"sneaking food"

I used to get up in the middle of the night to "sneak" food that I didn't want my husband to know about. Most of the time it was a 3rd candy bar of the night. I used to "sneak" food a lot just months ago. Driving in my car was a great way to eat without being seen. I don't know what I think I was hiding though. It was obvious by all the weight I was putting on that I was "enjoying" food somewhere at sometime. I guess I felt like if no one could see me eating it didn't count as calories but it sure did. I ballooned from about 240 up to almost 300 pounds just over the summer. I had edema (swelling) in my feet and legs most of the summer so I wasn't doing much in the way of activity except eating. I ate myself right into a 50 pound gain.


Now here I am up in the middle of the night and there's an urge to sneak food. There's no junk here to sneak anyway. If I had anything it would be a bowl of Kashi GoLean Crunch with skim milk and a banana and I would track it and count it as breakfast. The neat thing is that I'm willing to wait until breakfast time gets here. Emotionally I still need to sneak food but I just don't allow myself to do it. Instead I try to get at the heart of the feeling and discover what it is I really need. Usually it's not food.


Tonight I think I'm feeling anxious about doing this TV taping for Channel 9 News up in Denver on self-injury. I haven't self injured in over 7 years now but knowing that I'll be talking about it to such a large audience is making me nervous. I'm trying to remind myself that there will be other people there, that the spotlight will not be on me the whole time and that I know the topic matter better than most people do. I have a perspective on it that is unique. I can disagree with the author/professor/sociologist about it being a fad. I don't think it was a fad for me but it may be for kids now.


I'm also anxious about how I'm going to look that day. I have nice clothes to wear, I got my hair colored. I'll get it cut today (trimmed really). I just need to try on my clothes today to make sure everything will fit right. I have my klunky shoes to wear but may wear something else. I got my stuff from JMS so hopefully the tights/nylons fit okay. I'll get that all worked out today. It will be one less thing for me to stress about.


I'm a little nervous too about the long ride up to Denver and what I'll have to say to Alicia. I hope we can have a conversation on the way up there. I never quite know what to say in a more social situation. I'm sure it will be fine. I know we can talk about self injury on the way up and debrief about the experience on the way back. It will be nice to have Alicia there to talk to.


So now it's almost 4am and I'm finally getting sleepy. I think I'll go back to bed for a few hours. Then it will be time to take Bayou to doggy daycare and come home and take a shower before my doctor's appointment. I'll leave around 8:40 so I can be there for 9am to hand in my paperwork. My appointment is at 9:15am. I wrote up a chronology of events to help me to remember when what happened. I hope this doctor takes more time and asks more questions and actually listens to my answers.


I'm going to try to sleep for a bit. It's either that or I have breakfast at 4am and that's too early. Off to bed I go.


I hope everyone has an OP kind of day and is tracking everything they are eating and drinking. If it's your WI day, good luck!


Forgot to submit. It's 6am now. I got another 2 hours of sleep. Yippee! Getting ready to take Bayou to daycare and then waiting for my appointment time to role around. Have a great day!