The core of me

It's 3:40am and I'm up. I'm not sure why. Could be the slight discomfort I feel in my stomach from eating junk yesterday. Could be that I'm not tiring myself out during the day by walking and instead am sleeping the day away. I'm also out of one of my two sleep meds. It's on it's way and should be here within a couple of days. I could take some Benadryl tonight to help me to get back to sleep. That might help. I'm worried that since I'm up now, I won't be able to get up to go walking later this morning. I keep saying I'm not giving up and I really do mean it but I've got to get back on track for it to mean anything.

I am very proud of myself for this weekend because I had a real strong urge to drink soda but I didn't. It's so hard to see David enjoying a soda. I think about how good it would taste but then I realize that it's been about 7 weeks since I last had a soda and I don't want to ruin that streak. I don't really want a soda. It's just because I see David with one all the time that I think I need one. But I don't need one. I've been walking more than not over the last 2 months and I've stayed away from soda. That's quite an accomplishement. I can't change everything all at once. It's too overwhelming to try to do that. So I'm going to take my pat on the back from making the changes that I have made so far.

I know that I'm eating to quiet feelings that I'm having. Uncomfortable feelings. I need to use what I learned in DBT about distress tolerance. I need to sit with my discomfort and not eat my way out of it (which is what I've been doing). I won't be able to discover what is going on inside me if I keep eating my feelings away. There is a lot to be learned by sitting with my discomfort. I need to get to the root of my problems. I need to get to the core of me. It's hard to get there with so much food in the way. I can dwell on the food and how bad I feel about eating the food instead of feeling the core feeling and dealing with that. What is at the core of me?

I know there is a lot of fear. I live a very fear based life. I'm so afraid of disappointing people and truthfully it gives me an excuse to give in to the unhealthy way of living. I have to want this for me and I don't think I've bought into that yet. Things won't change until I do buy into it. What keeps me from believing that I deserve a better life? Sometimes I get distracted by thinking that there really is no hope for me, that things will never change. But is that just a way for me to let myself off the hook? I think it is. I fear change. I tell myself that it's not fair to change the rules of the game so late in the game. I say it's not fair to other people. Maybe it's really that it's not fair to me. I think I have given up on myself. I feel like there really is no future for me except to just exist. I want more than that though, more than just existing. I'd like to know that my life has meaning. That's not going to happen though if I keep making food the most important thing in my life.