Horrible day

Today was an absolutely horrible day because of the anxiety. I was anxious all day because I had to go to the store and pick up Bayou this afternoon. It took me hours after doing that to finally get to feeling okay. Everything makes me feel anxious though so it's difficult to feel good for any length of time. I don't have to go anywhere the rest of the night or tomorrow so I can relax a bit. I also spent some time talking to Lynn and that helped too because she has gone through this herself so she understands. David is supportive and understanding too but he's at golf tonight. It's hard being by myself so much when I feel this way. I'm so glad I have the Olympics to watch. I'm not sure what I'll do once they are over. They'll be over with in just a couple of days. *Sigh* I know I'll figure something out. I was really stressed driving today because I drove on Powers Blvd. I was shaking because I was so anxious. I was so glad to get home and be done with it. I'm anxious about the coming weekend because Gabe will be in town and I don't really want to go for rides. I'm going to suggest that he and David go places without me. It will be miserable for me to be out in the car. I don't know if David has made any plans yet with Gabe. He hasn't said anything to me about doing anything. I have an appointment with my psychologist on Saturday morning at 10am and can't miss that appointment. If Gabe calls tonight I might talk to him about what's going on with me. If I don't get a chance to talk to him tonight I'll talk to him when he gets here. I don't want to feel like I have to go out just because he's here.

I have a project that I just finished up for Mrs. S. I need to get it to her but can't get myself to drive to her house so I'm going to mail the project to her (it's a rental lease) and get her to review it. If more changes need to be made, I'll ask her to mail it to me so I can finish it up. I may have to tell her what's going on with me so she understands why I have to do the mail thing. This anxiety is really messing with my life.

I didn't get the orange cones at Dick's Sporting Goods. I felt like I'd be giving in to the anxiety if I did that. However, I've thought about it again and realized that lots of people have orange triangles in their emergency kits so it's okay to get the cones. I'm not sure when I'll get over there though. I also need to weigh in this week at WW but I'm not sure when I'll get there either. I may try to go Saturday either before or after my appointment. I'm getting stressed just thinking about all this stuff. I need to get it all out of my mind and just relax.

I'm done taking the Lamictal. I didn't bother with taking the "every other day" doses. I couldn't get myself to take it again because I'm afraid it will make me feel even worse. I'm afraid though that the anxiety isn't because of the Lamictal. I would assume it would be out of my system in just a couple of days and it's already been 3 days so I'm nervous about what's causing this anxiety. I haven't been taking any Xanax because it has a boomerang effect and I think I end up feeling worse if I don't take it all the time. I don't know what Dr. Fouss will be able to do for me if this is still going on at the end of the month when I see him. I can always call him sooner if I don't feel good. I know I'll need something to help me control these thoughts if they don't go away soon.

So, relaxing is difficult because so many things come into my mind and stress me out and make me anxious. I'm trying to keep my mind busy with other things, like the Olympics, so that I don't feel overwhelmed by the anxiety. Even sounds I'm not expecting make me nervous. I don't know why I'm so on edge and hypervigilent. I really hope that Dr. G can help me with therapy and that Dr. Fouss can help me with the medication side of things. I don't want to start a new medication but I can't keep on feeling this way. It's really getting to me and is stressing out my body and my mind.

David should be home by 9pm. I'll get dinner started around 8:15pm. I've been trying to make dinner and eat. I was losing weight because I wasn't eating at all. Now that I'm eating again I'm gaining instead of losing. That's okay though. I'm not gaining a lot. Losing weight by not eating isn't the right way to lose weight anyway. I've started tracking again too. I'm not on it 100% but I'm back to it which is a good thing.

I really wish I could figure out why I'm having this anxiety and why it's manifesting itself the way it is. I'm so afraid of mechanical things breaking down. The finances are stressing me out too. I'm anxious about making mistakes financially. I'm worried that getting the new phones wasn't a good idea. Both of our old phones were not working right (and mine was literally broken in half) and we needed new phones. Anything we got would have cost the same so there wasn't much we could do. I guess we could have got unsmart flip phones online but we didn't do that so we're stuck with what we've done. I think we'll be okay. I think that it's just the anxiety that's getting to me. It's effecting me in so many ways. It sucks! If I could figure out a reason that it was happening maybe it would make it easier to deal with but I don't know why I'm feeling this way so it makes it so much harder. If I knew why it was happening it might be possible to figure out how to fix it. Right now I've told myself it's the Lamictal but I'm thinking that it's not that now. It scares me to think of feeling like this for much longer. I feel so much for people who live with an anxiety disorder every day of their lives. Living like this is so difficult. It either has to go away or I'll have to figure out a way to treat it so I can live a normal life again.

Both Lynn and David are afraid of me ending up in the hospital again. I'd like to go because I know the driving thing wouldn't be an issue as long as I was there but as soon as I left it would be an issue again. This is something I have to deal with outpatient. I can't give in and stop driving completely. I'd become a recluse and poor Bayou would be miserable not going to daycare. If nothing else I need to take Bayou to daycare 3x/week. That's probably the hardest thing I do because I'm so afraid of breaking down with Bayou in the car, especially on hot days. I have to try to tell myself that being anxious about it isn't going to stop it from happening. I'm just making myself miserable about something that's not happening. All I can do is deal with it if it does happen. Being afraid isn't going to help me at all. Again, I'm anxious just thinking about this stuff. I think I'll get dinner going so I can get my mind off of all this. I want to try to relax for the rest of the evening.