I'm staying within my daily/weekly points on WW but not making the best choices (donuts, soda, chips, etc.). I know it will take time to get back on track with the eating. For now just keeping within my points is a good thing. Making better choices will come with time. I'm trying to go to 3 meetings a week. Now that everyone uses the same flip charts is a little repetitive but the repetition is actually good for me. Every leader does bring their own spin on the topic of the week. This week's topic is "motivation" ironically. I went to Pat's meeting yesterday. She greeted me in the lobby and said she had been thinking about me. She hugged me and said she was glad that I was back. I felt good that she missed me and remembered me. I enjoy her meetings. I'm going to try to go to Dori's Wednesday night meeting and then Christine's Friday morning meeting where I'll weigh in. I weighed in the first Sunday that I went to WW and was at 289.6. The following Friday I did an unofficial weigh in with Christine at was at 286. It was unofficial because I couldn't weigh in again within the same week. So I'll weigh in on Friday's from now on.
I'm trying to tell myself that it's only 5 pounds at a time that I have to look at but right now I'm seeing that I have well over 100 pounds to lose and it's hard to think that I'll ever lose that much. I am inspired by a lady in the WW online community though. She's lost 133 pounds! So I know it's possible, it just takes time and effort. If I lost 2 lbs a week it would take me about a year to lose 100 pounds. That's a long road but honestly what alternative do I have? I don't want to be this fat and I don't want to hurt this much so I have to do something. I know if I can lose just 10 pounds that it will make a difference with my knee. The more weight I can lose the better I will feel. I want to get back to walking/hiking but right now I don't think I can do it. Not only is the knee pain keeping me from doing it but I get out of breath so easily right now that it would be embarrassing to be out their in front of people. Sad but true.
I posted a picture of me today on the WW site for my "before" picture. I needed to do that so I would know that at some point there will be an "after" picture. This is the picture I used:
I honestly don't think it's my heaviest but it shows more of me than any other photo. I hate that my legs look like stumps. The only reason I'm smiling is because I didn't realize just how heavy I was at that point. I'm hoping that when I get to goal I'll be, literally, half the person that I am now. I should be able to fit both my legs into the pants I wear now. David made a comment the other day that my legs are the biggest they've ever been. It was very insensitive of him but unfortunately true. I was 10 pounds heavier when I joined WW last September but I am very big right now. Ten pounds doesn't make that big a difference with all the weight I have. I mean, it will mean a lot to me, but I don't know that it will be evident when I lose 10 pounds right now. I did weigh in with Dr. Fouss on Monday and I was down from when I was in there a month ago so that was good. I don't see him again for 3 months and I'm hoping I will have lost about 20 - 25 pounds by then. That should be noticeable.
I keep thinking about pictures of me from the 80's and how I was always in motion or was somewhere doing something. Now pictures of me are always sitting in chairs. That's sad to me. I don't really want any pictures of me right now anyway but I'll need to take photos once a month to show my progress. (In my head I'm thinking "will there really be any progress?") I keep looking at thin women and thinking that some day I'll look like that. I want to have legs that have definition. I want to have ankles not cankles (calf that go all the way to my feet, with no ankles showing). Someday I know I can have that. Someday I won't be ashamed to go out in public. I won't worry that I'll be the fattest person in the room. Someday.
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