Difficulty

Tonight was a very difficult night. Friday nights were my junk food nights - cherry coke, bag of licorice (twizzlers) and a candy, maybe even a donut. Gosh, how did I eat all the crap in one night. It grosses me out now to think about it. I would get so full that my belly was distended. And I still kept eating. Man, oh man! But that's what food addiction is and what it does. It takes away your common sense. It makes you feel sick and guilty and ashamed.

I managed to get through the night by eating some cheese and crackers and drinking water. I still want junk food though. It was probably the most difficult while I was watching "Ghost Whisperer". That's the show I watch on Friday nights and usually pig out with junk food for that hour. It's not even the food really as much as the activity of eating.

I know that most of my eating is to help me to stuff my feelings. I literally stuff food down my throat in an attempt to stuff my feelings. It's something I've always done. Whenever there was a crisis situation my mom would turn to food and so I did too. There was one of those cultural things about not rejecting the food because doing that was an insult to the person offering. Even if you really, really didn't want to eat you had to try so as not to offend anyone. Very sick.

I'm tired so I think I'll go to bed. I really want to go for a walk tomorrow morning but I'm afraid of letting it slide because it's the weekend and then not continuin the walking. Because of the object constancy problem I have, if I don't walk every day, then I forget about walking. I have to stay connected to it every day. But I also don't want to over do so I need to take a day off now and then. This is the first of the struggles. I can get through this though. I'll get up in the morning and see how I feel about walking. I want to stick to the routine but it's hard to do that on weekends. But I'll do my best.