Weigh in this morning - lost 2.6 lbs!!

My battery light came on again when I was dropping Bayou off at doggie daycare. I decided to get it checked out today instead of constantly being worried about it. Since I wasn't sure if I'd get to my meeting tonight I went and weighed in this morning. I weighed in at 276. Down 2.6 lbs and I made it to the 20 lbs lost mark!! I'm down 22.4 lbs. total. I was really excited. The receptionist asked if I wanted a sticker and I told her no, that I'd be back later. I figured that if I couldn't make it back for the 5:30pm meeting I'd just get it next week.

I stopped by Aspen Auto Works and had them look at the car. Even though all the tests they ran on the starting system came back normal they still wanted to charge me $854 to put a new alternator in it. I called David and he told me to call Neil at Neil's Automotive. So I came home and called Neil. He said that it's probably a diode and not a problem, that I shouldn't worry about it. He told me that if it end up being the alternator that he can change it out for less than $300. For now I'm not going to worry about it. If it gives me problems, like starting issues, then I'll take it to Neil.

Now that I know the car isn't an issue I can plan on going to my 5:30pm meeting and celebrating my 20 lbs lost. I'll get my sticker tonight. I'm excited about that and about being half way to the 25 lbs lost mark.

I think from now on I will weigh in on Wednesday morning and then go to the 5:30pm meeting. That way I'll be at my lowest weight for the day and be able to eat regularly the rest of the day instead of holding off on not eating to get a good weigh in. I can celebrate my scale and non scale victories at the 5:30pm meeting.

My daily points went down by 1 so I'm at 40 now. So I have 40 daily points and 49 weekly points. I don't use the AP's (activity points) that I earn during the week. You can swap them out for food points if you want to but I don't usually do that.

My back is still hurting so I'm going to get steroid injections on Friday. I'm hoping to get back to walking by next Friday, maybe sooner. I'll ask Dr. Jenks when he things I can get back to walking again. It felt good to walk a mile but I'm not sure if that's what caused my back pain. I don't want to have back pain so I'll need to be careful. I'll do the 1/2 mile loop and see how I feel. If my back bothers me I'll leave it at that. If it's okay I'll probably do the mile. I'll just have to see how it goes.

I'm so excited to have lost 2.6 lbs this past week. I didn't eat all my meals the last 2 days because my back was hurting so I'm sure that's why I showed such a big loss. As soon as I got home today though I ate my breakfast. I've got to figure something out for dinner. I have my meeting and David has golf. I can either get something to pick up or go by the store. I don't really want to walk at the store today though. I'll have to decide before I go pick up Bayou.

That's it for now. Good day!

Back spasm

I was feeling just a bit achey this morning but not bad after walking a mile yesterday. I didn't do much today but watch TV. I was going out this afternoon to get lunch (yes, fast food again) and stopped by the mail box on my way. There was a key in the box for a package. I bent down to put the key in the mail box and my back spasmed really bad. I could barely get the package that was in the box. It hurt to walk back to the car. I knew I had to go right home and take something for the spasm. It hurt so bad that I took 2 muscle relaxers and 1 pain pill. I slept for about 2 hours after that. When I woke up my back was still hurting but it was better than it was before I fell asleep. It's still hurting but not as bad as it was. I don't think I'll be walking in the morning. There's more smoke from another fire up in Teller county so I don't think the air quality will be good in the morning anyway. I'm guessing that I over did it walking 1 mile yesterday and that's why my back is spasming. Oh well, as soon as it feels better I'll be out there walking again.

All I had to eat today was the fast food from McDonald's. Not too smart but there was no way I was standing to cook dinner tonight. Standing up straight hurts the most. I probably won't lose the .2  that I need to lose this week to make my 20 lbs lost mark. I only have 3 dayst to get there including weigh in day. It would have been nice to have walked a couple of days but I won't be able to do that now that I hurt my back. If I have a heat wrap I might put that on later before I go to bed.

Off topic: Dale Earnhardt, Jr. won the NASCAR race today. He hadn't won in over 140 races and about 4 years. I woke up just in time to see the win. I'm a Jr. fan so was glad to see him win.

That's it for now. Not much to report beside my back hurting.

What a productive morning!

Lisa and I walked the small loop twice this morning. That's 1 mile! It was easier for me than I thought it would be. While we walked we talked about how difficult it is to commit to getting out there. I'm glad that Lisa could understand. She has a work meeting Monday morning so I'll have to try to get myself out there to walk without her. I told her that I'm going to try to get out there at 8am on M, W & F. Hopefully sometimes she can join me.

After the walk I went to a WW meeting. Ila was leading the meeting. She's really nice. Very genuine. She does a good job with the meetings. She talked about this week's topic - dining out in our town. It was a topic we all could relate to. Making good choices when you eat out is important. Of course I didn't do a good job when I got fast food last night but that's okay. I tracked it and counted all the points. I've tracked every day since April 30th, the day I came back to WW. I haven't missed a day. I may not eat the best things but I always track whatever I eat no matter how many points it is. Tracking is very important and I'll do my best to track every day.

From my meeting I went to the pet store to get dog food for Bayou. From there I went to Target and did the grocery shopping. I forgot a few things though so I'll have to make another trip tomorrow. It felt good to get so much done before 11am. I've been relaxing the rest of the day. It's almost 2:30pm and I feel like I have been so productive today. Usually I've just been up for an hour or so because I sleep all day. LOL Not today though.

I had my breakfast at 11:30am  and lunch at 2pm. I don't know that I'll want dinner for quite a while. If it's not raining I'll have David BBQ some chicken. If it's raining I'll cook it in the oven. I have some corn on the cob and salad to have with it.

I can't believe that I actually walked a mile again this morning. It makes the drive over there so much more worthwhile when I can do 2 loops. I'd like to do it for at least a week before I try for a mile and a half. I'll see how my knee holds up after the mile today. It goes by very quickly when I'm walking with Lisa. I hope I can get out there on my own on Monday. It's supposed to be in the 90's all week so getting there by 8am is going to be important. It will already be warming up by that time but I should be okay. I'll have to have Bayou to daycare by 7:40am to get to the trail at 8am. I'm just glad I got out there today. I'm proud of myself for going and walking 1 mile. Yay me!

Going for a walk in the morning

Lisa and I are going to go for a walk at 8am tomorrow. I'll leave from there and go to the 9am WW meeting. If I'm up to it, after that I'll stop by Target and pick up the groceries. I didn't realize that we are completly out of fruit. I didn't get to have my apple tonight. I don't know if I'll get too sore from sitting at the meeting. I may have to go home and go grocery shopping later. I'll try to do it right away though so I don't have to do it in the middle of the day. We're not going to Denver so at least I don't have to worry about that. I won't have a banana for breakfast so I'll wait to have breakfast after I get home from the store. I'm glad I have committed to walking in the morning because now I know I'll definitely go. I'll feel better knowing that I have walked. I'll also get some activity from going to the store. If I can remember I'll wear my pedometer tomorrow to see how many steps I actually get. That would be interesting.

I know if I can get myself out there consistently walking I will be more excited about doing the WW plan and losing weight. Walking should help me to lose more weight and get me motivated. I just have to get out there. I need to tell myself that I'll get out there those 3 days a week and commit to that. I'll already be out because I'll be dropping Bayou off at daycare so getting there won't be such a big issue. I'll need to get to bed early though and not stay up if I get up in the middle of the night. I'm so tired when I drop Bayou off that all I can think about it getting home and going back to bed. I can always sleep after I get back home after my walk. I can shower after my morning nap. I have to remember to take my allergy medicine though before I go for a walk. I forgot this last time I walked. Thankfully it wasn't too bad but it's better if I take the allergy medicine. Of course I have to stop taking the allergy medicine as of Tuesday because the following Tuesday I have allergy testing. I don't know how I'm going to get back without allergy medicine for a week. I guess I'll just be blowing my nose a lot. LOL It will be nice to find out what I'm allergic to though.

I'm hoping that I will reach the 20 lbs lost mark this coming Wednesday. I should be able to do it if I can get out there and walk and watch what I eat. I'd like to have something to snack on tonight but since there's not fruit I won't have anything. Being more active and eating better will certainly help me to lose more weight. I'd like to see myself lose at least 2 lbs a week. That's a lot but I think it's possible since I weigh so much. I wanted to try to lose 8 lbs a month this summer but I'm not starting off very good so far this month. That's okay though, it's just a goal to shoot for not something I'm going to beat myself up about if I don't do it. I actually have 10 goals for the summer. I'm not sure I'll meet most of them but at least I have something to work toward. My goal for walking is to walk at least once every 2 weeks. I know that's not a lot but for me that's realistic. If I do more, then great, if not then if I can at least do once every 2 weeks I'll be meeting my goal. I want to start getting in the pool too but haven't done that yet. I still have to look for those swin trunks. LOL I don't know why I have such a mental block about doing that. I guess if I don't find them I don't have to think about going to the pool. Again, a commitment issue.

I hope Dori is leading the WW meeting next week when I make the 20 lbs lost mark. She gets everyone excited for the awards. I only have to lose .2 lbs so I should be able to make it. It will be a disappointment if I don't lose the only .2 that I need to lose. I know it will come eventually though. I'm looking forward to that 5 lb star. Then I need to work towards 25 lbs lost. I hope they give out the 25 lb charm for that. Even though it just looks like a washer I know it will mean a lot to me. I have my 16 week charm too but will have to wait until I lose 10% to put them on the keychain charm. Until then I'll keep them in my wallet. If I go every week until the end of August I'll get another 16 week charm. If I can really get motivated to lose weight I could be at the 50 lbs lost mark by the fall. I'm not going to set myself up to fail though. Again, it's just a goal to work toward. I'd love to lose a lot of weight over the summer and go into the fall being lighter than I am now. I want to look like I've lost weight. Right now I can feel a difference but it's not apparent that I've lost 20 lbs because I'm still so big. Looking like I've lost weight will come eventually though.

Soon the pants I'm wearing are going to be too big. I'll have to get a smaller size which will be nice. In the mean time though they feel loose and I have to hike them up while walking. That's not a bad thing but because they don't have drawstrings I can't keep them up as easily. I'll still have to get a big size when I get my next ones but as long as they are smaller than what I have now I'll be doing okay. I order them from JMS (Just My Size) so I can get them whenever I need them. I should get a pair of 3x's now so I can see how they fit. I'll fit into them soon enough. They might be more fitted than I like right now but it would be better than them hanging off of me like they are now. I'll have to check to be sure that they still have them at JMS. Just checked JMS and they don't have them anymore. Now what will I do? I can't find any other place that has them. That really stinks. I'm so used to wearing these. I don't know where else to look . I guess I'll have to see if Walmart has anything. That's where I found the JMS pants in the first place. Now I'll have to find something else. These pants would be okay if they had the drawstring but I cut them out of all of them (3 pair). Rats!

Okay, that's it for now. I'm going to have to do some searching for some pants I can get. Ugh!

Lazy day

I had a very lazy day today. I dropped Bayou off at daycare around 7am then came home and went back to bed until 12:30pm. I did get up a couple of times, once for breakfast, but mostly was in bed until after lunch time. I picked up Bayou around 2:30pm. After David I got home I went and got fast food for dinner. I had plenty of points to do so. I'll probably have an apple later (it's almost 6pm now). I'll go to the grocery store tomorrow. I didn't go to a WW meeting today so will possible go tomorrow morning. Ila does the Saturday morning meetings. I like her. I forgot to mention that Dori wasn't at the Wednesday night meeting again. Funny that it didn't make a big difference for me this time. She was having trouble breathing because of the smoke along the Front Range. Anne took her place. She did a great job with the meeting. She asked me to look up some information on Chili's restaurant for our meeting (this weeks topic is about eating out in our town). I was glad to be a part of the meeting.

I guess that the meeting has become more important than the meeting leader for me. That's a good thing. Dori still does a better job with the awards but since I wasn't expecting any I guess it wasn't a big deal. I'm hoping next week to be getting another 5 lb sticker but all the leaders give those out. I won't be at a new decade for a while so that's not a big deal. Even if Dori wasn't there for that one week I'd probably be able to get my sticker the following week.

I didn't walk today because I was too lazy. Plus my knee is really hurting from walking the other day. I don't know when I'll walk again. I never really plan it so it doesn't get done. I need to schedule the walking for after I drop Bayou off at daycare since I'm already out. I think I could walk the small loop twice which would take about 20 minutes. That makes it worth the drive up there. Just doing one loop makes it harder to justify the drive which takes 20 minutes from the house. I wish there was a closer trail but that's the closest one (Palmer Park). I wish I could do the whole loop but that takes at least 40 minutes and I don't think I'm up to that quite yet. I just need to be more consistent with the walking. If I could get out there 3 days a week it would really help me to lose weight. I'd also just feel better about myself if I would do that. I'll get in some activity tomorrow by doing the grocery shopping. It's not much but at least it's something.

David had talked about going up to Denver tomorrow for a graduation party (one of his great nephews) but I don't really want to go because last time I went up there with Kitty my knee really hurt afterward from all the sitting with my knee bent. I don't want to have that happen again. He hasn't said anything today about going and I'm not going to mention it. lol We'll see what happens tomorrow.

A friend of mine is up in Denver this weekend and wants to maybe get together on Monday. If it works out we'll get together for lunch maybe. It would be nice to see her but I wouldn't drive up to Denver to see her. Not that she's not worth it but I just don't like the drive up there. I worry about the traffic and getting lost. The GPS isn't always accurate. When Kitty and I went up she used her GPS and we still got lost. I hope it works out that she'll come through the Springs on her way home.

I weighed myself this morning and I was at 277. I wish I would weigh that much at weigh in on Wednesday.

Lisa just texted and wanted to know if I wanted to walk tomorrow morning. I don't know if I want to do that because I want to go to the 9am WW meeting. We'd have to walk at 8am. I'll think about it before I text her back.

I don't know why I have such a hard time committing to going to walking. I want to walk but get anxious when I say I will. I have such a hard time committing to any social thing. I wonder if I have some kind of anxiety disorder. I know I'll have a good time once I get there but getting there is the problem. This is something I need to talk to Alicia about in therapy. I need to figure out what the fear is. I don't want to avoid doing things all the time. I don't ever want to say yes to something ahead of time. I worry about things from the time I say I will go knowing that I will feel anxious until I either go or cancel (or just not show up). It makes me want to just say no to everything. That's no way to live life though. I definitely need help with this.

I just texted Lisa back and asked if she could go at 8am. I want to be able to make the 9am WW meeting. I need to go shopping after that. I'll have to come up with a grocery list tonight. I'm getting bored with what we've been eating (hence the fast food tonight) and would like to figure something else out to make food less blah and boring. I have plenty of cookbooks but just don't use them. WW has a ton of recipes online too. I just need to use them. Fast food is kind of boring too but it's so much easier than cooking a meal. I'm definitely not getting enough fruits and veggies in my diet at this point. I'm lucky if I get 2 or 3 a day. I always get one at breakfast and then usually an apple sometime during the day. That's just not enough though. In theory I'd like to have a salad with lunch and dinner but it just never happens. It's like the walking thing, if I don't plan it it won't happen.

Haven't heard back from Lisa yet. I'm sure 8am would work for her but I'll have to wait to hear back from her. I should plan on going even if she can't go since I'm making plans for it. It will be cooler then. I can't walk in the heat of the day. It's too hard for me. I need to just commit to myself to walk M, W & F at 8am. If Lisa can join me, great, but if not I need to do it anyway. That would still give me time to get home to shower and then go to my WW meeting on Monday and Friday. It also would get me up and going instead of just sleeping the day away. I've been sleeping a lot lately. It's probably the depression. I think I'll go see Dr. Fouss before August to see if he can adjust my medication. I need him to try something.

Gonna go for now because I'm on the phone with Lynn. More later.

Blah dinner

For dinner tonight:

* pork chops baked in the oven
* baked potato
* peas

Blah!

I still have 12 points left because I didn't have lunch today. I had some chips and an apple but no sandwich. I was too lazy to make a sandwich. We were almost going to order pizza for dinner but at the last minute I decided that wouldn't be a good idea and made the blah dinner. Even though it wasn't exciting it was better than pizza.

I spent most of the day on the couch because of the smoke in the air. Every time I took a deep breath I could taste it. Nasty. Lisa can't walk in the morning so I have to decide whether I'm going to go by myself or not. She can go later in the day but I think it will be too hot for me then. I also have to go grocery shopping so I might just count that as my activity for the day. I'll have to see how I feel in the morning and what the smoke situation is. My knee and foot are bothering me so I'm not sure I want to walk on the trail tomorrow. The flat surface of the store might be the best idea.

I'd be laying on the couch now if Bayou hadn't stolen it from me. lol She loves laying on the couch. She's just as lazy as I am when she's home. She'll go to daycare tomorrow. She plays all day when she's there. She always comes home and is very sleepy. That's always good for me becuase it's less time that I have to let her in and out.

I almost forgot that I might go to the 10am WW meeting tomorrow. I could do the shopping before I go there though. I don't have to go but I might want to. I'll decide that in the morning.

Not much else going on today. It's been an uneventful day (except for the smoke from the fire up north). I probably won't blog again until tomorrow.

Air quality is poor today

The air quality is poor here in town because of smoke from the fire up in Ft. Collins. In this picture taken from my back deck you can almost see the mountains through the smoke. All you can smell and taste when you go outside is smoke. No walking for me today. I'm not sure what it's supposed to be like tomorrow but if it's the same as today I won't be walking. I have all the doors and windows closed but I've had to open the back door to let Bayou in and out. It does smell a little smokey in here now. They also said that there is a new fire out west of Colorado Springs in Park/Teller county. That's a small fire. The Ft. Collins fire is almost 50,000 acres!

Wednesday night weigh in (6/13)

I was a bit anxious weighing in tonight at my meeting. I knew it was going to be close for me to lose any weight. I didn't even look at the numbers on the scale when I weighed in. I waited for the receptionist to tell me where I stood. She told me that I had LOST .2.  I was still only .2 away from the 20 lb lost mark! So close, yet so far away. The 5 lb star had eluded me yet again.

I was very happy to have lost any weight considering how off track I felt this past week. I looked back though in eTools and I had kept within my points. I used all but 15 of my weekly points and did not trade any AP's for PP values. So even though I didn't make the best choice for every meal, I did track and account for every bite and kept within my points.

I imagine that if I can make different, more healthy choices I will lose more weight. If I can add to the healthy choices with walking a few days a week I think I could be pretty consistent with the weight loss. I have a lot of weight to lose. I can do it if I put my mind to it.

So, .2. If I had taken my socks off I probably could have made 20 lbs lost. LOL I should have gone without socks or a bra and I would have made it. Not that I'm desperate to make this milestone or anything. ;)

I don't want to jinx myself and say with certainty that I will lose that .2 by next Wednesday, but I'm pretty hopeful that I'll get that next 5 lb star. I will have worked harder for this sticker than any other so far. It will mean a lot to me.

Yeah, .2 - never did such a small number make such a big difference. I'm psyched for next week already!! I will keep that in mind as I go through each day, each meal, each snack in the coming week. I can only do this a day at a time. .2 is the number - I ain't afraid of no ounce!

Waiting to go to weigh in

I have about an hour and fifteen minutes until I leave for weigh in. My weight is fluctuating. I went up to 279 and then down to 278.8 (where I was last week). I'm hoping for just a small gain this week. I would have liked to have made the 20 lbs lost milestone but I don't see it happening this week. Considering all the junk I ate that's not surprising. I'm grateful that I didn't gain more weight.

Someone on the WW site was saying that people who use all their daily AND weekly points lose weight quicker. I may have to test out that theory. There have been days when I didn't use all my daily points and I haven't used all my weekly points since I've come back to WW. I think I need to adjust and use them all but on good, healthy choices, not on fast food and junk food.

Tonight for dinner I'm going to make BLT's. I'll cook the bacon when I get home from my meeting. I already stopped at the store so I have what I need for dinner. David doesn't start golfing until 5:10pm so he will be home late tonight. I'll have dinner ready to go as soon as he gets in. I've already tracked my dinner so I know I can have 2 BLT sandwiches with chips and still have 13 points left for the day. I'll add in a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich and that will leave me with 9 points. I have that many points left because I didn't eat lunch today. I slept after I walked and I didn't get up until almost 1pm. I took a shower when I got up and then went and ran my errands. I didn't even think about lunch and I didn't want to eat too close to weigh in so I'll just wait for dinner. I'm going to bring a WW mini bar with me to the meeting so I can snack on that after I weigh in. That will hold me until dinner. Oh, and I have an Orange Crush soda for this evening so that all will take me to 1 point left for the day.

I'm anxious to weigh in tonight. I want to see where I ended up after the week I had. If I can get myself out there walking 3x/week and can make some healthier choices in food then I think I can lose weight faster. Like tonight, instead of getting fast food like I was doing after weigh in I'm making dinner at home. That's a much better choice. Plus David will be getting home so late that I wouldn't want to eat fast food that late. It's not that I'll never get fast food, I just have to schedule it in and make sure I have the points for it. It's all about planning. Planning is one of the keys to success on the WW plan.

I think I'm going to watch some TV because time is passing way too slow just sitting here. I'll update with my weigh in weight later.

Morning walk 6/13

First let me say that we went to Evan's graduation party last night and we had a great time. I don't know why I have such a difficult time thinking about going places. I stress out about it so much and then when I get there I always have a good time. It was great to see Evan and enjoy the company of everyone else. Lisa and I planned on going for a walk this morning. I need that nudge to go. I'm hoping to get out there on Monday, Wednesday and Friday each week. Bayou is in daycare those days. I need to get out there by 8am though so I can make my 9:30am Monday and 10:00am Friday WW meetings. I'd have to have time to come home and shower before the meetings. I'll try it and see if I can do it. I need to get out and walk.

So this morning we did the 1/2 mile loop and I was feeling pretty good so we tried to do it again. We made it half way and then walked back. But if I'm right that means we did a mile (half a mile plus a quarter of a mile plus a quarter of a mile back). That's pretty good. I am excited that I walked that much. I'm so grateful that Lisa comes out and walks with me. Having a reason to get there is helpful. The pace is pretty slow but at least I'm out there doing it. I feel like I accomplished something today. I walked instead of coming home and sleeping. Yay for me!

I weighed myself this morning after my walk and I weighed exactly 278.4. That's what I need to weigh to be at the 20 lbs lost mark. I don't know if that's what will show on the scale when I weigh in at WW tonight though. I'm going to try to drink more water today to help keep it there. I really would like to make that milestone. I'll be bummed if I'm off by .1 or .2. It is what it is though. I'm kind of shocked that I'm even this close after the week that I've had. I did stay within my points though so maybe that was enough to help me to get to 278.4. I just hope I can maintain that until I weigh in this evening. I'll be anxious all day thinking about getting to my meeting.

I read someone's blog on the WW site that really helped me today. She's having a lot of the same problems that I'm having with this weight loss journey - losing slower than I want to, being depressed and having to take medicine for it, reading about the journey that others are on and comparing myself to them and always coming out on the short end of the stick. There are so many people who are exercising like crazy and losing weight. I'm just not that girl at this point. I don't know that I ever will be. This journey will never be easy for me but it won't be as hard later as it is now either. I was somehow encouraged by her post. It is nice to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with all these issues. Misery does love company. lol

It's not my imagination -  my clothes are fitting looser. I have to keep hiking up my pants and can feel that they are looser around my waist. So I may not be losing weight like I want to but it is showing up in how my clothes are fitting. I'm pretty excited about that. I wore my "big" jeans last night to the party and they were indeed big on me. I need to try the other jeans that I have, the ones that were just a bit too tight and see how they feel now. Hopefully they will fit me better. If not I'll just have to keep wearing the "big" jeans. My stretchy pants are big too. I don't have drawstrings on them so at some point I'll just have to stop wearing them and get new ones. I like my stretchy pants for now. Once I've seriously dropped some weight I might be more comfortable in fitted clothes but for now the stretchy clothes are fine.

Time for my morning nap. I just took my morning meds a little bit ago and they are starting to kick in. I'll take a shower after my nap. I have dishes and laundry to do today and I have a couple of errands to run too. I'll do all that later. For now, it's nap time.

Slept off and on all day

For some reason I was really tired today so I slept off and on all day on the couch. I had to get up a lot to let Bayou in and out. Thankfully some of the time she slept so I could actually fall asleep. It's 2pm now and I'm up for the rest of the day. I did manage to have breakfast and lunch. I'm not sure what I'm going to do for dinner. I'm not really that hungry. I might see if I can just make brats for David. I had lunch late and don't really need anything. I can always have an english muffin if I get hungry. Oh yeah, we're supposed to go over to the Danforth's tonight for Evan's graduation party. We can't forget to do that. We have a card to drop off with $25 in it. I don't want to stay though because I'm not up to it today. I don't really want to go to a party. Today must be a down day for me. I guess that's why I slept all day.

I weighed myself this morning and I clocked in at 281.2. Wow! That's a lot more than I though I would weigh. Oh well, I'll just have more work to do to lose it again. I feel like it I don't take this seriously that I should just quit but I'm not going to do that. Having a bad week doesn't mean I have to quit. I just have to get back on plan from this point on. I ate the wrong things this past week. That's the simple truth. I did stay within my points but made bad choices on what I used those points for. I can't eat junk food and fast food and expect to lose weight.

I feel so blah today that I don't even feel like blogging. I feel like I don't have anything to contribute. I know that's not true, it just feels that way. All I want to do is to go back to sleep.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. I have to drop Bayou off at daycare, go to my appointment with Alicia, pick up Bayou in the afternoon and then go to my WW meeting in the evening. Right now that feels like a lot but I should have plenty of time between things to relax if I need to. David has golf tomorrow after work so Bayou will be in her kennel when I go to my meeting and weigh in. It won't be that long so she'll be okay.

I thought that I was really going to do well this week with my weight loss and instead ended up doing the complete opposite by gaining back weight that I had lost. So disappointing. And I was so close to my milestone too. Sheesh. So close. Oh well. I'm back on track now and will hopefully lose the weight by next Wednesday. One thing that's not helping is that I'm not drinking any water. I know my body is holding onto fluids because I'm not drinking any. I've got to figure out a way to change that. I need to drink 3 bottles of water a day. Right now I'm lucky if I drink half a bottle a day. I'll drink a whole soda but not water. All the sugar and carbonation aren't helping me lose weight. It's helping me to gain. I'm sure that's another reason why I feel like I'm dragging - no fluids to give me some energy. I've got to stop depriving myself of water. It's not healthy.

Why do I make so many bad choices? Why can't I see what these bad choices are doing to me? I mean, I see the aftermath but I can't seem to figure it out as it's going on. If I eat fast food I'm going to gain weight. I can't get away with doing that yet I continue to eat fast food. Which reminds me that I need to have a plan for tomorrow for dinner after my meeting or I'll end up getting fast food again. Now I'm feeling overwhelmed. I just need to have a plan and I don't right now. This is when it's hard to not eat a snack. I'm planning on having an ice cream sandwich (Skinny Cow) to help with the anxiety I'm feeling. It's not a good choice but I don't know what else to do. All I need to do to lose weight is to follow the WW plan and I can't even do that. I'm so disappointed right now.

I'm going to stop blogging because I'm getting upset. I'll blog again later.

Didn't do too bad today

I used all my daily points today but didn't use any of the 15 weekly points I have left. I did pretty good with my choices. For dinner we had grilled steak, salad and squash. It was yummy. I won't make my 20 lb lost goal this week but maybe next week. I'll get there soon. I'll probably be back into the 280's which will be disappointing but I won't beat myself up about it. I did the best I could this week. It wasn't my best effort but at least I didn't throw the towel in. I may falter but I will not give up.

It feels like the meeting I went to just this morning was a few days ago. I keep thinking that I'll weigh in tomorrow but it's not until Wednesday. I won't go to a meeting tomorrow since Bayou will be home with me.

I keep forgetting to look for those swim trunks. It's going to be in the 80's the rest of the week so I could go to the pool. I think it will be like walking though - I just won't get to it. My allergies are really bad because of smoke from a fire up north. Being outside isn't the best thing right now. It's all hazy out. Maybe I'll start working out once I lose more weight. I still hurt when I walk from the knee problem. I get out of breath easily too. I do find though that as long as I'm moving I do okay. If I have to stand still it's really difficult. I feel like I'm going to pass out or give out. It's not a comfortable feeling. I know I'll feel better as I lose weight. I just have to practice some patience.

The support and encouragement I get on the WW online community is invaluable. I know that no matter what is happening, good or bad, that someone will be there to tell me that they believe in me and they are behind me. I appreciate that.

Monday morning WW meeting (6/11)

I dropped Bayou off at doggie daycare and fully intended to go home and go back to bed until Maria (the cleaning lady) came at 11am. Thankfully I looked at my agenda for the day and realized it was Monday and I have a 9:30am WW meeting scheduled. In that moment I had to decide whether I was going to sleep or go to the meeting. I know that Pat, the meeting leader, always puts me in a good mood with her humor so I decided to go to the meeting. I did lie down for about an hour then I got up and took a shower. I went to the meeting and was glad I went. Besides the good mood, I got to see some people getting awards for losing weight. That always inspires me and gives me hope. One woman reached lifetime today. That was very exciting. She's lost about 55 lbs since October. She really made me feel like losing the weight is possible. She looks fit and healthy now. I'm so glad that people like her continue to attend the meetings. It's gives the rest of us hope to reach our goals.

I'm glad I went to the meeting. It sets the tone for my day. It's always upbeat and funny. I can use that to start off my day especially since I had so much trouble this past weekend. I feel like I am back on track today though. I weighed myself again this morning and I'm at 280.8. I'm hoping I can get to that 20 lbs lost mark but, like Dori says, if it's not my week this week then it will be soon. I really think I have some kind of mental block when it comes to this milestone though. Not sure what it is but I'll think about it. It's going to have to come at some point though because I'm not giving up.

I still haven't gone for a walk or for a dip in the pool. I have to look for those swim trunks and try them on to see if they fit. I'm sure they will. It's a little cool today for the pool (only 64 degrees) but it's suppose to be in the 80's the rest of the week. I keep forgetting to call about the pool hours so I just did. It opens at 7:30am!! Wow that's early. I don't think I'd go over that early but now I know I can go over around 9 or 10am and swim or walk. Maybe even 8am to get it out of the way. I'll have to see how that goes. I've got to get some exercise in though. That can only help me to lose weight.

I've got to start doing something different for lunch. I've been having a ham and cheese sandwich on sandwich thins breads along with some chips. I try to have a piece of fruit with lunch too. I'm not bored with it but I'm thinking that I should do veggies instead of chips. It's hard for me to go without the chips though. I'm kind of addicted to them (it's the salt). I know the sodium isn't good for me and makes me retain fluids. I think that's why I'm not losing weight this week - too much sodium in all the junk food I've been eating. There's sodium in the ham too. The cheese may have sodium too for all I know. Maybe I could just add the veggies for now and slowly phase out the chips. I don't want to just go cold turkey on the chips. Then I'd be craving them all the time. Like everything else, I'll see how it goes. lol

I got the latest WW magazine in the mail. I'll look through it later. There's an article on breaking out of the breakfast rut. I eat the same thing for breakfast every day too so that might help. There are also 42 recipes in this issue. I look forward to the success stories more than anything though. They are usually big transformations. Just like the people in the meeting today, the success stories give me hope and encouragement. I know I can do this if I just put my mind to it. I have to stop letting emotions sidetrack me. I can't eat every time I'm bored. If I do I'll end up gaining back all the weight I've lost. I don't want that to happen so I need to get on the ball and work this plan.

The WW plan is simple (eat within your daily points target and move more) but it's not easy. If just knowing the right thing to do was the answer I'd be thin by now. But it's not just knowing. It's the doing. It's changing your lifestyle and making food less of a priority than it currently is. It's also about dealing with your emotions straight on instead of eating to get rid of them. All that does anyway is stuff them down. It doesn't really get rid of them. They are there lurking in the background just waiting to get you when you least expect it. Like what happened to me this past weekend. I was upset about not being at the kid's graduation and felt bad (like I'd failed) and so I ate. A lot. A whole lot. I used all but 15 of my weekly points and I hadn't done that since I've been back on WW. I know it's okay to use my weekly points (that's why they are there) but without exercise I'm just going to gain weight. I didn't need to eat fast food last night. It is really making getting to my milestone difficult.

So I have a lot to think about. I have to learn how to deal with my feelings in a way that doesn't involve food. I'll talk to Alicia about that on Wednesday. I'm looking forward to weigh in on Wednesday even if I've gained. It will be a good benchmark for me to see how I do with using my weekly points. I don't think I'll use up the 15 points that are left but they are there if I need them.

That's about it for now. More later.

Still eating because of emotions

This time it's boredom. That's an emotion, right? LOL Do I really need a reason to eat? Not really. I just keep coming up with excuses to eat. Good day, bad day, indifferent day - all reasons to eat crap. Today I did okay until dinner. I didn't really want to make dinner so I went out and got fast food for us. I always feel bad after I do it. I have to get to a point where I think twice about it BEFORE I do it. I'm just not there yet though. I weigh in on Wednesday and I'm sure I'll have gained some weight back. I seem to have a mental block about losing 20 lbs. Only .4 lbs away and I can't get there. I wonder what it is about making this milestone that scares me.

I just weighed myself and I'm at 281. That's up from 278.8. It's not terrible but I'd rather be going in the other direction. I guess there's still hope for Wednesday but I'm not going to get my hopes up too much.

I've used all but 15 of my 49 weekly points. I just looked back at the past couple of weeks and on Saturday's I end up using more than my daily allowance (41). It's good to have the information to look back on. I'm going to have to come up with a strategy for the weekends, especially Saturdays. I know part of it is that I'm bored on the weekends so I need to do more than just lay around.

I just turned on "Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition". That show inspired me because these people are bigger than me and end up losing half (or more) of their body weight. The do it over a years time so it's not an overnight type of thing. These people eat better and are more active and lose the weight by doing the right things. It's not easy for them and they have to work through a lot but they keep with it and lose the weight. I know if I just follow the WW plan I can be that person who loses half their body weight safely. I started out at almost 300 pounds. I'd like to get to 150 lbs. I'm not sure if that's realistic or not so I've set my goal at 174 pounds (the high end of the range for someone my height). I've weighed as low as 130 pounds as an adult (in my 20's) and not only is that not realistic, I don't think it would be healthy. Right now I just need to hit that 20 lbs lost mark. I know I can do it if I try.

I know that this journey is, at it's core, about me, about how I feel about myself. I have to care enough about myself to feel that I deserve to lose weight, that I deserve to look good. I was a skinny kid but once all the drama and chaos was so evident in our family I started gaining weight. Food became my comfort, my buddy, my drug. It made me feel better. It really, really made me feel better. When everything else failed me and made me feel bad, food made me feel good. I could definitely count on food to comfort me in the bad times. And there were a lot of bad times.

Now it's not so much that I'm living in a bad situation outside myself, it's the bad situation I live in inside myself. Every day I have to deal with being bi-polar and having PTSD. I have to deal with some sort of disorder when it comes to my eating and my weight too. There are a lot of head games  going on with this weight loss journey. I have to love myself enough to figure out what the games are and changing them to winning games for me. No one is going to do this for me. Yes, there is support and encouragement online, in the meetings and with David, but if I don't do this, it won't happen.

What will that healthier me look like? This weight had been my shield from so many things. What will I do when that shield no longer exists? Is that what I'm afraid of, losing that shield?

The rest of the conversation will have to wait until I'm more awake. It's bedtime.

Emotional eating

I admit it. I'm going to have a Cherry Coke and a Twix because I'm feeling emotional. I sent a text to the graduates and Sara texted back that she wished I could have been there. That made me sad. I really would have liked to have been there. How do you explain though that you can't be there because you're too fat to fly comfortably. Embarrassing. So I'm going to drown my sorrows in junk food. There are worse things, I know, but this is my drug of choice - food. I probably won't make the 20 lbs lost mark this week but I can live with that. It will come eventually. I have 3 days to try to get there though. It's not impossible but not probable. Again, I'm okay with that if it doesn't happen. It's not like I've really tried to make it happen this week. I think I have some sort of mental block about making this milestone. I have been .4 away from this goal twice now. Last time I quit. This time I will prevail. It may take me some time but I will conquer this milestone.

David is home with my snacks. I'm glad he offered to go to the store. I wouldn't have gone myself. He's not always the best help with this weight loss thing. Of course, I'm not much help with it myself.

I'm going to practice some compassion here. I really am upset that I couldn't be there at graduation. I'm also upset that I don't have any kids of my own. It's times like this that I really feel the void. It's nice to have nieces, nephews and step sons but nothing is like having your own child. I will never know that feeling. That makes me sad. That's a lot to deal with and if I need to turn to food, oh well.

Here's a picture of Amy and Sara with their friends at graduation. Amy is on the left and Sara is right next to her.

I feel a little bit better seeing a picture of them. It's certainly not the same as being there but at least I get to see a picture of them.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. I think David may go fishing in the morning. I'll probably try to sleep in if Bayou will let me. That probably won't happen though. At least I won't feel as bad as I did last Sunday when I spent the morning crying because I was so tired and Bayou got me up early. That was terrible. I'm not as tired this weekend and I'm expecting Bayou to get me up early so it won't be as bad. I was really bad off last weekend. At least I don't feel that bad today.

My Twix is history. 16 points worth of junk. Not really worth it but it did calm me down. I hate the food does that but it does. That's why I called it my drug of choice. It has the effect that a drug would have on me. It's amazing really that food can have that kind of effect. Sad too.

Bi-polar disorder and weight loss

Having bi-polar disorder and trying to lose weight is difficult because I want to eat if I'm feeling up and I want to eat if I'm feeling down. Right now I don't really have a happy medium. I've already had breakfast, lunch and dinner but I still want more to eat. I'll probably have a cup of chocolate milk and english muffin later. I'll use up the rest of my daily points and a few of my weekly points but that's okay. I don't see Dr. Fouss (my psychiatrist) until August. I can always go in sooner if I need to get my meds increased. I don't think I realize just how up and down my days are until I am blogging every day like I am right now. There's no real reason for me to feel down today but I do. Yesterday I felt up and there wasn't a good reason for that either. It's hard to figure how I'll feel day to day.

I did go to a WW meeting this morning at 9am. Ila was the leader of the meeting. She did a good job of making the meeting interesting. I am glad I went but it seems like it was days ago that I was there. There's kind of a disconnect for me today. I'm looking forward to my Monday meeting already. I'm retaining water and seeing a 3 lb gain because I'm not drinking any water. I haven't even had a half a bottle of water today. I have to drink water so I won't retain water but it's really difficult for me to do it. I'll try as the evening goes on.

I just realized that today is graduation day for my 2 nieces, Amy and Sara, and my nephew, Tim. I think I've been depressed because I couldn't make it back to Mass. to be there for their graduation. I'm just too big to travel. Fitting into an airplane seat is so difficult. I have to use and extender to get the seat belt buckled. That's embarrassing. And all the walking is difficult too. I hate to have missed a once in a life time event but that's the price I pay for being so big. That may be why I am feeling down today. So I guess there is a reason for how I feel today. Again, the disconnect with how I'm feeling and what's going on in my day.

I'm also bored again today. It's really hot out and I don't want to be outside so I'm stuck inside watching TV all day. I could have done some other things or we could have gone to a movie or something but we didn't. Boring. I'm glad I haven't wanted to snack all day long. I am craving a soda though. I thought about getting one earlier but probably wouldn't go now since it's almost 7pm. No need to get one now.

We didn't go to Estela's today. I'm glad we didn't because I know I would have ordered french fries if we did go. I don't need all that food especially when I'm already 3 lbs heavier than I was on Wednesday.

I feel like I could go to bed now. I'd like to just take my evening meds and go to sleep. That's not surprising since I'm depressed and bored today. Maybe I'll feel better later. We're watching the Stanley Cup Final so at least there is something on TV. I think I can make it through the game. Then it's definitely bed time.

What am I doing up at 5am?

I woke up for the first time when David's alarm went off. It's Saturday and it shouldn't have gone off. Except yesterday I had to shut it off and didn't know how to for sure. I guess I set it instead of turning it off. Oh well. I was able to get back to sleep but then woke up just a little bit later because I had to go to the bathroom. When I went back to bed, Bayou was laying on my pillow. It took everything I had to move her so I could scrunch into bed. As soon as I laid down I realized that I had forgot to charge her e-collar and remote so I got up to do that. Had to look around for both so it kind of woke me up. So I decided to stay up and blog.

I had many snacks after I blogged last night. My first snack was an apple and some walnuts. I had that around 7:30pm. Then later I had some chips. Much later I had 2/3 of a glass of chocolate milk. I had the points to eat/drink all that too. I was glad because it felt "wrong" to be snacking. I had to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with using all my daily points. I still had 2 daily points left even after all that. I've only used 1 of my weekly points so far this week (I reset on Wednesday). The only problem is that I weighed myself yesterday and I was up 3 lbs!! I'm not sure why that is but I'm going to have to keep an eye on my weight for the next few days. I only had to lose .4 to get to the 20 lbs lost mark. I'm going to be very disappointed if I don't make it this week. I won't be mean to myself, I'll just be disappointed.

David said something about going to Estela's today but I don't know that going there would be a good idea. I can't resist the french fries when I go there. I could just get the 2 enchiladas (no beans and no rice) but realistically could I go and not get the french fries? I don't think so. So I'd just be putting myself into the way of temptation by going. I'm still up about 3 pounds (just weighed myself) so I'm going to say no to going today to Estela's for mexican food.

I'll just have my usual for breakfast and lunch (3 PP value bowl of cereal and 11 PP value sandwich and chips) and have some salad and some meat for dinner. I may not even have the meat for dinner, just a salad and some fruit. I've got to shed these 3 lbs I'm hanging on to. I'm not drinking enough water so I'm sure I'm retaining water because of that. I really hate drinking water so it's hard for me to get all the water in that I should (48 oz +.). I like it better cold but end up drinking it warm because it sits for so long. I need to get a cold bottle out of the fridge so that I can drink it without so much trouble. It makes me feel like I'm going to gag drinking it warm. That's not pleasant. I drink it better when I have tea but I have to put sugar in it which doesn't help. I'm going to have to figure something out because retaining the water isn't helping me.

It's too early for breakfast so I'll wait until later to have it. I could go to the 7:30am WW meeting since I'm up so early. Or I could go back to bed and go to the 9am meeting. I don't think I'll be able to stay up until 7:30am. If I got up at 7am I could still make it to the meeting. Maybe I'll try to do that which means I need to get back to bed.

Let's see what I end up doing... (maybe no meeting at all?)

Bored - blogging vs. eating

David doesn't want to watch the ballgame because the Yankees are winning so we're watching "Wicked Attraction" a show about couples who do crimes together. I'm kind of bored so I'm blogging instead of eating. I'm not hungry but I could easily eat because I'm bored. I really don't want to do that even though I have the points left. I don't want to eat for the wrong reasons. If anything I'll just have a piece of fruit. And if that doesn't work I'll have another piece of fruit or some baby carrots. No eating junk because I'm bored. I had planned on having something later if I was hungry, probably an english muffin with butter and jelly, but I'm not hungry now so I won't have it until later.

It's difficult to deal with emotional eating. I know that instead of eating I need to figure out what I'm feeling. I don't have to fix it, I just have to see if I can figure out what I'm feeling. I think I'm feeling anxious because a neighbor came by to drop off some of our mail that they got in their mail box and we talked about being sick this past winter. She had the same thing going on that I did. Kind of weird if you ask me. It's called polymyalgia rheumatica (PMR). I had forgotten that I was diagnoses with that. I guess the fact that I didn't remember that made me feel anxious. Here's what the Mayo Clinic site has to say about it:


Polymyalgia rheumatica is an inflammatory disorder that causes muscle pain and stiffness, primarily in your neck, shoulders, upper arms, hips and thighs. Symptoms of polymyalgia rheumatica (pol-ee-my-AL-juh roo-MA-ti-kah) usually begin quickly over a few days.

 I think I'm worried because my knee/thigh still hurts and my hips are hurting tonight. I'm sure it's just an achy thing and not a flare up but it worries me because it stopped me cold from November until February. The steroid shot I got in my back helped with it so I know that steroids would help again if it flared up. I wouldn't wait so long to get the steroids like I did last winter. If I have trouble with my arms or if I have trouble walking again I'll get seen by a doctor right away.

Anyway, I have to remind myself that this weight loss journey is not about perfection but about doing the best I can. That doesn't mean I'll always make the right choice, it just means that I'll try to make a better decision each time I'm tempted by eating. A piece of fruit is a good choice if I just can't keep from eating for emotional reasons. So I guess I'll have an apple and then see how I feel.

More later.

TGIF!

It's Friday. Even though I don't work I still like the weekend getting here. Though it's tougher food wise I like the ease of the weekend. I did the grocery shopping this afternoon. I'm glad to have it done. I had been waiting until Monday to shop but there were too many things I needed so I just did it today. I had a lot of realizations after shopping today:

* shopping goes a lot quicker now
* I spend most of my time in the produce section
* I spend almost all my time shopping in the perimeter of the store
* I only go down aisles for things I plan on getting
* I am able to keep to my $100/week budget a lot easier
* I don't mind shopping as much because I now it will not be a big ordeal
* the grocery bags are heavier because I'm buying REAL food not processed stuff
* walking around the store is easier
* putting groceries away is easier

Things really change when I'm living the WW lifestyle. It effects more than just my weight. I get some activity in by shopping and putting groceries away and I get healthy food to eat. It's good for me all around to live the WW lifestyle.

I didn't get to a meeting today. I slept in instead. I'm glad I slept in. I feel much better than I would have had I not slept in. I'm not sure if I'll get to a meeting this weekend. I'll definitely go on Monday. I really enjoy Pat's meeting. She always makes us laugh and has a lot to tell us about. She did talk again about the new location (across the street) opening maybe in July. She said it would be open all the time which would be nice. There are 3 meetings on Saturday and 1 on Sunday. David is going fishing tomorrow morning so I'd have to put Bayou in her kennel but I wouldn't be gone too long so she'd be okay. Sunday morning he'll be home so I could definitely go then if I want to. Ila does 2 of the Saturday meetings and Anne does the Sunday meeting. I like both of them so either would be fine. I just like going to meetings. lol

I've been a lot easier on myself since I talked to Alicia on Wednesday. I've been kinder to myself about how I'm doing and what I'm doing. I still want to get out there and walk but I'm not beating myself up because I haven't gotten out there yet. It's made a big in how I feel. I have a lot less anxiety than I was having last week. It's nice to be more relaxed about all life and not put so much pressure on myself.

I still have 17 points left for the day because I didn't have lunch. I ate my cereal for lunch actually and didn't have breakfast until lunch time. lol That was confusing. Anyway, I still have a lot of points left but I'm certainly not hungry now since we just had dinner (cheeseburgers with lots of veggies on them). I may have some fruit later but that's probably it. Maybe I'll have some walnuts too. That will use up a few points. I'm not too concerned about using up all my points since I'm eating well and choosing healthier options.

I know I've been going back and forth about how many meetings I'm going to attend each week but just taking a week off made me realize that I really like going to at least 3 meetings a week. I feel more grounded and in touch when I go to multiple meetings. Plus I just like Pat and Christine and it's nice to see them. I'm really hoping that next Wednesday I'll have lost more than .4 lbs so I'll get my 20 lbs. lost 5 lb star. That would make me very happy. I'll keep tabs on my weight during the coming week and see where I'm at just so there's no big surprise when I get to my weigh in. I'm sure I can do it. Then it will be on to the 25 lbs lost mark. Right now I'm at the same weight I was at when I quit in December so I'm really looking forward to getting past this point (again). This time I know I will do it.

At Wednesday night's meeting Dori asked us if it was harder or easier to lose weight during the summer. For some it was harder because their schedules were too lax compared to the rest of the year (teachers for one). For others it is all the holidays, events and outings that make it hard (way too many BBQ's with all the sides). Then their were people who thought it was easier because you can get out more during the summer (swimming, hiking). For me it doesn't really make a difference because I don't work outside the home (except for the few small computer jobs I get) and we don't go to many BBQ's at other people's houses so we're pretty much in control of what we eat (which doesn't mean we control what we eat all the time I might add). Dori also talked about making some kind of goal for the summer (the topic of the week). I realized that my goals that I had set were too ambitious and so I changed them to one realistic goal (going to a meeting and weighing in every week). Since I'm not going anywhere this summer that shouldn't be too hard to do. And hopefully at some points I'll get out there and start walking since the weather is so nice. I'll have to get out there early though because the temps are in the 80's and 90's during the middle of the day.

I'm so glad I have this blog. It helps me to work things out and just get out what I'm thinking. I get more in touch with where I am mentally and physically when I blog. What did we do before we had blogs? LOL

I'm achy today. I'll probably lie down for a while to help the pain go away. I took a muscle relaxer and a pain pill. That has helped a bit but my hips are really sore from sitting in my chair so I'll lie down in just a little while. We're watching the Mets vs. Yankees baseball game on TV. I like listening to the sound of the game. It relaxes me.

I think that's it for now.

Headache all day

I've been dealing with a headache all day today. It feels like a sinus headache. Some of the day I felt nauseous. I've spent most of the day on the couch. So no activity points for me today. I did keep within my points for the day and feel like I ate enough for the day. I still have about 8 points left of my daily points and all of my weekly points too. I took it easy today. It felt good to take care of myself. Right now I'm very nervous because we are having a thunderstorm and there's lots of hail. It makes me really anxious. David is already in bed, not that he could really do anything to prevent a window breaking or anything. I'd get him up though if anything broke. It seems to have let up a bit. Kitty and Lisa had golf ball size hail at their homes. I hope it doesn't get any worse. I'm anxious enough. I'm watching the news to keep an eye on what's going on. Thankfully the anxiety isn't causing me to want to eat. If anything I'm only craving an apple. LOL That doesn't happen very often. The satellite keeps going out so I'm not getting TV. It sounds like the storm has really let up though so I think we're okay. The storms have been bad the last 2 nights. I hate storms. Basically I hate any kind of bad weather - snow, rain, fog, hail. I hate it all. There have been tornadoes out east. Yikes!

Tomorrow, weather permitting, I'll bring Bayou to daycare in the morning. I don't have any plans for the rest of the day. David will be home by 2pm though because he goes into work early. If I still feel like I do now I'll just sleep all day. I'll probably pick up Bayou around the time that David gets home. I don't like to pick her up too late on Friday afternoons.

The storm has passed. It's moved out east.

I might go to the 10am WW meeting tomorrow. Christine is the leader for that meeting. There will be less people in that meeting than the Wednesday night meeting so it will be a little less busy. The chit chat was high again in the Wednesday  night meeting. I think Dori is going to have to say something so those of us sitting near the chit chatters can hear what's going on. There's one person in the meeting who talks in turn but has something to say about everything. That person monopolized the leader's time before the meeting too. People were in line to be weighed in too. Christine went up front and got people to weigh in in the back. That was very nice of her to do since I was one of the people in the double line up front so I appreciated the help.

The topic this week in the meetings is setting a summer goal. I have set some goals but I think they were not realistic. I think they were the kind of goals that would put a lot of pressure on me. I think I'm going to erase those goals and come up with just one goal for the summer. My one goal is to make it to my Wednesday night meeting every week to weigh in. In case of weather I'll either weigh in earlier on Wednesday or on Thursday morning. The goal is to weigh in each week and attend a meeting. There's no longer a weight goal. I'll lose what I'll lose. I can't make myself lose weight. It will happen the way it's supposed to happen.

Slept in

I was up early and took Bayou to daycare. When I got home I took my morning medicine and went back to bed. I didn't wake up until David called me at 11:30am!! I didn't go to bed until midnight again last night and then David got a call on the duty pager at about 3am so I was up then fixing his lunch. When I get scattered sleep like that I'm usually tired all day but today I decided to just sleep in. It felt good. Not too much of a sinus headache today which is good. It's almost noon and I haven't had anything to eat yet. There's no bread for lunch and very few chips. I need to take a shower before I can go to the store though. So, I think I'll have a bowl of cereal instead and have a sandwich later. I need to plan something for dinner too. I don't have anything here for dinner. I'm too tired to think right now. I have to pick up Bayou at some point too. Sleeping in is nice but it sure does crunch up the rest of the day.

It's Friday so things will be slow on the WW online community. The weekends are especially slow in the summer since everyone is out enjoying the nice weather. I don't know if we're expecting storms again this evening or not. I hope not. I hate the storms. I need to make sure I pick up Bayou early enough to miss out on any storms. I need to get out more. I'm always shut up in the house. The allergy doctor told me to stay in with the AC on to avoid allergies but I'm getting cabin fever doing that. I need to get out once in a while. I should do it to go walking every day but I'm still too unmotivated too do that. I have things to do around here too (laundry, dishes, putting the trash out, cleaning out our closet, organizing the bins in the guest bedroom) but I'm not doing much beside sleeping. I can't go on sleeping all day. I'll never feel like I have a life if all I do is sleep. I need to get moving and be outside more. I also need to get to bed at a decent hour and not stay up when I get up in the middle of the night. I drag all day when I do that. If I don't take care of myself I'm going to end up sick again and I don't want that.

More later.

Up in the middle of the night once again

I probably should have gone right back to bed but I couldn't resist taking a look at email, facebook and the WW online community. I posted my blog post late so only had one response. The woman who responded said that she goes through the same thing with compassion and love for others - it's just not there for herself. She appreciated the blog post. I'm glad that I could strike a chord with people. I'm hoping to get more responses in the morning. I think it's important for all of us to have compassion and self-love. We need to be forgiving too, with ourselves and others. i feel like it's a good place to start.

I'm still excited about showing a .8 weight loss this week. I knew to expect it because I weighed myself at home before going to the meeting. I was thrilled to have a loss after the difficult week that I had. I ate fast food twice, I had soda multiple times and I never did get out and walk. What I did do right this past week was to choice fruit and salad more often, to refrain from drinking soda every night and I tracked everything I ate and drank. I also went to my WW meetings and did my weigh in on Wednesday night. Those are a lot of good things and I need to focus on them. And to lose .8 in addition to all that is cool! I'm psyched too that I'm only .4 away from the 20 lbs lost mark and another 5 lb star. And I'm only 5.4 lbs away from the 25 lbs lost mark. I'll get hardware for that loss (either from the meeting or I'll buy one online on eBay). It's a ring, kind of looks like a washer, that has 25 lbs on it. I want all the hardware I can get. I need the 10% key chain though to put it all on. So the journey continues.

Lost .8 at weigh in tonight

I lost almost a pound tonight. I was pretty happy with that considering the week that I've had. I still have .4 to go to get to the 20 lbs lost mark. I'll be there next week hopefully. I'm looking forward to getting my next 5 lb star. I checked in with Christine and she was excited for me. Dori was there tonight so we did a lot of awards. One woman, who is a lifetime member, has lost 90 lbs. That was encouraging to see that someone has lost that much weight. I'm glad that people who have lost a lot of weight still come to meetings.

I did talk to Alicia today about my weight loss situation. She asked me how I would treat someone who was in the same situation that I am in. I told her that I would be nice to them and tell them it would be okay. She said that I needed to do the same thing for myself. I need to have some compassion for myself. I never really thought about being nice to myself and cutting myself some slack like I would for someone else. Knowing that allowed me to go to my weigh in tonight. I thought about not going but decided that it would be good for me to go, so I did. I'm glad I went. Losing .8 was a big deal for me. Plus I needed the support and encouragement that a meeting gives me. It was nice of Christine to notice that I was so close to my next milestone.

I so want to get to the 20 lb mark next weigh in. I'm going to try to do better this coming week. Tonight I got the rotisserie chicken for dinner. I made a salad with it. I also got some french bread to go with it. It was a delicious dinner. It was so much better than fast food. I'm glad I took the time to get the chicken and make the salad. David enjoyed it too. I had plenty of points to use because I didn't have lunch today. Next weigh in day I'm not going to skip lunch though. I don't think it's a good idea. I'll hopefully be at a big enough loss that eating lunch won't take it away. Even if it does, I'd rather wait for the real loss than miss lunch. I certainly can lose .4 in a week's time.

I'm going to try to remember what Alicia told me today regarding having compassion for myself. She also wanted me to remind myself that I don't need to put pressure on myself, that I need to relax and not get down on myself regarding my weight loss. I need to be kind to myself this coming week. I also need to tell myself that I don't have to be perfect and there will be ups and downs. I need to treat myself as compassionately as I would treat anyone else.

Well, it's bedtime so I'm going to quit for the night. Hooray for losing .8 this past week!

Anxious for weigh in tonight

I have 4 hours until weigh in tonight. I have to admit that I'm trying my best not to eat until after weigh in. I don't think it's the best idea but I so want to weigh under 280 tonight. After today I don't think I'll do this again because I don't like going all day without eating. Just having breakfast isn't enough. It also makes me focus on food and then tell myself I can't have any. Not a good plan. I don't know if I can make it until 5pm anyway. I'll just have to see how it goes. I have to leave in about 15 minutes for my appointment with Alicia. I did look up eating disorders physicians and there are a few in town who specialize in that field. The one I'd be interested in though doesn't take insurance which is a bummer. I'll have to continue my search. I'm going to talk to Alicia about it this afternoon too and see what she has to say. I don't think she has any training in eating disorders though. I'm not even sure what I want to talk about. I guess it would be my attitude about losing weight. Why don't I make healthier choices in the food I eat? Why don't I increase my physical activity level by walking? Why is food and being lazy so much more important to me than losing weight? There must be a payoff if I continue doing these behaviors. Is it that being fat is easy? It takes hard work to lose weight. Am I just not willing to do the work? Hopefully Alicia can help me out a bit on this. I have to get ready to go. More later.

Weigh in day

Today is weigh in day. I did an unofficial weigh in this morning and I'm at 280 exactly. I'm hoping to have a few ounces disappear before weigh in tonight at my WW meeting. I was at 279.6 last week. I don't know if I'll get there today. So that means I might have a slight gain this week. That's not surprising considering all the crap I've eaten this week (fast food 2x, cookies, soda). I'm just glad to be where I am right now as far as the scale is concerned. I just had my bowl of cereal for breakfast and I probably won't have anything else until after my meeting. I'm planning on having rotisserie chicken and salad for dinner tonight which means a stop at the store before I pick up Bayou. Alicia changed my appointment time today to 2pm so I'll go to the store right after that and then pick up Bayou. I probably won't see David before he leaves for golf. Of course, they are predicting a storm this afternoon so who knows if he'll play golf or not. I'll go to my meeting at 5:30pm whether he is home or not.

I'm still feeling like a cheater when it comes to WW. I didn't go for a walk this morning even though I have plenty of time now. I ate all that junk from McDonald's last night. No wonder I'm at 280 lbs! What's it going to take to make real change?

Blogging really shows me how bad my bipolar disorder is. I'm so up and down with my posts and with how I feel. I don't think I realize just how up and down I am until I start blogging every day. It shows a lot when I blog.

Back to what will make real change happen for me. I think I just want the weight loss to happen a lot quicker than it is happening but since I don't do what it takes to make that happen I'm kind of in a dilemma now aren't I? I know if I worked hard at this (meaning walking at least 3 times a week and making healthier food choices more often) I could lose weight every week. But since I'm too lazy to do either, I'll just stay the same or gain. I don't want to drink my water, I don't want to eat my fruits and veggies and I don't want to increase my activity level. I don't want to do the things that it will take to lose the weight.

All I do is sleep during the day. I have things to get done and I don't do them because I'm too busy sleeping. I have laundry and dishes to do. I could be going for a walk. Instead, I sleep. My morning meds do make me drowsy but I could take them earlier instead of in the middle of the morning. I know they are going to make me sleep so I need to be prepared for that. If I took them earlier if wouldn't interfere so much with my day. Just another good choice that I don't make.

I think WW needs to add a section to their site called "Struggle Stories". It would be stories about how people are or were struggling and how they got through it. The success stories are nice but I'd like to see people where I'm at right now. I think a section like that could be very helpful. I doubt they would do that but it's an idea.

So, again, what would make me change and work at losing weight? I don't want it to be a huge struggle every day. I won't stick with it if it is. So how do I make it a bit easier and something I want to do day in and day out? I think I need to prepare myself better mentally for this journey. I have to be okay with craving the junk food and okay with saying no to it. I feel like I have to give in to the cravings so that I don't drive myself crazy thinking about it. It's not like I can just have a taste and be done with it. I'm not able to just have a taste. I have to have it all. Do I get around that by not having those foods at all (deprivation)? That I think would make me want the food even more. So I don't think that is the answer. I'd like to talk to Alicia about this today. She's not a food therapist but maybe she could help with my thought process. I really need to see a food therapist for this stuff. I think I'll do some research and see if I can find anyone here in town.

I'm going to go and do that research and come back to this later.

Points

I used 55 points today. My DPT is 41 so I am 14 points over for the day. Thankfully I had the weekly points to draw from and still have 14 of those left. I also have 16 AP's left. I usually don't use those points. Everything resets tonight at midnight since tomorrow is weigh in day. I'll weigh myself in the morning and see where I'm at. It helps me to know so I don't get caught off guard at weigh in. Even though I'm not feeling good about my effort I'm still going to the meeting tomorrow night. It can only help to go to meetings. I don't know who I will weigh in with. I usually want to weigh in with Dori but I'm not sure I could get any time with her so I may just weigh in with one of the receptionists. I'll decide that when I get there. Who knows, maybe I'll have a better day tomorrow. Right now I feel really depressed. My mortality is looking me square in the face again. Who knows how much time I have left in this life and I'm wasting it being fat and unhappy.

There are so many things that I don't do because of the way I look and how I feel being so big. I should have gone to Evan's graduation but didn't have anything nice to wear. I don't have any dress up clothes that fit well. I look bad no matter what I wear. You can't dress up 300 lbs. Well, I guess you could if you had a lot of money to buy appropriate clothes for the weight of the person. I've seen a show on TV for big women and they dress them in reasonable clothes that make them look good. All I wear is my gray clothes - a gray tee shirt with gray light weight sweats that are stretchy and baggy. I don't wear color very much anymore. I'm not wanting to accentuate anything. I wear all gray to make everything blend together. All black is supposed to make you look thinner so I'm thinking that all gray will make you almost invisible. LOL

Well it's almost midnight so I'm going to go do bed.

Unofficial weigh in

I weighed in at the allergy doctor's office today. The nurse had me take off my shoes and I was wearing what I normally do on WI day. My weight - 279.5. Down .1 from last week. However on the way home from the doctor's office I decided to get fast food instead of stopping at the store to pick up something healthier for dinner. I don't know how my WI will go tomorrow now that I've done that. Another bad choice.

So, how do I get myself to want this bad enough that I don't sabotage myself? I wish I knew. I guess I haven't hit bottom yet weight wise. Being near 300 pounds woke me up back in September and I joined WW. What will keep me going? I'm down about 20 lbs since then but I don't seem to want to do the work it will take to lose more. Why is that?

Why is food, especially junk food, so much more important to me than losing weight? The fast food isn't good for me. Even if it's within my points, it's not the best choice. Yet I still make the choice to get it. Sheesh!

I thought the stickers and charms would motivate me but obviously they don't. I was almost going to buy them all instead of earning them but I decided not to do that. They won't mean as much if I buy them all before I even earn them. I'm only 6 lbs away from my 25 lbs lost charm but I can't even lose the 1.2 lbs I need to lose to get to the 20 lbs lost mark. I could have done that this week but I didn't try. It's that simple. I didn't try. It was more important to me to eat junk food than to lose the weight.

I'm not being mean or beating myself up. I'm just being honest. Something I don't do most of the time. I play silly mind games. I tell myself as long as I track it, it's okay to eat it. I think I get kudos for tracking even though it's not always healthy or the best choice. Tracking should make me think twice about what I'm eating but it doesn't.

I always want to say something at meetings to get "Bravo" stickers but I have realized that I don't really deserve them at this point so I haven't been saying anything. It's not that I'm not doing anything right it's that I know what the reason is I do stuff. It's to get the attention or the stickers. It's not because I want to do the right thing by me. It's not because losing weight is the best thing for me or is even important to me. I just like telling people I'm on WW, like that's enough. The natural question from people after I say that is "how much weight have you lost?" I'm embarrassed to say that I've only lost 20 lbs in 8 month's time so I don't tell people I'm on WW. I don't want people to get the wrong idea about WW. I'm a poor spokesperson for the WW plan at this point.

I know there are ups and downs in the weight loss journey. I know it's not about perfection. But it has to be about trying and I'm not doing that. I'm playing games and I won't be successful by playing games.

If I really wanted to lose weight...

* wouldn't I go for a short walk every day?
* wouldn't I change the way I eat?
* wouldn't I have an easier time saying no to junk food?

How do I know I really don't want this? Because I'm not making those choices and I'm not losing the weight. It's all a show for me. I just want the stars and stickers and bling. I just want the rewards without doing the things that I need to do.  That's how I know I don't really want this.

Food attack

Last night for some reason I had a food attack. I stayed up late watching TV and at some point I grabbed the bag of chips and just kind of went to town on them. I probably ate at least 2 servings or more of them. It wasn't a complete disaster points wise but it was mentally. I just couldn't stop myself from eating or if I could, I didn't want to. It felt so scary. I did, in the middle of the night, track what I did though. So maybe that's a good thing that I automatically track now but I just didn't like attacking food like that. I did weigh myself this morning and I'm at 279.6 (what I weighed at WI last week). The only problem is that I want to lose weight not maintain weight right now. I don't think there's any hope of me losing the 1.2 lbs I need to make the 20 lbs lost mark this week. So I struggle on to do it again next week. Am I afraid of losing the weight and reaching another milestone? I don't know if I am. I also want to stay out of the 280's. Why am I not working harder to make that happen? I don't know why.

I could be getting up early every morning and going for a walk but I just don't. I have lots of excuses (my knee, my breathing, my allergies) but honestly I really don't have any reason at all not to do it. I'm just lazy and don't want to do it. It's really that simple. I could get out there and walk if I really wanted to do it. I know it would help in my weight loss effort but I don't do it. Why is that? Am I afraid to succeed only to fail again?

I'd like to say that it was mindless eating last night but it wasn't. I was fully engaged in the process. I knew what I was doing and did it anyway. That scares me. I have a lot going on psychologically that I need to address before I can successfully lose the weight. It's not just about points and numbers on the scale. It's about my need for food to comfort myself. It's about using food to deal with feelings (good, bad or indifferent feelings). I know that I have to deal with this stuff with my therapist, that it's not going to be taken care of by going to a meeting or even belonging to the online community. Blogging sure does help but it doesn't tell me how to deal with it. Therapy does that though. I have to be honest about why I am eating. I eat out of habit, not because I'm hungry. I don't even know what hungry feels like. I get up every  morning and eat my bowl of cereal out of habit. I eat my ham and cheese sandwich and chips for lunch out of habit. I'm rarely hungry for dinner but prepare it out of habit. I'd like to take one day and wait to eat when I'm hungry. I probably wouldn't eat because I don't know when I'm hungry. That's something I'm going to have to think about.

I'm still playing mind games with food and weighing in. I want to eat my normal meals on weigh in day but don't because I want my weight to be down for weigh in. That's crazy behavior. I even thought about wearing different (lighter) clothes for weigh in just so the scale number would be down. Crazy! Do I want trickery or real weight loss? I want real weight loss. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the WW method because I don't think there is. It's me where the problem lies. I don't want to drink water. I want to drink soda. I don't want to cook dinner every night. I want to eat fast food. No it's not healthy. I know that but it's what I want. I'm not going to do it just because I want to but I have to be honest about how I'm feeling. I'm not going to make lasting change if I don't address the mental issues that I'm having.

It's interesting to see what I'm capable of when it comes to weight loss trickery. I'm not capable yet of doing the real things that I need to do to lose the weight. That.'s why I get stuck so fast. The first few weeks are water weight loss. After that it has to be changing behavior and I haven't been willing to change my behavior. I'm not willing to walk and I'm not willing to eat different. After WI on Wednesdays I get fast food for dinner. If I was being honest I would get it before weigh in. And I get it on Wednesdays so I have all week to "work it off", which I don't do, so  I stay the same weight. Really, this is crazy and I have to stop doing it. I have to want this and want it for real or just stop pretending.

I want to see meaningful, lasting change that results in weight loss. I'm not seeing that at this point. I see someone who still wants all the fast food and snack foods and who isn't willing to increase activity. I know if I were more active I could eat the things I want to eat and not be fat but I'm too lazy to do that. I want the junk without the activity which just leaves me fat. I want to crow about being on WW but I'm not really living the plan. I'm faking it. And maybe that's part of the process at first to "fake it until you make it" but I don't want that for me. I want this to be real. I'm not saying it's going to be perfect every meal, every day, but I should want to make healthier choices because it will result in weight loss and after all isn't that what I really want? Or is it? Maybe I'm too afraid of losing the weight. It's been my crutch for so long. It gives me the reason I need to bow out of living my life or a life of any kind, doesn't it.

I have to stop fooling around when it comes to weight loss. I have to really want it. I have to stop pretending I want it. I can go to all the meetings I want to go to, I can track religiously and I can count every point but if I'm just fooling myself then it's not worth the time. I want it to be worth the time. I want to see success. I want to see real weight loss. I have a long way to go to get to the weight that I want to be at (174 lbs) but I won't get there doing things the way that I'm doing them. Something has to change. I have to get real with my weight loss. I have to be committed and want it. I have to do what needs to be done and not mind doing it. Right now it's still a bother and hard to do. It would be a lot easier if I truly wanted to change. I don't want to change. Not yet anyway.

Food is still my buddy, my reward, my savior and my comfort. Until I break up with food it will run my life. I have to eat to live not live to eat. It's a trite saying but it's true. Am I going to make the necessary changes or am I just going to continue pretending that I'm on this journey. Real weight loss isn't going to come if I don't make some changes. I'll just be stuck here weighing in at the same weight every week. What do I really want?

Too much butter in dinner perhaps?

I made pork chops, a baked potato (that we split) and summer squash and zucchini for dinner. I think I might have used just a bit too much butter though. I used some in the veggies and some on the potato. It was probably about 2 tablespoons total which I accounted for but I'd like to use even less than I did use. Dinner was pretty good though. I still have 2 points left for the day. I will probably use those on Werther's candies because I'm craving something sweet. It will be a good compromise. I also still have 28 weekly points left and I weigh in on Wednesday. I'm sure I won't use up all my weekly points tomorrow. lol The only negative thing for today is that I got a cherry coke. David asked me to stop and get him a coke and I didn't really want to because I knew I couldn't resist getting a cherry coke for me. Well, I got one for him and I of course got a cherry coke for me. Ugh! I knew I would falter but at least I had the points for it. Hopefully I won't completely ruin my weigh in for Wednesday night. I'll just have to see where I end up after 2 cokes this week.

If I eat more fruits and veggies the next 2 days hopefully I'll still lose a bit by Wednesday night. I still looking forward to weighing in whether I lose or gain. I've had a pretty good week and have learned a lot by reading "The Weight Loss Boss". That book really made me feel like my weight loss journey is normal and that there will always be ups and downs. It also made me feel good to know that even the CEO of WW.com has trigger foods and eats mindlessly sometimes. It's not that I want to do that but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one with these problems. It really was a good book to read.

Off topic: it's really windy out and the tree in the front yard is still standing. So far.

More later.

Having an "up" day!

In the world of ups and down today is definitely an up day. I decided that I NEEDED to go to a meeting this morning and went to Pat's 9:30am meeting. It was a great meeting on setting goals for the summer. I've already set some goals for the summer and I'm working toward them. Pat was particularly funny in today's meeting. I'm glad I went because it really put me in a good mood. I also weighed myself this morning, before my shower (no clothes on), and I weighed 277 lbs. That made me feel really good. I am hopeful that I'll be down in weight when I weigh in on Wednesday night. If not, not big deal. I'll get to the 20 lbs lost mark eventually.

I'm on track with my food today and ticking off GHG's along the way. Probably the hardest ones for me to get in are the multivitamin and the good healthy oils. My multivitamin is huge and I gag just thinking about taking it. I think I'm going to have to change to a chewable vitamin or a gummy vitamin. I just can't take swallowing those big pills. I haven't taken the Osteo BiFlex because it's even bigger than my vitamin! I'm sure it would help my knee but I just don't know if  I can force myself to take it. I'll have to try though. Ugh!

I think my clothes are fitting a little bit looser. I'm not totally sure but they seem to feel different. I'm hoping that soon I won't fit into these loose, baggy clothes and can wear some more fitting clothes. For now I'm comfortable though. I won't wear anything that is tight though. I won't be uncomfortable. I'd rather wear the baggy stuff until I know I will look good in other clothes. I should have enough stuff in my closet to wear for a while as I lose some weight. I have a pair of jeans that are just a bit tight that should fit me soon enough. My other jeans are big on me already but still fit okay. It's nice to have clothes feeling different though. It's a good sign.

I'm going to the allergy doctor tomorrow to see if I can get some medicine that will help with my constant congestion, runny nose, itchy eyes and sneezing. I feel at times like I'm having trouble breathing but I'm not sure if it's just a perceived trouble or if its a real problem. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I really want to start walking but by the time I take my allergy medicine and get over there to walk, I'm tired from the pills. If I don't take the medicine my nose runs even worse than it does with it. I hope to get some relief from my visit to the doctor.

My knee is still hurting A LOT! I know that walking might help that but it bothers me so much that I get psyched out by the pain and don't go walking. I'll probably start wearing the pain patch again. I'm not sure if it would stay on okay during a walk though. I'll have to try that out. It's been hot so I'll have to walk in the early morning after dropping Bayou off at daycare. I dropped her off late though today so walking wasn't even on my mind. Maybe Wednesday. I really should get out there and walk. It would help with my weight loss and would make me feel better mentally. I want to go and walk, I just don't have the motivation to get out there though.

Tonight we'll have pork chops for dinner (we ended up just having salad last night) with a salad. I may make a baked potato with it too. We each have half of the potato. I'm out of lettuce though so will have to stop at the store and get some before I pick up Bayou. I'm not sure if David is going to cut the grass in the backyard today when he gets home. It will be pretty hot out then but the yard will have been picked up (pooper scooper people come today) and it would be a good time to mow it. I'll check with him when he gets home. I'll pick up Bayou later if he's going to mow the grass. Dinner would have to wait until after I picked up Bayou.

I'm getting some good responses from the WW online community about my blog post on the ups and downs of weight loss. Everyone agrees that it's not a straight line effort, that there are indeed ups and downs for everyone who is trying to lose weight. That helped me to feel like my journey is normal and that I'm not the only one having ups and downs. I'm glad that today is an up day and I hope to have more up days than down days this week. I think one thing I can do to help myself out is to print out my summer goal list and post it on the wall under my "motivation" picture. Seeing my goals every day would be helpful. I'm not sure that I'll make all my goals but I'm certainly going to give it a good try.

In this morning's meeting Pat told us that she's lost over 135 pounds! She weighed 385 lbs at one point. That was inspiring to hear since she is so small now. I love hearing the stories of people who have lost over 100 pounds. It really gives me hope.

That's it for now. More later.

Time for bed / Bayou is wearing her e-collar

It's time for bed but I wanted to take a minute and blog about how I'm feeling. If I just keep the feelings and thoughts inside I may tend to eat things I don't need to eat. I was pretty upset about Bayou this morning. I'm going to put the e-collar on her before we go to bed. If she wakes me up by chewing on the blanket I'm going to zap here good. She needs to learn that there are consequences to her actions. There is no rush to get her to daycare in the morning so we can sleep in and hang out for a bit. I'd like to do some training with her. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it. I wish I could take her to classes but I'm too out of shape to do that. I'd love to be able to take her back after I've lost some weight though. I just put the e-collar on her because she was chewing on the blanket on the couch. I had to stop her from doing it by pulling the blanket away because I didn't have the collar on her yet.

I feel better about Bayou. I wouldn't give her up. I know I was just frustrated and saying things. That happens when I don't get enough sleep. She went in and out a lot today but I don't blame her because she doesn't get any exercise on the weekends. I need to change that once I'm in better shape. I want Bayou to be part of my plan to lose weight. I want to give her what she needs - activity - and give myself what I need - activity! Funny that it would work out that way. She and I need each other. I'd love to be able to take her on walks and hikes. I just need to put in the time to train her.

She's not going to be the dog I want her to be if I don't train her to be the dog I want her to be. She's smart so I know she can learn anything I want to teach her. She's also stubborn so I'll have to work that out of her. I want her to pay attention to me and be intent on paying attention to me. I want her to be like Watson. Clay was able to take Harley the Horrible and turn him into Watson the Wonderful. It's just like WW. I can follow the plan and do the right things and be successful or I can just wish for success. I want to be successful. I want Bayou to walk with me, come to me, go to "place" when I tell her to and to ignore other dogs unless I tell her she can acknowledge them. I know she'll be a happier dog once she knows what the rules are and what the hierarchy is. I'm the boss, not her. Right now she runs everything. That stops now.

Bayou is going to learn that she has to do what I tell her to do. It's that simple. It won't be easy and it will take a lot of training but it will be worth it. I want a dog that behaves. I'd like to be able to take her to my appointment with Alicia and let her meet Helki. I just would like to be able to bring her anywhere and have her behave. I want her to be my PTSD service dog. I'd like to be able to bring her with me when I do errands and have her by my side to help me get through errands. I can even get a service animal vest for her. Once I can control her that's just what I will do. I need to keep the collar on her all the time that she is home. The only break she gets is when she goes to daycare, and they've started working with her there too (just without the collar). I'm going to be consistent with her from now on. No means no all the time. Behave means behave all the time. I'm her master and she needs to look to me for what she needs to do at any given moment. I will be the center of her universe.

I want Bayou to not only behave and do basic obedience commands but I also want her to learn to do tricks and services that are helpful. Turn on a light, carry a bag into the house, retrieve something for me or throw something away. Things like that that would be helpful to me. And if she could learn to be there for me when the PTSD is bad, that would be awesome. I know I could teach her to figure out when I need her to be my buddy. I have faith in her. It may take longer than I thought it would to train her but I'm willing to keep going back and doing the training until she gets it and I'm consistent with her training.

It's almost 11:30pm so I should head off to bed. We'll see how the morning wake up goes with Bayou wearing her e-collar.