Reminders

I'm up again feeling sick. I drank too much raspberry tea and I'm paying for it now with heartburn. So I took some Pepto to calm the raging fire down. Hopefully it will kick in quickly so I can get back to bed. I haven't been drinking near enough water these last 10 days. Can you say "No more vacation!!"? Having David home 24/7 sunk me as far as my progress goes. But that's okay because I can start to get back on track today. I just need this heartburn to go away. The trash can next to my chair in the living room is like an archeological dig. If you dug down you'd be able to tell my good days and my bad days by what refuse is in there. LOL It's not really funny though. It's scary. I'd be ashamed to have someone go through my trashcan right now. Oh well, I can do better going forward. I'm not going to beat myself up (too much) for having a bad week.

It was inevitable for me to lose focus while David was on vacation. I'm not sure why that is though. I seem to do so much better when he's not around 24/7. He's not the best support for or influence on me. He makes it too easy to give in to the junk food. I would like him to question me about turning to junk food not encourage me. A little "you sure you want to eat that?" would go a long way. I guess I've come to the realization though that I'm going to have to do that for myself. I know I cannot depend on him to help me out. I am grateful that I have friends though who are supportive but I live with David. I think I need to have him come in on Thursday if he can, to have a discussion once again with Marianne and me. I need to draw a line in the sand and say that I will not be stepping over it anymore. I want to be crystal clear about how I want things to go. I want to be encouraged in my walking and eating changes. I don't want to be told what to do though. I'm looking for gentle, loving support from David.

I'd like help with the following sitations: I'm not sure if I want to walk that day, I want to eat junk food or I don't have healthy food alternatives in the house. Remind me (without being pushy) that there are choices to be made and that a healthy choice is one of them, so walk. Remind me to look at my goal picture and then decide what choice I want to make - don't eat the junk food. Remind me to keep healthy snacks available and ready to go. Help me to keep my focus on making the right choices.

I'm still experiencing the heartburn. Yuck! This can go away any time now. My throat feels like it's on fire. The back of my knee is bothering me a little bit too. It just feels kind of achey right now, not really painful. I think I gave it a good rest and it's responding. I'm trying to decide if I should go walk in the morning or get the grocery stuff done. It's going to be really hot again tomorrow and I don't want to be out and about in the later afternoon. Plus there's always that chance of rain. Of course if I got up early enough I could do all of it. I think I'll aim for that instead of not doing my walk. Being up with heartburn isn't helping me though. It's almost 2am but the heartburn hasn't calmed down enough yet to go back to bed.

I know one thing that would help me with all of this - lightening up. I'm way too serious about all of it. I need to lighten up a little bit, especially on myself. I need to take things more in stride instead of making everything a major crisis. I need to laugh stuff off. When tempted I need to say "as tempting as that sounds, I'm going to have to say no". I won't reach my goal or get anywhere near it if I don't stop eating junk or if I keep taking days off from walking.

There is a bigger picture here too. I want to keep in mind that walking will help me in many ways as will the healthy eating. By my next birthday I would really like to be healthier than I was on my last birthday. I don't want having a treat for my birthday to be embarrassing. Maybe by then having a junky treat won't mean as much either. I can hope that a healthy alternative will be what I naturally chose. Losing the weight and eating healthier will also help me to gain some of my independence back. I've been going along for the ride for so long now that I wasn't even aware of it anymore. When I write about independence I'm thinking about being able to decide for myself what I eat, drink and do with no regard for what someone else is doing. I'm not going to hurt anyone's feelings by saying 'no' to junk food. Or if I do, then it's their problem to deal with, not mine. David and I have been joined at the hip with the eating and not exercising thing. It's bringing us both down. I'm going to do my best to make sure it doesn't bring me down any more. David is going to have to decide for David. I have enough to take care of with my own eating and walking.

These middle of the night pep talks really do help me (as long as I remember I wrote them LOL). They make me feel more focused. Being focused is the highest priority right now. I need to put pictures up or carry them with me to remind me of my goal. I need to put little written reminders out there too, something along the lines of "reminder: do not ask me if I want junk food and do not ask me to buy you junk food". Also, "is this really the choice I want to make?". Seeing things like the pictures and reminders would be uber helpful and not only to me.

Well, I'm feeling the heartburn smolder a little so I think I will try to go back to bed. *yawn*