Nephrologist tomorrow morning

I have an appointment later this morning with a nephrologist (kidney doctor). Some of my lab values have changed and there is a possibility that my kidneys might not be functioning like they should. My creatinine level is 1.23, up from 1.1 three months ago. My eGFR is 48. They got that information from blood work I had done. Tomorrow I'll do a urine test at the doctor's office to see if there is protein in my urine (normally there is none). I'm not sure what other tests, if any, that they will do or schedule. I'll just have to wait and see.

I have a lot of curious symptoms that I thought were unrelated but may be related now that I've researched kidney problems. Those symptoms are: excessive hiccups, itching all over, waking up at night to pee, fatigue, depression, skin rash, aversion to meat, loss of appetite, loss of sexual desire and joint pain. A very strange constellation of symptoms.

I think that my lab values have been off for 3-6 months. I'm sure there will be testing to come to determine if there is anything wrong with my kidneys. They could do more blood work, imaging, ultrasound and/or a biopsy of the kidneys. I don't care what they have to do as long as I get a diagnosis. Once I have a diagnosis I can move forward. The most important changes are eating a healthy diet and exercising every day. I haven't been doing either lately. My eating has changed a lot in the last few weeks. Very little, if any, meat, cheese, eggs, or peanut butter are on my meal plan. And I'm just so tired that going out for a walk just doesn't get done. What really stinks though is that I'm tired but I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep (midnight trips to the loo). It's frustrating.

Anyway, I'm feeling nervous tonight. I want to make sure I have everything ready for tomorrow. I have to bring all my meds in with me to my appointment. I have paperwork to take with me to the appointment. I have to put a note on the door for the cleaning lady to let her know I'm not home but she can come in and start cleaning. I had to print out a map and information on the clinic and the doctor I will be seeing (Mark Cook, DO). I think I have everything ready except putting my glasses by my bag. I'll do that when I head back to bed.

I feel like I am going into this armed with information and that helps relieve the stress. I think I will be frustrated by how slow the whole process will be. I don't know if the Doctor will have enough information tomorrow to diagnose me. I want to get to the bottom of this though so I can get back to walking and eating better. I may have to be on a strict, renal diet if my kidneys have been effected by the long term use of NSAIDs, Ibuprofen and the like.

Okay, I'm going to try to go back to bed. I'm shivering (as usual) and feeling anxious and I'm finally getting sleepy. No reason to stay up and enjoy all of this. lol

Not doing well today

I'm having a really difficult time getting going this morning. The only reason I'm dressed right now is that I have an appointment with Marianne. I should have taken Harley out for a walk this morning and I didn't. I didn't want to get dressed and I didn't want to go out. I'm worried that I'll just never feel like getting into a routine. I feel like I wasted the whole morning just sitting around thinking about the things I could have been doing. I'm overeating and overspending. My impulse control is very low. I didn't even take a shower this morning. A lot of the reason why is that I don't want to have Harley barking or whining while I'm out of the room but still within earshot. I've got to get this figured out. This time of year is so difficult for me because I worry so much about the weather and being stuck in the house. ~sigh~

What am I doing to myself?

I'm watching The Biggest Loser. I'm as big or bigger than some of the people on the show. I think that I'm taller than they are but that doesn't really matter. I am morbidly obese. I am 5'9" and I weigh about 280 pounds. The heaviest person on season 8 weighed over 470 pounds. I don't want to get that heavy. I want to stop it now before it gets any worse. I need to commit again to staying away from the junk food whether David does or not. I need to commit to walking with Harley every day. I know I can do this. I just need to do it. I've given myself a pass for far too long. I'm putting myself in danger. Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I keep eating crap? I have fruit here and yet I ended up eating 6 VERY large cookies in the last 24 hours. What is wrong with me? What feelings am I avoiding? I'm stuffing my feelings with food. I'm watching The Biggest Loser and I just finished drinking a Hawaiian Punch. The irony of it all.

I'm not writing about this stuff to be mean to myself. I need to face the reality of my situation. David and I have really gone down hill in the last year. I'm embarrassed and ashamed but mostly, I'm disgusted.

I haven't been there for Harley the way I need to be because I haven't wanted to push myself to get out there and walk. It's not good for me and it certainly is not good for Harley. He needs to be out there walking twice a day and so do I. I'm going to end up having problems and so is Harley if we don't get out there and walk.

I wonder what it will take to get me motivated enough to get out there and walk every day.

Bad day

It's noon time. I didn't get out of bed until 10:30am. I don't feel like doing anything today except sleeping. My allergies are really bad and I just want to sleep. That and eat. I actually ate a cookie when I got up during the night. I never do that. I'm not sure what prompted me to do it. I've been eating cookies all morning. I know I should have gone out for a walk but I just didn't want to do it. I'm starting to become afraid that I'm not going to walk anymore. I want to have some kind of routine but it's so difficult for me to get going. It's just a bad day today, that's all. I'll probably feel better later today or tomorrow. I'm not giving up but I am giving in. And that's okay for today.

Motivation and determination

I'm up again in the middle of the night. I've been taking in so much sugar lately that I'm having great difficulty sleeping. I need to get this out in the open - I haven't been walking but I have been eating lots of junk food. That is not a good combination. I've only been doing short walks with Harley and that's not every day either. Yesterday all I had to eat was junk - sugary cereal for breakfast (Honey Nut Cheerios), McDonalds for lunch, and junk food for dinner (candy bar, pastry and Hawaiian Punch). I feel like crap right now. All this junk food and lack of exercise is going to kill me, literally, if I don't stop. I haven't had a piece of fruit in days. I haven't had vegetables in I don't know how long. I'm not getting any good sources of protein (that I'm aware of anyway). I've slid completely down the slippery slope. That's the bad news.

The good news is that I can do something about it starting right now. Not drinking soda is a great thing but if I'm getting just as much sugar, or actually more sugar, by eating so much junk food I'm not doing myself any favors. I need to lay off the sugar and fats. I'm sure I've gained weight but I'm too afraid to weigh myself this week. I don't want to see the reality in the numbers on the scale but a dose of reality is just what I need at this point. I've been doing the FF class and I am becoming more aware of what I'm doing but if I don't change anything then what's the point? I think I'm rebelling right now. I'm not sure what I'm rebelling against. What I do know though is that I couldn't feel much worse than I do right now.

I have a partial bottle of Punch in the fridge. I'm going to pour it out right now. There, I just poured it out. I don't have any other junk food in the house at this point but I also don't have much in the way of healthy food either (just a few apples). I can make scrambled eggs for breakfast later this morning and have a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch. A salad for dinner would be a good idea. And water! I need to drink plenty of water and nothing else. I don't need oj or lemonade. All I need is water. Those two things are just chock full of sugar.

In FF today, the lesson is about having gratitude for food, healthy food. Food has been my enemy because I've made it that by my choices. I can make different choices though and add in lots of fruits and veggies to my diet and have food as a friend again. I need to eat and drink the right things in order to have energy to go out and walk. I want to get myself out there in the morning and walk my 40 minute loop. I can't let the weather dictate if I get out there or not. I am in desperate need of exercise. Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally I can be helped by taking time to go for a walk and by choosing healthy foods to eat.

While I'm at it I need to get something else out there - I can't remember the last day I took a shower. I know it was days ago though. And I haven't been brushing my teeth every night. So tonight when I got up I washed my hands and brushed my teeth. That made me feel a whole lot better. I'll take a shower in the morning after my morning walk up at Palmer Park (think positive!). We'll have puppy class in the afternoon so that will be an hour and a half of activity. That will help me to feel better in the long run.

I've been satisfying every desire for junk food instantly. Instant gratification is not going to be a help to me. I need to think of the short and long term consequences of eating whatever I want whenever I want. It's not doing me any good to give in to myself every time. No more 7-11 or other convenience stores. I'll bring a bottle of water when we are in the car so I don't have to go into the store just to get a bottle of water and come out with a drink loaded with sugar and with candy or some other kind of junk food. I need to plan and prepare for my day so that I know that I have healthy choices available. I can't remember the last time I actually shopped for healthy food at the store. Usually I make quick runs in to get cereal, peanut butter and some kind of junk food along with a flat of water. How ridiculous is that. The oj and lemonade isn't a healthy choice. I know that. But I've been trying to trick myself into thinking that at least it's fruit. What was I thinking.

I feel like all of a sudden my eyes are open and I can see things for what they are. It's not that I look and see all the bad things I'm doing only but I'm seeing the ways I can change things for the better. My whole life needs a makeover. I've been letting Harley become my excuse - I just don't have time to take care of myself because I have to take care of Harley. That's crap and I know it. Harley needs to be a part of my life, not me becoming a part of his. I need to do the things that are good for me regardless of Harley. I can't let him become and excuse. He does okay when I'm away so I can afford to go out for a walk each morning then walk him when I get home. That's before either of us eat breakfast. He'll get his nutritional kibble and I'll start eating real food again. Healthy food! Food that will give me energy and make me feel better than I do right now. I really can't believe that I've let things get this bad.

I have plenty of time in the day to go for a walk, take Harley for a walk, plan and prepare meals and snacks and eat healthy. I have my whole day to take care of myself. I want to look good again and feel good again. I'm afraid that if I do look and feel good that I'll change and not for the better. In the past, during times that I looked good I often got involved in things that were out of character for the real me. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not especially because I look different, better. I need to start visualizing myself being more active, eating healthier and losing weight and still being my authentic self. I don't have to pretend to be anything other than who I am anymore.

I miss my walks. They helped me not just physically but spiritually, emotionally and mentally also. I felt more confident when I was walking. I felt like I was accomplishing something every day. Now I just feel like a slug. I don't want to let Harley become an excuse for ruining my health. I need to be in shape to take care of him. Eventually he'll be walking with me up at Palmer Park so I need to be ready for that. I have to quit giving in to laziness. The "I'll do it later" thing just isn't working for me. I never do it later. I've got to live in the here and now and do things as soon as I can. There is no guarantee that I have plenty of time to get to being healthy. I need to just look at where I am right now and what I can do right now (like pouring out that Punch).

Well, it's 2:30am so I should head back to bed so I can get some sleep so that I can get up and go walking later this morning. I can drag out some of the winter attire to help combat the cold and rain, if there is any to contend with. So, I need to come up with a plan for a routine that I can begin right away. I have to keep Harley in mind and work him into my day. My world does revolve around me and I need to let it do that. There's nothing wrong with taking care of myself.

So, what could a typical day look like? Here's an idea:

* get up and let Harley out to do his business
* get dressed to go for a 40 minute walk (sans Harley)
* when I get home, take Harley for a walk
* eat breakfast and then give Harley his breakfast

That would be a good start to any day. I can work on the rest of the day later on. Right now I need to concentrate on getting going in the morning. I think that Harley will improve his behavior and temperament by being a part of this. I need to set him straight on who is in charge in this relationship. And that would of course be me!

So I have a skeleton of a plan. I can work with that until I come up with what needs to be added next. One thing that I do need to do later today is go to the store and get healthy, real food, not junk food. And I need to get a haircut. My hair looks really sloppy which makes me want to isolate myself from the real world. But I can get that taken care of in the morning at Cost Cutters. Getting a haircut will help me to feel better about myself. I want my hair out of my eyes and looking like all one length instead of what I have now.

Dang it! I've got the hiccups. Where did they come from? It's all that crap I've been ingesting lately.

So there it all is. No more secrets, no more hiding things (mostly from myself). It feels good to cleaer the air and put things into perspective. My goal, that I don't work toward, is to be in better shape at age 50 than I have been in my 30's and 40's. I still have hope that I can attain that goal. It will take focus, determination and sacrifice but I'm willing to do it to reach my goal. It all can get going in the right direction by just getting out there and taking a walk. Do I have the motivation and determination to do it? I guess we will see.

Brrr. Chill. Brrr.

Somehow I made it through the night and slept a little bit too. I was having very weird dreams all night long so I don't feel rested. It's cold and wet out this morning so I'm not going walking yet. I think it's supposed to be cold and wet most of the day today. I'll have my bowl of cereal in just a few minutes. Then I'll take my meds and probably head back to bed for a little while. It'll be warmer in bed! It's only 46 degrees out right now. Brrr. Chill. Brrr. It's probably nice walking weather out there since it's so cool but I'd like it to get just a bit warmer before I walk. I think the high today is only supposed to reach 60 degrees. Off to have my bowl of cereal.

High anxiety

We're in Week 3 of FF now. I'm learning a lot about myself through this class and my awareness level has really gone up. Sometimes I don't feel as committed to this weight loss journey as I wish I was. I'm still not walking regularly and my eating is way off. I know that I'm doing better than I have in a long time but I think I'm discouraged because I haven't lost any weight in the last 3 months. Fall is here which means cooler weather and I'm not sure I'll get myself out there to walk. I'm going to have to do something for the fall and winter though. I don't want to gain anymore weight. I need to get back into a routine.

I'm up in the middle of the night because I'm having anxiety. It's so bad it woke me up. I'm not sure why I'm having anxiety though. It sure doesn't feel good. I think that seeing the reality of where I'm at in this journey may be contributing to the anxiety tonight. I haven't given up though. I'm not going to throw my hands up in the air and say 'well, that's my last chance'. As long as I'm breathing there is opportunity for change.

I know that I am afraid of losing weight. I'm afraid to look good again. I'm not sure what the fear is though. It's probably not a real fear as much as it is old stuff coming up again. I think that if I lose weight that then I'll think that things have to be perfect. I know that's not true though. I guess I should spend some time thinking about what's really going on and dealing with it. I need to talk to Marianne about it going forward. I'd like to figure out what the fear is all about. I'd like to say that I'll get up in the morning and go for a walk, but I just don't know if I will or not. Being up in the middle of the night doesn't help much. David would be home to watch Harley so I could do my 40 minute walk. It would feel good to do it again. All my walks lately have been short because I take Harley with me and he can't and shouldn't do 40 minutes yet.

This freakin' anxiety is really bugging me. I ran out of one of my medications (Abilify) and I'm not sure what part that is playing in this. The rx is $200 for three months. It's just too expensive. But I also don't want to feel like this either. I'm afraid to go back to bed because I don't want to lie in bed and feel anxious. Maybe if I take some Tylenol it will help me to get back to sleep without the anxiety. I am sore and that might be contributing to the anxiety too.

Anyway, I'd like to get back on track and be walking every day and eating better. I actually had a Cherry Coke earlier tonight. Hey, wait a minute. Maybe that's why I'm having anxiety. The caffeine in the Cherry Coke is probably getting to me. I haven't had a soda in about 3 months. It can't be a coincidence that I have a Coke and I wake up from anxiety. I won't drink one of those again. It's not worth it. And I didn't really enjoy it much anyway. It gave me the hiccups and made me burp a lot. Yuck! I bet that's it. It's the Cherry Coke haunting me like Jacob Marley.

First week of Faithfully Fit

Okay, so I've started the FF class. I've copied the scriptures and food for thought for each day. It's amazing to see how little I have trusted in God on this journey. I realize while I've been on my walks that God's creation is awesome and I really appreciate it up on the Mesa but I haven't turned over this journey to the Lord. I haven't given myself over to the Lord. I've been trying to do this in my power and I'm sure that's why I haven't walked since we got Harley. I've been having such a hard time getting into a routine but I can't let that be an excuse. I need to ask God for help getting back into a routine. I can't do it on my own. Harley takes up so much of my day, in a good way, that I forget to take care of myself. I haven't even been eating most days because I get so involved with Harley.

I miss my walks and I need to get back to walking again. I miss Palmer Park too. It's so beautiful up there. I struggle with whether I should take Harley up there with me because there are so many dogs off leash. I wouldn't want him to get traumatized by another dog. That would make things difficult. So, I just don't walk because I don't want to leave him home alone every morning. He needs to get used to that though until I feel safe bringing him up on the Mesa.

My eating has been atrocious this week. Actually it's been bad for about 2 months now (since David took vacation in July). I was doing so much better when I was walking and eating healthier. During vacation we ate out all the time and we've kept doing that for the last 2 months! It's got to stop. I think I've shopped for groceries maybe once in the last 2 months. That tells you how things have been. I almost don't miss good food anymore and that's not a good thing at all. If I can just get myself out there and walk then I know that I'll eat better. They always go hand in hand.

I have been keeping busy and moving a lot with Harley. I'm not just sitting in my chair and staring. I don't have time to do that. I try to get out there and walk Harley as often as I can but I'm not doing that enough either. I've got to walk him at least 2 times a day. If I could take him on my walk in the morning and to the mailbox in the afternoon he'd probably do a whole lot better (although he is quite perfect now ;) ). But it's not the 40 minutes that I'm used to walking each day.

I'm going to cut myself some slack here though because I am doing the best I can considering all the changes that have happened in the last few weeks. I'm a bit nervous about the weekend because we usually eat out a lot and I just don't want to do that. I need to go to the grocery store and get things that I know that I will eat. Most food just doesn't appeal to me anymore. Fast food appeals to me because it's so bland and nondescript. And it's already cooked. I don't have to deal with raw foods and preparing foods. It's not that I'm lazy, I get sick just thinking of raw foods. Yuck!

Okay, that's it for tonight. I'm going to try to at least blog every day about how I'm doing and what I'm thinking. It's a good way for me to stay accountable. And I'll ask God to help me with this whole journey.

Getting back on track

I start the Faithfully Fit class on Monday. It will be interesting to see how it effects my hiking, which I haven't done for 2 weeks now because of back pain caused by bending over for Harley. I need to get back on track and FF is the answer. I need to be accountable again. It's a six week course so that will give me a firm foundation again. I have been getting out to walk Harley around the cul de sac or to the mailbox. Walking doesn't seem to bother my back. It hurts when I'm lying down or getting up or down. I can feel the pain in my back when I sit but it's not overwhelming. I know that walking would make it feel better and help it to get stronger. I'd like to try to go walking later this morning but I'm not sure I'll get out there because I'm up now. I wasn't going to weigh myself until I saw Dr. Fouss but I'll probably have to weigh in for the FF class. I'll have to drag the scale out from underneath the bed.

I'm excited to start the FF class. I can use the motivation and support through the forum. Being accountable is important to me. This class will keep me accountable. There are already forms out there to be filled out. I'll probably work on them sometime today. I don't have the book yet so I won't be able to do all of the assignments. I can be patient though.

I've been so busy with Harley that I haven't been taking care of myself as far as the hiking goes. I want to get out there and walk again.

Hurt my back

I hurt my back yesterday and wasn't able to walk this morning. I think I'm just going to not worry about walking until next week. Gabe is here so I want to spend as much time with him as I can and I'm still getting Harley into a routine. Once I'm back to a routine he'll fit nicely into it. The vet said that I shouldn't walk him until he's done with all his puppy shots which won't be until mid October but I can walk him around the cul de sac to get him used to leash training. Anyway, my back is killing me. I am having trouble getting up and getting down. I'm not sure how it will feel walking so I'm just going to give it all a rest until I get back into the routine next week.

My eating hasn't been the best because I haven't really been hungry and I'm still not liking food too much. Cereal is my friend.

Good news!

I haven't walked for a few days but it's not because of my knee. It's because we got a puppy, a nine week old puppy. He's a Retriever named Harley. We've only had him for a few days so we're still getting everything worked out. I think that I should be able to start walking again tomorrow though because Gabe is coming out and David has the next five days off. He'll be able to watch Harley Wednesday and Friday morning while I walk. Thursday they might be gone early to play golf so I may take that day off or go later after they get home (weather conditions permitting). We've been having some incredible hail storms. I hope to never get caught in one of those.


It's interesting but I'm not feeling bad about not walking. Don't get me wrong, I want to get out there and walk, but I'm not getting on myself about not getting out there. It's kind of stressful adapting to having a puppy in the house and I'm going to give myself a break here. I know I'll get out there, not only because I want to, but I'm looking forward to when I can bring Harley with me up to Palmer Park. It will be a great place to socialize him. Although, he's pretty social already.

I feel better when I'm walking. My knee's not hurting very much anymore. I think that getting out there and walking really helped. It's still a bit sore but not nearly as bad as it was just last week. My crown is still broke but it's not bothering me either. I have a dentist appointment next Tuesday and I'll have them take care of it then (or at least schedule it to be taken care of). The only thing that I can complain about it being tired, but I think that's my meds. I'm sleeping better through the night now that Harley is here. I still take my morning nap after meds but I don't sleep all day now. I feel like I have a purpose with Harley being here and part of that is to get out there and walk. So, I'm going to do my best to get out there and walk tomorrow and Friday for sure and maybe even Thursday.

Some good news: I'm able to wear the size 44 jeans now instead of the 46 (they are mens jeans). That's progress. I feel like I'm doing okay. I'm still eating too much junk but I'll get that under control slowly but surely. Still haven't had a soda. I was almost tempted yesterday because I was so stressed after my first day with Harley, but I thought better of it and decided to just have water and lemonade from home. I'm glad that I didn't give in to the temptor (Coke a Cola lol).

So I'm being kind to myself and also doing my best to be healthier. I'm happy with that.

The knee bone is connected to the broken crown

I don't know if I'll get a walk in tomorrow morning. A crown I had put in 3 months ago broke last night and there is a sharp edge that's hurting my tongue. It's making me feel miserable. Anyway, the dentist opens at 8am tomorrow so I'll need to be there then. I've got to get this taken care of ASAP. Also, my knee is killing me tonight. It actually felt better while I was walking than it has the whole rest of the day. It's frustrating. I want to get out there and walk. I'm not going to make any changes in my weight if I can't exercise. And because I'm feeling so discouraged tonight I ate some junk food. I've already taken my night meds along with a pain killer and hope to have some relief soon. I'll probably go to bed soon so I can get my knee feeling comfortable.

I will be doing a lot of walking around tomorrow at the doggie adoption fairs so that will be good but I still want to get in my walk up at Palmer Park. I'll have to just see how things go tomorrow. I bet if I could take an anti-inflammatory I wouldn't even have this problem. It's frustrating that I can't take one anymore because of the GFR issue. But I guess I'd rather have pain than lose kidney function.

I actually haven't had much to eat today anyhow because of this crown hurting my tongue. Just swallowing hurts. Even drinking hurts. But what I did eat wasn't very healthy. Glad I couldn't eat much of it.

My meds are kicking in so I'm going to quit blogging for now.

I DID IT

I did it! I went for a walk this morning and I did my usual loop (about 40 minutes). My knee hurt a bit but I was able to keep up my normal pace. Woohoo! My low back also hurt some but it's already feeling better. It felt so good to get out there and walk.

I was thinking last night that I've made a rule for myself that I need to go walk as soon as I get up and that if I don't get up early enough I can't go for a walk. That's silly. It doesn't matter what time I get up. I can go walking anytime during the day. And it doesn't have to be when I first get up although I do prefer to walk then and get it done with and have an accomplishment chalked up early in the morning. So I'm going to banish that old rule and the new rule is that there is no rule. ;)

Tomorrows stumbling block to get over is David being home. I don't know why that should have such an impact but it does. I usually feel uncomfortable when I leave the house while he's home. That's something I need to continue working on in therapy. I know there's nothing wrong with me going for a walk and leaving David home but I don't feel like it's okay. He could always choose to come with me but I don't really see that happening most of the time. So I need to get comfortable with getting out there on my own even if David is home.

I'm still struggling over the dog issue. Is it the right thing to do or not? I know I don't have to get a dog. There's no pressure there. I want my next dog to be the right dog for David and for me. I can't let this stress get to me and allow me to overeat or eat junk food. I'm definitely going to watch what I eat today.

Stinkin' knee pain

My leg was hurting again today when I got up. The cramping in the hamstring was terrible. So, I didn't walk again today. It feels a whole lot better now though. I can only hope that it will feel okay in the morning and I'll be able to get out there and walk. It stinks not being able to walk for exercise. I feel like I ate too much today because we went out for dinner tonight. It's David's birthday so we went out to celebrate. I only ate half of my meal but I did drink a lot of tea. That's probably why I feel so full.

I got up at 9:30am this morning and I haven't taken a nap at all. That's huge for me. I'd like to have a similar type day tomorrow. I know Saturday I'll be up and excited since the adoption fairs will be happening. And since I'll be up early I'll try to get out there and walk at Palmer Park.

I did a lot of good work with Marianne today. The more I can learn about myself the less messed up I will feel. And the better I feel the less I'll compulsively eat. I know I need to eat more than I am but it needs to be veggies and fruits and whole grains. I'm still not eating the right stuff. My big accomplishment is not having had soda for quite a while now. I don't even crave it anymore. And even though I haven't walked for a week I know I've walked more than not over the last two months. I'm miles ahead of where I was in the beginning of June.

Well it's getting late so I better get to bed. I know I'll be up during the night so I need to get a few hours in before I'm up again. I can't even remember the last time I slept through the night. It's literally been years. Oh well, I make up for it during the day. lol

The knee bones connected to the hamstring...

I still haven't been out walking. Not only is my knee hurting back now my hamstring area is hurting too. I'm thinking that it's getting worse because I'm not walking. So, tomorrow I'll get out there and walk and see what happens. My eating has been atrocious the last week. I definitely need to do something about that. Still haven't had a soda though. I think I've been eating poorly because I am stressed and sad. I am sad about giving up my dogs. I miss all of them. I really regret giving them up. I talked to David and told him I'd like to think about getting another dog, a therapy dog. I'm still not quite sure how I feel about getting another dog so I'm holding off on making any decisions. I know I'm lonely being home all day by myself and I feel like I have no reason to even get up each day. I don't know if those are good reasons to get a dog though. Mostly I just want one. So I'm stressed thinking about this again and I'm eating constantly (or what seems to be constantly) and I'm mostly eating junk. Not a good place to be.

Today I slept the whole day away. I didn't get up finally until 1:30pm. I would wake up every few hours and get something to eat but then I'd just go back to bed again. I feel like I have no purpose so what's the point in being up. Once I did get up I did some stuff around the house. That made me feel better. I wish I could feel better though even when I'm not doing something.

I thought about walking this afternoon but changed my mind when I saw the temperature - 90 degrees! Way too hot for me to go walking. I can just be patient and go up to Palmer Park in the morning. I like it up there that time of day. I wish I could get myself to go walking in the evenings, just when the sun is going down and it's cooling off but it's hard for me to get out there that time of day. So, early in the morning is going to have to be my walk time until it starts cooling down during the day.

I don't look forward to winter coming. I worry so much about driving in bad weather. The road up to Palmer Park is steep and curvy so I'd be afraid to drive up there in bad weather. I could just walk around the neighborhood on those days when the roads aren't so good.

One good thing that sleeping all day did for me is that my leg doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did last night. I really think it's hurting because I'm NOT walking. Going for a walk would stretch it out and probably make it feel better so I'll make an attempt tomorrow morning. I miss walking and want to get back to it.

Doing the right thing

I didn't walk again on Sunday because of my right knee. I can tell that staying off of it is helping. Also, Lisa suggested that I ice it and that helped too. I think I'll take one more day off and then try to do my usual walk. I can always cut it short if my knee hurts too much. My eating wasn't too bad on Sunday. I seemed to have more control that most days. I wanted junk, I just chose not to get it. I need to start eating healthier meals though. I'm running on empty with just eating cereal and PB&J sandwiches. I need to get fruits and veggies back in the diet. The problem is that they just don't appeal to me right now. I'm going to have to make myself eat healthy foods whether they appeal to me or not. If I make fruits and veggies available to myself by having them at the house, there is a better chance I would chose them over carb loaded foods.

I feel like I've actually gained weight. I know I'm not going to lose any weight until I change my eating habits. I've also been drinking too much sugar laden drinks (lemonade, oj, fruit punch, raspberry tea, etc.). My walking isn't making a difference except to help me maintain the weight I'm at and that's not the point. The point is to lose weight. I see Dr. Fouss in 4 or 5 weeks and I really wanted to have lost some weight. It's great that I'm walking and not drinking sodas but now I need to work on the eating. I have stuff for protein shakes so I need to use it. I need to turn things around mentally too. I'm really depressed and that keeps me from wanting to do anything. I feel like I just don't know how to get into a routine, which would help me tremendously.

I'm not sure why I feel like the wheels are falling off on this journey I'm on but I do feel that way. I've got to spend some time thinking about how I can get on track and stay on track. It seems like something is always getting in the way. I don't know how to allow myself to make my life a priority. I struggle with needed to take care of other people first and getting to me when I can. I think that's just a cop out though. Is it that I don't really want to do any of this? Sometimes I think the answer to that question is 'yes'. I feel like it's pointless to try at my age. I don't know why I feel like that though. Lots of people my age get in shape. I can do it too if I just put my mind to it. Who am I kidding? It's not that simple. I have to fight through this depression all the time - the loss of interest, the concentration problems, the sadness. It's too much on most days. I can decide that I'm going to have a good day and then I just don't. I need to get to a point where it doesn't matter how I'm feeling, that I get out there and walk and I eat right.

I need to be patient with myself. I am making changes. I need to give myself some credit for that. It didn't happen overnight that I got to weigh 276 pounds and it's not going to happen overnight that I lose 116 pounds either. I just know that I want to weigh less on my 50th birthday than I do on my 49th. Significantly less.

I'm up in the middle of the night again and really should get back to bed. I have an appointment with Marianne later today so I better get my sleep.

Still in pain

My knee has been hurting all day. I took a pain killer but it hasn't helped much at all. It feels inflamed but I can't take anything for it. I'll have to research what I can do for inflammation besides takes meds. I missed walking today. I hope it feels better by tomorrow.

My eating hasn't been great today but not bad either. We went out to lunch with David's brother, Ronnie, and I had a half a burger and some fries with water to drink. In the afternoon I had a butterscotch shake. It's 7:15pm and I haven't had anything for dinner yet. I'm not really hungry because of all I've had to eat today. Lisa posted a couple of pictures on facebook of their trip to Chicago and there was this great looking hot dog. Made me want a real hot dog. At least I got to see the picture. I won't even mention the picture of the pastry shop they stopped at (yummy!).

Must. Not. Think. About. Pastries.

lol

Pain

I didn't walk this morning because my knee HURTS! It hurts just walking around the house. It feels like it could be the miniscus or MCL. If it hurts through the weekend I'll have to go see Dr. Jenkins. I don't want it to get any worse because it sure is painful. I'm going to keep an eye on it and if the pain goes away I may try going for a short walk later today. But the way it's feeling right now, I don't think that's going to happen. David's brother is here visiting and he is going to take us out to lunch. I'm going to go easy on the leg today.

Continuation

It's 3:30am and I'm up. My knee doesn't hurt quite as much now that's I've rested it for a few hours. That's hopeful. I sure don't want a knee problem to get in the way of my walking.

I can't remember what I was going to blog about regarding the Cripple Creek trip. Guess I'll have to go back and look at the entry and remind myself.

**

So, as I was saying in the other post, I was doing my best to let me be my reference point. When I did that the conversation got a lot more interesting. I realized that I do have ideas and opinions of my own. ;)

I got home at about 5:30pm and David was in bed taking a nap. As soon as I hit the house the stress came back which meant that the eating came back too. I had a hot dog for dinner and an ice cream for dessert. Around 8:30pm David asked if I wanted to go for a drive. We went to the CU and then to Sonic where I had another ice cream. I didn't feel too good after eating it. I should have said 'no' when David asked me to go there. Why do I have such a hard time saying 'no' to him? I think that part of the reason why I give in is because he's trying to do something to make me happy (he thinks) and I don't want to take that joy away from him. Realistically though I know that he just wants an ice cream and it's more comfortable for him if I participate in the 'activity' by getting an icr cream too. Not healthy behavior.

So I'm thinking that my walking is necessary just to keep me from gaining more weight. Losing the weight isn't going to happen if I keep eating the junk food. I've got to make a commitment to eating healthy foods and saying 'no' to junk food. I don't know how much I weigh but I know it's a lot. I'm afraid that I may have gained weight by eating all the junk food lately. But at least I am walking and I have cut out soda. Those are two very important pieces of this puzzle.

I am making progress. I need to remind myself of that. It may be baby steps but at least I'm heading in the right direction. Overall I feel pretty good about yesterday because I got myself out of the house and didn't eat snacks all day long like I did the day before. Thankfully there is only one package of snacks left (yes, I ate most of the other stuff that my sister sent). If she offers again to send a 'care package' I need to tell her not to send snacks. I was doing the same thing with her that I do with David - I was saying 'yes' so I wouldn't hurt her feelings or disappoint her. But it did hurt me and I need to stop doing that to myself.

I should go back to bed. We have company coming in the morning and I need to get up early to get a walk in. Hopefully my knee will hold out.

Knee hurts

It's late and I'm going to bed but I just want to say that my knee really hurts. I can barely walk on it tonight. I'll have to see how it is in the morning. Goodnight.

What a difference a day can make

I went for a walk this morning. I didn't go until about 9am because when I got up earlier it was 52 degrees and there was dense fog. I did my usual loop in about 40 minutes. I was so glad to get out there and walk. My knee is bothering me more today though. It's kind of catching when I bend it. It's not too painful but I can feel it.



When I got home from my walk I had breakfast and got the laundry going. Then I took my morning nap. After my nap I got back to doing the laundry. Kitty called me in the afternoon and asked if I wanted to go out for a drive with her. My first reaction was to say 'no' because I wasn't sure how David would feel about me going out but I decided that I needed to go out so I said 'yes'. I was kind of panicky when I called David to tell him that I was going out. I wasn't asking if it was okay I was just telling him what I was doing. He didn't seemed too thrilled but I expected that reaction from him. So I took a shower and Kitty picked me up around 1:30pm.

We went downtown and had lunch at Quiznos. We both had a turkey, bacon & guacamole sub. It was delicious and nutritious. I also got a raspberry iced tea to take with me on the drive. It started raining as we headed up the pass but we just kept going. Kitty was really thoughtful about her driving knowing that I'm a nervous passenger. She is a a very good driver. She made me feel very comfortable which is good because we went on a 2+ hour drive up to Cripple Creek. We took a different road up there that I've never been on before. I was a gorgeous ride especially once the rain stopped.


We talked about all kinds of things while we were driving - religion, God, Jesus, politics, kids, dogs, you name it we talked about it. It was so much fun. The only thing that could have made it better was if Lisa had been with the two of us. But I had a great time with Kitty. I was happy because I didn't spend the whole drive thinking about David. I was able to relax and enjoy our ride. I did realize when I paid attention to my thoughts that my reference point for everything is David. I had to keep myself from relating everything to him. I gave it a valiant effort. lol

**

We're going out for a ride so I'll continue this later.

Old patterns

Up in the middle of the night again. I'm not feeling great because of all the junk I ate yesterday. I have a stomach ache and a sugar headache. Both are well deserved.

I spent some time last night thinking about what may have brought on the uncontrolled eating and I think I came up with something. I was feeling lonely and sad but didn't want to deal with those feelings, so I ate and slept. There was a convergence of situations that led to the perfect eating storm - Marianne was out of town visiting family, Lisa had left town for her family vacation and David was taking a nap. I felt alone. David has the duty pager this week and doesn't get home until after 4pm as it is and then he went in and took a nap around 7pm. I was just plain feeling lonely.

People who I love and care about were away from me and that made me sad. I think that if just one situation happened I would have been okay, but all three together on the same day was a bit much for me. I've never really allowed myself to acknowledge feelings like loneliness and sadness when it comes to other people. I'm supposed to be tough and strong and independent. Why those traits mean that I can't have feelings is beyond me. I was missing my best friend, my therapist and my husband. I felt lonely and sad. I couldn't acknowledge those feelings to myself so I slept and ate more than I should have.

I think that I may have been able to avoid the familiar trap of eating and sleeping my feelings away if I had come to terms with why I was sad and lonely.

I don't think I've ever really taken the time to figure this kind of thing out before. I would just feel bad about eating and sleeping and tell myself I was a bad person. So this is progress that I was able to come to the conclusion that I'm sad and lonely and because I felt that way and it was uncomfortable for me, I ate and slept instead of feeling "bad". I didn't want to admit that I need these people in my life.

The interesting thing is that I can call, text, email or Skype with Lisa while she's gone and I can call or email Marianne too. But I wasn't able to see that. I could only see that I was being "left behind" (not purposely by them but in my heart I felt that). The logical adult side of me is fine with people going to be with their families. I can understand. But the little girl inside of me is so used to being discarded that she gets very emotional during times like this. And just when it was hard enough with Marianne and Lisa going out of town on the same day, David came home later in the day and then took a nap. It was just a bit more than my pea brain could handle at one time. So I slept and ate junk food to avoid the anxiety.

The wonderful thing that happened was that Lisa texted me, I was able to email Marianne to tell her how I was feeling, Brad called me and David got up from his nap. No one has really left me at all. The little girl in me was just scared and when she gets scared she mentally sits behind the couch eating dog biscuits saying "Oh, poor me". Physically that looks like me on an eating and sleeping binge.

So, instead of tip toeing around this I'm going to admit that I'm a bit lost with Marianne and Lisa being out of town. I miss them. I miss having them nearby "just in case" I need them. I am happy that they are spending time with family but sad that they are away. I'm going to allow myself to want to be in touch with them while they are out of town. It's okay that I want to hear from them while they are gone. It's okay to feel sad and lonely.

The nap situation with David is sort of the same thing. I needed someone because I was feeling lonely and the person I have to go to, David, was either not home or when home was napping. I never told him that I was sad and lonely and that I needed his company. I didn't reach out to other friends either. I just tried to rough it out myself and I ended up eating and sleeping too much. Next time I need to reach out and acknowledge how I feel. I spend most of my time alone so it's okay to not want to be alone the rest of the time too.

One thing I need to do is reassure myself that people haven't left me, that they are just a little further away. I mean, gosh, Lisa brought a netbook so we (and her other friends) can Skype while she's gone. That really helps with the object constancy issue I deal with daily. I need to not react to my little girl feelings and instead remind myself what a wonderful therapist I have and how awesome my friends are.

I turn to eating and sleeping because that is what my mother taught me to do. When things got too rough to handle she would eat a lot and sleep a lot. I learned by watching her. I don't think she purposely wanted me to do these things like she did but it turned out that way anyhow. Now I have to find an alternative to eating and sleeping that helps me to deal with the uncomfortable feelings. First thing I could do is just sit with the feelings and feel uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with doing that. I need to acknowledge my feelings. Then, instead of eating or sleeping, I need to get out there and walk or do things around the house, especially creative things. I know how to turn those emotions into art and be creative. It's doing it that's the issue. It's hard to break old patterns.

I don't feel anxious right now. I feel calm and peaceful. I'm sad that people I love and care about are away, but I'm okay with being sad. That just shows how much I love and care about them. And it shows that I love and care about me too. I am allowing my feelings to come to the forefront. That is a good thing.

I can now accept the physical distance between me others and realize that in my heart they are always close to me.

Well, it's almost 4:30am so I better get back to bed. I'm hoping to go walking later this morning. Right now it's 52 degrees out and dense fog. I'm sure that will clear up by the time I get up to go walking. I really need to walk today. Walking out some of these feelings would be helpful. I'm not going to be embarrassed that this has happened to me (having feelings, eating, sleeping). I'm not going to let it be a reason for me to fail. I can pick myself up and get back on track right now. Okay, off to bed for me.

Not so great today

I'm not doing so well today. I slept all morning and didn't get up until almost 1pm. I did go out to run a couple of errands. It was cold (54 degrees) and rainy. My eating has been out of control today. I just can't stop eating snacks. It's 2:30pm and I've already had about 5 snacks. I'm not sure what's going on that I'm eating so much. There must be some feeling I'm trying to avoid but I don't know what it is. Because of the rain, I didn't go for a walk. Three days off now. It's July 30th and 54 degrees out. What is going on? If it wasn't raining it would be a good day for a walk. I think part of the reason I'm not feeling well is that I haven't been sleeping through the night. I ran out of Trazadone which helps me to sleep. Thankfully I got my prescription refill today.

I'd like to say that I'll try to do better the rest of the day, but I know I'm going to continue to eat today. Maybe I can do some journaling and see where that leads me. I'm still going to take this a day at a time. Each day is a new opportunity for me. I can do this.

Motivation

Okay, so it's been a couple days since I walked. I think that part of the reason I haven't walked is just to tell myself it's okay when I don't walk. I still matter and I'm not a bad person if I don't walk. I'm going to take my victories where they are though. Still haven't had a soda. I'm not craving one but it was just habit to get one and it's sometimes hard to not get one. I'm sure I would not feel well after drinking a soda so I won't do it. And I'm not getting loads of junk food to eat. That is really good. My jeans don't feel as tight. I don't know if that's just wishful thinking or if something is really happening. I know I'm feeling better physically though. My knee and low back are still acting up but I'm not gong to let that stop me from walking. I may need to get shots in my SI joints at some point. I want to get out there and walk tomorrow. I hope it's cool out in the morning for my walk. I'm having trouble sleeping through the night so it's hard for me to get up early in the morning and be awake enough to drive safely. I could walk around the neighborhood but it's not an enjoyable walk. I'd rather go up to Palmer Park. I like seeing all the dogs on the trail.

I had an appointment with Marianne today. At the end of the session we talked about my true, authentic self. Walking is part of the true me. I really like walking. I want it to be an enjoyable activity not an obligation. Once it becomes an obligation, I'll stop walking. I know I will. I don't want that to happen. Those 40 minutes that I walk are a good opportunity for me to think through things. It always makes me feel better physically, mentally and spiritually to walk. I think part of it is where I walk. It's so relaxing up on the Mesa. I'm so glad that Lisa showed me where the trail is.

The only somewhat negative thing today is that my very thoughtful sister sent me a "care package" that was just snacks for me and David. They are snacks that I can only get back in New England. I'll put them in the fridge so I can just pull one out once in a while as a treat. I'm not telling myself I can't ever have a treat. That would be deprivation and basically that's just planning to fail. I'm not going to let that happen.

I should be able to get out there and walk the next four days. I hope I can stay motivated.

Sleepy

I haven't walked yet today. Not sure if I'll even get a walk in. I was up in the middle of the night and had trouble getting back to sleep. When I woke up this morning I was too tired to go walking. It's a cool day today. Would be good walking weather. In about an hour I'm going to go over to Lisa's and hang out for a while. I don't feel very motivated this morning. Maybe I'll pick up some steam as the day goes by. I still have laundry and dishes to contend with but I don't feel like doing either of those chores right now. Basically it's just a down day for me.

I did it

I got out there and walked this morning. I was up at 6:30am and at Palmer Park by 7:20am. I walked until about 8am. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do my whole loop but it went so much better than I thought it would. I did my usual loop in the usual 40 minutes. It was cool out there so I wore sweats and a long sleeve shirt. It got a little hot by the end of the walk but not unbearable. I was so glad that I got out there and walked. One day at a time. One day at a time.

The core of me

It's 3:40am and I'm up. I'm not sure why. Could be the slight discomfort I feel in my stomach from eating junk yesterday. Could be that I'm not tiring myself out during the day by walking and instead am sleeping the day away. I'm also out of one of my two sleep meds. It's on it's way and should be here within a couple of days. I could take some Benadryl tonight to help me to get back to sleep. That might help. I'm worried that since I'm up now, I won't be able to get up to go walking later this morning. I keep saying I'm not giving up and I really do mean it but I've got to get back on track for it to mean anything.

I am very proud of myself for this weekend because I had a real strong urge to drink soda but I didn't. It's so hard to see David enjoying a soda. I think about how good it would taste but then I realize that it's been about 7 weeks since I last had a soda and I don't want to ruin that streak. I don't really want a soda. It's just because I see David with one all the time that I think I need one. But I don't need one. I've been walking more than not over the last 2 months and I've stayed away from soda. That's quite an accomplishement. I can't change everything all at once. It's too overwhelming to try to do that. So I'm going to take my pat on the back from making the changes that I have made so far.

I know that I'm eating to quiet feelings that I'm having. Uncomfortable feelings. I need to use what I learned in DBT about distress tolerance. I need to sit with my discomfort and not eat my way out of it (which is what I've been doing). I won't be able to discover what is going on inside me if I keep eating my feelings away. There is a lot to be learned by sitting with my discomfort. I need to get to the root of my problems. I need to get to the core of me. It's hard to get there with so much food in the way. I can dwell on the food and how bad I feel about eating the food instead of feeling the core feeling and dealing with that. What is at the core of me?

I know there is a lot of fear. I live a very fear based life. I'm so afraid of disappointing people and truthfully it gives me an excuse to give in to the unhealthy way of living. I have to want this for me and I don't think I've bought into that yet. Things won't change until I do buy into it. What keeps me from believing that I deserve a better life? Sometimes I get distracted by thinking that there really is no hope for me, that things will never change. But is that just a way for me to let myself off the hook? I think it is. I fear change. I tell myself that it's not fair to change the rules of the game so late in the game. I say it's not fair to other people. Maybe it's really that it's not fair to me. I think I have given up on myself. I feel like there really is no future for me except to just exist. I want more than that though, more than just existing. I'd like to know that my life has meaning. That's not going to happen though if I keep making food the most important thing in my life.

Just another day

I slept most of the day today. No walk this morning because of the weather (overcast and rain). I want to get out there in the morning and go for a walk. I ate junk food and fast food today. I was feeling discouraged and just gave in. But I still haven't given up. I know I can get back on track. I just need to get out there and walk. I'm going to try to get up early tomorrow and go to Palmer Park. I've missed my walks up there. We had a big rainstorm today so I'm wondering what the trail will be like in the morning. If it's going to be cool tomorrow, I may go up a little bit later so the trail has a chance to dry out. I'm sure parts of the trail will be muddy no matter what time I go up there. The majority of it should be okay by the morning unless there is more rain tonight. I'm feeling sick from eating that junk food today. When will I learn?

I'm not giving up

It's Saturday night. I haven't walked for a few days. I haven't given up though. I miss my walks. My eating hasn't been very good the last few days either. I wonder how much of it is related to the work I'm doing with Marianne and how much is related to David being off for four days. I feel like my routine just won't fall into place. I can't let that defeat me though. Lisa told me something tonight that meant the world to me. She said that we are friends whether I walk every day or not and whether I eat right or not. It was something I needed to hear today. I don't think that I was consciously thinking that way, but as soon as she said it I felt great relief. I know that Lisa, Kitty, Lynn and Marianne like me because I'm me not because of what I do. I know in my head that's true but that doesn't always reach my heart, my spirit. But tonight it did reach me. I felt it. That's progress.

I think there is a part of me that wanted to take a few days off just to see if I could get back to walking again. It's taht black or white thinking - either I'm walking every day or I've quit. But that's not true. There is a middle ground. I can walk when I want to walk and take days off when I want to take days off. Of course that's easy to think but hard for me to put into practice. If I can really take in that the walking is for me, not for anyone else, then it will make it easier for me.

I feel like I've gained back any weight that I've lost. I don't know if it's true or not because I still haven't weighed myself but it feels true. I can't get caught up in the numbers though. This is a work in progress and it's going to take time. I have to be patient and be kind to myself. This is about taking care of me not impressing anyone. Or more accurately it's not about pleasing anyone else. I always think more about how this will effect others than how it will effect me. That needs to change. I need to change because it's what is best for me not because I think other people will feel more comfortable with me. I don't have to prove by work or deed that I deserve the relationships I have in my life. I deserve them because God wants the best for me and he has definitely chosen the best friends for me. God wants me to be as healthy and happy as I can be. I have to want those things for myself too.

I don't know if I'll get out to walk tomorrow but Monday I'll get back to walking for sure. I was thinking that I should walk during the week, in the morning, when David is at work and take the weekends off but I realize that's doing the same thing that I'm trying to fight against. If it wasn't so hot out I could walk later in the morning but as it is I have to be out there around 7am to take advantage of the cooler weather. It's not going to be as hot the next few days but it looks like there might be more rain in the forecast. Getting out there early would probably keep me from the rain.

With Marianne's help I'm going to work on the out of control eating (which usually means out of control spending too) and hopefully in time I will get a handle on it. I have to figure out why I'm overeating and substitue something else for eating that will get me through the feelings or situation that makes me want to eat. My mom always "fixed" stressful situations by cooking and eating. It was the one thing that she did that wasn't hurtful so I grabbed on to it. So I got used to taking care of stress with eating. I know that's not unique to me. I know there are lots of people out there who deal with this same thing. Even though it's nice to know I'm not the only one, it's doesn't bring me a lot of solace knowing that. It is a very lonely place to be.

Something else that Lisa said tonight was helpful. She said that whatever I wanted to do was fine she just wanted to encourage me in the things that I'm trying to do. I appreciated her saying that. Kitty, Lynn and Marianne have been very encouraging too. I really need to take that encouragement in and use it to my advantage. I'm not quite sure what that would look like right now but I'm willing to wait it out until I do.

Why do I give in to things I don't want to do? I don't want to overeat or eat junk food but sometimes I do. I know that walking is great for me but I give in to the idea of taking the day off. There are many things in my life that I don't necessarily want to do, but I do them anyway because I don't want to disappoint anyone. Mostly this happens with David. I quite often find myself thinking that I don't want to do something for him or with him only to find myself doing it anyhow. That was my life growing up - always doing things I didn't really want to do so people wouldn't get mad at me or make me feel like I was a disappointment to them. I've basically given up being me. But that is going to change. I don't really know who I am or what I like or how I feel about things so it will be an adventure finding out.

There was just a commerical on TV about food. Just looking at the food makes me feel ill. Most food seems icky to me right now. I have lots of fruits and veggies in the house but none of it appeals to me. Cheese seems gross. Meat. Yech! I can't stand meat right now. If it's pre-cooked and prepared then I can eat it but preparing raw meat - no way! Preparing raw anything makes me queasy. Eggs - no can do. Not even eggbeaters. I'm going to have to get this figured out too.

So, I'm going to get up tomorrow and do what feels right for me, whatever that may be. It's almost 1am so I don't think I'll be getting up early in the morning anyway. It feels good to get back to this blog and share how I'm feeling. Getting it out there in the open takes away it's power.

There's always tomorrow

Okay, so today wasn't a good day for me. I didn't go for a walk and I ate more junk food than I should have. I think I've been discouraged by the lack of weight loss so I've been giving in to the cravings. I guess I have a "what's the point" attitude. This is a more difficult journey than I ever could have imagined. But I'm not giving up. I'm going to do the very best I can tomorrow including taking a walk and staying away from the junk food. One thing that will get in the way and I'll have to battle is David being home for the next four days. He took vacation days for tomorrow and Friday. We always end up eating out more when he's home. I'll just have to fight through this for the next four days.

I have to walk first thing in the morning or else I won't get a walk in for the day. Getting out there every morning is critical. I have about seven weeks until I see Dr. Fouss in September and I want there to be some noticeable progress in weight loss and fitness level.

I'm not thinking too clearly today so I don't have much to say. All I know is that I'm not giving up. Tomorrow is a new day and it gives me another chance to succeed. And I have comfortable shorts to wear. Woohoo!

Okay it's bed time for me. I'm not going to dwell on these last few days that have been difficult. Instead I'm going to focus on what I can do to make some progress. It's a marathon not a sprint. I really need to remember that.

We did go out for a drive tonight after the rain. We went to Garden of the Gods and saw a lot of deer over there tonight. It was a wonderful drive.

And on it goes

I didn't go walking again today because I didn't have any walking shorts. I could have worn sweats but by the time I got up it was getting hot so I decided not to walk this morning. Instead I went and brought back all the stuff I bought yesterday that I wanted to return. I did get everything returned. I also found some walking shorts. Walking in my jean shorts is just too uncomfortable so I'm glad I could find some athletic shorts. If the rain holds off I might go for a walk later this evening.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed by food lately. I don't want to eat much of anything but junk (that includes cereal every morning). The thought of most food makes me feel ill. I don't know why I'm so squeamish about food all of a sudden. It's making this more difficult than it needs to be. I hope I get over this feeling.

Bad day - July 21, 2009

I had a terrible day Tuesday. I chose not to walk in the morning and instead went shopping for a couple pairs of shorts and some tee shirts. Oh yeah, and bras too. Most of the stuff that I got I'll be returning on Wednesday. I never tried anything on so it's all the wrong size or I just don't like it. I'm glad to return just about everything because I was spending compulsively. Added to eating compulsively yesterday made it a terrible day. I couldn't seem to keep myself from snacking. I even stopped at Starbucks and got a Chai tea and a pastry. Didn't need it at all. Just wanted it. I guess when I look at it from an objective perspective, I didn't really eat as much as I thought I did, it's just that I was eating all the wrong stuff. All the veggies I chopped up haven't even been touched. I have no desire for veggies or salad. Or for any real food for that matter. I know that's why I'm not noticing a change in how my clothes fit. I'm still overeating and now overspending too. Something must be bothering me that I can't face. Inevitabley I'll have to face it and get through it. I need to stop buying junk stuff even if it's a healthy brand. It's still junk.

I see Marianne tomorrow and I could print this out and read it to her. I'd like to get her to help me to figure out what I'm trying to block with spending and eating. I think it's old stuff because I'm reacting to something not just acting out. I want to remind myself of the positive things too that are going on. I haven't had a soda in about 7 weeks now. Go me! I've also been walking most days, 40 minutes at a time. Yay, me!I am doing some good things that will eventually make a difference. I've just gained so much weight that it will be hard to lose it. It's going to be a struggle anyhow and that will only be made worse by eating junk and not walking. I have about 6 or 7 weeks until I see Dr. Fouss and I really want there to be a difference in my appearance or at the least in the way my clothes fit. But that's not going to happen if I keep eating junk.

My carbohydrate and sugar intake has been way too high. Foods that I'm addicted to (carbs, sugars) are very hard for me to resist. I know part of the reason I've let up is to join David. He's still drinking soda and eating junk. I tell myself that I'll only do it once but you know how that goes. I give myself excuses to indulge. When will I realize that the only person I'm hurting here is me?

I think I'm feeling down because the clothes I bought were a size smaller and although they fit they were tight. I don't want to wear tight clothes anymore. I was hoping that I'd lost enough weight to go down a size but that's not the case. I'm not sure that it was a realistic thought anyway. It seems like the more "mom" work I do with Marianne the worse it all gets. That's part of the process though. There are things that I have to face and not only face but feel and grieve over. There is a lot of loss in my life, especially the loss of dreams and opportunities. There are some things that I will never be able to do again. They are final. But I have never grieved their loss. I think grieving is a key component to breaking through on this eating and spending thing. I eat and spend to cover the feelings. They are too scary for me so I eat or spend myself away from them. But doing that is making me miserable. Things have to change.

I have to get into some kind of routine when it comes to eating. I can have a bowl of cereal every morning with a piece of fruit and be okay. For lunch I could have some kind of veggie sandwich. I need to start thinking about dinner as second lunch and eat simply. I'm making this all too complicated. Simplify. Simplify. I took time to chop up all those veggies and I've barely touched them. How much more easy could it get? All I have to do is open the lid to the container. But I've been too lazy to do that. No that's not true. I haven't been lazy. I've had an aversion to eating. So much of what I try to eat makes me feel queasy.

I just got lost in thought but have no idea what I was thinking about. It's bound to come back to me.

We are over budget for the month. I know that a lot of that was those 10 days of vacation but the party is still going. I need to stop. We need to stop. I'm wondering if this has any relationship to the homework Marianne has assigned to me - listing the traits of a good mom and a good dad. I really don't have any clue. I guess I could start with what the traits of a bad mom and a bad dad are and they turn it around to get the good traits. I think I'm afraid to see that my mom and dad had some good traits. i guess that's because I want to continue to hate them and blame them too.

Okay, it's almost 5am and I need to get back to bed. I could use a few more hours of sleep. I still don't have any shorts to wear for walking so I'll have to wear my sweats again. That makes for a hot walk but that would be better than no walk at all.

Morning walk - July 20, 2009

Last night I thought for sure that I wouldn't be motivated to go walking this morning but I did go walking. I got up around 6:30am, got dressed and was out the door. I wore sweats today instead of shorts which made it a warmer walk than usual. I was still able to do it in about 40 minutes though. Quite a few people and a lot of dogs up there this morning. It was a nice walk. I came home and had cereal for breakfast and then took a nap. Now I'm all showered and just waiting to leave for my appointment with Marianne.

I'm feeling a bit discouraged today. I put on a clean pair of jeans and they feel tight. Not super tight but I was hoping they'd be a little baggier than they are. All this walking isn't going to do me any good if I don't watch my eating. I'm sure I must have lost a couple of pounds but it doesn't feel like I've lost any weight at all. I was almost going to weigh myself today but decided to stick with not weighing until I see Dr. Fouss. In the mean time, I need to be changing the diet. The problem is that food doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to eat anything that is good for me. So I'm still eating snacky stuff (cereal, PB&J, cookies, crackers, etc.).

I spend all my time with Marianne talking about my relationship to other people when I should be concentrating on my relationship with myself. I've been distracting myself, throwing myself off course. My relationship with other people is important but it's not everything. I'm struggling with knowing who I am and what I want to do. I'm also having a hard time with trying to make all these changes so late in life. I may feel like a kid, but I'm 49 years old! Time is a wastin'. I want to make every day count. Walking helps me to do that.

Time for me to leave for my appointment.

Evening Drive - July 19, 2009

I ate a few cookies today. I wish I hadn't. They gave me a stomach ache that I'm just getting over. We went for a drive but I knew there wasn't any chance of a walk since my stomach was bugging me. It was nice to get out though. We saw a small buck deer at Garden of the Gods.

This past week I did the same thing that I did the week before - I got snacks that were supposed to last throughout the next week or two and some of them are already gone. I hate being addicted to food. But at least I'm walking which hopefully is at the least keeping me from gaining more weight. I don't feel like I have a routine yet with the walking so I'm still focusing on getting out there 5 times a week. Changing my diet is going to be a work in progress for a long while. The good news is that I haven't had a coke in about 7 weeks. It's not easy to stay away from the carbonated beverages but I'm doing well so far.

I tend to go overboard on the weekends when David is home. I'll have to figure out what that is all about. I see Marianne tomorrow. I look forward to seeing her.

Morning walk - July 19, 2009

I woke up at 7am and got dressed to go walking. I made it up to the Mesa by 7:30ish. When I left the temperature was in the high 50's. Beautiful walking weather. There weren't very many people up there this morning but the ones that were up there were pleasant. I had one dog jump on me. He is a puppy and is still learning to behave. He was very happy. I did my usual loop today. I walked for about 40 minutes. It was nice that it wasn't super hot up there. Pikes Peak looked spectacular. It's hard to get a good picture of it with my cell camera but you get the idea. I just finished breakfast and took my morning meds. I'll be napping soon. I have a lot to do today: dishes, laundry and grocery shopping for David's lunches. But a nap will have to come first.

Evening Walk - July 18, 2009

I woke up Saturday morning and realized right away that I was feeling well. I knew it would be one of those 'stay in bed all day' days. I did get up at noon to have a bowl of cereal for breakfast but went back to bed after I had finished. We were supposed to go to a work BBQ but I wasn't feeling up to going so I stayed home and slept. I got up for a little while in the afternoon but went back to bed again. I finally got up at 6pm and took a shower. Taking a shower woke me up completely. At 7:10pm I decided to do an evening walk at Palmer Park. I knew it would be cool enough by the time I got over there to really enjoy walking. On the way over I realized that I had left my phone at home. I was a little bit nervous about walking without my phone but there were enough people up at the Mesa Trail comfortable. I felt like I was walking faster because it was getting cooler as I went along. I looked for deer around the trail but didn't spot any. There were quite a few dogs up there off leash so I didn't really expect deer to be too close. All in all it was a good walk and I was glad to get a walk in at all considering what kind of day I had. I knew I needed to do something and walking was it.

I stopped at the store on the way home and got a bottle of cold water. It really hit the spot. I finally got home around 8:30pm. David got home at 9pm. I finally remembered to check my phone and I had missed out on another BBQ. Kitty had invited us over for burgers. I'm sorry that it didn't work out to go over there and hang out. I went to bed at 10:30pm. It's now 2:10am. I'm yawning so I'll probably go back to bed in just a little bit.

David was at his work BBQ from about 2pm - 9pm. I told him that I wasn't feeling good and that's why I couldn't go. My feelings were a bit hurt because he never called and checked on me. He mistook my tiredness for being grumpy and he said something about it to me. I hadn't been grumpy but I got grumpy fast. I told David that I was hurt that he didn't call to check on me. He didn't think that he had to call. We just weren't communicating well at all yesterday. Oh well.

I ate something for dinner really late (9:30pm) and I'm paying for it now with a belly ache. I think I'm dehydrated too. I'll have to run to the store later this morning and get some water. I realized that I do have one big bottle of water that I can drink. I'll pour it over ice and have some to hydrate.

I'm going to do my best to get up in the morning and go for my morning walk. I prefer to walk in the mornings so hopefully I'll do that. It's 65 degrees out right now so it should be cool in the morning if I get up there early enough. I've got to get the morning walk in. I always have a better day when I walk first.

I don't have any pictures of my evening walk because I left my cell phone home. That's the camera that I use the majority of the time when I'm walking. It was beautiful out though and I would have liked to take a picture or two. I'll remember to bring my phone in the morning. I'm posting just a random evening sky picture to have a photo on here.

The ice water tastes so good. I didn't get much in the way of liquids yesterday since I slept the day away. I want to be hydrated for the morning walk so I'll drink at least one big cup of water. Hopefully it won't give me a belly ache.

My eating wasn't very good yesterday since I was sleeping most of the day. I didn't get enough fruits and veggies for sure. I'm just not going to lose any weight if I don't modify my eating. I've been walking for over a month and I can't see any physical changes at all. My jeans felt a bit looser the other day but I'm not sure how they would feel if I put them on straight out of the dryer. I'll know I'm losing weight when putting on jeans from out of the dryer fit loose. It'll happen. I just have to be patient.

Patience is probably a lesson God wants me to learn through this weight loss journey. When I want something I don't usually make myself wait - instant gratification. But I'm learning that delayed gratification can be even more special. There are a lot of lessons that God is working on in me. I don't need to hold myself back because I think I can't do something (in this case, walk). I need to just get out there and do it. I let my fear run my life and don't get anything done. I literally have to walk through that fear and do what is best for me. I also think that God is working on me being a bit more independent. It's time for me to spread my wings and fly a bit. I can't always have someone holding my hand. I'm going to have to learn to fail while triumphing over the failure (does that make sense?). Lots of good lessons for God to teach me. Hopefully I can be a good student.

Okay, it's almost 3am so I'm going to head back to bed. I'd like to be up on the Mesa by 8am so it's still relatively cool up there. I'm looking forward to walking.

Dinner

We just finished dinner and it was awesome! I can't believe how good the brown rice came out. It's never tasted better. The chicken was moist and very flavorful. Another recipe to add to the book. It was very easy to get everything ready too. I like easy meals. I have the spaghetti sauce in the fridge ready to go for the weekend. It tastes delicious too. I'm enjoying learning how to use spices when cooking so my food doesn't come out so bland. I'm sure David appreciates it too.

Cooking with Lisa

Today was cooking day with Lisa. We made the spaghetti sauce again so we could take pictures of the process. We also made a chicken stir fry with rice and broccoli on the side. I can't wait for dinner tonight. Everything will taste awesome. I know that David is looking forward to dinner tonight too. It's so nice of Lisa to take the time to show me how to do these recipes. I appreciate it so much. We always have fun cooking. We even had fun shopping because I used the self checkout this time. I'm slow but it was fun. The best part of cooking with Lisa is that the kitchen is all cleaned up and everything is put away by the time we are done cooking. There's not a big mess to clean up afterward. Love that.

I chose to not go for a walk this morning since we were starting at 9am (shopping then cooking). It's 85 degrees out right now so it's too hot for a walk, not that I'd be going out there anyway in the middle of the day. lol I'll do my best to get out there this weekend though. We have a BBQ to go to tomorrow but I'm sure it's not until afternoon time leaving me plenty of time to walk and shower.

I'm feeling pretty good today. I feel like I've accomplished something by doing the cooking with Lisa. But I do think it is time for a nap.

Morning walk - July 16, 2009

I went out for a walk this morning at Palmer Park. I was up there early enough that it wasn't terribly hot out. I did my regular loop in about 40 minutes. It felt good to walk. There were lots of people and dogs out there. The rest of the day hasn't been as exciting. I ate my breakfast, took my morning meds and then slept for a few hours. It's 12:20pm and I'm thinking of going back to bed. My appointment with Marianne isn't until 3pm so I have time to kill. Or should I say, time to sleep. I don't feel nearly as bad today as I did yesterday. I was able to get out and walk without having to talk myself into it. I did feel like I was tired of the drive over there though. It's worth the drive so I don't have to walk in my neighborhood on pavement. I prefer the trail.

Slept the day away

I slept most of the day away. I did take time to cut up some fruits and veggies though. It's one of those days where I don't feel very good mentally and I'm not sure why. So I've been trying to take care of myself and not push to do anything. Yeah, I could make myself do stuff today but then I'd feel even worse and it's not worth it. I'm thinking about going for a walk tonight since I didn't walk this morning. I kind of doubt that I'll get out there. It's just too easy to stay home. I have to remind myself that taking a day off isn't the worst thing that can happen. Giving up would be the worst thing and I'm not giving up. I see Marianne tomorrow and I'll talk to her about my day today.

Not feeling too good

It's 3am and I'm up. I'm tired but restless too. Restless won out. I'm thinking about getting something to eat. Just thinking about it, not going to do it. I rarely wake up in the middle of the night feeling hungry but for some reason I am hungry this morning. It will have to wait for breakfast. I'm still aching everywhere from doing the grocery shopping. I think everything hurts because of lugging in the groceries. There were at least 12 bags (6 bags per store) that I brought in from both of my trips to the stores. That was a lot of lifting. The bags were heavy because of the fruits and veggies but I managed to get all of it in the house and put away. For the first time in a long while it feels good to have some food in the house. Now I just have to make sure that I eat my meals and my snacks each day. I don't want food to go to waste.

I really feel lousy this morning. My allergies are bugging me too (in addition to all the aches and pains). I must have overdone it in the heat yesterday. I'm trying to decide if I want to walk later this morning. Dr. Fouss said he wanted me walking 5 days a week and of course I had to do better by walking six days a week. Maybe I'm just overdoing it by a day right now. It's mentally so hard for me because I expect too much of myself. I definitely don't feel good right now. Maybe I'll feel better once I get up later this morning. I sure hope so.

Low energy

I took a nap after breakfast and when I got up I went to the store to do some grocery shopping. I ended up going to Target and Safeway to get everything I wanted. I haven't shopped in at least a week or two. I got lots of fruits and veggies. I got Kashi Go Lean Crunch for breakfast (along with a piece of fruti) and some veggies for lunch. I couldn't find the pita bread so I'll have to get that later this week. Going to two stores and unloading groceries twice bothered my back. It's a little better since I took my night meds. It's feeling like I may need to get a shot again soon. I'll have to monitor that closely. I want to make sure I get one before my back gets really bad.

I want to take the day off tomorrow but I'll probably take Friday off instead since it's "Cooking with Lisa" morning. It was really hot out today and it sapped my energy. I'm feeling low energy tonight. I'm sure I'll be able to get myself out there in the morning. I've got to get to bed.

Morning walk - July 14, 2009

I got out there and walked this morning. I had to convince myself to go, but I did it. I got up even later today and considered walking around the neighborhood instead of going to Palmer Park but when I thought about it I decided PP was the more beautiful walk. It was about 60 degrees out when I started my walk sometime past 8am. Even though it was later it still was cool enough out to take a walk. The last quarter of the walk was pretty hot though. I wore my hat today to keep my face shaded. I think I need to get a visor though so I can shade my face but have the top of my head open to the air. I wish I still had that crazy orange/pink visor that I used to have. It always made me feel happy.

I've already had breakfast and taken my morning meds. I see Dr. Fouss in September and I'm going to talk to him about going off the Abilify. I just can't afford it anymore ($200 for a 3 month Rx) and I want to get off as much medication as I can. I'm sure he'll argue that I'm doing well so I shouldn't mess with my meds. I'd go right back on it if it had a negative effect being off of it. I'll have to wait and see how that goes.

I took time to pray and reflect during my walk this morning. I just wanted to connect with God while I walked. Keeping my mind occupied makes the walk go by faster. It never seems like a 40 minute walk, it always seems so much shorter. I just love how beautiful it is up there (even though I spend most of my time watching my footing on the trail). I make sure that I stop at least once to admire God's creation. When I'm really being mindful I can hear the birds tweeting. There are lots of different kinds of birds up there. The blue birds are my favorite. I think they are jays. There always seems to be different flowers blooming up there which makes it a peaceful walk. Lots of dogs again today and they all were well behaved.

The trail was still wet from yesterday's rain. One puddle went across the entire trail so I had to step in sticky mud. Yech! I survived though. I can't imagine what it's like on the trail right after a rain has moved through.

I've got an upset stomach from eating my bowl of cereal this morning. I'm not sure why it's bugging me today. I'm sure it will calm down in a few minutes.

It's 10am already so I'm going to go take a quick nap so I can get my day going again. I'm glad I got out there and walked today.

It was a good day

Today has been a good day. Any day that I start with a walk is a good day though. I took my morning nap and then took a shower when I got up. I had my appointment with Marianne at noon. We talked about how I can get more out of my life, including being healthier. We discussed how God looks at me, as his child, and wants the best for me. I need to want that for myself. I mostly feel like I don't deserve good things but I know that is false. It's interesting that Marianne and I talked about God today because I called Kitty and she told me she has a friend who is going to do an online course about health, fitness and spirituality. I emailed Cay through her website FitThroughFaith.org and told her I would be interested in participating in the online class. She's already emailed me back and said she would be in touch with me. It sounds like a very practical use of information. I have to admit that I haven't turned this over to God like I could have. This is a wake up call to me to remember that I am not alone in this. Taking time to talk to God while I'm walking and just listening to what he has to say would certainly benefit me.

This evening I made dinner - rosemary, roasted garlic potatoes and chicken tenders in olive oil backed in the oven. It was delicious and it was very nice to eat at home. We ate out too much this past week. It was nice to have a simple yet healthy meal. I didn't get to cleaning out the fridge or grocery shopping so I'll have to do that tomorrow after my walk. I thought about setting my clock so I get up early but I think it will be nicer to wake up when I do and go walking then. It stays cool out for a lot of the morning so going a little later isn't such a big deal. I have my Cheerios for breakfast so I can eat before I go to the store to shop for groceries. I want to make sure that I give my body the energy it needs.

I'm really hoping that this online class works out because it sounds like there will be a lot of good information passed on. I am more than willing to see how my relationship with God could give me a leg up on this weight loss journey. Today for the first day I felt like my jeans weren't glued to me. They felt a little looser than usual. Of course I attributed that to them being worn and not just out of the dryer. When I look at it objectively though I can see that things are changing a little. That encourages me.

I know in the morning I will have to talk myself into going walking. I'm ready for it. I'm also ready for the mind game I play while walking (I'll just go half way, I'll just do the little loop). I can get through the thoughts by telling myself that thoughts are not facts. I can walk even if I don't feel like doing it at first. I'm hoping to get to the point that I want to go walking, that my day wouldn't be complete without a walk. That will come, I know it will.

I'm still struggling with the menu, especially for dinner. I don't want to have to put a lot of thought into my meals. I want them to be simple yet nutritious. Most foods just don't appeal to me right now. Maybe I need to take the same tact with eating that I am taking with walking. I may not want to eat most foods but I can do it even though I don't feel like it. Having a plan is what is important. That involves cleaning out the kitchen, planning out meals, making a grocery list and doing the shopping. I guess the first thing really is to figure out what I can and want to eat for meals. Lisa is being a great help with dinners. Teaching me how to cook food that is not bland makes a big difference. By the end of summer I'll have lots of ideas for dinners. I don't mind eating the same things but there has to be a little creativity with the meals.

I'm getting tired so it must be time for bed. A have my 40 minute walk to look forward to in the morning. Hopefully I won't be up in the middle of the night feeling ill since I didn't eat candy or drink sugared drinks. I'm looking forward to posting my morning picture.