Up in the middle of the night again. I'm not feeling great because of all the junk I ate yesterday. I have a stomach ache and a sugar headache. Both are well deserved.
I spent some time last night thinking about what may have brought on the uncontrolled eating and I think I came up with something. I was feeling lonely and sad but didn't want to deal with those feelings, so I ate and slept. There was a convergence of situations that led to the perfect eating storm - Marianne was out of town visiting family, Lisa had left town for her family vacation and David was taking a nap. I felt alone. David has the duty pager this week and doesn't get home until after 4pm as it is and then he went in and took a nap around 7pm. I was just plain feeling lonely.
People who I love and care about were away from me and that made me sad. I think that if just one situation happened I would have been okay, but all three together on the same day was a bit much for me. I've never really allowed myself to acknowledge feelings like loneliness and sadness when it comes to other people. I'm supposed to be tough and strong and independent. Why those traits mean that I can't have feelings is beyond me. I was missing my best friend, my therapist and my husband. I felt lonely and sad. I couldn't acknowledge those feelings to myself so I slept and ate more than I should have.
I think that I may have been able to avoid the familiar trap of eating and sleeping my feelings away if I had come to terms with why I was sad and lonely.
I don't think I've ever really taken the time to figure this kind of thing out before. I would just feel bad about eating and sleeping and tell myself I was a bad person. So this is progress that I was able to come to the conclusion that I'm sad and lonely and because I felt that way and it was uncomfortable for me, I ate and slept instead of feeling "bad". I didn't want to admit that I need these people in my life.
The interesting thing is that I can call, text, email or Skype with Lisa while she's gone and I can call or email Marianne too. But I wasn't able to see that. I could only see that I was being "left behind" (not purposely by them but in my heart I felt that). The logical adult side of me is fine with people going to be with their families. I can understand. But the little girl inside of me is so used to being discarded that she gets very emotional during times like this. And just when it was hard enough with Marianne and Lisa going out of town on the same day, David came home later in the day and then took a nap. It was just a bit more than my pea brain could handle at one time. So I slept and ate junk food to avoid the anxiety.
The wonderful thing that happened was that Lisa texted me, I was able to email Marianne to tell her how I was feeling, Brad called me and David got up from his nap. No one has really left me at all. The little girl in me was just scared and when she gets scared she mentally sits behind the couch eating dog biscuits saying "Oh, poor me". Physically that looks like me on an eating and sleeping binge.
So, instead of tip toeing around this I'm going to admit that I'm a bit lost with Marianne and Lisa being out of town. I miss them. I miss having them nearby "just in case" I need them. I am happy that they are spending time with family but sad that they are away. I'm going to allow myself to want to be in touch with them while they are out of town. It's okay that I want to hear from them while they are gone. It's okay to feel sad and lonely.
The nap situation with David is sort of the same thing. I needed someone because I was feeling lonely and the person I have to go to, David, was either not home or when home was napping. I never told him that I was sad and lonely and that I needed his company. I didn't reach out to other friends either. I just tried to rough it out myself and I ended up eating and sleeping too much. Next time I need to reach out and acknowledge how I feel. I spend most of my time alone so it's okay to not want to be alone the rest of the time too.
One thing I need to do is reassure myself that people haven't left me, that they are just a little further away. I mean, gosh, Lisa brought a netbook so we (and her other friends) can Skype while she's gone. That really helps with the object constancy issue I deal with daily. I need to not react to my little girl feelings and instead remind myself what a wonderful therapist I have and how awesome my friends are.
I turn to eating and sleeping because that is what my mother taught me to do. When things got too rough to handle she would eat a lot and sleep a lot. I learned by watching her. I don't think she purposely wanted me to do these things like she did but it turned out that way anyhow. Now I have to find an alternative to eating and sleeping that helps me to deal with the uncomfortable feelings. First thing I could do is just sit with the feelings and feel uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with doing that. I need to acknowledge my feelings. Then, instead of eating or sleeping, I need to get out there and walk or do things around the house, especially creative things. I know how to turn those emotions into art and be creative. It's doing it that's the issue. It's hard to break old patterns.
I don't feel anxious right now. I feel calm and peaceful. I'm sad that people I love and care about are away, but I'm okay with being sad. That just shows how much I love and care about them. And it shows that I love and care about me too. I am allowing my feelings to come to the forefront. That is a good thing.
I can now accept the physical distance between me others and realize that in my heart they are always close to me.
Well, it's almost 4:30am so I better get back to bed. I'm hoping to go walking later this morning. Right now it's 52 degrees out and dense fog. I'm sure that will clear up by the time I get up to go walking. I really need to walk today. Walking out some of these feelings would be helpful. I'm not going to be embarrassed that this has happened to me (having feelings, eating, sleeping). I'm not going to let it be a reason for me to fail. I can pick myself up and get back on track right now. Okay, off to bed for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment