Knee hurts

It's late and I'm going to bed but I just want to say that my knee really hurts. I can barely walk on it tonight. I'll have to see how it is in the morning. Goodnight.

What a difference a day can make

I went for a walk this morning. I didn't go until about 9am because when I got up earlier it was 52 degrees and there was dense fog. I did my usual loop in about 40 minutes. I was so glad to get out there and walk. My knee is bothering me more today though. It's kind of catching when I bend it. It's not too painful but I can feel it.



When I got home from my walk I had breakfast and got the laundry going. Then I took my morning nap. After my nap I got back to doing the laundry. Kitty called me in the afternoon and asked if I wanted to go out for a drive with her. My first reaction was to say 'no' because I wasn't sure how David would feel about me going out but I decided that I needed to go out so I said 'yes'. I was kind of panicky when I called David to tell him that I was going out. I wasn't asking if it was okay I was just telling him what I was doing. He didn't seemed too thrilled but I expected that reaction from him. So I took a shower and Kitty picked me up around 1:30pm.

We went downtown and had lunch at Quiznos. We both had a turkey, bacon & guacamole sub. It was delicious and nutritious. I also got a raspberry iced tea to take with me on the drive. It started raining as we headed up the pass but we just kept going. Kitty was really thoughtful about her driving knowing that I'm a nervous passenger. She is a a very good driver. She made me feel very comfortable which is good because we went on a 2+ hour drive up to Cripple Creek. We took a different road up there that I've never been on before. I was a gorgeous ride especially once the rain stopped.


We talked about all kinds of things while we were driving - religion, God, Jesus, politics, kids, dogs, you name it we talked about it. It was so much fun. The only thing that could have made it better was if Lisa had been with the two of us. But I had a great time with Kitty. I was happy because I didn't spend the whole drive thinking about David. I was able to relax and enjoy our ride. I did realize when I paid attention to my thoughts that my reference point for everything is David. I had to keep myself from relating everything to him. I gave it a valiant effort. lol

**

We're going out for a ride so I'll continue this later.

Old patterns

Up in the middle of the night again. I'm not feeling great because of all the junk I ate yesterday. I have a stomach ache and a sugar headache. Both are well deserved.

I spent some time last night thinking about what may have brought on the uncontrolled eating and I think I came up with something. I was feeling lonely and sad but didn't want to deal with those feelings, so I ate and slept. There was a convergence of situations that led to the perfect eating storm - Marianne was out of town visiting family, Lisa had left town for her family vacation and David was taking a nap. I felt alone. David has the duty pager this week and doesn't get home until after 4pm as it is and then he went in and took a nap around 7pm. I was just plain feeling lonely.

People who I love and care about were away from me and that made me sad. I think that if just one situation happened I would have been okay, but all three together on the same day was a bit much for me. I've never really allowed myself to acknowledge feelings like loneliness and sadness when it comes to other people. I'm supposed to be tough and strong and independent. Why those traits mean that I can't have feelings is beyond me. I was missing my best friend, my therapist and my husband. I felt lonely and sad. I couldn't acknowledge those feelings to myself so I slept and ate more than I should have.

I think that I may have been able to avoid the familiar trap of eating and sleeping my feelings away if I had come to terms with why I was sad and lonely.

I don't think I've ever really taken the time to figure this kind of thing out before. I would just feel bad about eating and sleeping and tell myself I was a bad person. So this is progress that I was able to come to the conclusion that I'm sad and lonely and because I felt that way and it was uncomfortable for me, I ate and slept instead of feeling "bad". I didn't want to admit that I need these people in my life.

The interesting thing is that I can call, text, email or Skype with Lisa while she's gone and I can call or email Marianne too. But I wasn't able to see that. I could only see that I was being "left behind" (not purposely by them but in my heart I felt that). The logical adult side of me is fine with people going to be with their families. I can understand. But the little girl inside of me is so used to being discarded that she gets very emotional during times like this. And just when it was hard enough with Marianne and Lisa going out of town on the same day, David came home later in the day and then took a nap. It was just a bit more than my pea brain could handle at one time. So I slept and ate junk food to avoid the anxiety.

The wonderful thing that happened was that Lisa texted me, I was able to email Marianne to tell her how I was feeling, Brad called me and David got up from his nap. No one has really left me at all. The little girl in me was just scared and when she gets scared she mentally sits behind the couch eating dog biscuits saying "Oh, poor me". Physically that looks like me on an eating and sleeping binge.

So, instead of tip toeing around this I'm going to admit that I'm a bit lost with Marianne and Lisa being out of town. I miss them. I miss having them nearby "just in case" I need them. I am happy that they are spending time with family but sad that they are away. I'm going to allow myself to want to be in touch with them while they are out of town. It's okay that I want to hear from them while they are gone. It's okay to feel sad and lonely.

The nap situation with David is sort of the same thing. I needed someone because I was feeling lonely and the person I have to go to, David, was either not home or when home was napping. I never told him that I was sad and lonely and that I needed his company. I didn't reach out to other friends either. I just tried to rough it out myself and I ended up eating and sleeping too much. Next time I need to reach out and acknowledge how I feel. I spend most of my time alone so it's okay to not want to be alone the rest of the time too.

One thing I need to do is reassure myself that people haven't left me, that they are just a little further away. I mean, gosh, Lisa brought a netbook so we (and her other friends) can Skype while she's gone. That really helps with the object constancy issue I deal with daily. I need to not react to my little girl feelings and instead remind myself what a wonderful therapist I have and how awesome my friends are.

I turn to eating and sleeping because that is what my mother taught me to do. When things got too rough to handle she would eat a lot and sleep a lot. I learned by watching her. I don't think she purposely wanted me to do these things like she did but it turned out that way anyhow. Now I have to find an alternative to eating and sleeping that helps me to deal with the uncomfortable feelings. First thing I could do is just sit with the feelings and feel uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with doing that. I need to acknowledge my feelings. Then, instead of eating or sleeping, I need to get out there and walk or do things around the house, especially creative things. I know how to turn those emotions into art and be creative. It's doing it that's the issue. It's hard to break old patterns.

I don't feel anxious right now. I feel calm and peaceful. I'm sad that people I love and care about are away, but I'm okay with being sad. That just shows how much I love and care about them. And it shows that I love and care about me too. I am allowing my feelings to come to the forefront. That is a good thing.

I can now accept the physical distance between me others and realize that in my heart they are always close to me.

Well, it's almost 4:30am so I better get back to bed. I'm hoping to go walking later this morning. Right now it's 52 degrees out and dense fog. I'm sure that will clear up by the time I get up to go walking. I really need to walk today. Walking out some of these feelings would be helpful. I'm not going to be embarrassed that this has happened to me (having feelings, eating, sleeping). I'm not going to let it be a reason for me to fail. I can pick myself up and get back on track right now. Okay, off to bed for me.

Not so great today

I'm not doing so well today. I slept all morning and didn't get up until almost 1pm. I did go out to run a couple of errands. It was cold (54 degrees) and rainy. My eating has been out of control today. I just can't stop eating snacks. It's 2:30pm and I've already had about 5 snacks. I'm not sure what's going on that I'm eating so much. There must be some feeling I'm trying to avoid but I don't know what it is. Because of the rain, I didn't go for a walk. Three days off now. It's July 30th and 54 degrees out. What is going on? If it wasn't raining it would be a good day for a walk. I think part of the reason I'm not feeling well is that I haven't been sleeping through the night. I ran out of Trazadone which helps me to sleep. Thankfully I got my prescription refill today.

I'd like to say that I'll try to do better the rest of the day, but I know I'm going to continue to eat today. Maybe I can do some journaling and see where that leads me. I'm still going to take this a day at a time. Each day is a new opportunity for me. I can do this.

Motivation

Okay, so it's been a couple days since I walked. I think that part of the reason I haven't walked is just to tell myself it's okay when I don't walk. I still matter and I'm not a bad person if I don't walk. I'm going to take my victories where they are though. Still haven't had a soda. I'm not craving one but it was just habit to get one and it's sometimes hard to not get one. I'm sure I would not feel well after drinking a soda so I won't do it. And I'm not getting loads of junk food to eat. That is really good. My jeans don't feel as tight. I don't know if that's just wishful thinking or if something is really happening. I know I'm feeling better physically though. My knee and low back are still acting up but I'm not gong to let that stop me from walking. I may need to get shots in my SI joints at some point. I want to get out there and walk tomorrow. I hope it's cool out in the morning for my walk. I'm having trouble sleeping through the night so it's hard for me to get up early in the morning and be awake enough to drive safely. I could walk around the neighborhood but it's not an enjoyable walk. I'd rather go up to Palmer Park. I like seeing all the dogs on the trail.

I had an appointment with Marianne today. At the end of the session we talked about my true, authentic self. Walking is part of the true me. I really like walking. I want it to be an enjoyable activity not an obligation. Once it becomes an obligation, I'll stop walking. I know I will. I don't want that to happen. Those 40 minutes that I walk are a good opportunity for me to think through things. It always makes me feel better physically, mentally and spiritually to walk. I think part of it is where I walk. It's so relaxing up on the Mesa. I'm so glad that Lisa showed me where the trail is.

The only somewhat negative thing today is that my very thoughtful sister sent me a "care package" that was just snacks for me and David. They are snacks that I can only get back in New England. I'll put them in the fridge so I can just pull one out once in a while as a treat. I'm not telling myself I can't ever have a treat. That would be deprivation and basically that's just planning to fail. I'm not going to let that happen.

I should be able to get out there and walk the next four days. I hope I can stay motivated.

Sleepy

I haven't walked yet today. Not sure if I'll even get a walk in. I was up in the middle of the night and had trouble getting back to sleep. When I woke up this morning I was too tired to go walking. It's a cool day today. Would be good walking weather. In about an hour I'm going to go over to Lisa's and hang out for a while. I don't feel very motivated this morning. Maybe I'll pick up some steam as the day goes by. I still have laundry and dishes to contend with but I don't feel like doing either of those chores right now. Basically it's just a down day for me.

I did it

I got out there and walked this morning. I was up at 6:30am and at Palmer Park by 7:20am. I walked until about 8am. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do my whole loop but it went so much better than I thought it would. I did my usual loop in the usual 40 minutes. It was cool out there so I wore sweats and a long sleeve shirt. It got a little hot by the end of the walk but not unbearable. I was so glad that I got out there and walked. One day at a time. One day at a time.

The core of me

It's 3:40am and I'm up. I'm not sure why. Could be the slight discomfort I feel in my stomach from eating junk yesterday. Could be that I'm not tiring myself out during the day by walking and instead am sleeping the day away. I'm also out of one of my two sleep meds. It's on it's way and should be here within a couple of days. I could take some Benadryl tonight to help me to get back to sleep. That might help. I'm worried that since I'm up now, I won't be able to get up to go walking later this morning. I keep saying I'm not giving up and I really do mean it but I've got to get back on track for it to mean anything.

I am very proud of myself for this weekend because I had a real strong urge to drink soda but I didn't. It's so hard to see David enjoying a soda. I think about how good it would taste but then I realize that it's been about 7 weeks since I last had a soda and I don't want to ruin that streak. I don't really want a soda. It's just because I see David with one all the time that I think I need one. But I don't need one. I've been walking more than not over the last 2 months and I've stayed away from soda. That's quite an accomplishement. I can't change everything all at once. It's too overwhelming to try to do that. So I'm going to take my pat on the back from making the changes that I have made so far.

I know that I'm eating to quiet feelings that I'm having. Uncomfortable feelings. I need to use what I learned in DBT about distress tolerance. I need to sit with my discomfort and not eat my way out of it (which is what I've been doing). I won't be able to discover what is going on inside me if I keep eating my feelings away. There is a lot to be learned by sitting with my discomfort. I need to get to the root of my problems. I need to get to the core of me. It's hard to get there with so much food in the way. I can dwell on the food and how bad I feel about eating the food instead of feeling the core feeling and dealing with that. What is at the core of me?

I know there is a lot of fear. I live a very fear based life. I'm so afraid of disappointing people and truthfully it gives me an excuse to give in to the unhealthy way of living. I have to want this for me and I don't think I've bought into that yet. Things won't change until I do buy into it. What keeps me from believing that I deserve a better life? Sometimes I get distracted by thinking that there really is no hope for me, that things will never change. But is that just a way for me to let myself off the hook? I think it is. I fear change. I tell myself that it's not fair to change the rules of the game so late in the game. I say it's not fair to other people. Maybe it's really that it's not fair to me. I think I have given up on myself. I feel like there really is no future for me except to just exist. I want more than that though, more than just existing. I'd like to know that my life has meaning. That's not going to happen though if I keep making food the most important thing in my life.

Just another day

I slept most of the day today. No walk this morning because of the weather (overcast and rain). I want to get out there in the morning and go for a walk. I ate junk food and fast food today. I was feeling discouraged and just gave in. But I still haven't given up. I know I can get back on track. I just need to get out there and walk. I'm going to try to get up early tomorrow and go to Palmer Park. I've missed my walks up there. We had a big rainstorm today so I'm wondering what the trail will be like in the morning. If it's going to be cool tomorrow, I may go up a little bit later so the trail has a chance to dry out. I'm sure parts of the trail will be muddy no matter what time I go up there. The majority of it should be okay by the morning unless there is more rain tonight. I'm feeling sick from eating that junk food today. When will I learn?

I'm not giving up

It's Saturday night. I haven't walked for a few days. I haven't given up though. I miss my walks. My eating hasn't been very good the last few days either. I wonder how much of it is related to the work I'm doing with Marianne and how much is related to David being off for four days. I feel like my routine just won't fall into place. I can't let that defeat me though. Lisa told me something tonight that meant the world to me. She said that we are friends whether I walk every day or not and whether I eat right or not. It was something I needed to hear today. I don't think that I was consciously thinking that way, but as soon as she said it I felt great relief. I know that Lisa, Kitty, Lynn and Marianne like me because I'm me not because of what I do. I know in my head that's true but that doesn't always reach my heart, my spirit. But tonight it did reach me. I felt it. That's progress.

I think there is a part of me that wanted to take a few days off just to see if I could get back to walking again. It's taht black or white thinking - either I'm walking every day or I've quit. But that's not true. There is a middle ground. I can walk when I want to walk and take days off when I want to take days off. Of course that's easy to think but hard for me to put into practice. If I can really take in that the walking is for me, not for anyone else, then it will make it easier for me.

I feel like I've gained back any weight that I've lost. I don't know if it's true or not because I still haven't weighed myself but it feels true. I can't get caught up in the numbers though. This is a work in progress and it's going to take time. I have to be patient and be kind to myself. This is about taking care of me not impressing anyone. Or more accurately it's not about pleasing anyone else. I always think more about how this will effect others than how it will effect me. That needs to change. I need to change because it's what is best for me not because I think other people will feel more comfortable with me. I don't have to prove by work or deed that I deserve the relationships I have in my life. I deserve them because God wants the best for me and he has definitely chosen the best friends for me. God wants me to be as healthy and happy as I can be. I have to want those things for myself too.

I don't know if I'll get out to walk tomorrow but Monday I'll get back to walking for sure. I was thinking that I should walk during the week, in the morning, when David is at work and take the weekends off but I realize that's doing the same thing that I'm trying to fight against. If it wasn't so hot out I could walk later in the morning but as it is I have to be out there around 7am to take advantage of the cooler weather. It's not going to be as hot the next few days but it looks like there might be more rain in the forecast. Getting out there early would probably keep me from the rain.

With Marianne's help I'm going to work on the out of control eating (which usually means out of control spending too) and hopefully in time I will get a handle on it. I have to figure out why I'm overeating and substitue something else for eating that will get me through the feelings or situation that makes me want to eat. My mom always "fixed" stressful situations by cooking and eating. It was the one thing that she did that wasn't hurtful so I grabbed on to it. So I got used to taking care of stress with eating. I know that's not unique to me. I know there are lots of people out there who deal with this same thing. Even though it's nice to know I'm not the only one, it's doesn't bring me a lot of solace knowing that. It is a very lonely place to be.

Something else that Lisa said tonight was helpful. She said that whatever I wanted to do was fine she just wanted to encourage me in the things that I'm trying to do. I appreciated her saying that. Kitty, Lynn and Marianne have been very encouraging too. I really need to take that encouragement in and use it to my advantage. I'm not quite sure what that would look like right now but I'm willing to wait it out until I do.

Why do I give in to things I don't want to do? I don't want to overeat or eat junk food but sometimes I do. I know that walking is great for me but I give in to the idea of taking the day off. There are many things in my life that I don't necessarily want to do, but I do them anyway because I don't want to disappoint anyone. Mostly this happens with David. I quite often find myself thinking that I don't want to do something for him or with him only to find myself doing it anyhow. That was my life growing up - always doing things I didn't really want to do so people wouldn't get mad at me or make me feel like I was a disappointment to them. I've basically given up being me. But that is going to change. I don't really know who I am or what I like or how I feel about things so it will be an adventure finding out.

There was just a commerical on TV about food. Just looking at the food makes me feel ill. Most food seems icky to me right now. I have lots of fruits and veggies in the house but none of it appeals to me. Cheese seems gross. Meat. Yech! I can't stand meat right now. If it's pre-cooked and prepared then I can eat it but preparing raw meat - no way! Preparing raw anything makes me queasy. Eggs - no can do. Not even eggbeaters. I'm going to have to get this figured out too.

So, I'm going to get up tomorrow and do what feels right for me, whatever that may be. It's almost 1am so I don't think I'll be getting up early in the morning anyway. It feels good to get back to this blog and share how I'm feeling. Getting it out there in the open takes away it's power.

There's always tomorrow

Okay, so today wasn't a good day for me. I didn't go for a walk and I ate more junk food than I should have. I think I've been discouraged by the lack of weight loss so I've been giving in to the cravings. I guess I have a "what's the point" attitude. This is a more difficult journey than I ever could have imagined. But I'm not giving up. I'm going to do the very best I can tomorrow including taking a walk and staying away from the junk food. One thing that will get in the way and I'll have to battle is David being home for the next four days. He took vacation days for tomorrow and Friday. We always end up eating out more when he's home. I'll just have to fight through this for the next four days.

I have to walk first thing in the morning or else I won't get a walk in for the day. Getting out there every morning is critical. I have about seven weeks until I see Dr. Fouss in September and I want there to be some noticeable progress in weight loss and fitness level.

I'm not thinking too clearly today so I don't have much to say. All I know is that I'm not giving up. Tomorrow is a new day and it gives me another chance to succeed. And I have comfortable shorts to wear. Woohoo!

Okay it's bed time for me. I'm not going to dwell on these last few days that have been difficult. Instead I'm going to focus on what I can do to make some progress. It's a marathon not a sprint. I really need to remember that.

We did go out for a drive tonight after the rain. We went to Garden of the Gods and saw a lot of deer over there tonight. It was a wonderful drive.

And on it goes

I didn't go walking again today because I didn't have any walking shorts. I could have worn sweats but by the time I got up it was getting hot so I decided not to walk this morning. Instead I went and brought back all the stuff I bought yesterday that I wanted to return. I did get everything returned. I also found some walking shorts. Walking in my jean shorts is just too uncomfortable so I'm glad I could find some athletic shorts. If the rain holds off I might go for a walk later this evening.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed by food lately. I don't want to eat much of anything but junk (that includes cereal every morning). The thought of most food makes me feel ill. I don't know why I'm so squeamish about food all of a sudden. It's making this more difficult than it needs to be. I hope I get over this feeling.

Bad day - July 21, 2009

I had a terrible day Tuesday. I chose not to walk in the morning and instead went shopping for a couple pairs of shorts and some tee shirts. Oh yeah, and bras too. Most of the stuff that I got I'll be returning on Wednesday. I never tried anything on so it's all the wrong size or I just don't like it. I'm glad to return just about everything because I was spending compulsively. Added to eating compulsively yesterday made it a terrible day. I couldn't seem to keep myself from snacking. I even stopped at Starbucks and got a Chai tea and a pastry. Didn't need it at all. Just wanted it. I guess when I look at it from an objective perspective, I didn't really eat as much as I thought I did, it's just that I was eating all the wrong stuff. All the veggies I chopped up haven't even been touched. I have no desire for veggies or salad. Or for any real food for that matter. I know that's why I'm not noticing a change in how my clothes fit. I'm still overeating and now overspending too. Something must be bothering me that I can't face. Inevitabley I'll have to face it and get through it. I need to stop buying junk stuff even if it's a healthy brand. It's still junk.

I see Marianne tomorrow and I could print this out and read it to her. I'd like to get her to help me to figure out what I'm trying to block with spending and eating. I think it's old stuff because I'm reacting to something not just acting out. I want to remind myself of the positive things too that are going on. I haven't had a soda in about 7 weeks now. Go me! I've also been walking most days, 40 minutes at a time. Yay, me!I am doing some good things that will eventually make a difference. I've just gained so much weight that it will be hard to lose it. It's going to be a struggle anyhow and that will only be made worse by eating junk and not walking. I have about 6 or 7 weeks until I see Dr. Fouss and I really want there to be a difference in my appearance or at the least in the way my clothes fit. But that's not going to happen if I keep eating junk.

My carbohydrate and sugar intake has been way too high. Foods that I'm addicted to (carbs, sugars) are very hard for me to resist. I know part of the reason I've let up is to join David. He's still drinking soda and eating junk. I tell myself that I'll only do it once but you know how that goes. I give myself excuses to indulge. When will I realize that the only person I'm hurting here is me?

I think I'm feeling down because the clothes I bought were a size smaller and although they fit they were tight. I don't want to wear tight clothes anymore. I was hoping that I'd lost enough weight to go down a size but that's not the case. I'm not sure that it was a realistic thought anyway. It seems like the more "mom" work I do with Marianne the worse it all gets. That's part of the process though. There are things that I have to face and not only face but feel and grieve over. There is a lot of loss in my life, especially the loss of dreams and opportunities. There are some things that I will never be able to do again. They are final. But I have never grieved their loss. I think grieving is a key component to breaking through on this eating and spending thing. I eat and spend to cover the feelings. They are too scary for me so I eat or spend myself away from them. But doing that is making me miserable. Things have to change.

I have to get into some kind of routine when it comes to eating. I can have a bowl of cereal every morning with a piece of fruit and be okay. For lunch I could have some kind of veggie sandwich. I need to start thinking about dinner as second lunch and eat simply. I'm making this all too complicated. Simplify. Simplify. I took time to chop up all those veggies and I've barely touched them. How much more easy could it get? All I have to do is open the lid to the container. But I've been too lazy to do that. No that's not true. I haven't been lazy. I've had an aversion to eating. So much of what I try to eat makes me feel queasy.

I just got lost in thought but have no idea what I was thinking about. It's bound to come back to me.

We are over budget for the month. I know that a lot of that was those 10 days of vacation but the party is still going. I need to stop. We need to stop. I'm wondering if this has any relationship to the homework Marianne has assigned to me - listing the traits of a good mom and a good dad. I really don't have any clue. I guess I could start with what the traits of a bad mom and a bad dad are and they turn it around to get the good traits. I think I'm afraid to see that my mom and dad had some good traits. i guess that's because I want to continue to hate them and blame them too.

Okay, it's almost 5am and I need to get back to bed. I could use a few more hours of sleep. I still don't have any shorts to wear for walking so I'll have to wear my sweats again. That makes for a hot walk but that would be better than no walk at all.

Morning walk - July 20, 2009

Last night I thought for sure that I wouldn't be motivated to go walking this morning but I did go walking. I got up around 6:30am, got dressed and was out the door. I wore sweats today instead of shorts which made it a warmer walk than usual. I was still able to do it in about 40 minutes though. Quite a few people and a lot of dogs up there this morning. It was a nice walk. I came home and had cereal for breakfast and then took a nap. Now I'm all showered and just waiting to leave for my appointment with Marianne.

I'm feeling a bit discouraged today. I put on a clean pair of jeans and they feel tight. Not super tight but I was hoping they'd be a little baggier than they are. All this walking isn't going to do me any good if I don't watch my eating. I'm sure I must have lost a couple of pounds but it doesn't feel like I've lost any weight at all. I was almost going to weigh myself today but decided to stick with not weighing until I see Dr. Fouss. In the mean time, I need to be changing the diet. The problem is that food doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to eat anything that is good for me. So I'm still eating snacky stuff (cereal, PB&J, cookies, crackers, etc.).

I spend all my time with Marianne talking about my relationship to other people when I should be concentrating on my relationship with myself. I've been distracting myself, throwing myself off course. My relationship with other people is important but it's not everything. I'm struggling with knowing who I am and what I want to do. I'm also having a hard time with trying to make all these changes so late in life. I may feel like a kid, but I'm 49 years old! Time is a wastin'. I want to make every day count. Walking helps me to do that.

Time for me to leave for my appointment.

Evening Drive - July 19, 2009

I ate a few cookies today. I wish I hadn't. They gave me a stomach ache that I'm just getting over. We went for a drive but I knew there wasn't any chance of a walk since my stomach was bugging me. It was nice to get out though. We saw a small buck deer at Garden of the Gods.

This past week I did the same thing that I did the week before - I got snacks that were supposed to last throughout the next week or two and some of them are already gone. I hate being addicted to food. But at least I'm walking which hopefully is at the least keeping me from gaining more weight. I don't feel like I have a routine yet with the walking so I'm still focusing on getting out there 5 times a week. Changing my diet is going to be a work in progress for a long while. The good news is that I haven't had a coke in about 7 weeks. It's not easy to stay away from the carbonated beverages but I'm doing well so far.

I tend to go overboard on the weekends when David is home. I'll have to figure out what that is all about. I see Marianne tomorrow. I look forward to seeing her.

Morning walk - July 19, 2009

I woke up at 7am and got dressed to go walking. I made it up to the Mesa by 7:30ish. When I left the temperature was in the high 50's. Beautiful walking weather. There weren't very many people up there this morning but the ones that were up there were pleasant. I had one dog jump on me. He is a puppy and is still learning to behave. He was very happy. I did my usual loop today. I walked for about 40 minutes. It was nice that it wasn't super hot up there. Pikes Peak looked spectacular. It's hard to get a good picture of it with my cell camera but you get the idea. I just finished breakfast and took my morning meds. I'll be napping soon. I have a lot to do today: dishes, laundry and grocery shopping for David's lunches. But a nap will have to come first.

Evening Walk - July 18, 2009

I woke up Saturday morning and realized right away that I was feeling well. I knew it would be one of those 'stay in bed all day' days. I did get up at noon to have a bowl of cereal for breakfast but went back to bed after I had finished. We were supposed to go to a work BBQ but I wasn't feeling up to going so I stayed home and slept. I got up for a little while in the afternoon but went back to bed again. I finally got up at 6pm and took a shower. Taking a shower woke me up completely. At 7:10pm I decided to do an evening walk at Palmer Park. I knew it would be cool enough by the time I got over there to really enjoy walking. On the way over I realized that I had left my phone at home. I was a little bit nervous about walking without my phone but there were enough people up at the Mesa Trail comfortable. I felt like I was walking faster because it was getting cooler as I went along. I looked for deer around the trail but didn't spot any. There were quite a few dogs up there off leash so I didn't really expect deer to be too close. All in all it was a good walk and I was glad to get a walk in at all considering what kind of day I had. I knew I needed to do something and walking was it.

I stopped at the store on the way home and got a bottle of cold water. It really hit the spot. I finally got home around 8:30pm. David got home at 9pm. I finally remembered to check my phone and I had missed out on another BBQ. Kitty had invited us over for burgers. I'm sorry that it didn't work out to go over there and hang out. I went to bed at 10:30pm. It's now 2:10am. I'm yawning so I'll probably go back to bed in just a little bit.

David was at his work BBQ from about 2pm - 9pm. I told him that I wasn't feeling good and that's why I couldn't go. My feelings were a bit hurt because he never called and checked on me. He mistook my tiredness for being grumpy and he said something about it to me. I hadn't been grumpy but I got grumpy fast. I told David that I was hurt that he didn't call to check on me. He didn't think that he had to call. We just weren't communicating well at all yesterday. Oh well.

I ate something for dinner really late (9:30pm) and I'm paying for it now with a belly ache. I think I'm dehydrated too. I'll have to run to the store later this morning and get some water. I realized that I do have one big bottle of water that I can drink. I'll pour it over ice and have some to hydrate.

I'm going to do my best to get up in the morning and go for my morning walk. I prefer to walk in the mornings so hopefully I'll do that. It's 65 degrees out right now so it should be cool in the morning if I get up there early enough. I've got to get the morning walk in. I always have a better day when I walk first.

I don't have any pictures of my evening walk because I left my cell phone home. That's the camera that I use the majority of the time when I'm walking. It was beautiful out though and I would have liked to take a picture or two. I'll remember to bring my phone in the morning. I'm posting just a random evening sky picture to have a photo on here.

The ice water tastes so good. I didn't get much in the way of liquids yesterday since I slept the day away. I want to be hydrated for the morning walk so I'll drink at least one big cup of water. Hopefully it won't give me a belly ache.

My eating wasn't very good yesterday since I was sleeping most of the day. I didn't get enough fruits and veggies for sure. I'm just not going to lose any weight if I don't modify my eating. I've been walking for over a month and I can't see any physical changes at all. My jeans felt a bit looser the other day but I'm not sure how they would feel if I put them on straight out of the dryer. I'll know I'm losing weight when putting on jeans from out of the dryer fit loose. It'll happen. I just have to be patient.

Patience is probably a lesson God wants me to learn through this weight loss journey. When I want something I don't usually make myself wait - instant gratification. But I'm learning that delayed gratification can be even more special. There are a lot of lessons that God is working on in me. I don't need to hold myself back because I think I can't do something (in this case, walk). I need to just get out there and do it. I let my fear run my life and don't get anything done. I literally have to walk through that fear and do what is best for me. I also think that God is working on me being a bit more independent. It's time for me to spread my wings and fly a bit. I can't always have someone holding my hand. I'm going to have to learn to fail while triumphing over the failure (does that make sense?). Lots of good lessons for God to teach me. Hopefully I can be a good student.

Okay, it's almost 3am so I'm going to head back to bed. I'd like to be up on the Mesa by 8am so it's still relatively cool up there. I'm looking forward to walking.

Dinner

We just finished dinner and it was awesome! I can't believe how good the brown rice came out. It's never tasted better. The chicken was moist and very flavorful. Another recipe to add to the book. It was very easy to get everything ready too. I like easy meals. I have the spaghetti sauce in the fridge ready to go for the weekend. It tastes delicious too. I'm enjoying learning how to use spices when cooking so my food doesn't come out so bland. I'm sure David appreciates it too.

Cooking with Lisa

Today was cooking day with Lisa. We made the spaghetti sauce again so we could take pictures of the process. We also made a chicken stir fry with rice and broccoli on the side. I can't wait for dinner tonight. Everything will taste awesome. I know that David is looking forward to dinner tonight too. It's so nice of Lisa to take the time to show me how to do these recipes. I appreciate it so much. We always have fun cooking. We even had fun shopping because I used the self checkout this time. I'm slow but it was fun. The best part of cooking with Lisa is that the kitchen is all cleaned up and everything is put away by the time we are done cooking. There's not a big mess to clean up afterward. Love that.

I chose to not go for a walk this morning since we were starting at 9am (shopping then cooking). It's 85 degrees out right now so it's too hot for a walk, not that I'd be going out there anyway in the middle of the day. lol I'll do my best to get out there this weekend though. We have a BBQ to go to tomorrow but I'm sure it's not until afternoon time leaving me plenty of time to walk and shower.

I'm feeling pretty good today. I feel like I've accomplished something by doing the cooking with Lisa. But I do think it is time for a nap.

Morning walk - July 16, 2009

I went out for a walk this morning at Palmer Park. I was up there early enough that it wasn't terribly hot out. I did my regular loop in about 40 minutes. It felt good to walk. There were lots of people and dogs out there. The rest of the day hasn't been as exciting. I ate my breakfast, took my morning meds and then slept for a few hours. It's 12:20pm and I'm thinking of going back to bed. My appointment with Marianne isn't until 3pm so I have time to kill. Or should I say, time to sleep. I don't feel nearly as bad today as I did yesterday. I was able to get out and walk without having to talk myself into it. I did feel like I was tired of the drive over there though. It's worth the drive so I don't have to walk in my neighborhood on pavement. I prefer the trail.

Slept the day away

I slept most of the day away. I did take time to cut up some fruits and veggies though. It's one of those days where I don't feel very good mentally and I'm not sure why. So I've been trying to take care of myself and not push to do anything. Yeah, I could make myself do stuff today but then I'd feel even worse and it's not worth it. I'm thinking about going for a walk tonight since I didn't walk this morning. I kind of doubt that I'll get out there. It's just too easy to stay home. I have to remind myself that taking a day off isn't the worst thing that can happen. Giving up would be the worst thing and I'm not giving up. I see Marianne tomorrow and I'll talk to her about my day today.

Not feeling too good

It's 3am and I'm up. I'm tired but restless too. Restless won out. I'm thinking about getting something to eat. Just thinking about it, not going to do it. I rarely wake up in the middle of the night feeling hungry but for some reason I am hungry this morning. It will have to wait for breakfast. I'm still aching everywhere from doing the grocery shopping. I think everything hurts because of lugging in the groceries. There were at least 12 bags (6 bags per store) that I brought in from both of my trips to the stores. That was a lot of lifting. The bags were heavy because of the fruits and veggies but I managed to get all of it in the house and put away. For the first time in a long while it feels good to have some food in the house. Now I just have to make sure that I eat my meals and my snacks each day. I don't want food to go to waste.

I really feel lousy this morning. My allergies are bugging me too (in addition to all the aches and pains). I must have overdone it in the heat yesterday. I'm trying to decide if I want to walk later this morning. Dr. Fouss said he wanted me walking 5 days a week and of course I had to do better by walking six days a week. Maybe I'm just overdoing it by a day right now. It's mentally so hard for me because I expect too much of myself. I definitely don't feel good right now. Maybe I'll feel better once I get up later this morning. I sure hope so.

Low energy

I took a nap after breakfast and when I got up I went to the store to do some grocery shopping. I ended up going to Target and Safeway to get everything I wanted. I haven't shopped in at least a week or two. I got lots of fruits and veggies. I got Kashi Go Lean Crunch for breakfast (along with a piece of fruti) and some veggies for lunch. I couldn't find the pita bread so I'll have to get that later this week. Going to two stores and unloading groceries twice bothered my back. It's a little better since I took my night meds. It's feeling like I may need to get a shot again soon. I'll have to monitor that closely. I want to make sure I get one before my back gets really bad.

I want to take the day off tomorrow but I'll probably take Friday off instead since it's "Cooking with Lisa" morning. It was really hot out today and it sapped my energy. I'm feeling low energy tonight. I'm sure I'll be able to get myself out there in the morning. I've got to get to bed.

Morning walk - July 14, 2009

I got out there and walked this morning. I had to convince myself to go, but I did it. I got up even later today and considered walking around the neighborhood instead of going to Palmer Park but when I thought about it I decided PP was the more beautiful walk. It was about 60 degrees out when I started my walk sometime past 8am. Even though it was later it still was cool enough out to take a walk. The last quarter of the walk was pretty hot though. I wore my hat today to keep my face shaded. I think I need to get a visor though so I can shade my face but have the top of my head open to the air. I wish I still had that crazy orange/pink visor that I used to have. It always made me feel happy.

I've already had breakfast and taken my morning meds. I see Dr. Fouss in September and I'm going to talk to him about going off the Abilify. I just can't afford it anymore ($200 for a 3 month Rx) and I want to get off as much medication as I can. I'm sure he'll argue that I'm doing well so I shouldn't mess with my meds. I'd go right back on it if it had a negative effect being off of it. I'll have to wait and see how that goes.

I took time to pray and reflect during my walk this morning. I just wanted to connect with God while I walked. Keeping my mind occupied makes the walk go by faster. It never seems like a 40 minute walk, it always seems so much shorter. I just love how beautiful it is up there (even though I spend most of my time watching my footing on the trail). I make sure that I stop at least once to admire God's creation. When I'm really being mindful I can hear the birds tweeting. There are lots of different kinds of birds up there. The blue birds are my favorite. I think they are jays. There always seems to be different flowers blooming up there which makes it a peaceful walk. Lots of dogs again today and they all were well behaved.

The trail was still wet from yesterday's rain. One puddle went across the entire trail so I had to step in sticky mud. Yech! I survived though. I can't imagine what it's like on the trail right after a rain has moved through.

I've got an upset stomach from eating my bowl of cereal this morning. I'm not sure why it's bugging me today. I'm sure it will calm down in a few minutes.

It's 10am already so I'm going to go take a quick nap so I can get my day going again. I'm glad I got out there and walked today.

It was a good day

Today has been a good day. Any day that I start with a walk is a good day though. I took my morning nap and then took a shower when I got up. I had my appointment with Marianne at noon. We talked about how I can get more out of my life, including being healthier. We discussed how God looks at me, as his child, and wants the best for me. I need to want that for myself. I mostly feel like I don't deserve good things but I know that is false. It's interesting that Marianne and I talked about God today because I called Kitty and she told me she has a friend who is going to do an online course about health, fitness and spirituality. I emailed Cay through her website FitThroughFaith.org and told her I would be interested in participating in the online class. She's already emailed me back and said she would be in touch with me. It sounds like a very practical use of information. I have to admit that I haven't turned this over to God like I could have. This is a wake up call to me to remember that I am not alone in this. Taking time to talk to God while I'm walking and just listening to what he has to say would certainly benefit me.

This evening I made dinner - rosemary, roasted garlic potatoes and chicken tenders in olive oil backed in the oven. It was delicious and it was very nice to eat at home. We ate out too much this past week. It was nice to have a simple yet healthy meal. I didn't get to cleaning out the fridge or grocery shopping so I'll have to do that tomorrow after my walk. I thought about setting my clock so I get up early but I think it will be nicer to wake up when I do and go walking then. It stays cool out for a lot of the morning so going a little later isn't such a big deal. I have my Cheerios for breakfast so I can eat before I go to the store to shop for groceries. I want to make sure that I give my body the energy it needs.

I'm really hoping that this online class works out because it sounds like there will be a lot of good information passed on. I am more than willing to see how my relationship with God could give me a leg up on this weight loss journey. Today for the first day I felt like my jeans weren't glued to me. They felt a little looser than usual. Of course I attributed that to them being worn and not just out of the dryer. When I look at it objectively though I can see that things are changing a little. That encourages me.

I know in the morning I will have to talk myself into going walking. I'm ready for it. I'm also ready for the mind game I play while walking (I'll just go half way, I'll just do the little loop). I can get through the thoughts by telling myself that thoughts are not facts. I can walk even if I don't feel like doing it at first. I'm hoping to get to the point that I want to go walking, that my day wouldn't be complete without a walk. That will come, I know it will.

I'm still struggling with the menu, especially for dinner. I don't want to have to put a lot of thought into my meals. I want them to be simple yet nutritious. Most foods just don't appeal to me right now. Maybe I need to take the same tact with eating that I am taking with walking. I may not want to eat most foods but I can do it even though I don't feel like it. Having a plan is what is important. That involves cleaning out the kitchen, planning out meals, making a grocery list and doing the shopping. I guess the first thing really is to figure out what I can and want to eat for meals. Lisa is being a great help with dinners. Teaching me how to cook food that is not bland makes a big difference. By the end of summer I'll have lots of ideas for dinners. I don't mind eating the same things but there has to be a little creativity with the meals.

I'm getting tired so it must be time for bed. A have my 40 minute walk to look forward to in the morning. Hopefully I won't be up in the middle of the night feeling ill since I didn't eat candy or drink sugared drinks. I'm looking forward to posting my morning picture.

Morning walk - July 13, 2009

I didn't get up until 7am today. I looked for any excuse I could find to not go walking today. Blame it on the knee - nope, the knee wasn't hurting. Blame it on getting up late - nope, it still was only in the 60's. Blame it on picking up the wrong set of keys and having to go back into the house to get the right ones - nope, I could do that. I'm sure there were other things that I could have used as an excuse too (laundry, groceries, etc.). But in the end I talked myself into going for a walk and I'm glad that I did. My knee did just fine. The back of it hurt for a little while but after walking a bit it eased up. My back held up pretty good too. I thought I was going at a slower pace today but I came in just under 40 minutes again. I'm glad that I'm consistent with my walking.

There were a lot of people up there this morning and just as many dogs. They all were well behaved. On the way home I picked up my medicine for heartburn and a box of Cheerios. I had a bowl of Cheerios when I got home. I just took my morning meds so I'll probably fall asleep in a few minutes. I have an appointment with Marianne at noon today. I want to talk to her about me doing the right thing for my health. It's too easy for me to say 'yes' to junk food or not walking. I need to be able to do what is best for me and that is delaying the gratification. Being thinner and more healthy is far more of a reward than eating a candy bar. At least in theory it is. I've got to put that into practice though. These last 10 days I indulged myself at every opportunity. Honestly, I didn't want to keep saying 'no' to David and make his 10 days off miserable. So whatever he wanted I said 'sure'. That didn't help me out at all. I'm paying for it by not losing any weight and not feeling better during my walks. I know that will come but I feel like I wasted an opportunity this past week to be further along. It was a nice vacation. We did a lot of fun stuff but we also ate out too much and snacked too much and didn't walk nearly enough. But I'm getting back on track again today. Every day is a new opportunity for me to stay on track.

Anyway, it feels good to have my walk done even though I was looking for every excuse not to walk. I may not feel like walking but as long as I get out there and do it anyway, I'm doing okay.

Reminders

I'm up again feeling sick. I drank too much raspberry tea and I'm paying for it now with heartburn. So I took some Pepto to calm the raging fire down. Hopefully it will kick in quickly so I can get back to bed. I haven't been drinking near enough water these last 10 days. Can you say "No more vacation!!"? Having David home 24/7 sunk me as far as my progress goes. But that's okay because I can start to get back on track today. I just need this heartburn to go away. The trash can next to my chair in the living room is like an archeological dig. If you dug down you'd be able to tell my good days and my bad days by what refuse is in there. LOL It's not really funny though. It's scary. I'd be ashamed to have someone go through my trashcan right now. Oh well, I can do better going forward. I'm not going to beat myself up (too much) for having a bad week.

It was inevitable for me to lose focus while David was on vacation. I'm not sure why that is though. I seem to do so much better when he's not around 24/7. He's not the best support for or influence on me. He makes it too easy to give in to the junk food. I would like him to question me about turning to junk food not encourage me. A little "you sure you want to eat that?" would go a long way. I guess I've come to the realization though that I'm going to have to do that for myself. I know I cannot depend on him to help me out. I am grateful that I have friends though who are supportive but I live with David. I think I need to have him come in on Thursday if he can, to have a discussion once again with Marianne and me. I need to draw a line in the sand and say that I will not be stepping over it anymore. I want to be crystal clear about how I want things to go. I want to be encouraged in my walking and eating changes. I don't want to be told what to do though. I'm looking for gentle, loving support from David.

I'd like help with the following sitations: I'm not sure if I want to walk that day, I want to eat junk food or I don't have healthy food alternatives in the house. Remind me (without being pushy) that there are choices to be made and that a healthy choice is one of them, so walk. Remind me to look at my goal picture and then decide what choice I want to make - don't eat the junk food. Remind me to keep healthy snacks available and ready to go. Help me to keep my focus on making the right choices.

I'm still experiencing the heartburn. Yuck! This can go away any time now. My throat feels like it's on fire. The back of my knee is bothering me a little bit too. It just feels kind of achey right now, not really painful. I think I gave it a good rest and it's responding. I'm trying to decide if I should go walk in the morning or get the grocery stuff done. It's going to be really hot again tomorrow and I don't want to be out and about in the later afternoon. Plus there's always that chance of rain. Of course if I got up early enough I could do all of it. I think I'll aim for that instead of not doing my walk. Being up with heartburn isn't helping me though. It's almost 2am but the heartburn hasn't calmed down enough yet to go back to bed.

I know one thing that would help me with all of this - lightening up. I'm way too serious about all of it. I need to lighten up a little bit, especially on myself. I need to take things more in stride instead of making everything a major crisis. I need to laugh stuff off. When tempted I need to say "as tempting as that sounds, I'm going to have to say no". I won't reach my goal or get anywhere near it if I don't stop eating junk or if I keep taking days off from walking.

There is a bigger picture here too. I want to keep in mind that walking will help me in many ways as will the healthy eating. By my next birthday I would really like to be healthier than I was on my last birthday. I don't want having a treat for my birthday to be embarrassing. Maybe by then having a junky treat won't mean as much either. I can hope that a healthy alternative will be what I naturally chose. Losing the weight and eating healthier will also help me to gain some of my independence back. I've been going along for the ride for so long now that I wasn't even aware of it anymore. When I write about independence I'm thinking about being able to decide for myself what I eat, drink and do with no regard for what someone else is doing. I'm not going to hurt anyone's feelings by saying 'no' to junk food. Or if I do, then it's their problem to deal with, not mine. David and I have been joined at the hip with the eating and not exercising thing. It's bringing us both down. I'm going to do my best to make sure it doesn't bring me down any more. David is going to have to decide for David. I have enough to take care of with my own eating and walking.

These middle of the night pep talks really do help me (as long as I remember I wrote them LOL). They make me feel more focused. Being focused is the highest priority right now. I need to put pictures up or carry them with me to remind me of my goal. I need to put little written reminders out there too, something along the lines of "reminder: do not ask me if I want junk food and do not ask me to buy you junk food". Also, "is this really the choice I want to make?". Seeing things like the pictures and reminders would be uber helpful and not only to me.

Well, I'm feeling the heartburn smolder a little so I think I will try to go back to bed. *yawn*

Evening Walk - July 12, 2009

I was able to get a walk in tonight. It was short and not too challenging but that was okay for my knee. We walked the Central Garden Trail at Garden of the Gods. It is a paved trail, again okay for my knee. I didn't want to walk on an uneven surface tonight. My knee did just fine so I'm going to go for my usual walk in the morning. I was glad to get in a walk. There was a severe thunderstorm earlier in the afternoon but it blew over by 4:30pm or so. It gave us plenty of time to go for a walk.


It certainly was a beautiful walk, just not long enough. I'd definitely walk there again when I want to do a leisurely walk.

I hope it's not too hard to get back into a routine this week. I've been sleeping in, not walking as much as I could have and I ate too much junk. It all has to change. It won't be easy to get back on track but I'll do my best. The first thing I can do is clean out the kitchen and make a grocery list so I can go shopping. No snacks this time, just fruit and veggies. I need to come up with some dinners too. My aversion to meat and eggs makes it hard to figure out what to cook. I think I can do the chicken that is sliced up since I won't have to cut it. Anything else just seems yucky.

Anyway on to better things starting tomorrow. No more vacation!

Knee inflammation

I wasn't able to go walking this morning because my right knee has inflammation in it and because that GFR test came back positive I can't take anything for it. I'm hoping that it will ease up so I can walk this evening. It feels like if I twist it the wrong way it will come apart. Youch! It doesn't hurt if I don't twist it too much though. That didn't keep me from getting out in the late morning though to take some pictures of the Big Horn Sheep over at the Navigators (near Garden of the Gods). I had to walk a bit through an uphill field but I just watched my step and made sure I didn't twist the knee. We got some great pictures of the sheep. The Garden looked beautiful too.


I'm a little worried about my knee but I'll keep an eye on it and not over do. I'm looking forward to getting back to my routine tomorrow. I need to go grocery shopping but I may hold off on that too because of the knee. I can go tomorrow instead of today. Getting back into a routine will probably help my knee too. These last 10 days I've been walking just off and on since we've been on vacation. I'll be glad to get back to walking 5 or 6 days a week again. I also need to work on my eating habits. I've had too much sugar and carbs the last 10 days. I want to eat more healthy foods instead of sugar laden stuff.

It was really hot out there today. I thought about walking when we were over at Garden of the Gods but it was the middle of the day and just too dang hot. Maybe the rain will hold off this evening so we can go for a walk. There's not much of a chance of me walking each day unless I get it done first thing in the morning. It's better for me to walk when I'm just half awake. LOL

Saturday recap

It's about 3am Sunday morning. I always seem to be up this time of night. I did go walking Saturday morning up on the Mesa Trail. I got up there later than usual but it hadn't got hot yet. That is until the 2nd half of my walk when the sun was beating down on me. I couldn't have imagined walking in the middle of the day when it felt so hot that early in the day. It was a good walk though. My back was bothering me a little bit but not enough to make me stop or turn around and head back. I was able to do the loop in about 35-40 minutes. I was moving along so well that it didn't even occur to me to take a picture while I was out there so I took a picture of my shoes when I got home. lol


After my walk I showered and then went to get a haircut. I had my hair cut short so it wouldn't feel so hot while I'm walking. Around 11am David and I went out for a ride. It turned into a junk fest for me - peanuts, M&M's, lemonade, chocolates and taffy. And to round it all out I had french fries for dinner. I couldn't stand the thought of eating meat yesterday but I seemed oblivious to all the junk I was eating. I know it was all emotional eating. I was feeling like there was no point in trying to eat well when we kept stopping at places to get snacks. It was my choice to indulge but I wouldn't have stopped myself and could have then avoided the junk.

My plan for Sunday morning is to go for a walk, come home and clean out the fridge and then make a list for shopping. After I've cooled down enough from my walk I'll head over to the store and pick up some groceries. I'm craving fruits and vegetables. I'm going to plan some dinners too so I'm ready to eat healthy this week.

I'm feeling kind of sick because of all the junk I ate yesterday. I thought I had learned my lesson but apparently I have not. When I am experiencing emotions my tendency is to eat to relieve them. I've got to work on finding something else to do that will help me to feel better, that is positive, rather than eating food. I know I need to work on tolerating the emotions first of all. I don't need to feed myself every time I start feeling stressed or anxious. That has got to become old behavior. But it won't until I have something to substitute for it. Something positive and healthy.

These last 9 days have set me back as far as the eating goes. It's really hard for me to say 'no' to junk when we always seem to be stopping at the convenience store. It has been hard for me to stay in a routine also because every day brings something different. I need to get back to getting up early, going for a walk, eating breakfast, taking a shower, doing stuff around the house (laundry, dishes, cleaning) and taking my nap. I'm days behind on YNAB so I need to get that caught up too. And there's lots of mail sitting around that needs to be taken care of. That will only take a few minutes so I can get that done in the morning also. Getting into a routine is important for me. If I don't have a routine then I won't get done the things that I want to do each day, especially walking. But things will be back to 'normal' Monday when David goes back to work so I can get back into a routine.

I'm glad that when I wake up in the middle of the night that I'm not hungry. Lately I've been feeling ill from the junk during the day so I couldn't even think about eating. I'm glad I never made eating during the night a habit. That's one positive.

It's 64 degrees out right now so hopefully I'll be able to get up early and take advantage of the cool weather for a walk. I'm getting tired so I think I'll head back to bed.

Focus

I didn't go for a walk today. I slept until 11am instead. Then David and I went up to Woodland Park and had lunch at Fiesta Mexicana. I came home and took a nap. Then tonight I went out for a drive (to Garden of the Gods) with Lisa. It ended up being a great day.

I'm going to walk tomorrow morning up at Palmer Park. I'll have to get up there early though because it's supposed to be hot again (still) tomorrow. We had a really good rain storm tonight and it has cooled things off significantly.

After a real good talk with Lisa tonight I realize that I need to keep my focus on walking and changing my eating habits. It will benefit me both in the short term and the long term to keep my focus.

Learning a lesson

I actually got up in the morning on Thursday and went walking. I was afraid that I wouldn't go because I took Wednesday off. But I got out there and walked. It was only about 68 degrees with a cool breeze. Very nice walking weather. I walked the loop in a bit under 40 minutes. I got up there at about 7:40am, kind of late, but there were enough people out there that I felt safe walking. It was a difficult walk mentally. I keep wanting to quit or shorten the walk. I kept giving myself little goals and told myself that if I could get there then I could decide on whether to continue or turn around and go back. I kept wanting to quit but I never did. I walked the whole loop. I really felt like I had accomplished something when I finished.

When I got back home I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and went in to take a nap. I also had a bowl of cereal for lunch. I had an appointment with Marianne at 3pm so I showered and left at 2:30pm. We had a very interesting session. I left feeling sad. When I got home I asked David if he wanted to go out to dinner, for pizza. He said he would like to do that so we went to NYPD Pizza. We hadn't been there in quite a while. The pizza wasn't as good as it has been in the past. I don't think it was the fault of the pizza maker but it was that I just couldn't enjoy eating all those carbs. I didn't eat it all but enough to make me full (which I hadn't been doing for a while). I got lemonade to drink. The stuff was loaded with sugar but had no carbonation. I should have known then that I was not going to have a good night when it came to food.



From dinner we drove over to Garden of the Gods for our nightly deer run. We did see a couple of does. They were beautiful. But I knew my real reason for wanting to stay out driving was so I could get a candy bar for the ride home. When I got into the Loaf 'n Jug I didn't stop at the candy bar. I also got a Hawaiin Punch drink. Talk about pure evil to drink. It's loaded with sugar, coloring, etc. But I didn't let that deter me. I also got us each a little pack of salted peanuts. Then I went for the king size Milky Way candy bar. On the drive home I ate some of the peanuts and gave the remainder to David. I drank some of my fruit punch. It tasted sickeningly sweet but I drank it anyway. When we got home I ate the whole king size Milky Way. I started feeling sick almost right away. I knew I had overindulged on too much junk food.

I did all the mental gymnastics along the way to tell myself that it was okay to indulge (when I knew it really wasn't). I justified and rationalized myself into eating so much that I felt sick. So here I am at 2:45am, up because I felt like I needed to throw up. Thankfully I didn't but I felt very sick. I took some Pepto Bismol to quiet the burn in my throat. Now I'm sitting up writing about my travails and hoping I don't feel worse. The Pepto seems to be working though. I'm embarassed and ashamed of my eating all that junk but I have learned a valuable lesson through all of this. Junk food is just that - JUNK! I need to take healthy snacks with me when we go on a drive so I can avoid the store. I also need to bring water with me so that I am not tempted to get a nasty drink (like the fruit punch). It's poor planning on my part. I have to make sure I have the healthy foods available at home so it's easy to take something with me when we go for a drive

Anyway, lesson learned - junk food makes you feel junky. The end.

The journey

It's a bit after 7pm and it's still 90 degrees out. Not exactly walking weather. This is why I need to walk in the morning and not count on getting an evening walk in while the weather is so hot.

I realize that I feel obliged to walk every day because I've told people that I'm walking. No one is asking anything of me though. It's just me expecting too much of myself. I guess I feel like if I don't go walking I'll feel like an idiot. I've said I'm going to make changes and now I have to keep to my word. Says who? I don't know. It's this thing I have in my head, this high standard. It makes me want to scream. It's the same thing with eating too. I feel like I've set up some kind of rule that I have to follow and when I don't follow it I feel bad. Why can't I just be happy with the progress that I'm making and the changes that I've made? Why do I expect perfection? I just don't know.

I'm worried that if I have a bad day I'll give up. And today was a bad day from my perspective. What can I take from today that would be helpful? How can I turn this negative around? I can't seem to find anything positive in the day today. The only thing I can think of that I did okay with today was drinking liquids. I'm getting better at staying hydrated. Maybe I can think of today as a hydration day. LOL

I've got to loosen up and chill out. It's not the end of the world if I didn't walk. It's not the end of the world if I didn't make all the right choices when eating today. It just feels like the end of the world. Seriously, it feels so bad because I didn't meet my own unrealistic expectations for the day. And instead of getting up out of my chair and doing something, I'm just sitting here blogging.

I know it's important for me to learn from every step in this journey even if every step doesn't feel great.

Time to rest

Not a good day today. I ate things that I knew I shouldn't eat but I was so anxious I just gave in to the cravings. It's okay though. I fell off the wagon but I can get right back on. I'm hoping to get a walk in this evening at Garden of the Gods with David. It's been nice walking with him once in a while. Well, I'm going to go take a nap. The heat out there during our drive sucked the life out of me. Time to rest.

Giving Up

I feel like giving up today. I'm overwhelming myself with trying to make too many changes at one time. It's the all or nothing thinking. I either do everything perfectly or I'm failing. I didn't go walking this morning. No real reason why, just decided to not walk this morning. I try to tell myself that I can still get a walk in sometime today, but I feel like a slacker for not going this morning. The plan was to go to the Zoo today which would give me plenty of walking but I'm not feeling great mentally so I'm not sure what I want to do. It's also supposed to be in the 90's today and I'm not sure I want to be out there in the middle of the day walking around at the Zoo.

I feel like I'm justifying all the things that I shouldn't be doing (not walking, eating junk, eating too many carbs). I can easily convince myself that I deserve a break from walking or that it's okay to eat a sundae. I'm not going to make any progress in the weight loss with this kind of attitude. I know I can be too hard on myself at times but I also can give in easily too. Finding a balance that I feel comfortable with isn't easy. Mostly I just want to go back to bed today. I don't want to face the day. I was really craving candy last night. I didn't get any, but the craving is still there. I think that I should just get a candy bar and get the craving over with but I'm not sure that's such a great idea. I can't always give in every time I want something but I feel so bad emotionally that I get desperate to get rid of the bad feelings. And I know that food does that for me.

Anyway, I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with all this today. Mostly I just want to eat to feel better. Or sleep. Neither is very productive though. Why does this have to be so difficult? I don't always understand how the emotions get so tangled up in the eating but they do. I've got to go take a shower but I don't even want to do that. I thought about quitting this blog too but I'm going to do my best to keep tracking what this journey is like for me. I'm just going to do my best today. That's all I can do.

Morning walk - July 7, 2009

I got up at 6:30am this morning and went over to Palmer Park for a walk. David's back was bothering him so decided not to go today. There were a lot of people up there when I arrived at 7am. I did my usual 40 minute walk. To make it interesting I go different ways on the trails. There are little off shoots of the main trail. I've only taken one of them so far. I may try a couple of them in the near future.


It was cool up there this morning but it was getting hot fast. I'm glad I got up there early. David and I decided to do stuff around the house today (yard work and laundry) instead of going for another drive. I think we both are tired (and old lol) and will not be going on any other long adventures this week. We still might go up to the Zoo but that's about as exciting as it will get.

I'm doing my best to walk 5-6 times a week for 40 minutes a day. So far, so good. I still don't feel like I've lost any weight. I want to weigh myself but I'm doing my best to stay away from the scale. I'm sure that it's my eating that's causing me to maintain my weight. I'm still getting too many carbs I think. I did get some cut up fruit the other day and have been eating that each day. It's been really good. I'm still at a loss for dinner though. I can seem to manage breakfast and lunch but by dinner I have no ideas left. I know that will work itself out eventually so I'm not stressing about it.

I was going to ask David to go for a walk this evening but I think he's pretty tired and sore from working in the yard all day. It's almost 6pm and he's still out there. He's been at it about 6 hours. Yikes! I sat outside with him a few times when he took breaks. The view from our pocth is beautiful.



It looks like David is picking up all the yard tools and getting set to head into the house. I'm still working on laundry though. I have 4 loads of laundry to do today (one more to go). I don't know that I'll get it done today. There's always tomorrow.

It's supposed to be hot tomorrow (near 90 degrees) so I'll need to get out and walk early again.

Morning walk - July 6, 2009

David and I went for a walk up on Palmer Park, the Mesa Trail this morning. We did the walk in about 45 minutes which was great. We kept up a pretty good pace. We had to stop a few times so David could stretch his back. The weather was nice. It was about 55 degrees when we started our walk and it stayed relatively cool the whole time. I was really glad to get out there this morning. When we got home I had a bowl of cereeal, took my meds and went back to bed. I slept until almost 11:30am. I had to rush when I got up to go to my appointment with Marianne. We talked about the changes in thinking I've had (indulgence vs. deprivation). I talked to her a lot about trying to live in the gray area instead of living in the extremes. It feels very uncomfortable but it's something I'm going to have to get used to. I talked about realizing that sometimes I want to do things (eat out, spend money, etc.) but I don't because I feel like there is a rule telling me that I can't. Figuring out what I really want to do is the hard part.

Evening hike on the Siamese Twins Trail, July 5, 2009

Tonight David and I went over to Garden of the Gods and walked on the Siamese Twins Trail. The trail had lots of elevation and was very uneven. It was a challenge to hike it. We went up to the Siamese Twins rock formation, took some pictures up there and then headed back down the trail. Unbelievable views from up there.


We had fun hiking the trail. I would have liked to do more of the trail but I didn't have my hiking boots on. It was pretty rocky so I would have needed my hiking boots to continue on. We'll do the whole loop some time though.



A high five for us because we didn't get something to eat out (although we discussed it). Instead we went home and had the rest of the spaghetti that Lisa and I made the other day. It was still delicious. For dessert we had fruit (watermelon, cantaloupe, honey dew, pineapple and grapes). It was a really good decision to eat at home.


Tomorrow morning we're going to get up early and go for a walk. We'll probably go to Palmer Park because I miss walking there. It's been a few days.