Unofficial weigh in

I weighed in at the allergy doctor's office today. The nurse had me take off my shoes and I was wearing what I normally do on WI day. My weight - 279.5. Down .1 from last week. However on the way home from the doctor's office I decided to get fast food instead of stopping at the store to pick up something healthier for dinner. I don't know how my WI will go tomorrow now that I've done that. Another bad choice.

So, how do I get myself to want this bad enough that I don't sabotage myself? I wish I knew. I guess I haven't hit bottom yet weight wise. Being near 300 pounds woke me up back in September and I joined WW. What will keep me going? I'm down about 20 lbs since then but I don't seem to want to do the work it will take to lose more. Why is that?

Why is food, especially junk food, so much more important to me than losing weight? The fast food isn't good for me. Even if it's within my points, it's not the best choice. Yet I still make the choice to get it. Sheesh!

I thought the stickers and charms would motivate me but obviously they don't. I was almost going to buy them all instead of earning them but I decided not to do that. They won't mean as much if I buy them all before I even earn them. I'm only 6 lbs away from my 25 lbs lost charm but I can't even lose the 1.2 lbs I need to lose to get to the 20 lbs lost mark. I could have done that this week but I didn't try. It's that simple. I didn't try. It was more important to me to eat junk food than to lose the weight.

I'm not being mean or beating myself up. I'm just being honest. Something I don't do most of the time. I play silly mind games. I tell myself as long as I track it, it's okay to eat it. I think I get kudos for tracking even though it's not always healthy or the best choice. Tracking should make me think twice about what I'm eating but it doesn't.

I always want to say something at meetings to get "Bravo" stickers but I have realized that I don't really deserve them at this point so I haven't been saying anything. It's not that I'm not doing anything right it's that I know what the reason is I do stuff. It's to get the attention or the stickers. It's not because I want to do the right thing by me. It's not because losing weight is the best thing for me or is even important to me. I just like telling people I'm on WW, like that's enough. The natural question from people after I say that is "how much weight have you lost?" I'm embarrassed to say that I've only lost 20 lbs in 8 month's time so I don't tell people I'm on WW. I don't want people to get the wrong idea about WW. I'm a poor spokesperson for the WW plan at this point.

I know there are ups and downs in the weight loss journey. I know it's not about perfection. But it has to be about trying and I'm not doing that. I'm playing games and I won't be successful by playing games.