Progress

Food overwhelms me. I look in the fridge and see "all that food" and I get anxious. The same goes for the cabinets. I know there's really not too much food (if anything there is too little) but it's hard to make myself believe that. Sometimes I give myself too many choices and I start to panic. I'd like to just be able to eat normal, healthy food and have somewhat of a variety but it doesn't work out that way for me at times. If I have more than one choice for a meal I get confused and end up eating cereal or some other quick food. I need to look back over the paperwork that the nutritionist gave me and see how I can keep things simple but also balanced. I tend to lean on Boost and the protein smoothie because they are simple and quick. But in reality I'm still just doing what I did before - eating whatever because it's simple and quick. I substitute the Boost and protein smoothie for the junk food. I'm changing what I eat but not how I eat. I just don't want to put in the time it takes to eat a balanced diet. But that's what the eventual goal is for me. I see the Boost and protein smoothie as transitional foods. They help me break away from the junk food. At some point I have to eat a more normal diet that includes all the food groups and stop depending on the Boost and smoothies.

It just feels so good to let go of the junk food that I get excited about eating anything else. But I know that this is just a bridge to eating healthier overall. So, I need to plan out a simple yet balanced meal plan. I feel like I don't like much in the way of food, real food that is, so I turn to my transitional foods. But I don't think they really help in the long run. Using them for a couple weeks to get past the sugar cravings is about all I need to use them for. Then the hard part comes. I have to start eating. I think that I am afraid to eat food because I think it will lead to eating junk.

I want to be honest in this blog. Honest with myself. I'm still eating too much junk and not enough well balanced meals. I take the easy way out and get things that are easy and convenient. I really want to make changes that I can live with the rest of my life and Boost and protein smoothies just won't cut it for 2 of my meals a day. It's like my brain is shrouded and I can't see what the answer is. I can't begin to think of what foods that I like and that are good for me. I want more to stick with the same things every meal so I don't get overwhelmed. But if I'm not making the best choices it ends up being counter productive. Snacks have become more important than the meals themselves. That's not good. I need to take time to menu plan and stick with the menus. But I just don't know what to plan since I don't really know what I like to eat besides junky, convenience foods.

I don't want to have to put a lot of thinking into what I'm going to eat. I want it to be easy. But that usually involves too much junk food. I need to step out of the same habits and develop new healthier habits.

So, what can I eat for meals that is healthy but not too complicated? What can I eat that will put some variety in my eating? I need to go back to the basics of what my nutritionist taught me. I think I'm looking for the perfect meal that I can repeat day after day but the reality is that there is going to be variety if I want to be healthy and lose weight and I will just have to get used to that.

I've taken all the variety out of my meals and I end up eating the same things (cereal for breakfast, PB&J for lunch, and carbs for dinner). I have to be brave enough to make some healthy changes in my diet.

I know I'm beating a dead horse here. I'm trying to convince myself that I can do this even though I don't really think I can. When I got down to 120 pounds years and years ago I was eating eggs, steak and drinking orange juice. That was it. I did lose a lot of weight but I didn't keep it off because it was a bogus diet. It wasn't something that I could stick to throughout my life. I need to take a step back and relax. I need to make food the amoral thing that it is. I give food too much power in my life. But that is the plight of the food addict. I can't cut out food altogether like I would if it were illegal drugs or alcohol. So I have to eliminate the addictive foods and eat just to eat. Not that there won't be a treat once in a while but it truly has to be once in a while, not everyday.

I can't even begin to describe the panic that these changes cause in me. I am overwhelmed to the max. I don't even know why I'm up in the middle of the night struggling with food issues. Well, I guess I do know why - it's an addiction and it had overpowered me. But I am breaking away from that now. Baby steps. One step at a time. Take it slow and easy. Don't try to make all the changes at one time.

I am walking and that is an excellent change. Just doing that alone will make a difference. Now I need to make small changes in my daily diet. I can't overhaul it all at once. So my step right now is to eliminate junk food as a primary source of nutrition. I'm doing okay on that but not as good as I could be doing. I'm still eating junky snacks and meals (cookies, hard candy, Boost, etc.). I have got to put in the time that is needed to plan out healthier meals and snacks. Easy does not mean it's healthy.

I just needed to get all of that out of my head so I can move forward. If I don't acknowledge the things that I need to change then I won't make any progress. Things need to change.