David and I went to bed around 8pm last night. I was up at 12:30am. I'll go back to bed in a little bit but I wanted to blog about something Marianne said. I was saying how I feel that my being overweight is my little secret and that the reason I'm doing the blog is to admit that I have a problem. Just as I was going to say this, Marianne did - the world can see that I have a problem with food whether I tell them or not. They can see that I'm fat even if I don't admit it. That was an eye opener for me because I don't see myself as fat. I mean, I know that I am, but in my minds eye I'm a skinny girl. I thought people would see me the way that I see myself - not overweight. But at the same time, I still was worried about people judging me and laughing at me. I wonder if that's one of those double binds where I can't win with either way of thinking?
Anyway, I know that I have a problem. For me it's as bad as being addicted to alcohol or drugs. It messes with my emotions and with my body in a negative way. I am addicted to food, especially junk food. There, I've said it. So now that I've said it can I be more cautious about what I eat? I know that I need the 'high' that I get from eating junk food so how do I get that feeling with positive behavior and actions and not with food?
Junk food is my 'drug' of choice. I know it's bad for me but that hadn't stopped me from indulging. What had made me look at things differently? I think it's the work I'm doing with Marianne. I'm realizing that I am important and I do matter and it's okay to be nice to myself. I've never thought those things about myself growing up. I wasn't important to my mom. I didn't matter to her. It wasn't okay for me to take care of myself when she needed so much help. And just who did I think I was thinking that I was important enough to be taken care of?
I think I'll be blogging a lot because I have food on the brain a lot. I'm always thinking about food. I need to change that behavior. Food has become my crutch in life. Not feeling good emotionally - then eat. Not feeling good physically - then eat. Feeling lonely - then eat. Feeling happy - then eat. Feeling sad - then eat. You get the point. And now so do I.
I realize that food was the only positive connection I had with my mother. At one point she actually said that 'food is love'. And to her it was. So it became that for me too. It was the only time I could do something she approved of fully - eating. So now I eat to feel worthwhile and loved. I'm trying to recreate those positive feelings with my mom by relating with food. How sick is that? She sure did get into my head.
So, I'm thinking about being over at Lisa's later today and thinking that I need to watch what I eat. I can't just choose junk food because that's how I relate with my friend. I need to have a sandwich or something first and then a snack. While I was writing that I realized that I do relate to Lisa with food. She loves to treat me to scrumptious snacks and I never say no being the obedient person and all. Hmm. That's interesting to think about that. I don't want to completely take the fun out of our relationship by never eating a snack, but I need to stop relating on a food level. Does this make any sense or am I just preaching to the choir here?
Food has always been the reward. When I was hungry, my mom fed me. Even when I wasn't hungry my mom fed me. She paid attention to me when I was needing food. I know she wasn't being malicious at all about it but she did turn food into a reward for good behavior and a comfort for bad times. I've carried on the tradition without even questioning it. That is until now.
There were two times yesterday that i automatically went for food to calm myself down. I didn't even think about what I was doing. Both times, before I even finished the food, I realized that I was eating without thinking about eating. It was drone behavior. I'll need to pay more attention to doing that and try stopping myself before I eat.
My comfort foods are potatoes, bread and junk food. In moderation they would be okay. If I was using more calories than I was taking in it would be okay. But I'm not. I'm only able to get a small amount of exercise at this time and it doesn't use up all the calories that I'm eating so I need to eat less for now (which I'm working on) and exercise more. Once I get down to a healthy weight I know that as long as I'm active and on the go, food won't be such an evil thing. I need to make it neutral. It's just there. It's my thoughts that determine how I perceive things. Food is not evil in and of itself.
Okay, enough blogging for tonight. I think I've gotten everything out of my head that I needed to get out. I'm going to go for a walk later this morning, when I get up for the day. I need to do that. I need to take care of myself.
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