The great news first: I'm down to 271.2 pounds, which means I made my 25 lbs lost mark. I got my 25 lb charm for making the goal. I also got a a star for losing an additional 5 lbs. In total I've lost 27.2 lbs!! I'm only 1.8 lbs away from making my 10% goal (269.4 lbs). That could happen this week or next week. I'll get my 10% key chain when that happens and I'll be able to put my charms on it (my 16 week and 25 lb charms). So, that's the great news.
The good news next: I've weighed in at the meeting center all but one week since June 20th. I weighed in at home that week. The meeting center has moved to a temporary location for 6 weeks and they don't have the computers set up so they are just writing in the weight loss info and we have to enter it at home anyway until they get things set up at the new location. But I've been getting there to weigh in.
The not so good news now: I haven't been going to meetings for at least a month now. I just go in to weigh, pick up the weekly and skeedaddle. Going to the Wednesday night meeting seemed like a hassle and there were too many nights when there was a possibility of rain so I was afraid to drive. I may try to go this Wednesday so I can celebrate with everyone about my 25 lb victory. Or maybe I'll be celebrating my 10% total weight loss since I began back in September. Boy, has it been almost a year already? That's hard to imagine. Anyway, I need to either pick a day meeting to go to or get myself to the Wednesday night meeting.
The absolutely terrible news: I've developed and anxiety disorder about the car breaking down and now I'm terrified to drive. I am not kidding and I am not exaggerating. The car did stall out a few weeks ago (it was the alternator) so we got it fixed by Neil. I should feel better now that it's fixed but I don't. I have panic attacks as I drive and I literally shake because I'm so nervous about the car breaking down. It's even worse when Bayou is in the car. I'm so afraid of the car breaking down when she is in it on a hot day. I couldn't just hold her on her leash outside the car. There's far too great a chance that she'd run off. So I'm trying to figure out how to tie her down like we used to die down Huxley and Blitz when we had them in the car. I think I've figured out a way to do it using a one foot leash attached to the tie down that we already have so that she can get to the window. She needs to be tied down in the car anyway. I only put the windows down a few inches because I'm anxious about her jumping out the window without being tied down. If I had her tied down she could put her head out the window like a normal dog and I wouldn't worry about her jumping out.
My anxiety about the car seems totally unfounded at this point because the car seems to be running just fine. I'm afraid to turn the AC on though because that's what caused the stall weeks ago. Poor Bayou and I are so hot on the drives home from doggy daycare but I am terrified to turn the AC on thinking it will cause the car to break down. Even if it did break down, I have David to come get me. Or I could call Lisa. Or I could call the towing service we pay for. It's not like we'd just sit there without any help. But to me, and this is what the anxiety is about, it feels like no one would be there to help me, that I'd be all alone. I'm not completely sure why I'm thinking that these days. I worry about all the major appliances (including the AC in the house which has already broken down) breaking down. I only worry about them when I'm alone though. I guess I feel like I don't know enough about shutting things down (water especially) to be comfortable in a crisis.
I'm sure at this point you can feel the anxiety that I'm feeling and can see just how out of character this is for me. I don't usually worry about this kind of stuff. I certainly never had an issue with driving the car and being terrified that it would break down. All cars can break down, even new ones. It happens. I just worry that I'll get stuck on a hill or a blind corner and my car will get hit. I'd feel better if I got some small, orange cones to be able to put behind my car in case of an emergency. I'll have to look for them and see if I can get them in town or if I'll have to get them online. I bet they have them at Lowe's. That would make me feel better to be prepared. Dick's Sporting Goods has them for $5/each. I'll pick up 5 of them today. I'll also ask David to give me some instruction on how to turn off the water on the sinks, tub, dishwasher, etc. just so I'll be better prepared and not so afraid. It's the fear that's getting to me. It's the "what if" something happens and I don't know how to deal with it or don't have the right stuff to deal with it. Cones would definitely make me feel more prepared and maybe take down some of the anxiety.
Also in the last month I decided to change therapists. I'm seeing a psychologist again. I consulted with her back in 2008 (before I started seeing Susan) but for some reason didn't go with her as a therapist. Now I'm seeing her for help. I've only seen her twice but she's been helpful. All we've talked about is this anxiety I'm dealing with and what might be causing it. Dr. G pointed out that maybe I'm afraid of things breaking down because I'm afraid of breaking down. I think that's true. I think that for the last 4 years I've been on autopilot and have been trying to hold everything together by myself. I haven't dealt with the abuse or how that effected me and still effects me to this day. I know there is a voice inside me just screaming to be heard and I'm afraid to listen. There is a terrified part of me that things the world is going to come to an end. I'm getting caught up in that madness and have developed this anxiety disorder because of it. I'm practicing thought stopping, mindfullness and emotion regulation (all DBT skills). I'm also certainly dealing with distress tolerance. I need to do a refresher on the DBT skills to help me get through this.
Right now I feel relaxed because I know I don't have to drive anywhere if I don't want to today. I'll probably go to Dick's Sporting Goods though to pick up those cones. It will be worth the anxiety to go get them. It does fell good to not feel anxious for a while. It's 4:30am and I've been up for an hour or so. I stayed up because I didn't feel the anxiety and wanted to back in the glory of feeling normal again. I know the anxiety will come back though. At least I think it will. Wouldn't it be nice if it were gone for good.
Another change that has happened in the last month: I've seen Dr. F quite a few times. I asked him to take me off of the Zoloft and the Lamictal. I think the Lamictal is causing some of this anxiety. I never had anxiety like this before I was on that medication. I'm hoping that within a few weeks time I'll be back to normal (whatever that means for me LOL). I have to wean off of the Lamictal and I'm at the point where I'm taking half a dose every other day for a week. Then I'll be off of it completely. I look forward to that. If it's not the Lamictal then I'll have to take a different track with Dr. G, kind of like what we are doing now anyway. I do feel better this morning and I don't think it's a coincidence that I didn't take any Lamictal last night. We'll see how it goes when I have to drive later (if I decide to do that). I'll see Dr. Fouss again at the end of the month. A few weeks ago when I went to see him I gave him a list of all the things that are issues for me (the PTSD and where it comes from, the Bipolar Disorder and how it effects me) and how the recent tragedies have effected me (the fire, the Aurora shooting, etc.). I think it's information that he needs that I just hadn't thought to give him before. I think it was helpful for both of us to go over the list.
So, there are a lot of good things going on and I need to remind myself of that. This anxiety takes over and it feels like nothing is working when that's not the case. I need to be more prepared for things that I worry about happening just to relieve the fear. I think if I can reduce fear, I can reduce anxiety. I think I will go to Dick's today if for no other reason that to get myself out there driving. I need to face the fear. The car was fixed and it's running fine. There's no way to tell when a car is going to break down, or where. All I can do is be ready with my cones and my tow card. I'm not giving into the fear, I'm staring it down. I'm telling it who's boss. I'm telling myself that there is no need to be anxious. The car breaking down would be an annoyance not the end of the world.
I stopped hiking with Lisa up at Palmer Park because I'm too afraid to drive the road up to the Mesa hiking trail. It's just a 2 lane road and it's hilly and curvy. I'm afraid of breaking down on it. So until I can get over that fear, I need to start walking in my neighborhood. I can start by going to the mailbox every day and picking up yesterdays mail. That would give me a purpose too instead of just walking. It's not as fun walking in the neighborhood so having a reason to walk would help. I could try to take Bayou for walks too. I need to work with her. She's out of control. Anyway, I need to start walking again. I think that would help with the anxiety too.
Sort of unrelated, but a fun thing: We got iPhones!! My phone literally broke apart and David's kept shutting off so we decided to get rid of the 3 year old flip phones and go with iPhones. They are very cool. We got the least expensive model with the least amount of options. They are more than adequate for us. It's nice to have a working phone that is smart. lol My old phone literally was broken in half. When I dropped it it came apart. It was well beyond it's years. And the batteries wouldn't keep a charge anymore either. It was time for new phones. They are of course more expensive monthly but we got the least expensive plan that we needed. We could go even lower depending on how much we use them. I'll use mine more than David will use his I think. Guess we'll have to see. The only think he has on his phone is a golf GPS app that he'll use on Wednesdays and in tournaments maybe. I even figured out how to hook up our bluetooth headsets to the iPhones. I'm using the phone as much as I can (meaning the calendar, notes, clock, weather, facebook, YNAB, Ent, etc.). I want to get my moneys worth out of it.
Back to WW stuff: I haven't tracked food since July 11th. Because of the anxiety I haven't been eating much. It's really difficult to eat when you feel super anxious. Dr. F told me that I need to eat though and not just funk food. So that's why I'm losing weigh so consistently. Once I get back to eating regularly I'll probably gain some weight back. I'm not quite ready to eat 3x/day though. I do need to get back to eating better and tracking my food. I also need to get back to meetings. I'd like to go back to going 3x/week. I really felt connected when I did that. For now just getting back to one meeting a week would work for me. Dori does a noon meeting on Wednesdays. Maybe I'll go to that meeting instead. Less change of weather that time of day. Plus it probably wouldn't be as crowded at the 5:30pm meeting. I just want Dori to be the leader of the meeting. I like how she does awards. That might work really well for me. I'll try it out this Wednesday while Bayou is in daycare.
It's so weird to not feel any anxiety right now. It could be the Xanax doing it's job or it could be not taking the Lamictal or a combination of both. Either way, I'm glad to feel better right now. Like I said that will probably change when I have to drive but for now I'll take it. I'll continue to wean off the Lamictal, work with Dr. G and face the fears by being better prepared. I'm going to try to get back to a normal life again. I was just thinking that maybe I could meet Lisa in the lower parking lot and then ride with her up to the Mesa Trail. It would keep me from having to drive up the road until I'm ready to do that and would eliminate the parking issue too. I'll have to talk to her about doing that. I'd love to get back to walking again. Oh shoot, that probably wouldn't work because she stays after me and does her intervals. Oh well, it was an idea. I'll still talk to her about doing something like that maybe.
I've been watching the Olympics a lot instead of true crime shows. I'll miss the Olympics when they are over. I don't know that I'll go back to true crime. I think the stories don't help me when I'm feeling anxious already. I think I'll go back to listening to music and just not watching TV. The one good morning I had this past week was when I didn't turn the TV on. The Olympics will be ending this weekend so I'll need to have a plan of attack for what I'm going to do without it.
Well, that's it for now. My butt is starting to hurt from sitting so much. I need to go back to bed. Before I know it Bayou will be up! I'm really hoping she'll sleep late today (like say 9:30am). We'll have to see. Anything past 7:30am would be good.
Time to get off my butt and go back to bed.
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