I had a terrible day Tuesday. I chose not to walk in the morning and instead went shopping for a couple pairs of shorts and some tee shirts. Oh yeah, and bras too. Most of the stuff that I got I'll be returning on Wednesday. I never tried anything on so it's all the wrong size or I just don't like it. I'm glad to return just about everything because I was spending compulsively. Added to eating compulsively yesterday made it a terrible day. I couldn't seem to keep myself from snacking. I even stopped at Starbucks and got a Chai tea and a pastry. Didn't need it at all. Just wanted it. I guess when I look at it from an objective perspective, I didn't really eat as much as I thought I did, it's just that I was eating all the wrong stuff. All the veggies I chopped up haven't even been touched. I have no desire for veggies or salad. Or for any real food for that matter. I know that's why I'm not noticing a change in how my clothes fit. I'm still overeating and now overspending too. Something must be bothering me that I can't face. Inevitabley I'll have to face it and get through it. I need to stop buying junk stuff even if it's a healthy brand. It's still junk.
I see Marianne tomorrow and I could print this out and read it to her. I'd like to get her to help me to figure out what I'm trying to block with spending and eating. I think it's old stuff because I'm reacting to something not just acting out. I want to remind myself of the positive things too that are going on. I haven't had a soda in about 7 weeks now. Go me! I've also been walking most days, 40 minutes at a time. Yay, me!I am doing some good things that will eventually make a difference. I've just gained so much weight that it will be hard to lose it. It's going to be a struggle anyhow and that will only be made worse by eating junk and not walking. I have about 6 or 7 weeks until I see Dr. Fouss and I really want there to be a difference in my appearance or at the least in the way my clothes fit. But that's not going to happen if I keep eating junk.
My carbohydrate and sugar intake has been way too high. Foods that I'm addicted to (carbs, sugars) are very hard for me to resist. I know part of the reason I've let up is to join David. He's still drinking soda and eating junk. I tell myself that I'll only do it once but you know how that goes. I give myself excuses to indulge. When will I realize that the only person I'm hurting here is me?
I think I'm feeling down because the clothes I bought were a size smaller and although they fit they were tight. I don't want to wear tight clothes anymore. I was hoping that I'd lost enough weight to go down a size but that's not the case. I'm not sure that it was a realistic thought anyway. It seems like the more "mom" work I do with Marianne the worse it all gets. That's part of the process though. There are things that I have to face and not only face but feel and grieve over. There is a lot of loss in my life, especially the loss of dreams and opportunities. There are some things that I will never be able to do again. They are final. But I have never grieved their loss. I think grieving is a key component to breaking through on this eating and spending thing. I eat and spend to cover the feelings. They are too scary for me so I eat or spend myself away from them. But doing that is making me miserable. Things have to change.
I have to get into some kind of routine when it comes to eating. I can have a bowl of cereal every morning with a piece of fruit and be okay. For lunch I could have some kind of veggie sandwich. I need to start thinking about dinner as second lunch and eat simply. I'm making this all too complicated. Simplify. Simplify. I took time to chop up all those veggies and I've barely touched them. How much more easy could it get? All I have to do is open the lid to the container. But I've been too lazy to do that. No that's not true. I haven't been lazy. I've had an aversion to eating. So much of what I try to eat makes me feel queasy.
I just got lost in thought but have no idea what I was thinking about. It's bound to come back to me.
We are over budget for the month. I know that a lot of that was those 10 days of vacation but the party is still going. I need to stop. We need to stop. I'm wondering if this has any relationship to the homework Marianne has assigned to me - listing the traits of a good mom and a good dad. I really don't have any clue. I guess I could start with what the traits of a bad mom and a bad dad are and they turn it around to get the good traits. I think I'm afraid to see that my mom and dad had some good traits. i guess that's because I want to continue to hate them and blame them too.
Okay, it's almost 5am and I need to get back to bed. I could use a few more hours of sleep. I still don't have any shorts to wear for walking so I'll have to wear my sweats again. That makes for a hot walk but that would be better than no walk at all.
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