Having my ups and downs

I've been having my ups and downs with this anxiety. Obviously it gets worse if I drive but sometimes it's bad just being at home. I did take Bayou to daycare today and picked her up too. It was stressful but I did it. It's really getting to David that I'm having so much anxiety. He's worried that I'd have to go in the hospital but I've assured him that I'm not going into the hospital. I probably would if I didn't have to worry about Bayou but someone has to take care of her. Plus, going to the hospital wouldn't really help me with the anxiety. It might take away the stressors but they would all be there again when I got out. I have to learn to deal with this out here. I'm going to call Dr. Fouss tomorrow and talk to him and see what he suggests. I really don't want to add another medication but I also don't want to feel like this anymore either. I'm just so afraid of the car breaking down, especially when Bayou is in the car. I try to tell myself that the car has been fixed and it's okay but the anxiety just doesn't stop while I'm driving. It's keeping me from doing things that involve driving. I had a project for Mrs. S and had to mail it to her so she can review it. I bet she'll think it's weird that I want her to mail it back to me. I don't really want to tell her about the anxiety but I will if she asks why I can't come by to pick up the project.

I saw Dr. G on Saturday and we talked. She has good suggestions but they just don't help. I see her again on Wednesday. I'll see her and then pick up Bayou. I'm already anxious about the drive. I want a candy bar tonight but I'm afraid to drive to the store. I was hoping Gabe would go for us but I don't think he wants to go to the store tonight because he's tired. He had a long day applying for jobs. He decided to not take the job in California and will be staying here until he figures out what he's going to do. I'm okay with that but I just wish I didn't have this anxiety problem to deal with while he is here. He wants to go and do things but I don't want to go because I don't want to be in the car. I haven't explained that to him though. Maybe I'll talk to him about it tomorrow since we'll be home. I'd like to take him to go do stuff but I'd be so stressed it just wouldn't be any fun. He wants me to go to the store tonight but I just don't want to drive. I should do it just to work against this fear but the fear is winning out right now.

I have been eating more. I'll have a bowl of cereal in the morning and then something for dinner. Not much, but it's better than I was doing. I didn't weigh in last week though because I didn't think to stop at the WW center on my way home from my appointment with Dr. G. I was too stressed to think about stopping. My weight is up a little but I'm not surprised since I'm eating now.

I really should make myself go to the store. I can't let this anxiety win out. I'll become a recluse if I keep this up. And Bayou won't get to daycare. That won't work though. She'd go nuts without daycare. I'd go crazy having to let her in and out all day too. Daycare keeps me sane too. It causes me anxiety to take her there but I know it's necessary for Bayou and for me. Maybe I'll go to the store in a little while once traffic has settled down (it's 5:30pm right now). I'll be anxious until I either go or decide to not go. I'll need the candy bar by the time I get back.

Gabe has been taking Bayou out into the yard and playing with her. He and David took her for a walk to the mailbox yesterday. I got her a harness and they walked her with that on. They said she did really well and only got crazy when she ran into the neighbor lady. I'll have to work harder on her not jumping up on people. When we were walking into daycare this morning she jumped up on 2 strangers. I was embarrassed but couldn't keep her from doing it. I'm sure she enjoys having Gabe here to play with. He's trying to teach her how to play fetch. She doesn't know how to play fetch outside. We do play fetch with her in the house but she doesn't get how to do it outside for some reason. She's so quirky. I do get anxious when they talk about taking her for walks but with the harness I don't worry as much. Everything makes me anxious though so I'm not surprised that it makes me nervous to let her go for a walk.

I'm pretty sure that I'll try to go to the store tonight just because I need to do it. The candy will be the reward. Not the best reward but something for doing what has become very difficult for me.

I've been trying to figure out when this started and why it's happening but I can't figure out when or why it has happened. If I could just figure out why it started maybe I could figure out how to stop it. Dr. G has asked me if anything precipitated the anxiety but I can't think of anything that did. Just developing an anxiety disorder out of the blue doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense. It just seems crazy. It doesn't seem like something I can live with for very long. I can't imagine that I'll have to live with this much longer. If I thought it would last a long time I probably would have a nervous break down. I have my moments but at least I do have some times that I feel okay. I just wish I could feel okay while driving. I try to make myself believe that I'm okay while driving but I'm not. I can feel the anxiety the whole time I'm driving. I can feel it even when I'm home and just thinking about driving. It sucks.

So, it's up and down for me every day right now. That sucks too.