Major Depression

For years and years now I've been diagnosed with Major Depression. It is a serious medical condition.

Major depression: A disease with certain characteristic signs and symptoms that interferes with the ability to work, sleep, eat, and enjoy once pleasurable activities.

The characteristic signs and symptoms of major depression include loss of interest in activities that were once interesting or enjoyable, including sex; loss of appetite (anorexia) with weight loss or overeating with weight gain; loss of emotional expression (flat affect); a persistently sad, anxious or empty mood; feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness; social withdrawal; unusual fatigue, low energy level, a feeling of being slowed down; sleep disturbance with insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping; trouble concentrating, remembering, or making decisions; unusual restlessness or irritability; persistent physical problems such as headaches, digestive disorders, or chronic pain that do not respond to treatment; thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts. Alcohol or drug abuse may be signs of depression. Disabling episodes of major depression can occur once or a number of times in a lifetime.

It's not easy living with Major Depression. I never know from day to day how I'm going to feel. It's not dependent on what's going on in my environment. Some days, like today, I wake up and can't get myself going. I stay in bed most of the day. So today for example, I woke up at 4:30am, went back to bed, woke up again at 8:30am, had a bowl of cereal and then went back to bed. I got up again at 10:30am and had a piece of fruit and went back to bed again. The last time I got up was at 12:30pm and I had a sandwich for lunch. But instead of going back to bed I went out for a walk. Yep, I walked over to the mailbox and picked up the mail. That is a major accomplishment for me today.

I'm on medication for the depression and I'm in counseling. I'm doing what I can to deal with it. Some days it just takes over and I can't get through it. I try to be kind to myself on those days. It would be very easy to chide myself for not getting things done, but I know it's not because I'm lazy, it's because I am depressed. There's a good article on Major Depression here.

I think that today's weather is effecting me. I love a rainy day, but a cloudy, cool day just kind of depresses me. It was good for the walk though. Just the right temperature. I'm so glad I got out there and walked today. I didn't think it would be possible to get myself out there with the way I'm feeling but I just did it. I'm not overeating today either. Sleeping does help me to avoid thinking about eating so I think that's part of why I sleep so much - I don't want to spend my day thinking about food. But I don't want to sleep my days away. Life on this planet is finite and I don't want to get to the end of my life and wish that I had been awake for more of it.

So today I'm going to concentrate on the positive things. I'll acknowledge the depression for what it is and how it effects me, but I won't dwell on it. I will take satisfaction in knowing that even on one of my worst days, I was able to go out for a walk. That is progress.