I'm not giving up

It's Saturday night. I haven't walked for a few days. I haven't given up though. I miss my walks. My eating hasn't been very good the last few days either. I wonder how much of it is related to the work I'm doing with Marianne and how much is related to David being off for four days. I feel like my routine just won't fall into place. I can't let that defeat me though. Lisa told me something tonight that meant the world to me. She said that we are friends whether I walk every day or not and whether I eat right or not. It was something I needed to hear today. I don't think that I was consciously thinking that way, but as soon as she said it I felt great relief. I know that Lisa, Kitty, Lynn and Marianne like me because I'm me not because of what I do. I know in my head that's true but that doesn't always reach my heart, my spirit. But tonight it did reach me. I felt it. That's progress.

I think there is a part of me that wanted to take a few days off just to see if I could get back to walking again. It's taht black or white thinking - either I'm walking every day or I've quit. But that's not true. There is a middle ground. I can walk when I want to walk and take days off when I want to take days off. Of course that's easy to think but hard for me to put into practice. If I can really take in that the walking is for me, not for anyone else, then it will make it easier for me.

I feel like I've gained back any weight that I've lost. I don't know if it's true or not because I still haven't weighed myself but it feels true. I can't get caught up in the numbers though. This is a work in progress and it's going to take time. I have to be patient and be kind to myself. This is about taking care of me not impressing anyone. Or more accurately it's not about pleasing anyone else. I always think more about how this will effect others than how it will effect me. That needs to change. I need to change because it's what is best for me not because I think other people will feel more comfortable with me. I don't have to prove by work or deed that I deserve the relationships I have in my life. I deserve them because God wants the best for me and he has definitely chosen the best friends for me. God wants me to be as healthy and happy as I can be. I have to want those things for myself too.

I don't know if I'll get out to walk tomorrow but Monday I'll get back to walking for sure. I was thinking that I should walk during the week, in the morning, when David is at work and take the weekends off but I realize that's doing the same thing that I'm trying to fight against. If it wasn't so hot out I could walk later in the morning but as it is I have to be out there around 7am to take advantage of the cooler weather. It's not going to be as hot the next few days but it looks like there might be more rain in the forecast. Getting out there early would probably keep me from the rain.

With Marianne's help I'm going to work on the out of control eating (which usually means out of control spending too) and hopefully in time I will get a handle on it. I have to figure out why I'm overeating and substitue something else for eating that will get me through the feelings or situation that makes me want to eat. My mom always "fixed" stressful situations by cooking and eating. It was the one thing that she did that wasn't hurtful so I grabbed on to it. So I got used to taking care of stress with eating. I know that's not unique to me. I know there are lots of people out there who deal with this same thing. Even though it's nice to know I'm not the only one, it's doesn't bring me a lot of solace knowing that. It is a very lonely place to be.

Something else that Lisa said tonight was helpful. She said that whatever I wanted to do was fine she just wanted to encourage me in the things that I'm trying to do. I appreciated her saying that. Kitty, Lynn and Marianne have been very encouraging too. I really need to take that encouragement in and use it to my advantage. I'm not quite sure what that would look like right now but I'm willing to wait it out until I do.

Why do I give in to things I don't want to do? I don't want to overeat or eat junk food but sometimes I do. I know that walking is great for me but I give in to the idea of taking the day off. There are many things in my life that I don't necessarily want to do, but I do them anyway because I don't want to disappoint anyone. Mostly this happens with David. I quite often find myself thinking that I don't want to do something for him or with him only to find myself doing it anyhow. That was my life growing up - always doing things I didn't really want to do so people wouldn't get mad at me or make me feel like I was a disappointment to them. I've basically given up being me. But that is going to change. I don't really know who I am or what I like or how I feel about things so it will be an adventure finding out.

There was just a commerical on TV about food. Just looking at the food makes me feel ill. Most food seems icky to me right now. I have lots of fruits and veggies in the house but none of it appeals to me. Cheese seems gross. Meat. Yech! I can't stand meat right now. If it's pre-cooked and prepared then I can eat it but preparing raw meat - no way! Preparing raw anything makes me queasy. Eggs - no can do. Not even eggbeaters. I'm going to have to get this figured out too.

So, I'm going to get up tomorrow and do what feels right for me, whatever that may be. It's almost 1am so I don't think I'll be getting up early in the morning anyway. It feels good to get back to this blog and share how I'm feeling. Getting it out there in the open takes away it's power.