Sleeping the day away

I'm up again after a 2 1/2 hour nap. I hate days like this. I cut up an apple and had that for my (late) afternoon snack. David is taking a nap too so once he gets up I'll make us a light dinner. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to fix yet. It will probably involve eggs though. I hope tomorrow is a different kind of day than today is. I may try to get some things done this evening (dishes, laundry, etc.) because all this sleeping has given me some energy to expend. The more I can move around the better off I'll be.

I was thinking earlier about how I'm eating now (3 small meals, 2-3 small snacks) and how different that is from how I was eating before. I was mostly not eating during the day (starving myself) and then eating a boat load of junk in the evening along with dinner. When I spread the meals out throughout the day, I don't get hungry as often. I still feel very anxious, which makes me want to eat junk food, but I can tell the difference now between hunger and anxiety. That's a good thing.

I also was thinking earlier about how I've tried to hide all of this from everyone. I don't think I was successful at that but I still tried. It wasn't because I thought my family and friends wouldn't be there for me. I tried to hide it because I was ashamed and embarrassed. As Marianne said, everyone can tell from looking at me that I have a problem with food. I guess I felt like if I didn't talk about it, it wasn't real. But it definitely is a real problem.

Throughout the years and recently with Marianne, I have come up with lists of things to do when I'm having a hard time. Problem is that when I'm having a hard time I don't turn to those lists or any of the skills I have learned. It all just flies out of my head. I need to figure out how to incorporate those things into my days when I'm having good days so that on bad days it's not so unfamiliar to me. It's hard though because I've lost interest in just about everything. My drawing doesn't bring me joy anymore and neither does reading or listening to music. I still enjoy writing (blogging) and taking pictures though. I think that's why I'm so dependent on this blog right now. I actually enjoy getting to the bottom of all of this and figuring out what I can do to make things better.

I did go for my walk today and I have been eating well today. In the midst of all this chaos I could do things that were good for me. Taking care of myself is not easy. I don't feel like I'm worth the time it takes. I'm learning though that I am worth the time. I do deserve to take care of myself.