the best I could

I'm always relieved when days like today are over. I wanted to go to the 7-11 and get something, anything but I didn't go. I had cheese and crackers instead. Each good decision that I make really builds me up. I still don't feel great but I know I did the best I could today. I can't ask for more than that.

Overwhelming depression

I've slept most of the day today. The depression is overwhelming. I want to eat to make it go away. I'm trying not to do that though. I need to go take a shower too but I'm procrastinating. David is going to want something for dinner tonight and I just don't have it in me to make anything. All I want to do is sleep or eat. I'm not craving junk food, so that's one good thing. I'd like to go for a walk but my motivation level is really tanking right now. I don't like having to take medicine that makes me so sleepy. I'm going to see if I can stop taking it regularly and only take it when I need it. Even though I'm getting out there and walking, I still don't feel like I'm accomplishing much because I have to sleep after I take my meds. Maybe a shower would wake me up. Argh! I just don't want to do anything but go back to bed. I seriously don't like days like this. I feel like the meds I take are interfering more than they are helping me. I can't just stop taking my meds though. I think it's the zanaflex that makes me sleepy. I could just take it as needed instead of 2-3 times a day. I'm sure it's what is making me tired. It's one med that can regulate myself so I think I will do that. I'm not sure of the effect on my back but I've done well so far without the anti-inflammatory med. Better than I thought I would. I still have pain but it is tolerable. If I could lose weight that might help my overall pain too. Weight loss is coming slow though or at least it feels that way.

If it wasn't 78 degrees out I'd go for a walk but that's too hot for me. Maybe later if it cools down and isn't raining I could go for another walk. Or I could just go back to bed...

When I tell David that I'm feeling depressed he usually asks me why I'm depressed. There really is no why. It's not that some event prompted it or that I was thinking of something sad. It's just the wiring in my brain that is off. I have a loss of interest in most things today. That's how I know it's the depression.

I'm going to cut myself some slack here and try to relax. The high level of anxiety isn't helping. I need to do something to use up this energy I'm feeling. It's weird to have energy but not motivation. Not sure how that happens but it does. Instead of just trying to solve this problem in five minutes I can just work on getting through it. I don't need to solve all the ills of the world today. I can be a superhero another day. lol

Morning walk - June 30, 2009

I picked Lisa up at a little before 7 o' fricking clock this morning. She was my navigator. We were able to find the trailhead up in the High Chaparral Open Space. It's a nice trial. You can walk side by side which makes it easier to carry on a conversation. There were lots of bunnies up there. I love seeing them scampering around. The trail had some good ups and downs. I got winded a couple times but I just slowed the pace a little and did just fine. I'm thinking of going up there again tomorrow to scout out the rest of the trail (now that I'm comfortable with the trail). There were other people out there and one dog. It looks like a pretty active trail. I want to figure out the easiest way to get there. I think it might be going the way we did today on Chaparral Road to Old Farm to Silo Ridge. I'm going to check though to see if parking at the trailhead for the Homestead Trail leads directly to the gravel trail. I'll do some exploring up there.

It was really nice to have someone to walk with though I don't mind walking by myself at all (as long as there are other people around). I want to go back up there to take some pictures of the trail sign, the trail itself, the overlook and maybe even a bunny. Oh yeah, we also saw a gorgeous blue bird up there this morning. I may bring my digital camera to get some better pictures than the cell phone takes. The cell phone takes decent pictures but the digital camera is so much better.

Lisa and I are going to get together Thursday to do some grocery shopping and then cook a spaghetti sauce. I'm looking forward to doing that with her. I don't have much planned for the rest of the day today so I'll probably take my meds and take a nap. Then when I get up I'll clean the kitchen and do some laundry (mostly putting stuff away). The house needs a pick me up today. I'm thinking about seeing if David would like to go walk that trail this evening. I'll have to check with him on that. Adios for a few hours.

Disrespect

I had a very intense session with Marianne today. I did talk about the eating issues with her. I realize that David's not really supporting me in my efforts. Anyway, I was really anxious after my appointment and stopped at the 7-11 and got 2 candy bars. Don't know why I did it but I did. The good news is that it was not enjoyable at all eating the candy bars. Bad news - I ate them anyway. It didn't make me feel better. I felt worse after I ate them. Another learning experience. I haven't had a meal since breakfast. I've just been snacking today (graham crackers, gingersnaps). Nothing very healthy today. I'm not going to let this throw me off track though. I'm going to walk in the morning with Lisa and I'm going to work on eating better tomorrow too. I can only go forward from here. It doesn't do any good to live in the past.

Tonight David and I went and looked for that trail up by High Chaparral Open Space. It's not easy to find. I'm going to have to look for maps of the area to help me out a bit. If the maps don't help we can always go to Palmer Park and walk the Mesa Trail up there. I'm not going to stress out about it.

One thing that happened tonight that bothered me was on the way home David stopped at the 7-11 and asked me to go in and get a coke for him. He wasn't dressed to go into the store so he asked me to go in. I told him that I would but it would be the last time that I would do it. I told him that it's too hard for me to go into the store and not get something. I think it's disrespectful of him to have asked me to do it. He says he understands the issues I have with food but obviously he does not. I'm going to stick by what I said and not go into the store for him anymore. It sabotages the work I've been doing to go into the store and get junk. I'm done with that.

I did my kitchen inventory tonight and sent a copy to Lisa. There were a lot of things that were expired (some by up to 2 years - ewww!) and I think most of my spices are old too. I'm not sure how long spices last so I'll have to check into whether or not I'll need to get new bottles of spices. I don't have a lot of real food. Not a lot of junk either, but no meats, not much in the veggie department and more Splenda than I need. LOL I'm sure I'll have to pick up a few more things than I thought I would at the store. Again, Lisa is going to help me with that (what would I do without her?).

I'm feeling better tonight, like I have a plan now. It's not a very detailed plan but it's something. I've got to get to bed though since I have to be up at 6am tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to walking with Lisa and spending time with her. It will make my morning walk even more enjoyable.

Morning walk - June 29, 2009

I didn't get up until 7am today so I decided to walk the loop around the community instead of driving over to Palmer Park. It's still kind of cool out so it was a nice walk. Because I was walking on pavement, my back hurt more than when I walk on the trails. I had to slow down a couple of times but I feel like I did okay. It took me about 25 minutes to do the whole loop. I'll have to measure it later to see what the distance is. So it's just before 8am and I already have my walk and breakfast (bowl of honey nut cheerios and a banana) out of the way. Next is the inventory of the kitchen, then a shower. I have plenty of time for both before I leave for my appointment with Marianne. Oh, and I have to remember to take my morning meds too. I guess I'll do that now to get the sleepy part of my day over with. Roger wilco, out.

What's good for the goose...

I was headed to bed when I started thinking about why the food thing has been so hard for me. In the past David has said that it would be hard for him to lose weight if I brought junk into the house. But that's exactly what he's doing. He's still drinking soda and eating fast food. I'm not saying that it's David's fault but it does make it harder for me. I need to just do what I need to do to take care of myself when it comes to food and exercise. Just wanted to write this down so I wouldn't forget it.

Discouraged

I'm discouraged tonight. I know it's only been a few weeks but I'm walking 6 days a week and I don't feel like I've lost any weight. I don't feel any difference. I'm trying to be positive about this. I'm walking a lot more than I was just a few weeks ago. I'm slowly changing the way I eat. Maybe that's the problem. I'm probably still getting too many carbs and too much sugar. I've got to figure out meals. I know I've been snacking too much even though they are healthier snacks. I need to limit my junky food intake. I want my walking to make a difference. I'm afraid that I'll keep walking and won't lose much weight. I see Dr. Fouss in September and I want it to show that I've been trying to live healthier. I have to not let this get me down. I don't feel like I'll give up but I am discouraged. I think they say that you have to do something for 30 days before it becomes a habit and I'm not quite at 30 days yet. I just need to keep moving on and walking 6 days a week and continue to change my eating habits.

I think I need to stick with the transition foods (Boost and protein smoothies) for a while longer. That will give me a little more time to figure out what to eat that will help me. Lisa is going to help with showing me some recipes for dinners. If I can simplify breakfast and lunch, then maybe dinner won't feel so overwhelming. It really stinks that food and food preparation is so overwhelming to me. I look in the fridge and cupboards and there just seems to be too much food in there. I'd rather have them looking empty and have just the stuff I need to eat for the week.

I just realized that I haven't been talking to Marianne about this stuff. I've been blogging but not discussing this stuff with her. I think I'll print out this post and bring it with me tomorrow when I see Marianne at noon.

I'm still keeping my eating somewhat "secret". I don't like to eat in front of people but I do want to eat when I'm alone. I've got to figure out what that is about and try to change that bad habit. I think I need to start listing out everything (and I mean everything) that I eat so I can stay accountable to myself. Food is such an emotional thing for me. It's not just eating because a body needs fuel but eating to satiate emotions. I don't want all this walking to go for naught. I know it won't because it's getting me in shape for being more physical but it's hard to keep it up when I am so discouraged.

What exactly is going on with me? When I wake up in the morning I'm not necessarily hungry but I try to eat something before I go to walk. When I get back from my walk I'm hungry and if I've had a Boost then I finish it up after my walk. Usually I have a snack in the late morning. It's not always the healthiest snack though. I need to only have things in the house that are healthy. That way I limit my choices to good things. Lunch is difficult if I eat regular food. I tend to just have a PB&J because it's easy. I need to have a protein shake for lunch instead. Then there is the afternoon snack, again not always as healthy as it could be. The nightmare for me is dinner. I don't want to cook much meat anymore. Cooking with veggies seems like it will be more work but I need to stop being a baby and make healthy dinners.

How much do I want this? Right now I feel like I don't want it enough. Not enough to crack down on my eating anyway. I need to get rid of all the junk and replace it with healthier food. I'll do my inventory tomorrow and decide what needs to go and what I need to buy. Making an inventory will be very helpful. I've done that before and it has always helped me.

So my day tomorrow will be going for my walk, eating breakfast, taking a shower and then doing my inventory. I'll leave at 11:30am for my appointment with Marianne and on my way home I should be able to stop at the store to pick up a few things (Boost, frozen cherries for protein smoothies and some other things that I'll get from my inventory). I need to mix it up a bit with the smoothies or I'll get bored and not want to have them.

My lower back is hurting a lot tonight. I think it's from the long drive we did today. Too much sitting. My first thought is to not walk tomorrow but I know better than that. Walking will actually help my back to feel better. I just took my meds so I should be feeling better soon. It's almost bedtime so I can relax my back for the night.

David wants to take vacation the week after next (after 4th of July). I want to make sure that whatever we are doing, that I get in a walk in the morning. He's thinking of going out of town and that would make it a bit harder for me to go for a morning walk but I'm sure we'd get some walking in during the day. It will also disrupt my eating because we'd be eating out (unless I can plan ahead and bring some stuff with us). It's really not good timing but I guess I will have to make it work. I can't be so locked into a routine that I can't do anything else.

It's 9:20pm so I'm going to go to bed. I'm hoping to be up by 6am tomorrow. It's good to get out there early to beat the heat. And it's just so beautiful up there in the morning. I'm looking forward to my morning walk.

Cripple Creek drive

David and I went out to breakfast this morning at Wade's Cafe. From there we went for a drive up to Cripple Creek. It is a beautiful day. We were gone for a couple of hours. When we got back into town we drove through Garden of the Gods. It was very busy over there today.


It has been a great day!

Morning walk - June 28, 2009

I was up early again today and the weather cooperated with me for a wonderful walk at Palmer Park. I was up there by 6:45am and finished my walk by 7:30am. It was a hard walk today. I was sore in my right leg, my lower back and across my shoulders. It eased up some as I got around the loop but it never quite went away this morning. Even though it was difficult and I had to slow down a couple of times, I still enjoyed the walk. It's 8:15am and I've already walked and showered. That's amazing considering that just weeks ago I was staying in bed all day. Go me!

I talked to Lisa last night. She has offered to come over and show me some simple, veggie based meals. I am really looking forward to doing that with her. I have to do an inventory of the kitchen first so I'll know what I have to work with. Then I can add in some basics. It will be good to get a few healthy meals in the mix that I'd enjoy eating that don't have to have meat. I'm grateful to have such a good friend who is willing to help me out on this journey.

Kitty said she would like to go trail hunting with me. That would be fun too. I'd feel better going on new trails with someone with me. Exploring is so much more fun when you do it with a friend. I love walking Palmer Park but I'd like to have some other trails I can walk when I need a change of scenery.

I'm not sure what I'm doing for breakfast this morning but I know I need to get something soon. My body needs to know that I will feed it after I've walked. I'm planning on having a good day today. David and I may go for a walk later (he didn't tell me he wanted to go walking with me this morning so I left without him - oops!). I need to remember to bring my walking shoes with me when I wear sandals out just in case we want to stop somewhere and walk.

Grocs

David and I just got back from doing the grocery shopping for the week. I remember now why I don't mind him sitting in the car while I shop - he has no list! LOL We always get things that aren't on the list when David goes in with me. But it was helpful though because we needed to get water and it was on sale so we got 2 flats. That would have been hard for me to do today. I'm a little bit sore after shopping. I took my muscle relaxer and pain pill. I should be feeling better in just a short time.

I'm looking forward to walking in the morning. I'm going to try and get out there earlier than I did today so the heat doesn't get me. I'm waiting for the weather so I'll have a better idea what the morning holds.

Morning walk - June 27, 2009

I woke up early today, at about 6:30am. I got dressed and went out for my walk. I went to Palmer Park - Mesa Trail. There weren't a lot of people there when I arrived but by the time I was finished the parking area was full. I did a figure eight east to west today. It was beautiful up there because there was cloud cover.


My walk lasted about 40 minutes again. It seemed like I was walking really slow today but I still made my time. My lower back was hurting during the second half of the walk, but I was able to keep going. The sun came out just as I was reaching the parking area. It got hot quickly. I was glad that I didn't have to walk the whole loop in the sun this morning.

After my walk, David and I went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. The turkey sausage was really good. I drank some oj and some ice water. I was thirsty.


From the Cracker Barrel we went over to Garden of the Gods. I probably would have asked David to stop so we could walk a little if I had my walking shoes on. I wore my flip-flops which aren't comfortable for long distance walking. This is my favorite picture of the day (entering Garden of the Gods).


The clouds were just amazing today.


Yesterday wasn't a great day. It was my day off and I gave in and got a candy bar and potato sticks. Didn't need either, just wanted some junk food. Friday is always my hardest day. I'm so used to rewarding myself for getting through the week by getting myself some junk food on Fridays. Overall though I feel like I am doing a really good job. Last night (Friday night) I felt defeated because I ate the candy bar and wanted to throw in the towel and quick walking. Then I woke up this morning raring to go. I was glad that my attitude had changed. I think I would have made myself go even if I didn't want to, but I'm glad that I wanted to.

I took my meds around 11:30am and went in around noon and took an hour and a half nap. I thought I might feel stiff when I got up but I'm not feeling too bad. I like walking first thing in the morning. I feel like I've accomplished something for the day. That always makes the day positive.

I'm going to see if David wants to go walking with me tomorrow morning. I'm going even if he doesn't want to go. I want to walk early so the heat isn't an issue. Hopefully there will be cloud cover again in the morning.

A slip

I had an ice cream at Sonic last night. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I know I shouldn't have bought it but I did. I was craving something sweet so much that I felt like crying. That's the food addiction kicking in. Mentally I feel like I have to have something sweet or the world as I know it will come to an end. Physically I have an anxious feeling in my stomach that needs to be filled. It was a slip and I can go on from here to make better choices.

I slept in until 9am this morning. It's my day off from walking. It feels weird not to have walked already but I know it's a good thing to let my body rest now and again. I'll get out there again tomorrow and do some walking.

I'll take my shower in a few minutes. I have an appointment with Marianne at 11am. My allergies are really bad today. My nose is running, my eyes are watering. It's not any fun.

Trail hunting - Part 2

We went out tonight and went trail hunting. We drove around the Homestead Trail area from Austin Bluffs to S. Carefree. We saw quite a few trail heads but it was getting dark and I couldn't read the names from the car. I had flip-flops on and didn't want to get out and walk. I'm not sure I could find most of these trails again if I tried. They are deep in neighborhoods. I think I may take the day off tomorrow instead of Saturday. David wants to go out this weekend and it would be a good chance for us to walk. I wonder if a GPS would have the trails on them. I'll have to look into that.

Trail hunting

I got up late today (7am). That's funny that it seems like 7am is late to me now. Anyway, I drove over to the High Chaparral Open Space to check out the trail over there. First problem was that you can't turn into the open space going west on Stetson Hills so I had to go up the road and turn around to get to the entrance. There was a trail map there but I just don't know how to read those darn things. If there had been some signs I might have been okay but I didn't see anything beyond the trail map. So I went off down a gravel road first but that only led to a neighborhood street so I turned around and went back to the entrance. Then I followed the paved path. The path itself was nice but it was completely downhill on the way out and had quite a drop in elevation. All I could think of was the hike back uphill with the elevation gain. I walked for a couple of minutes, realized that the trail was all downhill and decided to turn around and go back to the car. It was a pretty good little hike but I didn't enjoy it at all. Strike one.

I left the High Chaparral area and went down to the wetlands on Stetson Hills. I drove around the neighborhood but couldn't find a path down to what appeared to be a trail. I was getting a little frustrated and decided to go home. Strike two.

On the way home I decided that I needed to get a walk in somewhere and I didn't feel like walking around the community so I headed to Palmer Park. But on my way there I realized that it was an overcast day and that would make it a perfect day to try the stairs at Waldo Canyon. So I drove up Ute Pass to the Waldo Canyon trail.


I figured out pretty quickly that I wasn't really in shape to walk the whole up and back but I wanted to go as far as I could. First I had to get past the first flight of stairs.


I made it up the first flight of stairs. Woohoo! That was a major accomplishment. I walked on the trail to the second set of stairs. I looked at them and thought that there was no way that I could make myself get up those stairs. But I did!


It was a major ordeal, but I made it up the stairs. All of them! I thought about turning back but decided to try to make it to the Highway 24 overlook. It wasn't easy. I realized after I got off the stairs that I had left my water bottle in the car so I knew I wouldn't be going too far. (By the way, I had my water pack ready to go this morning only to realize that it had a leak where the hose came out the bottom. I was disappointed that I couldn't use it. Never thought to try David's though. Duh!) So I kept going up the trail hoping to make it to the overlook. And by gosh, I did it. I got to the overlook and stopped to catch my breath and take a picture.


It was definitely worth the walk up to get to the overlook. The view was amazing. And since it was overcast I could sit there for a few minutes without burning up. I tried going further up the trail but realized it wasn't a good idea without water, so I turned around and headed down the trail. I wish I could have done more if only to see the beautiful trail up ahead. But I didn't want to push my luck so I headed back down. The hike down was a whole lot easier than going up but the stairs were still ahead of me. I got down the stairs a lot easier than I thought I would. I was expecting my knees to really bother me but that wasn't the case. Even my right knee, which is sore a lot of the time, did okay. I was so psyched.

When I got down to the parking lot I drank some water. I should have brought a snack to eat afteer the hiking but I didn't do that. I stopped at the Loaf 'n Jug and got a small bag of peanuts. I only had a couple dollars with me. If I had had a bit more I probably would have stopped to get an ice tea too. But I'm glad I didn't. Too much sugar in those things.

So I'm home resting now, with my shoes off and my feet up. I feel like it was a major accomplishment to hike up as far as I did in Waldo Canyon. I look forward to a day when I'm better prepared with water and a snack to go even further up the trail. I know I could do the up and back now with the right preparation. It would be hard and it would take me a while, but I know I could do it.

Since I didn't get a lot of walking in this morning, I'm going to walk over to the mailbox this afternoon. It's still overcast and in the high 70's so it will be an easier walk than when the sun is beating down on me. I did miss Palmer Park today and look forward to going up there tomorrow. It's 11:20am so I'm going to get myself some lunch. Not sure what I'll have yet but I am hungry. I'm still craving junk food. I'll be glad when that is over with. I keep telling myself that I can have some junk "just once" and I'm walking so I should be okay with eating it, but I know I'm just trying to convince myself that it's okay to do when it's not. I feel like it will be a struggle today to stay away from junk food but I'm up for the challenge. I'm not sure I can prevail, but I know I can try.

Craving junk food

I'm glad I got my walk done first thing today because if I had waited I probably wouldn't have done it. It's just one of those days today. I'm really craving food, junk food mostly. I've been eating hard candies to take my mind off of other edibles. Thankfully it's working. I've made it through the night without giving in to it. It's so hard for me that I almost feel like crying. Depression and food addiction suck. Some days, like today, I feel drained from all the thinking I have to do to keep my mind off of junk food. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I'll be out there in the morning walking. I may go over to the High Chaparral Open Area. There's supposed to be a 2 mile loop there. That might be fun. I'll have to see how I feel in the morning. I'm going to go to bed. Even though I slept a lot today, I'm still tired. Go figure!

Sleepy time (and we're not talking tea)

I slept most of the day today. I did get a couple things done in between naps - a walk this morning and laundry this afternoon. I didn't walk over to the mailbox because it's in the 80's. Too warm for me. Afternoon storm clouds are moving in. David will be picking me up at about 3pm so we can go see Marianne. I'm still not sure what I want to discuss today. Maybe I'll ask him to pick a topic. I was having some crazy dreams while I slept. I wish I hadn't spent most of the day sleeping. I hope a cooler day is in the forecast so I can plan on going up to Waldo to give it a shot. I may not make it past the stairs but I'll do my best. I think about getting down there in the trees and how shady it will be and how beautiful it is and I get very motivated to walk Waldo. I'm sure there are places that are just as awesome, I just haven't found them yet. Palmer Park is no slouch though. The views of the city and the foothills from up there are fantastic. I'm thinking that I'll take Saturday off again this week. Maybe I can get David to go with me again on Sunday. That would be fun. But we definitely have to bring the camel packs.

Graham crackers and a banana

I'm not doing so good with the eating today. All I've had this morning is graham crackers and a banana. Not very nutritious, I know. I'm not sure what's going on today. There's plenty of food here to eat but I'm just not very hungry. And I have no idea what I'll make for lunch or dinner. I have some hamburger patties in the fridge but the thought of cooking them make me ill. Maybe I could make breakfast for dinner. I don't know if I like that idea much either. I think it's strange that I was eating junk food constantly and now I don't want to eat much at all because it makes me feel sick. Of course, junk food still appeals to me. It's the real food that I don't like very much. I'm going to have to get over this if I'm going to lose weight and be healthier.

June 24, 2009 Morning Walk

This was the view this morning when I started my walk. I went up to Palmer Park and walked the Mesa Trail. I started out on the west side of the trail. At the halfway point I decided to keep walking and go up to the overlook. It was amazing up there.


My pace seemed a little slower today but even adding in the overlook out and back, I only added about 10-15 minutes to my walk. I did stop at the overview and sit on a bench for a minute. You can see my shadow in this picture.


I got jumped on by a dog this morning. Luckily it was a friendly dog. He just wanted some tentions. I got up to the trail at about 6:35am and started walking right away. I finished the whole loop at about 7:35am. I forgot to bring my camel pack again. I'm going to have to remember to get it ready tonight so I can just grab it in the morning. Having water while I walk would be helpful.

My back started hurting a little bit near the end of my walk. I think it might be because I took my meds before walking this morning and the muscle relaxer loosened up the back muscles too much. I was able to complete the walk without too much trouble.

I'm having the hardest time figuring out what to eat each day. I had a couple of graham crackers this morning and some orange juice. That's certainly not a meal. I want meals to be easy but healthy. If I had eaten all that Chinese food last night I probably would have felt sick today. I'm glad I stopped before I felt full. But I don't want to be eating out. I need to take care of my own meals at home. For right now I just need to make meals simple. Having a protein shake in the morning would be simple. Having a sandwich with some veggies on it would be good for lunch. Then there is the dreaded dinner. I want to eat more veggies and less meat but still get enough protein. Maybe I could look through the diabetic cookbook and see if there are any easy recipes in there.

I'm walking a lot more than I have in a long time but because my eating still isn't under control, I'm not feeling the weight loss I'd like to feel. I very well could be losing weight but I wouldn't know right now because I'm not weighing myself. It's got to be the way the clothes fit that will tell me how I'm doing with weight loss. In the mean time I'll concentrate on walking and eating healthier knowing that the results will be there eventually.

I'm still debating whether to try Waldo Canyon or not. The very first part of the hike is really hard - the stairs. It's a great hiking trail but I'm not sure I'm ready to hike just yet. I can't wait to see how beautiful it is up there. Because of all the rain we've had, everything is lush, green and in bloom. I'm thinking that the creek might be running up there this season. I love crossing the creek. It's fun. I would definitely limit myself to once a week up at Waldo since the drive from the house is so long. Worth the drive over there though.

I'm not sure if I'm going to walk to the mailbox today or not. I'll have to see how I'm feeling. I am really tired right now. I did take a sort of nap in my chair and didn't go back to bed. Although I want to. ;)

My appointment with Marianne is for 3:30pm today. David is supposed to come home and get me and go with me. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to talk about. I guess I'll figure it out by the time I get there.

I've got some stuff to do around the house, so I'm going to go do that stuff. Or maybe I'll take a nap instead. ;)

Tuesday night out

Jasmine tea. Yum!


Egg drop soup


Sweet and sour chicken with vegetables and fried rice


Fortune cookie and orange for dessert.


What a good day today. I walked this morning at Palmer Park and then this afternoon to the mailbox. Tonight we went out to dinner which wasn't a great thing to do but the up side of it is that I really couldn't eat much. I got water and jasmine tea to drink, no soda. I thought that I really wanted to go out for dinner and get Chinese food but it turns out that I just didn't enjoy it that much. The food was great but I just didn't enjoy eating something that heavy on the stomach. That's a good thing. It'll make me think twice about eating out again. I'm still not sure what to do for meals but I know that I will eventually. Anyway, we had a nice time at dinner (even if they did give us WAY TOO MUCH food!) and I'm glad that I had more leftovers than food that I ate.

This thing looked like some kind of weed but the flowers on it were gorgeous.

This is the tunnel under 30th Street that leads from the parking area to the Foothills Trail in Garden of the Gods.


After dinner we drove over to 30th Street so I could check out the trail that goes from the little bridge over to the Garden of the Gods entrance. It's about a mile trail. There were beautiful flowers there. The tunnel under the road is charming. And of course the Garden itself is just so beautiful. I walked down the path to the tunnel and it was quite a steep part of the trail. The uphill got me pretty good but I could do it. Two weeks ago I never would have been able to walk that little bit of trail.

This is my favorite view of the Garden.



We caught the Garden at the perfect time of day. Just unbelievable. From Garden of the Gods we drove up Austin Bluffs to Stetson Hills and we drove by the High Chaparral Open Area. Know that I know where it is I'll stop by there and see if there are any trails. Then from there we went over to Lowe's. David wanted to walk around over there (he's such a guy). So I got a lot of walking in today. I'm still looking forward to walking in the morning too. The best part of the drive was the yellow flowers across Marksheffel.



Overall it was a great day. I'm really happy that I can walk as much as I have been walking. It's funny though how little things still wind me but as long as I can walk in the mornings I'm happy.

I don't want to forget the best part of our adventure tonight. We stopped at the Trading Post so I could get a free trails map of Garden of the Gods. They had they most scrumptious looking fudge that you could imagine. They even had my favorite - Tiger Butter! I realized that I didn't have my wallet with me so I couldn't get any. Then I remembered that I had cash in my pocket. I was so tempted to get some fudge but I walked out with just the trails map. No fudge. I am so proud of myself. One day eating fudge won't be a big deal and will be a nice treat but now is not the time.

We also stopped at the Visitor's Center because I knew they had a different trails map over there. Of course the maps were upstairs. I considered the elevator for a split second and then decided that a walk up the stairs would be good for me. I made it up without much effort. Man, that felt good.

Things are definitely changing for me. My back still feels okay and I'm still up for walking in the morning. If I find out that I've overdone it tonight when I go to walk tomorrow I'll just ease up on the walk some. I think I'll try to go up to the overlook tomorrow to add in some time to the walk (if I'm up to it). Plus, it's just such a beautiful view from there.

Afternoon walk to the mailobx

I went out and ran a couple of errands this afternoon. I went to JCPenneys and Wholefoods. I parked away from the door to give myself a chance to do some more walking. I took this picture on the drive home. The field across Marksheffel is just amazing. When I got home from errands I almost stopped and got the mail but decided to walk over instead. It was a nice walk, hot, but nice. My back didn't really bother me on the walk (it literally has uphills both ways lol) and my legs held out just fine.



I did get winded taking my shower and putting my socks on. It's amazing the things I take for granted. I can walk for 40 minutes but a 10 minute shower tires me out. Don't know what to make of that. We have a really nice community pool here but I feel like I'm just too fat to go to the pool. I look forward to next year when I feel better about the way I look.


The afternoon storm clouds are moving in. The temperature is in the mid-80's right now. It didn't feel too bad on the walk to the mailbox though. Walking into the air conditioned house was a treat though. If David wants to go for a drive again this evening, I'll suggest that we go over to 30th Street and park in the parking lot where the little bridge is. I think it connects to the paved path at Garden of the Gods. That's what I want to check out. If it's not raining, maybe we'll go for a walk.

Morning walk - June 23, 2009

I was up before 6am today and started my walk by 6:30am. I started on the east side of the Mesa Trail. There aren't many clouds in the sky today. The sky dwarfs the mountains and makes them look smaller than they are. I kept up a pretty good pace this morning. I finished the walk a little after 7am. It was another 40 minute walk. It feels good to get out there so early and get something accomplished. Next on the agenda is breakfast and then a nap. I have things to do around the house today (laundry, dishes, paperwork). I may walk later to get the mail. It's supposed to get up into the high 80's today. It's a short walk to the mailbox so I should be able to do it. Okay, I better get some breakfast.

I caved

I gave in to the sweets. David and I were out for a drive and on the way home he asked if I'd stop at Safeway for peanut butter and oranges. While I was there I picked up a little Daz for each of us. It's only 4 ounces of ice cream but I admit that I gave in. And it was yummy. I won't lie. I'll walk a little longer in the morning to burn more calories. I'm really thinking of going up to Waldo this week to see if I can do the up and back. That's about 3 miles of hiking and I'm not sure I could do it but I'm willing to try it. It would be so awesome if once a week I could hike Waldo. But in the mean time I'm really enjoying walking in Palmer Park. I've been wanting to research the technical difference (if there is one) between walking and hiking. I feel like what I do at Palmer Park is walking and what I do up at Waldo is hiking. I know there are some trails I could hike at Palmer Park. For me the difference is that there's really no climbing in walking but there is in hiking. I don't know if there is a difference but I'll poke around online to see if I can find anything. Not that it really matters. Whether I call it walking or hiking, I'm out there doing it and that's what matters.

Staying away from the junk

I've been tired this afternoon. I havent' napped though. I made chicken and rosemary/garlic potatoes for dinner. The chicken wasn't too bad tonight. I stopped at the store on the way home to get one of those raspberry/honey green teas. It is yummy but probably has way too much sugar. Yep, 17 grams of sugar. Unbelievable. I won't be getting any more of those drinks. I'm already looking forward to my walk tomorrow. I want to get out there early though because it's going to be very hot again tomorrow. I'll add in the overlook and that will give me some extra exercise. Of course I'm just breaking even since I'm drinking this crap I bought. I'm really wanting to eat tonight. Junk food that is. I'd love to take a ride to the 7-11 but I'm not going to do it. I do need to recognize and acknowledge the times that I'm jonesing for junk. If I don't pay attention then I'm apt to just give in. But I am aware of it tonight so I can make sure I don't go to the store. Eventually I know that all that I'm doing will make a difference. I'm very surprised at how well my back is handling the walking. It's sore tonight but not overly so. I'm glad that it's holding up okay.

Doing it for me

I'm up from my nap and freshly showered. That's always a good feeling. I should have something for lunch before I go see Marianne. It's supposed to be in the 90's the next few days so I'll have to get out there early for my walk. Getting there at 6am would probably be better than getting there at 7am. I'm not sure I can get myself up that early since I'm having trouble sleeping at night. I'll do my best though. I'm surprised at how good I feel today. I was achy out there on the trail but it's not so bad right now. I am having a little trouble with my right leg/hip area and my right knee. They just feel a little weak from not having done anything for so long. It's sore but no real pain.

I need to make sure that I'm doing all this for me and not to please or impress anyone else. I'll fail if I'm doing it for someone else. I feel like I'm doing it for me. I want to lose weight and get in shape. I want to be able to sit in any chair I want to sit in without fear that it will collapse beneath me. I want to fit in public seating like the World Arena and airplanes. It's those little things that mean a lot to me. I want to be healthier and smaller.

Couldn't tell if there was any real difference when I got dressed today. I know my clothes will get loose at some point. I'm just being impatient. At least my jeans are fitting now without it feeling like I'm glued into them. These are men's size 46 jeans. I'd like to be back into a woman's size again one day. I know I can do it. I just have to watch out for complacency.

I better get something to eat and get my shoes on. It's almost time to go to my appointment.

Fast walk today

I was up by 6:30am and over at Palmer Park by 6:53am. I wore my sweat pants today because I thought it was cool out but it was pretty warm out there. There's nearly a cloud in the sky so the sun was beating down. Thankfully there are quite a few shady patches on the walk. I didn't stop today to take any pictures while I was walking. On the back side of the loop a lady we had talked to yesterday caught up with me and walked with me for a few minutes. Then we split off at the little loop. She went west, I went east. I felt like I was up there for about 15 minutes but I clocked it and I was out there for 40 minutes. I almost feel like I didn't walk. I'll have to start adding in the overlook on Mesa Trail to extend the walk some. Forgot my camel pack again but I did have a bottle of water in the car. I took the picture above as I was sitting in my car catching my breath after the walk. It didn't take very long to get back to normal. I think that's a good sign.

I just took my meds and drank my last Boost. I'll probably nap for about an hour then get up and take a shower. I see Marianne at noon today. I'm excited to tell her how I've been doing and I'm hoping that maybe she can help me with this feeling of being overwhelmed about food.

Struggles

I'm really struggling right now. I feel like I should get rid of all the junk I have by eating it all in one sitting. I know that will make me sick and defeat the purpose of what I'm doing but it seems logical right now (even though I know it's not). What would really be logical is to look at the options the nutritionist gave me and start meal planning. I don't think I'm losing much weight because I've just been substituting one bad food for another but trying to convince myself that I'm doing better. I'm not doing better. I'm still eating junk.

I'm looking at the meal plan that Suzanne gave me and even though it's not, it looks complicated to me. Maybe I just need to put it in a form that is less overwhelming for me. I think that I would be able to eat different things each day if I had it written out. Some of the things on this menu, I don't like. Instead of finding something that I do like to substitute, I just ignore it. That makes things come out of balance fast.

Okay, I need to do a food inventory of everything that's currently in the house. I then need to see what things can go together to make meals. I then need to make a grocery list of the foods I need to fill out what I already have. This doesn't have to be complicated.

I wish I didn't struggle with food so much.

Progress

Food overwhelms me. I look in the fridge and see "all that food" and I get anxious. The same goes for the cabinets. I know there's really not too much food (if anything there is too little) but it's hard to make myself believe that. Sometimes I give myself too many choices and I start to panic. I'd like to just be able to eat normal, healthy food and have somewhat of a variety but it doesn't work out that way for me at times. If I have more than one choice for a meal I get confused and end up eating cereal or some other quick food. I need to look back over the paperwork that the nutritionist gave me and see how I can keep things simple but also balanced. I tend to lean on Boost and the protein smoothie because they are simple and quick. But in reality I'm still just doing what I did before - eating whatever because it's simple and quick. I substitute the Boost and protein smoothie for the junk food. I'm changing what I eat but not how I eat. I just don't want to put in the time it takes to eat a balanced diet. But that's what the eventual goal is for me. I see the Boost and protein smoothie as transitional foods. They help me break away from the junk food. At some point I have to eat a more normal diet that includes all the food groups and stop depending on the Boost and smoothies.

It just feels so good to let go of the junk food that I get excited about eating anything else. But I know that this is just a bridge to eating healthier overall. So, I need to plan out a simple yet balanced meal plan. I feel like I don't like much in the way of food, real food that is, so I turn to my transitional foods. But I don't think they really help in the long run. Using them for a couple weeks to get past the sugar cravings is about all I need to use them for. Then the hard part comes. I have to start eating. I think that I am afraid to eat food because I think it will lead to eating junk.

I want to be honest in this blog. Honest with myself. I'm still eating too much junk and not enough well balanced meals. I take the easy way out and get things that are easy and convenient. I really want to make changes that I can live with the rest of my life and Boost and protein smoothies just won't cut it for 2 of my meals a day. It's like my brain is shrouded and I can't see what the answer is. I can't begin to think of what foods that I like and that are good for me. I want more to stick with the same things every meal so I don't get overwhelmed. But if I'm not making the best choices it ends up being counter productive. Snacks have become more important than the meals themselves. That's not good. I need to take time to menu plan and stick with the menus. But I just don't know what to plan since I don't really know what I like to eat besides junky, convenience foods.

I don't want to have to put a lot of thinking into what I'm going to eat. I want it to be easy. But that usually involves too much junk food. I need to step out of the same habits and develop new healthier habits.

So, what can I eat for meals that is healthy but not too complicated? What can I eat that will put some variety in my eating? I need to go back to the basics of what my nutritionist taught me. I think I'm looking for the perfect meal that I can repeat day after day but the reality is that there is going to be variety if I want to be healthy and lose weight and I will just have to get used to that.

I've taken all the variety out of my meals and I end up eating the same things (cereal for breakfast, PB&J for lunch, and carbs for dinner). I have to be brave enough to make some healthy changes in my diet.

I know I'm beating a dead horse here. I'm trying to convince myself that I can do this even though I don't really think I can. When I got down to 120 pounds years and years ago I was eating eggs, steak and drinking orange juice. That was it. I did lose a lot of weight but I didn't keep it off because it was a bogus diet. It wasn't something that I could stick to throughout my life. I need to take a step back and relax. I need to make food the amoral thing that it is. I give food too much power in my life. But that is the plight of the food addict. I can't cut out food altogether like I would if it were illegal drugs or alcohol. So I have to eliminate the addictive foods and eat just to eat. Not that there won't be a treat once in a while but it truly has to be once in a while, not everyday.

I can't even begin to describe the panic that these changes cause in me. I am overwhelmed to the max. I don't even know why I'm up in the middle of the night struggling with food issues. Well, I guess I do know why - it's an addiction and it had overpowered me. But I am breaking away from that now. Baby steps. One step at a time. Take it slow and easy. Don't try to make all the changes at one time.

I am walking and that is an excellent change. Just doing that alone will make a difference. Now I need to make small changes in my daily diet. I can't overhaul it all at once. So my step right now is to eliminate junk food as a primary source of nutrition. I'm doing okay on that but not as good as I could be doing. I'm still eating junky snacks and meals (cookies, hard candy, Boost, etc.). I have got to put in the time that is needed to plan out healthier meals and snacks. Easy does not mean it's healthy.

I just needed to get all of that out of my head so I can move forward. If I don't acknowledge the things that I need to change then I won't make any progress. Things need to change.

The progress I've made

I just had my protein smoothie. It was pretty good. I think I might get those liquid yogurts instead of using skim milk so it will be thicker and have more flavor. It would be good for me to have some yogurt in the diet. I really did enjoy our walk this morning in Palmer Park. I was so glad that David was able to do the bigger loop with me. We didn't think to bring our camel packs out there. David sure could have used some water on the walk. He sweats a lot more than I do so he needs to replenish more. Speaking of which, I'm still not drinking enough water. I'm certainly drinking more that I was but still not enough.

I really enjoy the Mesa Trail because there are so many people out there. It feels safe. And I love seeing all the dogs. Haven't seen a GSP yet but I'm sure I will at some point. David mentioned something about a puppy on craigslist. He thought it would make a good walking partner. I don't want another dog so I just didn't say anything to him. It would be cool to have a dog to walk with but I don't want all the responsibilities that go with a dog. I'll settle for going for walks with Woody every once in a while.

I feel like it's getting a little easier with food. It's still hard to always be telling myself no when it comes to junk food but I'm doing it. I was hungry when I got up from my nap and I had a few fig newtons. I didn't really need to eat them, I just wanted to. It's been about 2 weeks since I had a coke or junk food. The sugar craving isn't as bad as it was. Mostly it's just habit. I was in a habit of not walking, sleeping all day and eating a lot of junk food. Now I'm walking, only taking one nap a day and eating healthier. I've made a big turnaround in just 2 weeks. I honestly never thought it would be possible for me to walk this far every day or to eat healthier. All the times that Dr. Fouss told me to walk 5 days a week, I thought he was crazy. He's not so crazy now. I really have been able to do it.

I have some 5 pound weights that I'd like to add into the mix at some point. I really need to build up muscle as I'm going along. I don't want to end up with stretched skin. Ewww. I know that if I lose the weight slow enough that I won't have to worry about that so much.

I see Marianne on Monday, Wednesday and Friday this week. My earliest appointment is at 11am so I'll be able to get my walks in each day. I'm so looking forward to getting out there.

Frozen bananas

I just cut up some bananas and put them in the freezer so making protein smoothies will be even easier. I'm going to try to have a protein smoothie every day. I forgot to get some more Boost when I was at Target. I do have one left for tomorrow but I'll need to get more for the rest of the week. Eating healthier and walking should make a difference. I look forward to the time that I can actually see the weight loss.

Long morning walk with David

What an amazing day it's been. I got up at about 8:30am, took a shower and got dressed to go for a walk with David. We drove up to Palmer Park. I was going to take him on the short loop (10 minutes) but he wanted to do the full Mesa Trail loop. We stopped a lot to chat with people who had dogs and for David to stretch his back. We walked for about an hour. It was beautiful up there. It was a little warmer than I like but we were up there later in the morning. A lot of the cactus were in bloom. It was awesome.

Barrel cactus in bloom.

Prickly Pear Cactus in bloom.

It was really nice to be out there walking with David. I'm hoping I can get him up there at least once a week. After we left Palmer Park we went over to Garden of the Gods and drove through. It was beautiful over there too.

East entrance to Garden of the Gods.

It felt so good to know that we had actually been out and done something instead of just sitting around the house all weekend. I was surprised at how easy the walk at Palmer Park was for me. All the stopping kept my back from hurting too. On the way home from the Garden we stopped at Target so I could pick up some water and a few other things. We had lunch when we got home (hot dogs for me, brats for David). For dinner tonight I'm going to have a protein smoothie. I can't wait for that.

All in all, it was a wonderful day. I'm just so grateful that David was able to walk the big loop at Palmer Park. I really needed to get out there after taking the day off yesterday. It's supposed to be pretty warm the rest of the week, so I'll have to make sure I get up there by 7am to walk.

David did ask if I wanted to stop at the Garden of the Gods Trading Post for lunch but I said no. It would have been so easy to go out for lunch today. We did stop to get a drink. David got a Gatorade and I got a Green Tea with raspberry and honey. The green tea was delicious.


Now it's time to relax and watch the Red Sox game and then NASCAR.

One thing I wanted to remember to write about is wishing I could see progress faster than I am. I want to do this slowly so it sticks, but I want to feel the weight going away. My jeans and shorts are fitting a little bit looser so that's a good sign. I know I have to be patient though. I've only been walking for about 2 weeks so I can't expect a whole lot yet. I just have to keep at it.

Got an "A" on my test

Up in the middle of the night again. I realize that I made it through the testing. I didn't ask David to get me anything at Wendy's and I said no when he offered me some of his food. I thought I would feel angry or anxious but instead I feel empowered. I don't need or deserve to put junk food into my body. What I need and what I deserve is to take care of myself and to be as healthy as I can be in this moment. It would have been easy to give in yesterday because I was feeling defeated. I want to feel some weight loss and I don't. I'm sure something is happening and it's so subtle that I'm just not picking up on it. This is not a mile race, it is a marathon. It is not a microwave but a slow cooker. It is about each step that leads to the next step. Weight loss will show itself soon enough, but until it does I can take solace in all the small victories. I made it without eating junk food. That is a victory.

My elbows are hurting because of inflammation. They feel very sore and uncomfortable. I also have a sore spot on my right knee. If I twist it just so it feels like I might fall down. And I also have 2 teeth that are hurting. Whine, whine, whine. LOL Inflammation is no fun do deal with. I may have to try some Tylenol is the pain everywhere persists.

Later this morning I am going to take a shower to start the day. I'll have a Boost for breakfast. Then David and I can go somewhere for a walk (maybe Garden of the Gods).


The weather is supposed to be beautiful today. I'm looking forward to being out there and enjoying the Garden. I'd like to get in at least a 20 minute walk. I think that David could do that without too much trouble. If he can't we'll just turn back. I may want to walk around the community today to increase my distance time for the day.

I'm already looking forward to Monday morning and going back up to Palmer Park to do the 45 minute loop. i want to get up there early (by 7am) so heat isn't an issue. I'll try out the camel pack and see how it works. If it works okay (meaning: I can still walk while carrying it) then I can take it with me on Monday morning.

I am so happy that I chose not to eat junk food. That's a big step for me. I wanted to give in and get some junk but I used my wise mind and decided it wasn't worth the momentary high. It would have made me feel like I was starting all over again and I don't want that feeling. I want to move forward. I know there might be some slips and I'll have to deal with those when they happen. I know that I won't be perfect at doing this but I'm going to do my best everyday. I want to see the pounds go away.

I've been very tempted to weigh myself. I hope that I'll see a smaller number and that I'll feel like I've accomplished something. But I've decided not to weigh myself and I'm going to stick with that decision. My sense of accomplishment is going to have to come from eating healthier and walking daily. I truly want to be in better shape for the 2nd half of my life than I have been up until now.

Testing 1,2,3

I'm having my first real test this evening. David is off to Wendy's to get himself something to eat. I really wanted to ask him to get me something but I didn't. This is so hard. I don't really want junk food but it's still hard to say no to myself. It makes me want to give up. But I won't. I had a bowl of cereal for dinner and I still can eat some fruit. That will have to be good enough. I have to tell myself that I can do this, that I can eat healthier. No two ways about it, this is hard.

Break day

I've really taken it easy today and I think it's the best thing I could have done. My body feels much more rested and ready to go tomorrow. I'm amazed that I'm not sore. I thought for sure that my back and/or legs would be bothering me today but the break today has helped with that. I do miss walking though, which is a good thing. I've been eating a little something ever few hours but no real meals (Boost, cheese and crackers). I'm not sure what I am going to do for dinner tonight. I'm not super hungry since I didn't walk but I know I need to eat something. I'm thinking of just having a small bowl of cereal and some fruit. I haven't had cereal in a while. That was my main meal before I started this journey. I often would have cereal two times a day. Not very nutritious (I don't think).

I'd like to go for a walk in the Garden tomorrow with David. It's always nice to walk over there. I need to check online for a trails map. We could always just walk from the main parking lot on the pavement too. I like walking on dirt/gravel trails though. I'm just not familiar with the trail system over there. Some research is in order.

Whether to walk in this weather

I thought about going over to Palmer Park this morning but it's very overcast and I don't want to be up there in the rain. So I decided to walk around the community but when I got out there the rain started. I know it wouldn't kill me to walk in the rain but I prefer not to. I am feeling pretty good this morning. My legs aren't as sore as I thought they would be. The humidity is high this morning. I'm sweaty just from the short walk that I did take. I'm hoping that there will be a clear patch at some point in the day. Maybe David and I can go over to Garden of the Gods and take a walk over there. I'd like to get David out there walking with me as often as I can. It'll do him some good to go for a walk.

I'm having a Boost for breakfast. I really want a bowl of cereal but I'm not sure if I'll have that. I already took my morning meds so I'll probably get sleepy in just a little bit. I feel like I should just head over to Palmer Park and hope for the best but I'm afraid of getting caught in a rainfall. I bet it's beautiful up there. Once I lose enough weight I might look for a rain suit that I can walk in. Then I could walk even if it's raining.

I'm really afraid that not walking this morning will lead to me not walking anymore. Maybe this is a good exercise for me to take a day off and still be able to get back to it the next day. I need to know that it's okay to take a day off and that I can get right back at it. Mostly I just feel like a failure this morning. I think I should go out and walk no matter what the weather is doing. I should keep to the routine. But that leads to being regimented and I don't want my walks to be a drag. I want them to be energizing.

I think I'll go drink the rest of my Boost and then go back to bed. I just have to keep telling myself that taking a day off is not a disaster (black and white thinking). It's okay to take a break.

Difficulty

Tonight was a very difficult night. Friday nights were my junk food nights - cherry coke, bag of licorice (twizzlers) and a candy, maybe even a donut. Gosh, how did I eat all the crap in one night. It grosses me out now to think about it. I would get so full that my belly was distended. And I still kept eating. Man, oh man! But that's what food addiction is and what it does. It takes away your common sense. It makes you feel sick and guilty and ashamed.

I managed to get through the night by eating some cheese and crackers and drinking water. I still want junk food though. It was probably the most difficult while I was watching "Ghost Whisperer". That's the show I watch on Friday nights and usually pig out with junk food for that hour. It's not even the food really as much as the activity of eating.

I know that most of my eating is to help me to stuff my feelings. I literally stuff food down my throat in an attempt to stuff my feelings. It's something I've always done. Whenever there was a crisis situation my mom would turn to food and so I did too. There was one of those cultural things about not rejecting the food because doing that was an insult to the person offering. Even if you really, really didn't want to eat you had to try so as not to offend anyone. Very sick.

I'm tired so I think I'll go to bed. I really want to go for a walk tomorrow morning but I'm afraid of letting it slide because it's the weekend and then not continuin the walking. Because of the object constancy problem I have, if I don't walk every day, then I forget about walking. I have to stay connected to it every day. But I also don't want to over do so I need to take a day off now and then. This is the first of the struggles. I can get through this though. I'll get up in the morning and see how I feel about walking. I want to stick to the routine but it's hard to do that on weekends. But I'll do my best.

Shopping

I went to JCP and got David some shorts and tee shirts. They were having a massive sale and 10% off at the register. Score! David's been working tons of OT so we had the money to get some clothes. Most of what he has doesn't fit him so he needed some new stuff. I'm not getting any new clothes until I lost some significant weight. I have jeans and shorts to tide me over and plenty of tee shirts. I parked quite a ways from the door at JCP so I cold get a little walk in. It felt good. I was able to shop without feeling like I was going to die. That's progress.

PB&J

I just had lunch (after a very long morning nap). I made a PB&J on wheat and had 3 gingersnaps. I feel like it was too much junk for one meal. I woke up feeling hungry and was glad it was lunch time. I think I would have had a hard time trying to wait for lunch today. I'm just feeling kind of antsy again. I have to run out to the store but that means I have to take a shower and I'm procrastinating. I just need to get it done.

I'm feeling kind of depressed today. I'm not sure why. Of course, I'm never sure why it is that I feel depressed. I think it's because the weekend is here and I don't follow a routine on the weekends. I'd like to get out there first thing and go walk but I'm not sure what David wants to do. I guess I could get up and go walk and then join him (or not) with what he wants to do the rest of the day. I've got to stop figuring out what I'm going to do based on what he's going to do. I'll keep in mind what he'd like to do but I can't let it determine my day. I'm not sure I'm saying this right so I'll just stop for now. lol

Quick morning walk

It's 9am and I've already completed my walk and had breakfast (Boost). I walked for about 45 minutes today although it seemed like I was only out there for about 15 minutes. In the first part of the walk I was sure that I was going to turn around and go back to the car. I just didn't feel prepared for my walk this morning. I got up around 6:45am. I had a weird dream and just wanted to get out of the house. I left without taking my medicine. I did however drink some Boost before I went for my walk. I also forgot to bring some tissues. My nose always gets runny out there walking. I did remember to wear a hat today. There were some shady spots on the first half of the hike but the second half was very sunny. It was cool enough though that I could keep up a good pace. Yesterday I felt like I was out there for such a long time and today it felt so short. I was out twice as long yesterday but today just flew by.

I'm feeling pretty sore today so I think I'll just do a short walk tomorrow. I'm also still not feeling 100%. I still need to take my meds. That will help some. I'm ready for my morning nap. This afternoon I have to go to JCPenney's to get some shorts for David. That will be good for me to stretch my legs. I didn't use the camel pack this morning either. I was in too much of a hurry to get out of the house. So I just put a water bottle in my pocket in case I needed a drink. The walk was so quick that I didn't feel like I needed water until I got back to the car.

I'd like to take the short loop at Palmer Park in the morning but I'd also like to try someplace new, but not too far from the house. I should check out the Stetson Hills Open Area (High Chapparal is what I thinked it's called). I'll probably do that this afternoon too.

Off to take my meds and take a nap. Later gator.

A girl can hope

It's quarter to one in the morning. The middle of the night. I woke up and wasn't feeling well so I got up. My stomach is bothering me. I feel like I did when I would eat a lot of junk food. It's not a good feeling. Funny thing is that my first thought was to get something to eat to make the bad feeling go away. I didn't do that. I caught myself and realized that eating wouldn't make it better but would probably make it worse. Emotionally I might feel better, for a little bit, but then the bad feeling would be back. I almost feel like I'm purging toxins from my system (not that I really know what that's like, but if I did, this would be it). It certainly isn't from over eating. I've been very careful about what I'm having to eat.

Thursday I had some Boost, a protein smoothie, the rest of the Boost, gingersnaps and raisins (that was spread throughout the day, not all at one time). Maybe I'm over doing it with the walks and my body is rebelling. Or maybe it's that I'm not drinking enough water. I knew to expect this feeling during this transition but I was hoping that it wouldn't happen. Oh well.

Maybe I'm mentally psyching myself out so I don't have to walk or eat better. No matter, I'm not going to give in to it. I can always just walk the little loop if I'm not feeling very well. I'm sure this is hard for my sedentary body to adjust to. I just want to feel some results. For some reason that thought made me think about weighing myself. I'm not going to do that because it usually backfires on me. The numbers aren't what count. Not day to day anyway.

Speaking of numbers, these are ones that count: My cholesterol numbers are looking great. The change in diet and taking the medication has me right where I need to be. I'm hoping that once I'm in better shape I'll be able to come off that medicine too. No hurry though.

I'm probably also reacting to not sleeping all day. I went from being in bed most of the day to being up most of the day now. That's a drastic change. There are lots of changes that my body is going through so feeling kind of ill doesn't surprise me. I don't like it, but it doesn't surprise me.

I just remembered that I drank a glass of orange juice after dinner last night. I bet the acid in the OJ is making me feel this way. I've got to limit myself on the OJ. I need to keep it to the one splash in my protein smoothie and not drink large glasses of it. Water is the safest and best thing to drink. Although there are a lot of times when drinking water makes me feel sick too. I really need to hydrate my body properly if I'm going to take these long walks. I'll try the camel pack this morning when I walk. I should be drinking lots of water at night too so my body is hydrated for the next morning.

So many changes to make but I feel up to the challenge. Probably the most difficult thing is not being able to take an anti-inflammatory medicine. I can feel the inflammation in my back, my hips, my legs and my right thumb (where I had surgery). I certainly don't want to exhaust myself and not be able to keep up with the walking. The walking sets me free, gives me hope and is critical to the weight loss.

I was thinking about how hard it is for me to change my diet to healthy food. My snacks are nutritionist approved but they are still snacks (ginger snaps, fig newtons, cashews, raisins). I live for the snacks. I'm hoping that the day comes soon when I don't need a snack. Being addicted to food doesn't stop when you quit eating the junk food. It's very easy to become regimented in what I eat each day. I know it sounds boring but I'm okay with a protein smoothie for breakfast, a Boost for lunch and a light dinner. If I can toss in a few snacks during the day, I think that I can change the way I relate with food. Boring and regimented is easiest for me right now. I get overwhelmed if I have to eat too many foods. I like easy. I like convenient. I can still get easy and convenient while eating healthier choices.

Right now I'm thinking that I'll take a slow walk in the morning and possibly a shorter walk too. I'm just not feeling too good right now. Then again getting a good walk in could be just the thing that I need to feel better. I'll see when I get out there. I'm worried about the weight of the camel pack. I don't want it to effect my back any more than it is being effected. Once again, I think hydration is the key to making my muscles happy. I'm already looking forward to that protein smoothie in the morning.

It's about 1:15am. I should think about going back to bed. Sleep would help me out too. I don't sleep for more than a few hours at a time is seems. Maybe my sleep will improve as my activity level goes up. A girl can hope.