I woke up because I had to go to the bathroom. The first thing on my mind though were those Golden Oreo cookies. I knew I was going to have 3 of them and I did. I could not resist them since they were in the house. Note to self: no more freakin' cookies in the house!!! Didn't I learn anything with the lemon cookies? I know I can't control myself with coolies, donuts and pastries. So what do I do? I bring them into the house to tempt me. That wasn't very smart. I sit here in my chair, knowing they are there, and think about them to the point of craving them. If they weren't here, I wouldn't be thinking about them. I'd be okay with fruit. But, no, I had to buy the cookies. I told myself yet again that they would just be a treat. Well, they turned out to be a temptation which is not a treat at all. I feel guilty every time I eat them. Not because of the WW program, but because of how I feel about eating them. WW allows me to have cookies if I want them. But the way I feel about the cookies is that I NEED them. That's what makes me feel guilty about eating them. It's not a NEED! I'm trying to fill some hole in me or I'm trying to stuff some kind of feelings by eating the cookies. Instead of sitting with the distress of not allowing myself to eat cookies at 2am, I gave in and ate them. I couldn't sit with that distress feeling. I never have been able to sit with distress without eating to numb myself.
I'm not angry at myself. I'm just disappointed that I'm here yet again with the cookies. This is a very ingrained pattern for me. It's not like I'm just going to be able to stop it just by knowing it's there. I have to have something to put in it's place and I don't have that yet. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm trying to fill or replace.
I feel like I blew it with food yesterday. I didn't eat breakfast until noon, which was okay. But then I had lunch just hours later because David wanted to have lunch. I should have told him to make his own lunch because I wasn't hungry but I didn't do that. I hate saying "no, I'm not going to make your lunch, you need to fix it yourself". I know he thinks it's my job to take care of the meals. So I just do it even if I'm not hungry. Then just hours later again he wanted dinner. I really didn't want dinner at all since I had already eaten twice since noon but again, I couldn't tell him to make something for himself. So I ate with him. I only ate about half of my burger and threw the rest away. I just couldn't gag it down. Today has to be different. I don't want to be responsible for all the meals. This is why the weekends are hard for me. All David thinks about is when and where his next meal is coming from. It makes me focus on food all day long. I hate that.
I think this is why I eat the cookies. I AM angry at myself for not standing up for what I think is best for me. I am disappointed in myself for not saying no to David and telling him that I can't eat that often and don't want to make that many meals. I feel like it's forced on me and that makes me cry. I don't like that feeling. Tears are coming to my eyes now because I feel like I've painted myself into a corner and I can't get out. I need to tell David that he's going to have to be responsible for his breakfast and lunch and I'll take care of dinner. He may have to cook dinner on the grill but I'll figure out what we'll grill and what sides we'll have with it. But I'm not going to make 3 meals in one day. He can take care of his own breakfast and lunch.
Would it really work out that way? Won't I just take care of it because I'll already be making my lunch so I'll make his too? I'm feeling very frustrated and anxious about this. I'm tired of taking care of it all. We can each take care of our own breakfast, then he could do lunch and I'll do dinner. That would be more fair instead of me having to be the frickin waitress all day long.
I've got to get my mind off of this or I'm going to be mad all night. I can see where my frustration comes from on the weekends and why I tend to want to eat snack food and junk food then. I'm sick to death of having to think about food so much. I swear that the first question David asks when he gets home from work during the week is "What's for dinner?". I hate him asking that. It puts pressure on me. It makes me think about food all the time. ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I'm not going to eat more cookies to take this frustration and anxiety away. I'm just going to deal with it head on. I know why I'm frustrated and anxious and it's okay to feel my feelings instead of trying to make them go away. Maybe if I kept the feelings I would be able to stand up to David and stand up for myself and tell him that I'm sick of all the talk about what meal is next. If he's so worried about it, he can take care of it.
It's not that I don't want to plan meals ahead of time. This is a whole different thing than that. Yesterday David had me get him a coke when I went into get his chew at the Loaf 'n Jug. I think that was kind of mean since he knows I struggle with wanting a cherry coke myself. Then he asked if I wanted to go to Subway for lunch. I told him no, that I didn't want to use all my points on one meal. I told him if we did that that we'd have to have salad for dinner. He didn't like that idea so we didn't go to Subway. I was mad that he even tempts me with this stuff. Then at about 8pm he asked if I wanted to go to Culver's to get us a Concrete Mixer. What the hell?!? I said no. I don't think he has any idea how many points are in those things but I wasn't going to use up all my weekly points on an ice cream. It just makes me mad that he keeps throwing these things out there when he knows we struggle with junk food and fast food.
I know it didn't help that I got us fast food on Wednesday but I plan on changing that next Wednesday. I'll get a roasted chicken from the deli and make a salad to go with it. That will be easy and we can eat whenever we want since we get home at different times. I've got to stop serving him his food. It makes me feel like a waitress, a servant. I'm not a servant. I'm his wife, not his slave. Just because he works doesn't mean that I get to be treated like a second class citizen because I don't work. And just because he works doesn't mean that he can't get his own plate for dinner. This is the year 2012 and I'm serving him like it's the 1950's. That sucks. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm going to start putting everything out on the table and make it buffet style. He can get his own stuff from this point on. I'll clear the table later today so we can use it for that purpose.
I'm tired. I think I'm going to go back to bed. He has a breakfast in the morning with the guys from work. I'm sure he's not worried about what I'm going to do for breakfast since he's already taken care of for that meal. I'd take myself out for breakfast but I don't want to use up points on it. That will give me time to clear off the table and have it ready for dinner. I can make myself some eggs and an english muffin in the morning. That will be just fine by me.
Off to bed I go. I'm sure I'll have more to blog about later.
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