Food attack

Last night for some reason I had a food attack. I stayed up late watching TV and at some point I grabbed the bag of chips and just kind of went to town on them. I probably ate at least 2 servings or more of them. It wasn't a complete disaster points wise but it was mentally. I just couldn't stop myself from eating or if I could, I didn't want to. It felt so scary. I did, in the middle of the night, track what I did though. So maybe that's a good thing that I automatically track now but I just didn't like attacking food like that. I did weigh myself this morning and I'm at 279.6 (what I weighed at WI last week). The only problem is that I want to lose weight not maintain weight right now. I don't think there's any hope of me losing the 1.2 lbs I need to make the 20 lbs lost mark this week. So I struggle on to do it again next week. Am I afraid of losing the weight and reaching another milestone? I don't know if I am. I also want to stay out of the 280's. Why am I not working harder to make that happen? I don't know why.

I could be getting up early every morning and going for a walk but I just don't. I have lots of excuses (my knee, my breathing, my allergies) but honestly I really don't have any reason at all not to do it. I'm just lazy and don't want to do it. It's really that simple. I could get out there and walk if I really wanted to do it. I know it would help in my weight loss effort but I don't do it. Why is that? Am I afraid to succeed only to fail again?

I'd like to say that it was mindless eating last night but it wasn't. I was fully engaged in the process. I knew what I was doing and did it anyway. That scares me. I have a lot going on psychologically that I need to address before I can successfully lose the weight. It's not just about points and numbers on the scale. It's about my need for food to comfort myself. It's about using food to deal with feelings (good, bad or indifferent feelings). I know that I have to deal with this stuff with my therapist, that it's not going to be taken care of by going to a meeting or even belonging to the online community. Blogging sure does help but it doesn't tell me how to deal with it. Therapy does that though. I have to be honest about why I am eating. I eat out of habit, not because I'm hungry. I don't even know what hungry feels like. I get up every  morning and eat my bowl of cereal out of habit. I eat my ham and cheese sandwich and chips for lunch out of habit. I'm rarely hungry for dinner but prepare it out of habit. I'd like to take one day and wait to eat when I'm hungry. I probably wouldn't eat because I don't know when I'm hungry. That's something I'm going to have to think about.

I'm still playing mind games with food and weighing in. I want to eat my normal meals on weigh in day but don't because I want my weight to be down for weigh in. That's crazy behavior. I even thought about wearing different (lighter) clothes for weigh in just so the scale number would be down. Crazy! Do I want trickery or real weight loss? I want real weight loss. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the WW method because I don't think there is. It's me where the problem lies. I don't want to drink water. I want to drink soda. I don't want to cook dinner every night. I want to eat fast food. No it's not healthy. I know that but it's what I want. I'm not going to do it just because I want to but I have to be honest about how I'm feeling. I'm not going to make lasting change if I don't address the mental issues that I'm having.

It's interesting to see what I'm capable of when it comes to weight loss trickery. I'm not capable yet of doing the real things that I need to do to lose the weight. That.'s why I get stuck so fast. The first few weeks are water weight loss. After that it has to be changing behavior and I haven't been willing to change my behavior. I'm not willing to walk and I'm not willing to eat different. After WI on Wednesdays I get fast food for dinner. If I was being honest I would get it before weigh in. And I get it on Wednesdays so I have all week to "work it off", which I don't do, so  I stay the same weight. Really, this is crazy and I have to stop doing it. I have to want this and want it for real or just stop pretending.

I want to see meaningful, lasting change that results in weight loss. I'm not seeing that at this point. I see someone who still wants all the fast food and snack foods and who isn't willing to increase activity. I know if I were more active I could eat the things I want to eat and not be fat but I'm too lazy to do that. I want the junk without the activity which just leaves me fat. I want to crow about being on WW but I'm not really living the plan. I'm faking it. And maybe that's part of the process at first to "fake it until you make it" but I don't want that for me. I want this to be real. I'm not saying it's going to be perfect every meal, every day, but I should want to make healthier choices because it will result in weight loss and after all isn't that what I really want? Or is it? Maybe I'm too afraid of losing the weight. It's been my crutch for so long. It gives me the reason I need to bow out of living my life or a life of any kind, doesn't it.

I have to stop fooling around when it comes to weight loss. I have to really want it. I have to stop pretending I want it. I can go to all the meetings I want to go to, I can track religiously and I can count every point but if I'm just fooling myself then it's not worth the time. I want it to be worth the time. I want to see success. I want to see real weight loss. I have a long way to go to get to the weight that I want to be at (174 lbs) but I won't get there doing things the way that I'm doing them. Something has to change. I have to get real with my weight loss. I have to be committed and want it. I have to do what needs to be done and not mind doing it. Right now it's still a bother and hard to do. It would be a lot easier if I truly wanted to change. I don't want to change. Not yet anyway.

Food is still my buddy, my reward, my savior and my comfort. Until I break up with food it will run my life. I have to eat to live not live to eat. It's a trite saying but it's true. Am I going to make the necessary changes or am I just going to continue pretending that I'm on this journey. Real weight loss isn't going to come if I don't make some changes. I'll just be stuck here weighing in at the same weight every week. What do I really want?