This time it's boredom. That's an emotion, right? LOL Do I really need a reason to eat? Not really. I just keep coming up with excuses to eat. Good day, bad day, indifferent day - all reasons to eat crap. Today I did okay until dinner. I didn't really want to make dinner so I went out and got fast food for us. I always feel bad after I do it. I have to get to a point where I think twice about it BEFORE I do it. I'm just not there yet though. I weigh in on Wednesday and I'm sure I'll have gained some weight back. I seem to have a mental block about losing 20 lbs. Only .4 lbs away and I can't get there. I wonder what it is about making this milestone that scares me.
I just weighed myself and I'm at 281. That's up from 278.8. It's not terrible but I'd rather be going in the other direction. I guess there's still hope for Wednesday but I'm not going to get my hopes up too much.
I've used all but 15 of my 49 weekly points. I just looked back at the past couple of weeks and on Saturday's I end up using more than my daily allowance (41). It's good to have the information to look back on. I'm going to have to come up with a strategy for the weekends, especially Saturdays. I know part of it is that I'm bored on the weekends so I need to do more than just lay around.
I just turned on "Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition". That show inspired me because these people are bigger than me and end up losing half (or more) of their body weight. The do it over a years time so it's not an overnight type of thing. These people eat better and are more active and lose the weight by doing the right things. It's not easy for them and they have to work through a lot but they keep with it and lose the weight. I know if I just follow the WW plan I can be that person who loses half their body weight safely. I started out at almost 300 pounds. I'd like to get to 150 lbs. I'm not sure if that's realistic or not so I've set my goal at 174 pounds (the high end of the range for someone my height). I've weighed as low as 130 pounds as an adult (in my 20's) and not only is that not realistic, I don't think it would be healthy. Right now I just need to hit that 20 lbs lost mark. I know I can do it if I try.
I know that this journey is, at it's core, about me, about how I feel about myself. I have to care enough about myself to feel that I deserve to lose weight, that I deserve to look good. I was a skinny kid but once all the drama and chaos was so evident in our family I started gaining weight. Food became my comfort, my buddy, my drug. It made me feel better. It really, really made me feel better. When everything else failed me and made me feel bad, food made me feel good. I could definitely count on food to comfort me in the bad times. And there were a lot of bad times.
Now it's not so much that I'm living in a bad situation outside myself, it's the bad situation I live in inside myself. Every day I have to deal with being bi-polar and having PTSD. I have to deal with some sort of disorder when it comes to my eating and my weight too. There are a lot of head games going on with this weight loss journey. I have to love myself enough to figure out what the games are and changing them to winning games for me. No one is going to do this for me. Yes, there is support and encouragement online, in the meetings and with David, but if I don't do this, it won't happen.
What will that healthier me look like? This weight had been my shield from so many things. What will I do when that shield no longer exists? Is that what I'm afraid of, losing that shield?
The rest of the conversation will have to wait until I'm more awake. It's bedtime.
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