, I'll call him and he'll make an adjustment.

I got an email from Kitty tonight. She saw my post on Facebook. She wants to talk to me. I sent an email back to her so we can set something up. I have plenty of time to get together. I'd like to meet somewhere over on this side of town or have her come to the house. I'm sure we can work something out.

I'm going to take my bedtime meds and hopefully that will help me to feel better. When I wake up at 3am to go to the bathroom I usually feel good and stay up to enjoy the "normal" feeling. I know I'm stressing about going to my therapy appointment tomorrow. I know the car is okay but I don't believe it in my mind. I don't have control of my thoughts, they have control of me right now. I still can't let that stop me from driving and doing other things though. The anxiety is just a feeling but what I'm afraid of is a definite possibility in my mind. I can't dwell on that though. I have to keep with the positive thoughts and keep myself calm and relaxed. I can drive even if it brings on anxiety. I can't let the anxiety run my life any more than it already is.

I look forward to going to bed tonight. Sleep is the only thing that takes me away from all of this. Sleep, sweet sleep.

Facebook post gets nice responses

I posted this on Facebook earlier this morning:

In the last few months I've developed an extreme anxiety disorder. I have a low level of anxiety for many every day things and a high level of panic about some specific things (driving being the most difficult to deal with). I could very easily become a recluse if I gave in to this disorder but I'm determined to fight this. I started on two new meds today (Ativan and Lithium) that I am hopeful wil

l decrease the anxiety and make me feel better over all (I also have bipolar disorder). More than anything I want my life back. I want to get back to hiking and hanging out with friends. I want to NOT be afraid of all the things I did in life before this anxiety disorder took over.

If you've ever dealt with anxiety, I'd like to hear about your experience. You can email me if you'd like (internettie1960 @ gmail dot com). I'd like to know how you are living through it, how you got through it and what meds, if any, did you try.

I think that the devastating wildfires we had here in Colorado Springs and the theater shootings that were up the road in Aurora have been some sort of catalyst for my anxiety disorder. If you think of some really horrible things that can happen and within a month's time that happens right out your back door you have to be effected in some way by it.

Somehow I'll work my way through this but would love to hear from other people who deal with this or know someone who does. My family, friends and treatment team have been extremely supportive and kind. It would only be worse if they were not behind me. I look forward to your comments.

 

 

I got a lot of nice responses from friends and family.  Some responses brought tears to my eyes. I also got a private message from one of my friends who is dealing with her own situation. I just felt like it was time to share what is going on with me.

I felt like on a scale from 1 to 10 (1 being little to no help and 10 being back to normal) that I am getting about a 2 in help from the new meds in just one day. The ativan makes me sleepy during the day so I have to work it around driving. I thought about not bringing Bayou to daycare today but went ahead and brought her anyway. I'm glad I did. I don't want to give in to this anxiety and stop doing the things I need or want to do. She's tired out now and that helps me in the long run. David is at golf tonight. I thought Gabe said he might stop by to pick up the Chinese food leftovers from last night but I don't know what he's doing. David said Gabe has an interview on Friday up in Nederland. His friend Katie is here for the week and I assume she will go up there with him for the drive. We all went to dinner last night. We had a good time. The drive across town was difficult for me but I did it anyway so that we could have dinner with Gabe and Katie.

I have my appointment tomorrow with Dr. G. I sent her an email to let her know what meds Dr Fouss prescribed for me.

I went to the store this morning but forgot to pick up a few things. I don't know what I'll do for dinner. I have time to figure it out before David gets home around 8:30pm. I could make pork chops but that doesn't sound very good. Maybe I'll just do brats and dogs. That would be easiest and quickest since he gets home so late.

I'm not really feeling much like blogging right now.

Anxiety about appointment drive

I'm very anxious about driving to my appointment tomorrow. It may rain which is only making my anxiety worse. There is a chance that David will be home in time to take me to my appointment. I hope he is. I'm not looking forward to going on my own. I thought about rescheduling but it's too late to do that. Tomorrow is the only day we are expecting any rain. Damn. I did take some Xanax this afternoon because the anxiety was so bad. I really think that the Waldo Canyon Fire and the Aurora theater shootings had something to do with my anxiety being so bad. The worst things that could happen did happen here or close to here. It made anything bad possible. Sigh.

Anxiety, oh, anxiety!

It just won't let up completely today. I just talked to Lynn, thinking that would help but it didn't. I know I can always call her back later if I need to. She's good about letting me talk when I need to. I'm stressing out about having to drive downtown on Monday to see Dr. Fouss and then having to pick up Bayou after my appointment. It's a lot of driving. I found this series on anxiety on Netflix and started watching it the other night. It's been a little helpful. One woman said something that really  has stuck with me. She said that she just has to do stuff even if she feels anxious, that's it's okay to feel the anxiety but it's not okay to stop doing stuff because she feels anxious. I understand that completely. I've been pushing myself to drive even though it makes me feel so anxious because I don't want to give up or give in to the anxiety. I'd become a recluse and Bayou would need to be re-homed if I stopped driving. I've got to fight this until I can get some medication that will help this anxiety go away. I want my life back. I want to be able to go to WW meetings again. I want to drive without feeling like it's the end of the world. I try a lot of positive self talk but it doesn't feel like it helps much. I need to find something that mitigates this feeling of anxiety. I'm sure if Dr. Fouss puts me on some medication I'll feel better by the end of the month. I know this just is a chemical thing and can be fixed with medication. I know I can feel better at some point. I'm going to take some Xanax tonight to help me feel better. I know I can only take it short term but until I have a longer lasting medication to help me the Xanax is the way to go.

Appointment set

Dr. Fouss called me back last night. I have to see him to get medication. I have an appointment on Monday at 2:30pm. I'm going to remind him that when I was on the Prozac and Wellbutrin I was doing okay and didn't feel like this. I'm sure there are newer, better acting meds I could be put on but I'd almost rather be on something that I know didn't have any side effects. I'll just have to wait until Monday and see what happens.

I did all my driving today. I was anxious the whole time but I kept just trying to give myself positive messages like Dr. G told me to do. I don't know that it helped much but I did it anyway. I'm home now with no plans to go out tonight so I'm calming down. I may have to take something to help me settle down though. I drove on Powers Blvd. and that always makes me more nervous. I'm so anxious that I have pain in my chest. I know it's just the anxiety so I'm not stressed about that.

I did go to the grocery store today but didn't get the things I wanted to because I was so stressed out. I did get stuff for dinner tonight (steaks). There were some things I thought of getting but didn't and other things I didn't even think of getting until I got home and thought about it.

Gabe just got home so I'll blog later.

4pm - still waiting for a call

No call yet from Dr. Fouss. He must have patients all day today. I'm sure he'll call if he's in the office today. I don't know that I would go to Walgreen's today because it looks like it is going to rain. Whatever he prescribes (if anything) I can start in the morning anyhow.

Today was an okay day because I didn't go anywhere. I'm a little bit more anxious right now because David and I talked about what's going on with me. I guess he's just trying to understand my situation. I appreciate that. Just talking about it though makes me anxious.

I needed to go to the store today but will leave that for tomorrow. Again, I'm not going to drive in the rain. I can find something to cook for dinner that I already have here (probably breakfast). I need to plan out some meals for the next few days too. Mostly it will be stuff to grill. I'd rather just go out to eat but that get's too expensive. We don't really have the money to do that right now. I feel bad because my cooking isn't that good and Gabe likes to eat different things than I cook. I guess he'll be okay for as long as he needs to stay here. That's pretty open ended right now because he doesn't have any full time job prospects as of today. He drove all the way up to Wellington, CO yesterday, 2 1/2 hours away, but didn't get the job. He's been applying for all kinds of jobs all over the country, even some back in Wisconsin. I hope he gets something soon. I know it must be difficult for him to not have his future secured.

I've been watching a lot of sports on TV. It relaxes me. Earlier today it was baseball and now it's golf. I'll look for another ballgame later or watch football. Sports helps keep me relaxed and it's good background noise. It keeps my mind busy.

Guess that's it for now. I'll update once I hear from Dr. Fouss.

Waiting for Dr Fouss to call

I left a message for Dr Fouss to call me. I made a list of my symptoms so I can give him specifics:

headaches
decreased appetite
fluttery feeling or tightness in chest
stomach aches; going to the bathroom a lot
can't control the thoughts, can't get my mind to stop
increased anxiety with certain thoughts that is out of proportion to the situation
altering my routine
depression getting slightly worse
restlessness during the day
trouble sleeping
shaking, trembling, sweating when anxious
persistent anxiety
dizziness during, after an anxiety attack
difficulty doing every day things
general sense of impending doom (specific fear that my car will break down)

Hopefully he'll be able to suggest something knowing these symptoms.

I am miserable when I have to drive

Today I had to drive Bayou to daycare, go to my therapy appointment and then pick up Bayou. I was miserable doing all of it. Then I made myself drive to the store tonight just to increase the misery I guess. Sigh. I did see Dr. G today but don't really feel like anything we talk about doing helps me. I tell myself it will be okay, that I can "do this" but in reality right now I can't do it. Not without a lot of anxiety anyway. I'm already stressing about bringing Bayou to daycare on Friday. I need to go to the store tomorrow too. Sigh. I'm going to call Dr. Fouss tomorrow and just pray that he'll prescribe something for me. I don't want something like Xanax though. That would just make things worse I think. I want something that will work all day long and help me while I'm driving. A benzo won't help me with driving because it would just make me tired and I wouldn't be able to drive while taking it. Dr. G recommended Buspar (which doesn't seem like a good fit for me) but I'm sure Dr. Fouss will know what to give me. I'm not going to go anywhere until I hear from him. I'm hoping he'll call in a prescription for me and I can pick it up when I go out.

I did have a cherry coke and a candy bar tonight. It didn't even taste good. Not much tastes good because of this anxiety. It's really decreased my appetite. I'm making myself eat though because Dr. Fouss said I need to eat. Drinking the coke, with caffeine in it, probably isn't a good idea though. It will just make me more jittery. Not good. Lynn was the one who mentioned that to me tonight. I talked to her for about an hour and a half. It helped to talk to her. It got my mind off the anxiety for a while. I'm glad I made myself go to the store but it really was miserable driving. I just don't trust my car. I don't know that I trust any vehicle right now. Lisa has offered to take me places if it would help but I don't know if it would. I can't just stop driving. Like I said, I'd become a recluse and Bayou would never get to daycare and that would make us both crazy(er). I'd like to stop driving until this goes away but that just won't work.

I really am terrified of breaking down while I'm out there driving, especially when Bayou is in the car with me. I feel like I just wouldn't know what to do and if it was hot out that Bayou would pass  out in the car.

Okay, I need to stop thinking about this. I need to calm down and relax. It's already 10:40pm. I need to get to bed soon. I know I can relax and sleep well when I put my mind to it. I'm going to watch a little TV and then head to bed. I can get through this. I know I'll be okay soon and talking to Dr. Fouss tomorrow will help.

The anxiety cometh...

I'm thinking about taking Bayou to daycare tomorrow so the anxiety is getting bad. I keep trying to get my mind off of it but it's difficult to get away from it. I've got to figure out why this is happening and how I can get it to stop. It's really getting to me. I'm not going to post much because I don't want to think about this too much.

Gabe took Bayou for another walk again tonight. She really seems to enjoy going with Gabe. I get anxious about her getting away from him but so far so good.

That's it for now. I need to get my mind on other things.

Quiet morning so far

Bayou and I didn't get up until about 9am. Gabe had just gotten up himself. He's off to Starbucks with his dad's computer to work on stuff for teacher jobs. I think he's going to be working on his Colorado certification application. He'll probably be gone for a few hours. It's 10am right now. I don't have anything to do this morning. I'll probably go to the store later to get something for dinner. I'll get something that can be grilled, maybe pork chops. I'll figure it out later.

The anxiety doesn't seem as "deep" today. I'm not feeling it in my chest and stomach like I have been. I'm sure that could change when I know I have to drive but for now I'm going to enjoy feeling almost normal for a bit.

I hope Gabe gets a job soon. I know it will make him feel better to have that all settled. He's got a lot going on in these few days. He seems to be handling it well though.

I'm going to lay down and take my morning nap here in just a few minutes. My morning medicine always makes me feel sleepy (it's the Zanaflex). It makes the day go by faster to sleep through some of it. I look forward to my morning nap.

Confession is good for the soul

David asked me if I would go over to Culver's to get us a concrete mixer. He volunteered Gabe to go with me. I asked Gabe if he wanted to go and he said that he did, so we drove over to Culver. We took my car and I drove. Gabe said something to me at Culver's that opened the door for me to explain to him that I have developed this anxiety disorder about driving. He was very sweet and listened to everything that I had to say. He told me that it sounded like I was doing all the right things to try to help myself with this problem. That made me feel really good. He shared that he has been dealing with some anxiety the last couple of months himself due to all the life decisions he is having to make. It makes me sad that he is having to deal with anxiety at all but it also fills my heart to know that he understands what I am going through. I feel like a bit of the burden has been lifted off of me after talking to Gabe. I don't know that it will make the anxiety go away at all but it does make me feel a bit stronger. I felt positive after the drive with Gabe. I felt like it was another notch under my belt of a good ride where the car didn't break down.

It's 2am. I'm up because I have a runny nose. I took some allergy medicine so should be getting sleepy any time now. Hopefully Bayou hasn't moved onto my pillow. It's hard to get her off of there.

Gabe did a lot of good foot work yesterday regarding looking for a job. He got an email back and a phone call about jobs he stopped to talk to people about. He also got a call back for an interview Wednesday for a job up in Wellington, CO. It's almost to the Wyoming border. It will take him about 2 1/2 hours to get up there. It's past Ft. Collins. It's nice up there though. Yesterday he went up to Woodland Park, Cascade, Manitou Springs and a charter school here in the Springs. Taking the time to put a face with a name paid off for him. So it looks like he'll be staying in Colorado, at least for the time being. It would be nice to have him around. If he got the job in Wellington we might not see him much but he'd at least be close enough to visit. I know he wants to be in a small town. Wellington is a nice, small town with a very new school (I think it was built in 2007). All of this is better than the job he had lined up out in California. Marin City, CA is nicknamed "The Jungle". The school has a lot of at risk kids. I'd rather see Gabe in a normal school setting and not putting his life on the line every day just by going to work. Any way, I think he'll end up with a job by the end of the week since most schools are starting next week. It will be a quick transition for him and for us too. It's been nice having him here, especially for me and Bayou.

Last night, even though it made me anxious, I let Gabe take Bayou out for a walk with her harness on. They were gone over half an hour. I really started to get nervous but right about that time they came back home. He said that she did great walking. It's so nice to have him here to take her for walks. It encourages me to take her for a walk every day to the mailbox. She could definitely be my walking buddy if I worked with her. I could use her e-collar to keep her off people and other dogs if we ran into those situations. I'm glad I didn't let the anxiety win out last night. I would have missed out on a great conversation with Gabe and Bayou would have missed out on a great walk.

When I woke up earlier I woke up from some crazy dream. The dream made me feel like I was going to be okay and that I don't have anything to be anxious about anymore. The dream has faded away but the feeling that I don't have to deal with fear every second has stayed. That is a good thing.

So, both Gabe and I had productive days yesterday. We both faced our fears head on and came out on top. Gabe could have just sat back and waited for people to contact him but instead he got in the car and went and introduced himself and shook some hands and talked to some people. Because of it he has interviews and contacts now. I'm very proud of him for doing the work that he did. And I'm proud of myself too for going for the drive last night and for talking to Gabe about my temporary anxiety disorder. He was very supportive and kind about it. I got through the car ride without shaking and was able to feel positive about it when I was done.

I have no scheduled outings today though will probably go to the store to get something for dinner. Making myself get out there is a good thing. I don't want to end up as a recluse because of this anxiety. That could easily happen but I won't let it. I'll continue to take Bayou to daycare, go see Dr. G and Dr. Fouss and run my errands. (I'm getting anxious just writing about all of that!) At some point the anxiety will just go because I'll have more positive experiences than negative ones.

Gabe wants to go over to Red Rocks Canyon Open Space this week with Bayou and me to go hiking. I may try to do that. It would be fun to hike and to have Bayou there with me. There would be a lot of people and other dogs but I'd let Gabe take care of handling her leash. I'd keep the remote with me though. It would be fun to do. Maybe we could do it Thursday. It's supposed to only be in the 70's on Thursday. Of course, Gabe will probably be doing interviews or getting ready some other way for a job on Thursday. We'll just play it by ear. I can see us doing it though. It's a long ride because it's on the West side of town so I really would have to be committed to doing it before we actually left for the ride over there. We'll see how it all works out.

It's after 2:30am so I think I'll go back to bed. The allergy medicine has started working so I think I can sleep now. Hopefully Bayou is not on my pillow. Goodnight, good morning and good bye for now.

Having my ups and downs

I've been having my ups and downs with this anxiety. Obviously it gets worse if I drive but sometimes it's bad just being at home. I did take Bayou to daycare today and picked her up too. It was stressful but I did it. It's really getting to David that I'm having so much anxiety. He's worried that I'd have to go in the hospital but I've assured him that I'm not going into the hospital. I probably would if I didn't have to worry about Bayou but someone has to take care of her. Plus, going to the hospital wouldn't really help me with the anxiety. It might take away the stressors but they would all be there again when I got out. I have to learn to deal with this out here. I'm going to call Dr. Fouss tomorrow and talk to him and see what he suggests. I really don't want to add another medication but I also don't want to feel like this anymore either. I'm just so afraid of the car breaking down, especially when Bayou is in the car. I try to tell myself that the car has been fixed and it's okay but the anxiety just doesn't stop while I'm driving. It's keeping me from doing things that involve driving. I had a project for Mrs. S and had to mail it to her so she can review it. I bet she'll think it's weird that I want her to mail it back to me. I don't really want to tell her about the anxiety but I will if she asks why I can't come by to pick up the project.

I saw Dr. G on Saturday and we talked. She has good suggestions but they just don't help. I see her again on Wednesday. I'll see her and then pick up Bayou. I'm already anxious about the drive. I want a candy bar tonight but I'm afraid to drive to the store. I was hoping Gabe would go for us but I don't think he wants to go to the store tonight because he's tired. He had a long day applying for jobs. He decided to not take the job in California and will be staying here until he figures out what he's going to do. I'm okay with that but I just wish I didn't have this anxiety problem to deal with while he is here. He wants to go and do things but I don't want to go because I don't want to be in the car. I haven't explained that to him though. Maybe I'll talk to him about it tomorrow since we'll be home. I'd like to take him to go do stuff but I'd be so stressed it just wouldn't be any fun. He wants me to go to the store tonight but I just don't want to drive. I should do it just to work against this fear but the fear is winning out right now.

I have been eating more. I'll have a bowl of cereal in the morning and then something for dinner. Not much, but it's better than I was doing. I didn't weigh in last week though because I didn't think to stop at the WW center on my way home from my appointment with Dr. G. I was too stressed to think about stopping. My weight is up a little but I'm not surprised since I'm eating now.

I really should make myself go to the store. I can't let this anxiety win out. I'll become a recluse if I keep this up. And Bayou won't get to daycare. That won't work though. She'd go nuts without daycare. I'd go crazy having to let her in and out all day too. Daycare keeps me sane too. It causes me anxiety to take her there but I know it's necessary for Bayou and for me. Maybe I'll go to the store in a little while once traffic has settled down (it's 5:30pm right now). I'll be anxious until I either go or decide to not go. I'll need the candy bar by the time I get back.

Gabe has been taking Bayou out into the yard and playing with her. He and David took her for a walk to the mailbox yesterday. I got her a harness and they walked her with that on. They said she did really well and only got crazy when she ran into the neighbor lady. I'll have to work harder on her not jumping up on people. When we were walking into daycare this morning she jumped up on 2 strangers. I was embarrassed but couldn't keep her from doing it. I'm sure she enjoys having Gabe here to play with. He's trying to teach her how to play fetch. She doesn't know how to play fetch outside. We do play fetch with her in the house but she doesn't get how to do it outside for some reason. She's so quirky. I do get anxious when they talk about taking her for walks but with the harness I don't worry as much. Everything makes me anxious though so I'm not surprised that it makes me nervous to let her go for a walk.

I'm pretty sure that I'll try to go to the store tonight just because I need to do it. The candy will be the reward. Not the best reward but something for doing what has become very difficult for me.

I've been trying to figure out when this started and why it's happening but I can't figure out when or why it has happened. If I could just figure out why it started maybe I could figure out how to stop it. Dr. G has asked me if anything precipitated the anxiety but I can't think of anything that did. Just developing an anxiety disorder out of the blue doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense. It just seems crazy. It doesn't seem like something I can live with for very long. I can't imagine that I'll have to live with this much longer. If I thought it would last a long time I probably would have a nervous break down. I have my moments but at least I do have some times that I feel okay. I just wish I could feel okay while driving. I try to make myself believe that I'm okay while driving but I'm not. I can feel the anxiety the whole time I'm driving. I can feel it even when I'm home and just thinking about driving. It sucks.

So, it's up and down for me every day right now. That sucks too.

Horrible day

Today was an absolutely horrible day because of the anxiety. I was anxious all day because I had to go to the store and pick up Bayou this afternoon. It took me hours after doing that to finally get to feeling okay. Everything makes me feel anxious though so it's difficult to feel good for any length of time. I don't have to go anywhere the rest of the night or tomorrow so I can relax a bit. I also spent some time talking to Lynn and that helped too because she has gone through this herself so she understands. David is supportive and understanding too but he's at golf tonight. It's hard being by myself so much when I feel this way. I'm so glad I have the Olympics to watch. I'm not sure what I'll do once they are over. They'll be over with in just a couple of days. *Sigh* I know I'll figure something out. I was really stressed driving today because I drove on Powers Blvd. I was shaking because I was so anxious. I was so glad to get home and be done with it. I'm anxious about the coming weekend because Gabe will be in town and I don't really want to go for rides. I'm going to suggest that he and David go places without me. It will be miserable for me to be out in the car. I don't know if David has made any plans yet with Gabe. He hasn't said anything to me about doing anything. I have an appointment with my psychologist on Saturday morning at 10am and can't miss that appointment. If Gabe calls tonight I might talk to him about what's going on with me. If I don't get a chance to talk to him tonight I'll talk to him when he gets here. I don't want to feel like I have to go out just because he's here.

I have a project that I just finished up for Mrs. S. I need to get it to her but can't get myself to drive to her house so I'm going to mail the project to her (it's a rental lease) and get her to review it. If more changes need to be made, I'll ask her to mail it to me so I can finish it up. I may have to tell her what's going on with me so she understands why I have to do the mail thing. This anxiety is really messing with my life.

I didn't get the orange cones at Dick's Sporting Goods. I felt like I'd be giving in to the anxiety if I did that. However, I've thought about it again and realized that lots of people have orange triangles in their emergency kits so it's okay to get the cones. I'm not sure when I'll get over there though. I also need to weigh in this week at WW but I'm not sure when I'll get there either. I may try to go Saturday either before or after my appointment. I'm getting stressed just thinking about all this stuff. I need to get it all out of my mind and just relax.

I'm done taking the Lamictal. I didn't bother with taking the "every other day" doses. I couldn't get myself to take it again because I'm afraid it will make me feel even worse. I'm afraid though that the anxiety isn't because of the Lamictal. I would assume it would be out of my system in just a couple of days and it's already been 3 days so I'm nervous about what's causing this anxiety. I haven't been taking any Xanax because it has a boomerang effect and I think I end up feeling worse if I don't take it all the time. I don't know what Dr. Fouss will be able to do for me if this is still going on at the end of the month when I see him. I can always call him sooner if I don't feel good. I know I'll need something to help me control these thoughts if they don't go away soon.

So, relaxing is difficult because so many things come into my mind and stress me out and make me anxious. I'm trying to keep my mind busy with other things, like the Olympics, so that I don't feel overwhelmed by the anxiety. Even sounds I'm not expecting make me nervous. I don't know why I'm so on edge and hypervigilent. I really hope that Dr. G can help me with therapy and that Dr. Fouss can help me with the medication side of things. I don't want to start a new medication but I can't keep on feeling this way. It's really getting to me and is stressing out my body and my mind.

David should be home by 9pm. I'll get dinner started around 8:15pm. I've been trying to make dinner and eat. I was losing weight because I wasn't eating at all. Now that I'm eating again I'm gaining instead of losing. That's okay though. I'm not gaining a lot. Losing weight by not eating isn't the right way to lose weight anyway. I've started tracking again too. I'm not on it 100% but I'm back to it which is a good thing.

I really wish I could figure out why I'm having this anxiety and why it's manifesting itself the way it is. I'm so afraid of mechanical things breaking down. The finances are stressing me out too. I'm anxious about making mistakes financially. I'm worried that getting the new phones wasn't a good idea. Both of our old phones were not working right (and mine was literally broken in half) and we needed new phones. Anything we got would have cost the same so there wasn't much we could do. I guess we could have got unsmart flip phones online but we didn't do that so we're stuck with what we've done. I think we'll be okay. I think that it's just the anxiety that's getting to me. It's effecting me in so many ways. It sucks! If I could figure out a reason that it was happening maybe it would make it easier to deal with but I don't know why I'm feeling this way so it makes it so much harder. If I knew why it was happening it might be possible to figure out how to fix it. Right now I've told myself it's the Lamictal but I'm thinking that it's not that now. It scares me to think of feeling like this for much longer. I feel so much for people who live with an anxiety disorder every day of their lives. Living like this is so difficult. It either has to go away or I'll have to figure out a way to treat it so I can live a normal life again.

Both Lynn and David are afraid of me ending up in the hospital again. I'd like to go because I know the driving thing wouldn't be an issue as long as I was there but as soon as I left it would be an issue again. This is something I have to deal with outpatient. I can't give in and stop driving completely. I'd become a recluse and poor Bayou would be miserable not going to daycare. If nothing else I need to take Bayou to daycare 3x/week. That's probably the hardest thing I do because I'm so afraid of breaking down with Bayou in the car, especially on hot days. I have to try to tell myself that being anxious about it isn't going to stop it from happening. I'm just making myself miserable about something that's not happening. All I can do is deal with it if it does happen. Being afraid isn't going to help me at all. Again, I'm anxious just thinking about this stuff. I think I'll get dinner going so I can get my mind off of all this. I want to try to relax for the rest of the evening.

A lot has gone on since June 20th (my last post)

The great news first: I'm down to 271.2 pounds, which means I made my 25 lbs lost mark. I got my 25 lb charm for making the goal. I also got a a star for losing an additional 5 lbs. In total I've lost 27.2 lbs!! I'm only 1.8 lbs away from making my 10% goal (269.4 lbs). That could happen this week or next week. I'll get my 10% key chain when that happens and I'll be able to put my charms on it (my 16 week and 25 lb charms). So, that's the great news.

The good news next: I've weighed in at the meeting center all but one week since June 20th. I weighed in at home that week. The meeting center has moved to a temporary location for 6 weeks and they don't have the computers set up so they are just writing in the weight loss info and we have to enter it at home anyway until they get things set up at the new location. But I've been getting there to weigh in.

The not so good news now: I haven't been going to meetings for at least a month now. I just go in to weigh, pick up the weekly and skeedaddle. Going to the Wednesday night meeting seemed like a hassle and there were too many nights when there was a possibility of rain so I was afraid to drive. I may try to go this Wednesday so I can celebrate with everyone about my 25 lb victory. Or maybe I'll be celebrating my 10% total weight loss since I began back in September. Boy, has it been almost a year already? That's hard to imagine. Anyway, I need to either pick a day meeting to go to or get myself to the Wednesday night meeting.

The absolutely terrible news: I've developed and anxiety disorder about the car breaking down and now I'm terrified to drive. I am not kidding and I am not exaggerating. The car did stall out a few weeks ago (it was the alternator) so we got it fixed by Neil. I should feel better now that it's fixed but I don't. I have panic attacks as I drive and I literally shake because I'm so nervous about the car breaking down. It's even worse when Bayou is in the car. I'm so afraid of the car breaking down when she is in it on a hot day. I couldn't just hold her on her leash outside the car. There's far too great a chance that she'd run off. So I'm trying to figure out how to tie her down like we used to die down Huxley and Blitz when we had them in the car. I think I've figured out a way to do it using a one foot leash attached to the tie down that we already have so that she can get to the window. She needs to be tied down in the car anyway. I only put the windows down a few inches because I'm anxious about her jumping out the window without being tied down. If I had her tied down she could put her head out the window like a normal dog and I wouldn't worry about her jumping out.

My anxiety about the car seems totally unfounded at this point because the car seems to be running just fine. I'm afraid to turn the AC on though because that's what caused the stall weeks ago. Poor Bayou and I are so hot on the drives home from doggy daycare but I am terrified to turn the AC on thinking it will cause the car to break down. Even if it did break down, I have David to come get me. Or I could call Lisa. Or I could call the towing service we pay for. It's not like we'd just sit there without any help. But to me, and this is what the anxiety is about, it feels like no one would be there to help me, that I'd be all alone. I'm not completely sure why I'm thinking that these days. I worry about all the major appliances (including the AC in the house which has already broken down) breaking down. I only worry about them when I'm alone though. I guess I feel like I don't know enough about shutting things down (water especially) to be comfortable in a crisis.

I'm sure at this point you can feel the anxiety that I'm feeling and can see just how out of character this is for me. I don't usually worry about this kind of stuff. I certainly never had an issue with driving the car and being terrified that it would break down. All cars can break down, even new ones. It happens. I just worry that I'll get stuck on a hill or a blind corner and my car will get hit. I'd feel better if I got some small, orange cones to be able to put behind my car in case of an emergency. I'll have to look for them and see if I can get them in town or if I'll have to get them online. I bet they have them at Lowe's. That would make me feel better to be prepared. Dick's Sporting Goods has them for $5/each. I'll pick up 5 of them today. I'll also ask David to give me some instruction on how to turn off the water on the sinks, tub, dishwasher, etc. just so I'll be better prepared and not so afraid. It's the fear that's getting to me. It's the "what if" something happens and I don't know how to deal with it or don't have the right stuff to deal with it. Cones would definitely make me feel more prepared and maybe take down some of the anxiety.

Also in the last month I decided to change therapists. I'm seeing a psychologist again. I consulted with her back in 2008 (before I started seeing Susan) but for some reason didn't go with her as a therapist. Now I'm seeing her for help. I've only seen her twice but she's been helpful. All we've talked about is this anxiety I'm dealing with and what might be causing it. Dr. G pointed out that maybe I'm afraid of things breaking down because I'm afraid of breaking down. I think that's true. I think that for the last 4 years I've been on autopilot and have been trying to hold everything together by myself. I haven't dealt with the abuse or how that effected me and still effects me to this day. I know there is a voice inside me just screaming to be heard and I'm afraid to listen. There is a terrified part of me that things the world is going to come to an end. I'm getting caught up in that madness and have developed this anxiety disorder because of it. I'm practicing thought stopping,  mindfullness and emotion regulation (all DBT skills). I'm also certainly dealing with distress tolerance. I need to do a refresher on the DBT skills to help me get through this.

Right now I feel relaxed because I know I don't have to drive anywhere if I don't want to today. I'll probably go to Dick's Sporting Goods though to pick up those cones. It will be worth the anxiety to go get them. It does fell good to not feel anxious for a while. It's 4:30am and I've been up for an hour or so. I stayed up because I didn't feel the anxiety and wanted to back in the glory of feeling normal again. I know the anxiety will come back though. At least I think it will. Wouldn't it be nice if it were gone for good.

Another change that has happened in the last month: I've seen Dr. F quite a few times. I asked him to take me off of the Zoloft and the Lamictal. I think the Lamictal is causing some of this anxiety. I never had anxiety like this before I was on that medication. I'm hoping that within a few weeks time I'll be back to normal (whatever that means for me LOL). I have to wean off of the Lamictal and I'm at the point where I'm taking half a dose every other day for a week. Then I'll be off of it completely. I look forward to that. If it's not the Lamictal then I'll have to take a different track with Dr. G, kind of like what we are doing now anyway. I do feel better this morning and I don't think it's a coincidence that I didn't take any Lamictal last night. We'll see how it goes when I have to drive later (if I decide to do that). I'll see Dr. Fouss again at the end of the month. A few weeks ago when I went to see him I gave him a list of all the things that are issues for me (the PTSD and where it comes from, the Bipolar Disorder and how it effects me) and how the recent tragedies have effected me (the fire, the Aurora shooting, etc.). I think it's information that he needs that I just hadn't thought to give him before. I think it was helpful for both of us to go over the list.

So, there are a lot of good things going on and I need to remind myself of that. This anxiety takes over and it feels like nothing is working when that's not the case. I need to be more prepared for things that I worry about happening just to relieve the fear. I think if I can reduce fear, I can reduce anxiety. I think I will go to Dick's today if for no other reason that to get myself out there driving. I need to face the fear. The car was fixed and it's running fine. There's no way to tell when a car is going to break down, or where. All I can do is be ready with my cones and my tow card. I'm not giving into the fear, I'm staring it down. I'm telling it who's boss. I'm telling myself that there is no need to be anxious. The car breaking down would be an annoyance not the end of the world.

I stopped hiking with Lisa up at Palmer Park because I'm too afraid to drive the road up to the Mesa hiking trail. It's just a 2 lane road and it's hilly and curvy. I'm afraid of breaking down on it. So until I can get over that fear, I need to start walking in my neighborhood. I can start by going to the mailbox every day and picking up yesterdays mail. That would give me a purpose too instead of just walking. It's not as fun walking in the neighborhood so having a reason to walk would help. I could try to take Bayou for walks too. I need to work with her. She's out of control. Anyway, I need to start walking again. I think that would help with the anxiety too.

Sort of unrelated, but a fun thing: We got iPhones!! My phone literally broke apart and David's kept shutting off so we decided to get rid of the 3 year old flip phones and go with iPhones. They are very cool. We got the least expensive model with the least amount of options. They are more than adequate for us. It's nice to have a working phone that is smart. lol My old phone literally was broken in half. When I dropped it it came apart. It was well beyond it's years. And the batteries wouldn't keep a charge anymore either. It was time for new phones. They are of course more expensive monthly but we got the least expensive plan that we needed. We could go even lower depending on how much we use them. I'll use mine more than David will use his I think. Guess we'll have to see. The only think he has on his phone is a golf GPS app that he'll use on Wednesdays and in tournaments maybe. I even figured out how to hook up our bluetooth headsets to the iPhones. I'm using the phone as much as I can (meaning the calendar, notes, clock, weather, facebook, YNAB, Ent, etc.). I want to get my moneys worth out of it.

Back to WW stuff: I haven't tracked food since July 11th. Because of the anxiety I haven't been eating much. It's really difficult to eat when you feel super anxious. Dr. F told me that I need to eat though and not just funk food. So that's why I'm losing weigh so consistently. Once I get back to eating regularly I'll probably gain some weight back. I'm not quite ready to eat 3x/day though. I do need to get back to eating better and tracking my food. I also need to get back to meetings. I'd like to go back to going 3x/week. I really felt connected when I did that. For now just getting back to one meeting a week would work for me. Dori does a noon meeting on Wednesdays. Maybe I'll go to that meeting instead. Less change of weather that time of day. Plus it probably wouldn't be as crowded at the 5:30pm meeting. I just want Dori to be the leader of the meeting. I like how she does awards. That might work really well for me. I'll try it out this Wednesday while Bayou is in daycare.

It's so weird to not feel any anxiety right now. It could be the Xanax doing it's job or it could be not taking the Lamictal or a combination of both. Either way, I'm glad to feel better right now. Like I said that will probably change when I have to drive but for now I'll take it. I'll continue to wean off the Lamictal, work with Dr. G and face the fears by being better prepared. I'm going to try to get back to a normal life again. I was just thinking that maybe I could meet Lisa in the lower parking lot and then ride with her up to the Mesa Trail. It would keep me from having to drive up the road until I'm ready to do that and would eliminate the parking issue too. I'll have to talk to her about doing that. I'd love to get back to walking again. Oh shoot, that probably wouldn't work because she stays after me and does her intervals. Oh well, it was an idea. I'll still talk to her about doing something like that maybe.

I've been watching the Olympics a lot instead of true crime shows. I'll miss the Olympics when they are over. I don't know that I'll go back to true crime. I think the stories don't help me when I'm feeling anxious already. I think I'll go back to listening to music and just not watching TV. The one good morning I had this past week was when I didn't turn the TV on. The Olympics will be ending this weekend so I'll need to have a plan of attack for what I'm going to do without it.

Well, that's it for now. My butt is starting to hurt from sitting so much. I need to go back to bed. Before I know it Bayou will be up! I'm really hoping she'll sleep late today (like say 9:30am). We'll have to see. Anything past 7:30am would be good.

Time to get off my butt and go back to bed.