I just had an unexpected argument with David. He has to stay at work after his quitting time and he's mad that he has to do that. He told me that he really hates his job. I told him that I know that. He yelled at me and said that I didn't know how much he hates where he works. I said, okay then, I don't understand. The other day he came home and said that he wished that I could work so he could quit his job. Talk about putting pressure on me. I can't work. That's just the way it is. I'd like to say that he's just taking his frustration out on me but I know that he's mad at me because I don't work and he has to. If I could work, I would but I can't. I'm just so upset that he yelled at me and was angry at me for "not understanding". I've listened to him talk about how much he hates his job so I do know how he feels but he seems to think that because I don't work now that I can't understand. I've been in a job I didn't like and so I do understand but that's not enough for him. Sometimes he's just downright mean.
I was so upset that I ate some chips and a WW mini bar. I didn't need any of that but was so emotionally upset that I turned to food to console myself. Now I don't know what to expect when he gets home. Is he still going to be angry? Is he going to continue to take it out on me? Thankfully I see Alicia, my therapist, tomorrow and I can talk to her about this. It makes me want to leave him. I never know what to expect from him. All I did was answer the phone and try to be understanding and I got yelled at for it. He's not very fair in how he treats me. He's always taking his frustrations out on me. If I say "no" to him or don't do what he thinks I should do he gets mad. He also asked if I went for a walk today. I told him I didn't because I was having trouble breathing and he yelled at me to call my doctor. I don't like to be told what to do. I'll call the doctor when I'm ready to call the doctor. He's just being a horse's ass today.
I wish I hadn't turned to food but honestly I was afraid and fear makes me eat. I eat to get rid of the feelings. I know I need to deal with the feelings head on and not turn to food but I do. It's a pattern I've had all my life and it's hard to break it. I still have 17 points left for the day and 40+ weekly points left so I'm okay with my points. That's not the issue though. The issue is eating when I'm upset. I just had to eat to alleviate the feelings. Honestly I'm tired of being in a relationship like this. He had no right to be mean to me just because he's frustrated with work. If he could quit I'd be happy but he doesn't do anything to change things. He doesn't look for a new job, he doesn't try to change things at work, he doesn't get counseling. All he does is yell at me and be mean to me. What he really wants is for me to go to work so he can quit working. I don't know how he expects that to happen when I'm on disability. Even if I could work, I'm not going to make enough money to support both of us. And I shouldn't have to do that anyway. He needs to just grow up.
Now I'm angry and frustrated. I'm not going to turn to food though. I'm going to wait for dinner to eat. If I really feel like I need to eat, then I'll have some fruit or the leftover salad. That's all 0 points food. I'm not going to let David ruin my weigh in tomorrow night. He doesn't even know how long he'll have to be at work. He could be making a big deal over nothing. Even if he does have to stay at work, he'll get OT for it. We can use the money so instead of being grateful that he gets OT he's pissing and moaning about it. He's not even grateful to have a good job that has good benefits. He's going to lose his job because of his attitude one day and then we'll be in a world of hurt.
When he acts like this I get nervous because we can't afford for him to lose his job. He just doesn't think. It's like he thinks that we could survive just on my disability pay. I can barely cover the land lease and mortgage. What would we do about everything else? Sometimes he just doesn't think.
I'm not going to ask him to grill anything tonight so I'll have to cook something in the oven. I'll probably make pork chops instead of the steak I was thinking about. I'll make a baked potato and maybe make some peas with it. I won't cook until he gets home since I don't know what time he'll be here. it would be nice if he would call me and apologize but I won't expect that. Usually he just starts acting nice and never mentions being mean to me. He just expects me to be grateful that he's being nice again. I wish I wasn't stuck in this relationship. Right now I really want out but can't afford to be on my own. I can't afford to be in an abusive relationship either and that's what that is. This weekend he came in and "asked" me to go to the store for him to buy an edger (which we just bought, it is part of the weed eater). I said no and he yelled at me and said I could take care of the yard. I told him that I would. I can always call someone to take care of the yard. That person won't make me feel bad about them having to do the yard work. David always makes me feel bad that he has to do yard work. He always tries to get me to do something for him so that I'm doing "my part". I don't ask him to help with the laundry or dishes but he ALWAYS wants me to do something (usually run to the store to get something) so that I'm doing something. He always gets pissed off if he has to do something and he thinks that I'm not doing something. He really needs to grow up and stop taking things out on me.
People over at the pool are playing music really loud. If they're doing that when he gets home he'll probably say something to them. He'll get mad, I know that. It's aggravating that people play music so loud but we chose to live next to the clubhouse and this is part of living here. He'll just take it out on me because he'll blame me for not taking care of it. I am getting more frustrated every minute. I'm tired of him being mean to me. I don't deserve this kind of treatment. I didn't do anything to cause this. Of course he thinks that I did something because I don't work and he thinks I should. He's always looking for jobs for me. He just doesn't understand and he doesn't listen to me.
He would have been home in 10 minutes but we'll see how long it is until he gets home. I think it would be deserving if he got home not long after his usual time since he made such a big fuss out of it. Probably though he'll get home late and he'll be pissed off. That will be bad for me. Even if he apologizes it will still stink that he was mean to me. He always does that. He'll be mean to me and then either just act like it didn't happen or apologize and act like I'm supposed to just forget that he was mean.
Okay, I've got it all out now. I hope I can just get on with my day and not let it keep controlling my food intake. I can't let David's behavior control what I do. It does though and I know that. We'll see what happens when David gets home. I'm not looking forward to it.
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