The Nap Won Out

I was right. The nap won out. LOL I slept for about an hour and now I'm up. I know what I need to do today but I'm procrastinating. I have to take a shower and go to the grocery store and credit union. Instead of just getting things out of the way, I sit with the anxiety all day of having to do said things. I know if I just get it done I'll feel better and then really be able to relax but instead I procrastinate. I guess this is something I'm going to have to deal with and figure out.

I realized earlier that this blog is a place for me to be accountable for my weight loss (and untold other things). I don't know why writing something down makes it more real for me but it does. I can think about doing things all day but once I get to writing about it I'm more apt to do it. I'm not sure why that is either. I think I'm going to discover a lot about myself and the way I think and behave while losing this incredible amount of weight. It literally will be a weight off of me.

So, can I talk myself into getting up and jumping in the shower and then running my errands? Honestly, not at this minute. I feel like I need to sit for a few more minutes. I don't know what sitting does for me except prolongs the agony. I really need to try to wrap my little pea brain around why I have such a difficult time getting motivated and taking action. I didn't used to be like this. I would get up in the morning and go walk and then shower and then do my errands. Now, it's that 'stuck in the mud' feeling that overtakes me. I actually feel like I have to push myself physically out of the chair and get going and moving around all of this weight is no easy feat.

I know I'll get out of breath just taking a shower. So what? Who cares as long as I get it done. I can always sit for a few minutes after my shower and relax. It's almost 11am and I'm still just sitting here, typing away, not even dressed for the day yet. Argh! I frustrate myself by doing this. I want to get some motivation. Or maybe it's the same thing with the motivation as it is with the anxiety. I might not feel motivated but that doesn't mean I still can't get things done. The feeling is not a fact. Just because I feel unmotivated doesn't mean that I have to continue to sit here and vegetate.

All I'm doing here is trying to talk myself into getting up and moving along with my day. Why do I find that so difficult? I have four hours until my call with Marianne and I need to get things checked off on the To Do list. Just telling myself that I will feel better after I'm done, doesn't seem to get me off my (rather large) ass. I'm always giving myself deadlines like "I'll go take a shower at 11am". That's gives me another 3 or 4 minutes to just sit. Maybe there is something to be said for having more structure in my day. Maybe that's why I give myself deadlines. Now I'm already dreading 11am rolling around because I know I'll have to get up then. I've made a deal with myself that I can sit for a few more minutes as long as I get up and get going at 11am.

I seem to play a lot of mind games and do a lot of mental gymnastics. No wonder I'm so tired every day. I wear myself out mentally by going through all of this convoluted thinking.

Well, the clock is just striking 11am so I need to get my butt in gear and get up. I'll be doing my first 'official' weight this morning. I know they are just numbers and it's how I feel that counts and how my clothes fit but I need to have some way to measure my progress. So weighing in on Mondays will be the new habit. Okay, off to take a shower now. Wah!